an old woman walked into my shop today. I greet her with a "hello!"
she suddenly looks incredibly confused. classic pinched face expression. eyes wandering the store. so I say as polity as possible, "you seem like you might be confused?"
her, very seriously: "no, I'm not."
me: "ok." I am now deeply regretting saying that. but I don't know what else to say because she has confused face. (this must have been her concentration face??)
her: "so I have a question."
me: "yes, ok." nods, ready for the question
her: "so my kids inherited some stamps..."
me: nods and smiles
her: says absolutely fucking nothing
me: still waiting for the question
her: still paused, looking at me expectantly
me: thinking to myself, 'is it rude to ask her what the actual question is? because what's the fucking question? what does she want?'
her: still paused staring at me
me: ...
her, finally: "so do you buy stamps?"
me: "...no ma'am. this is a comic book and board game store."
I work at a collectibles store, aka hobby shop. We usually pitch it one of two ways (pretend I wrote more words and not just the general idea).
We sell games/comics/collectibles
We sell pop culture items
No video games, electronics, etc. We're talking analog tabletop stuff. Dungeons & Dragons. Comics and TPBs. Action figures. Trading cards. Nerd stuff.
We are also connected to an antique store. That means there are 2 entrances. You can enter directly into my shop, or go through the antique store first.
Today a woman entered all of 2 feet into the store from the antique side, spent 3 seconds looking around, and loudly exclaimed, "Oh look, a DVD store!"
Ma'am. We do not have a single DVD in here. Anywhere. At all. Whatsoever.
I work at a collectibles store, aka hobby shop. We usually pitch it one of two ways (pretend I wrote more words and not just the general idea).
We sell games/comics/collectibles
We sell pop culture items
No video games, electronics, etc. We're talking analog tabletop stuff. Dungeons & Dragons. Comics and TPBs. Action figures. Trading cards. Nerd stuff.
We are also connected to an antique store. That means there are 2 entrances. You can enter directly into my shop, or go through the antique store first.
Today a woman entered all of 2 feet into the store from the antique side, spent 3 seconds looking around, and loudly exclaimed, "Oh look, a DVD store!"
Ma'am. We do not have a single DVD in here. Anywhere. At all. Whatsoever.
Who wants to read a super long rant I wrote in the middle of the night without my glasses about how TV writing for this one show should be better from a non-writer who has no business commenting on any of this? You do? Ok, here you go.
So I just watched the St Denis Medical pilot. I recognize some of the cast, including one of the main characters — the nurse in charge. Really like that actress (Good Girls anyone?). But overall I found that the show was just… not very funny. (I didn’t like The Office either, I’m sorry. But I do like Parks & Rec)
And look, most pilots aren’t great and it does actually take time for shows to find their footing. We shouldn’t all be so hasty to write off a show because of its pilot. Still though, I couldn’t stop thinking about this one thing.
I really could not root for the head nurse.
Just. No.
She was an obvious workaholic control freak, they basically say as much in the episode. and she’s aware of this and had multiple opportunities to prioritize her family and she just. Didn’t. And it made her kind of suck as a person. Obviously this is more “realistic” right? This is a problem many people have. There can be comedy in between the lines, I get it. It’s probably what they’re going for. But I just found her to be incredibly disappointing.
Am I supposed to hope she grows and becomes less neurotic and actually spends time with her loved ones? Because honey she should already be doing that. Am I rooting for divorce because her unnamed/unseen spouse must obviously be upset with her for constantly missing shit because a person can only be so supportive and understanding for so long? I mean… sorta yeah. Should I hope she finds her ideal work/life balance? I really don’t give a fuck. She’s a disappointment right here and now. Even though she’s nice and friendly, I just don’t like her that much. You can be the nicest, most caring person in the world, but it sucks when your family doesn’t get the same importance as random strangers or your job do. I’m making this far more extreme than it is (she isn’t that horrible, truly) and I know she will probably grow and evolve and we will get more context and background and blah blah blah, but it did make my brain start churning.
So then I thought, how would I have made this funny? How do I root for a person who is missing their kid’s school play (hopefully with an actual valid reason)?
