It is almost impossible for me to grasp that my brother would have been 35 this coming Saturday... It's been 12 long years since he was taken from my family. The few personal memories I have seem to fade more and more with each passing year.
I no longer remember his scent, It's hard to paint his smile when I close my eyes, his voice has faded from my memory except for the ever permanent roaring sound he would make when he'd run in the front door and scare my sisters and I. That roar, which I'm not even sure if it's truly his voice I can hear, I'll hold that in my heart forever.
This year has brought on a lot of reflecting of what life would be if he were still here, everything he missed out on this year. The fact that I've taken roots in California, following OUR dreams, discovering happiness again. How badly I wish he were here for me to call at the end of an exciting day to tell him about it, while my family and friends are happy for me, no one will ever be able to understand it quite like he would.
My sister got married, and even though it wasn't my wedding, I had a particularly hard time with the fact that he wasn't there for it. I picked up a gorgeous locket and put his photo inside, I attached his Grateful Dead ring to the chain, and wrapped it around my sisters bouquet so she would have a little piece of him with her that day.It's hard to look at those photos, in my mind I can see exactly where Jeremy would be standing, I know he was there watching over my sisters special day, as he is every day, but the big things are always a trigger in missing him more.
I consider myself a very blessed person, and I know I don't use that term often. But the truth is I am the luckiest girl alive to have had such an amazing brother, even if our time was short. He taught me some of the most important lessons in life while he was here, and he's helped me to experience life after his passing.
I have the best family anyone could ever ask for, the greatest parents, strongest mother, most amazing sisters that are my two best friends, awesome brother in-laws, and the three most precious nephews and niece. Those three remind me so much of my brother at times, and they can inspire me to keep going and rejuvenate me when my batteries run low. If anyone questions why I need to hop on a plane every three months to get home (yes it will always be my home.) they are the reason why.
Saturday I ask that everyone joins in the traditional balloon release. All it takes is 1 balloon. Take a few moments out of your busy life to remember those that we've loved and lost. Send your thoughts/prayers up to the sky with that little balloon. While it's not much, it's a small symbol of remembrance. It allows us to stop all the crazy errands, work, school, stressful daily routine and remember those that aren't here in the chaos with us.To be grateful for the time we had with them, and for the life we're so lucky to have. (*Of course this can be done any day at any time, 11/12 is always the day I choose because it's Jeremy's birthday.)
So to my brother:
"One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish, old fish, new Phish." I did it, we're doing it. Miss you every day, feel your warmth in every sunset. What I'd give for one more bear hug. <3
http://youtu.be/_wM07xrYDXY