What if, instead of the character being a shitty person who fails as a parent and partner because they make bad choices, they instead were forcibly put into rock & hard place situations? This current main character only had one true moment like that, which is when the woman collapsed at the end. she had no choice but to stay and help. It was the right thing to do. BUT all the other times she did have a choice and should have fucking left the hospital.
So my new made-up character is instead constantly in these situations against their very obvious will. Perhaps they have a nickname, like “Magnet” because they are always attracting the worst situations. Magnet is probably aware that everybody calls them Magnet, but definitely doesn’t want to acknowledge it or hear it said out loud (they ignore it if they hear it) because saying it might make it even more true.
Magnet is always trying to do something else. They’re always trying to leave. But they are constantly “right place, wrong time.” Yes they can totally help you, but did it have to be right now?
They are a compassionate person, yes, but an easily frustrated one. All new staff members are warned, if you have plans then you better not be in the same room as Magnet right beforehand. Lighting doesn’t strike once, it strikes all the damn time, 3ft away, and sometimes catches on fire.
“No, no, no! You can’t just collapse right here in the exit! I have to leave to go to my kid’s soccer game! Absolutely not! Where are my nurses god dammit! Somebody save this man so I can go see my kid save a goal!”
(person coding or some shit) “Sir, either you DIE or you RESPOND TO TREATMENT. RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW. I have places to be so pick a lane IMMEDIATELY SIR… ah yes, excellent. You made the right decision. Thank you for not dying.”
“Look I know you’re like bleeding and stuff on my shoes, but this other nurse is so much better at stitches than me and she’s just doing paperwork while I have an important thing to get to, so…”
“JANET you BETTER NOT be having an ALLERGIC REACTION for the FIFTH TIME today. We did this already! and I can’t keep telling you to not eat peanuts no matter how delicious a Snickers is! Don’t you dare touch that candy wrapper Janet so help me god.”
“I’m sure you’re lovely and a wonderful date, but I’m happily married and am looking forward to having a dinner and a movie with my spouse tonight and would really appreciate if you would put your clothes on right now and stop throwing my very important medical supplies on the ground because they aren’t slutty enough.”
“Why isn’t anybody helping this woman already? She is obviously in distress! I am in a rush, but even I noticed she needed immediate attention. I cannot believe you people work here sometimes. Oh she was fine right up until I walked in front of her? Sure, yeah, of course she was fine. It was definitely me and not her obvious injury/illness!”
“Ok look, you’re making me 20 minutes late to my kids pool party, but they will flip out when they find out that I saved a bunch of people cosplaying as Power Rangers. once you’re all bandaged up, can I get a pic for them?”
“Hey Doc! Over here! Yes she fainted right on top of me. No, I don’t know why. That’s your job, you’re the doctor. She’s breathing and everything otherwise appears normal. I have literally no other insight to add because this just happened. So I’ll just shift her weight over onto this other very capable nurse who also went to school for as long as I did, and be on my way. See ya later! Hope you feel better ma’am!”
“Why is 5pm always seizure-o-clock? Can’t anyone have a seizure at 3:45 anymore? I mean, lets be reasonable here.”
Magnet is always having people collapse, bleed, become critical, etc right in front of them anywhere and anytime they have places to be. They will always do their best to help whoever is in medical trouble if it’s actually urgent, but this is just a JOB and they know how to delegate. “Oh the computers went down? Nurse do you know how to write up a patients information on an intake form? And do you still know how to write a prescription Doctor? And IT is working on it? Ok great, if you have questions then text me, but I trust that my right-hand nurse has got this. Jimmy if you tell me you forgot how to write with a pencil and paper because you only use speech-to-text then you really need to re-evaluate your career as a medical professional. See you tomorrow!”
Sometimes though, they must respond and that’s just how it is. Frankly, we wouldn’t root for someone who is heartless, and they aren’t THAT big of an asshole. It’s played for comedy, not for mean-spiritedness.
“Of course I will hold your hand ma’am. Nothing is more important than you being ok. I know you’re scared, but I’ve got you. There’s definitely nowhere else I need to be right now. It will all be ok.”
Also maybe the other nurses really love Magnet’s spouse because they get brought baked goods by them once a month and are the only adult person who makes Magnet go from grumpy to immediately happy. So whenever Magnet is just fully unable to leave and they know it might be a while, they text (sometimes with a photo as long as it doesn’t break Hipaa) Magnet’s spouse to keep them updated. There is a constant line of communication.
“M. Spouse you’re gonna want to move your reservations, Magnet is trying to subdue a patient who is very high on many different drugs right now. Also those muffins were amazing btw.”
(5 min later) Magnet def gets very injured by said patient.
“Actually M. Spouse, cancel those reservations, Magnet got LIGHTLY stabbed but don’t worry it was VERY gentle and will only require a few stitches and also maybe make it hard for them to use utensils, so I recommend ordering in.”
Cut to Magnet in the background “God dammit that was my fork-holding hand! How am I supposed to eat fancy overpriced anniversary steak now!!!! (grumble grumble) Does my hair still look ok at least?”
Maybe Magnet also loves kids and is truly a different, very patient person in front of them. Kids are never as inconvenient as the adults because they’re kids. So sometimes the staff sort of use the kids to break tension in a funny way.
“I can’t BELIEVE how stupid that dipshit motorcyclist was— Oh hi sweetie! Are you looking for your mommy? Oh the nurse told you I had candy did she? Uh huh, I wonder why she sent you all the way over here, definitely not where you’re supposed to be at all, for a really cool reason like getting a piece of free candy even though there’s a bowl behind the nurses’ counter. Yes let’s go over there now and get you a piece and maybe not beat up that reckless motorcyclist. You should just stick with your bicycle…”
There’s so many ways you can play with this. And I would constantly be on Team Magnet. We know, without a doubt, that whenever they try to go somewhere or do something important that there will be an obstacle. So the challenge is then, how will it be funny and also how will it work out in the end in a way that makes me still root for the character and their interpersonal relationships? We don’t want them to be a straight up asshole all the time. They should get very concerned when things are super serious and bad. And they get upset if other people aren’t taking something seriously enough. But if Janet needs yet another epi-pen then by god will they be annoyed as shit in a hilarious way because that was a totally avoidable situation and only happens when Magnet is around anyway.
The staff would also be very aware. New staff member at a meeting: “Where is Magnet?” Everybody else: laughs. 15 minutes later Magnet walks in. “Sorry, was delivering a baby in my neighbors driveway. They named him Steve. Weird name for a baby. It’s not even short for Stephen. Just baby Steve. So what did I miss? Thanks for taking notes for me again Carol, you’re the best.”
Perhaps as seasons progress Magnet can also start to attract cool things. “How do you always get the celebrities and super rare diseases and I get someone with uncomfortable gas?” “My winning personality.”
You could also have an entire episode where the comedy is that everything goes completely smooth and normal with no big interruptions or emergencies, but Magnet and the other staffers are increasingly paranoid all day because chaos is normal, and this feels like calm before a storm. They’re peering around corners like James Bond looking for a villain. Cut to the day is over and Magnet gets in their car feeling relaxed and satisfied with a job well done, smile on their face… but then a car accident happens right behind them. “Aw man. So close!” (Begrudgingly gets out of car, credits roll.)
So back to home life. Magnet’s family always knows that they will try to put them first. And maybe this type of character would be a good foil for current iteration of Nurse-in-charge at St Denis. Magnet is someone who knows their priorities and pushes really hard to keep their promises and make things happen even in the face of medical emergencies. It isn’t perfect and it doesn’t always work out, but they have supportive (and very entertained) colleagues and a loving partner and kids. The partner does understand (“I know what I signed up for, and that’s a person who cares a lot about helping people, and even more about their family.”) because even if Magnet is always 20 minutes late, they ALWAYS show up unless it’s truly life or death for someone. And they get frequent updates from Magnet and/or the other staff so they aren’t blind sighted or waiting around for hours with no news. The muffins are multi-faceted bribes/gifts after all.
Yes, this is me being so sick of every couple in every show having drama solely based off of bad communication.
Maybe the kids are upset sometimes but are usually ok with it because Magnet has cool work stories and maybe brings home souvenirs (“look, this nail was in somebody’s arm today! no, don’t touch it, that’s gross”) and also constantly communicates with them. (“I’m so sorry I was late buddy, but you know how much I love you and that I wanted to be here right? I loved seeing you win that final tournament. Would you show me at home the cool karate moves you used on your first opponent? I know spouse took a video of that match, but I’d love for YOU to show me.”) And again, Magnet does show up the majority of the time, even if its a little later than planned. So the family knows to tell them 4:00pm when they really mean 5:30pm. Because they’re “Magnet.” They will attract a problem. The family knows the nickname and are very aware.
“It’s Halloween! I was supposed to be home by 2pm for trick-or-treating! And yet somehow every time I go to the door, another puking vampire shows up to ruin my third pair of shoes! …Oh, Spouse texted and said trick-or-treating is at 6pm? Yeah, I guess 2pm was early. No it didn’t occur to me that they lied about the time. So wait, if I leave now I can be an hour early? Amazing! (starts walking toward the exit, gets puked on again) God dammit that’s my fourth and final pair!!!!! Fuck it, I’m driving home with puke shoes. (over their shoulder while walking to the exit) Whoever pulls my name for Secret Santa this year, I want waterproof shoes and a 10 pack of socks please and thank you. Happy Halloween everyone!”
I would root for Magnet all day, every day.
Give me Magnet. Not micromanager who undervalues her family. Please and thank you.
an older gentleman, who regularly shops at our store, came in the other day. I could not for the life of me remember his name. he’s just a guy who comes in sometimes.
he immediately starts poking around and finds a rope (possibly a lasso, I didn’t investigate) and brings it to the counter.
now, customers are allowed to bring things to the register for us to hold while they shop. it’s a big building. makes everybody’s life easier when we do this. and whenever people leave something(s) we ask what name to put it under. if I had remembered his name I wouldn’t have asked, but alas.
so I ask what name I should put it under. he thinks for a second and then replies with a name I have literally never heard in my life.
it is not his name. I am very confident it isn’t.
“you know, like in the bible”
“no sir, I’m Jewish and I don’t understand the reference.”
he does not explain
he just walks away
I do not know how to spell this name
I don’t even remember what it was to try to spell it for you now because I had truly never heard it before and it wasn’t the easiest to pronounce
I enter him into the system as ‘rope’
he tells another coworker that it’s saved under this name I cannot spell
coworker also doesn’t know the name and just points to him from across the room
“ah yes, that’s for rope guy. check the saves under ‘rope’.”
he buys many more items and we all just avoid bringing up the name
we pull up the saved ‘rope’ at checkout
at no point do I ever find out his name
he leaves
I realize that the name could have been a bible character who saves babies or a bible character who murders babies and I would have never known the difference because I am not part of the bible fandom
I’m sure I will see rope guy again, but who knows what name he’ll try to stump me with
sometime after he leaves one of my coworkers says to another: “I wonder what he does with all of that stuff. he comes in and buys a bunch of random items semi-regularly. is his house full of eccentric things?”
other coworker: “actually he just puts them in his garage. he buys lots of stuff and it goes in his garage never to be seen again.”
me, thinking to myself but too afraid to ask: how do you know this…
an older gentleman, who regularly shops at our store, came in the other day. I could not for the life of me remember his name. he’s just a guy who comes in sometimes.
he immediately starts poking around and finds a rope (possibly a lasso, I didn’t investigate) and brings it to the counter.
now, customers are allowed to bring things to the register for us to hold while they shop. it’s a big building. makes everybody’s life easier when we do this. and whenever people leave something(s) we ask what name to put it under. if I had remembered his name I wouldn’t have asked, but alas.
so I ask what name I should put it under. he thinks for a second and then replies with a name I have literally never heard in my life.
it is not his name. I am very confident it isn’t.
“you know, like in the bible”
“no sir, I’m Jewish and I don’t understand the reference.”
he does not explain
he just walks away
I do not know how to spell this name
I don’t even remember what it was to try to spell it for you now because I had truly never heard it before and it wasn’t the easiest to pronounce
I enter him into the system as ‘rope’
he tells another coworker that it’s saved under this name I cannot spell
coworker also doesn’t know the name and just points to him from across the room
“ah yes, that’s for rope guy. check the saves under ‘rope’.”
he buys many more items and we all just avoid bringing up the name
we pull up the saved ‘rope’ at checkout
at no point do I ever find out his name
he leaves
I realize that the name could have been a bible character who saves babies or a bible character who murders babies and I would have never known the difference because I am not part of the bible fandom
I’m sure I will see rope guy again, but who knows what name he’ll try to stump me with
Because the “shrodinger’s queerbait” nonsense will never go away, indulge me an analogy (and a long post).
wlw ships are the “made from scratch” cake in a world where we only ever expect cake mix from the box.
Say you have a show where, in the first interaction between a male and female character, there is a red box. It could be a Betty Crocker box of cake mix. Because all it takes is just one smile — one wink — one raised eyebrow— and the fans don’t question it. We’re clearly making a cake here. The box is red.
Meanwhile, you have two female characters building their own relationship that have elements that could build to romance. There are eggs in the fridge. A few more episodes, there’s flour in the pantry. Sugar. Baking powder. Queer fans start whispering…we could be making a cake here. Other fans scoff “you will read into anything. They’re just eggs! Everyone has eggs in their fridge!” Maybe so, maybe not. They are written off as discrete ingredients, nothing to see here.
That red box is still sitting in the pantry. Obviously we’re going with that one, and it’s definitely cake mix. That guy and girl stood next to each other again.
The wlw relationship is now full-on batter. It was a cake recipe all along, but it’s not baked yet. The crowd that wrote off every ingredient is now saying the writers are just going to “squander” that box that could be ready-made cake mix or that they’re being “forced” to bake a cake with the very ingredients the writers deliberately bought and put in their pantry.
Now it’s in the oven, the cake is baking. That crowd will still insist it’s forced, or maybe its actually something else, or it’s rushed, or it’s pandering. Whether the writers painstakingly built a pantry to make the cake they truly wanted or they were cultivating good ingredients and realized they had the fixings for a more decadent cake and went there, it doesn’t matter. It’s still a recipe. One that fans who always have to piece together ingredients had hoped for or saw from the get-go, despite being scoffed at and disparaged. Just because that crowd didn’t see (or refused to see) those ingredients as part of a whole, doesn’t make it any less of a recipe.
And wlw fans shouldn’t have to keep writing essays to demonstrate that the wlw “cake” has all the ingredients every cake mix does, or keep pointing out that fans were ready to believe a cake was being baked when they saw a nondescript box, but that they’ll do anything to discredit or doubt the cake from scratch that’s now cooling off on the counter.
It is partly a function of heteronormativity from the audience in immediately seeing romance in any whisper of interaction between m/f characters and passing off all charged interactions between female characters are sisterly or platonic. And it also comes from writers, who are either being cautious so as not to spook corporate overlords or audiences, or who are preserving plausible deniability.
To take the analogy further, box cake mix is fine! It works! It is, practically speaking, what a lot of folks know by default. I thought I was a Duncan Hines girl once myself. Vanilla cake mix has the ingredients measured out, it’s a safe bet, it tastes like cake.
But it doesn’t mean every red box is cake mix. And it doesn’t make the cake that had to be pieced together from scratch due to censorship, caution, time, narrative build-up, what-have-you, any less of a cake.
video was muted, so for half a second while flipping he starts to go right and I was like "bitch I better not be seeing someone almost die on my dash today."
then I realized.
and then I was like, I bet I know which song is playing rn. 😏
actually you know what that's exactly it i would rather someone add 5 parantheticals after every sentence than use tone indicators it's 1. accomplishing SO much more in terms of clarity 2. extremely funny to look at depending on how they're used
"is this real? /gen" — i thought /gen meant "general" for ages. i would not be able to understand this on first sight a few years ago and is thus ineffective
"is this real? (genuine question)" — i fully understand this without issue
"is this real? (genuine question) (can't tell) (very realistic) (looks real) (scary) (photoshop?)" — is not only incredibly clear it's also very funny to read all of these thoughts stapled together while also in their own parentheses. it's also the most useful because now i can actually address all parts of what they are asking me with as much specificity as BOTH of us need
annaxmalina
titsay
