Before you say anything it took me 20 mins to come up with that title so you stfu about cheesiness, aight? A headcannon of all of the paladins (And the Alteans) best pickup lines. Also language warning. I apologize in advance for anyone who wanted serious pickup lines from Pidge, but yknow.
-Of course he’s first, why not?
-This boi.
-Every damn cheesy pickup line ever.
-It’s so sweet and dirty and the same time. You’ll be torn between blushing and slapping him.
-Most notable three pickup lines?
-”Do you need a glass of water? Cause baby, that ass is on fire!” He tried it on Keith. Things happened. No more explanation needed.
- “Those clothes are nice, but they’d look better on my bedroom floor.” Keith: I don’t get it. Lance: ¯\_ಠ╭╮ಠ_/¯ Bro.
- “Who stole the stars and put them in your eye(s)?” This one made Keith blush. A lot.
-He sometimes has troubles figuring out who isn’t taken, but that never stops him. He has an incredible radar for age and sexuality though, it’s scary~
-He tried. Not really, but you get the gist of it.
-Purposely fucks them up, probably.
-It’s canon that he’s a genius, so I wouldn’t be surprised.
-Honestly, he just changes them to more mothman-ified or gory version every damn time to scare off whoever Lance made Keith’s target that day.
-He succeeded(s) every time.
-Until the fateful Coran incident, that is.
-Somehow he always knows who’s old enough for him to be flirting with and who’s taken. It’s scary.
-He tends to use more goofy ones, less cheesy, more funny?
-Most notably uses, “Do you need a glass of blood? wonk wonk”, “I love you almost as a much as mothman. Like a three out of a possible five.” and “Hey Lance.” Yeah, I ship it fite me
-Another funny one is when Lance tried to help him ‘learn’ to properly flirt. Keith: “Hey, cutie, are you a tall glass of-” looks at Lance over the shoulder of potential date, to see him gesticulating wildly, like so. (づಠ╭╮ಠ)づ “-vinaigrette?” Lance: ლ(ಠᨎಠლ)
-Honestly, Keith just thinks it’s cute when Lance tries to help him. That’s all.
-You think she’d be outta the loop after ten thousand years
-They are the reason pickup lines are still worth using.
-Her pickup lines are that good.
-Like she’ll tie someone’s shoes and tell them “I don’t want you falling for anyone but me.”
-”Wow, and here I was thinking I had already seen the most beautiful sights in the galaxy.”
-Or “Wow, I thought I had seen every star in our galaxy, but I guess I missed you the first time around” Just a romantic little suave cornball. Lance would be weeping in his grave if he were dead.
-She will use these pickup lines on anyone she finds attractive that is confirmed to be single and old enough to be legal. Our girl aint a pedophile.(Actually that rule applies to everyone, just keep that in mind for the rest, alright?) BI AF, tbh. Alteans would just form relationships with whomever they found attractive, gender aside, probably.
-This girl is good at pickup lines. Not much else to add.
-Oh. Every bad Kabe Don meme ever. Including the one below, that’s been used multiple times. Always on Keith, because HEIGHT IS A THING YO.
-Actual pickup lines are questionable at best. “I’m underage, Fuckass.”, “I’m not legal, but you are kind of cute.”, and “Stop shipping me with an adult fuckheads.” “My love for Harambe is better than this shit. And he’s a dead meme.” “I am ten years younger than Shiro whaT ThE HELL?!” “Your face is slightly less annoying than Lance’s.” “My older brother and dad are in the military, fuck off.”
-Honestly, their game is weak.
-Most people actually think they’re cute when they do this though, kind of a Gap Moe because of their language and appearance? Space Dad has had some incidents where he had to intervene with someone a little too insistent about Pidge really being legal, which they aren’t... in the end things were fine and Shiro and Pidge ended up bonding over it, so it wasn’t so bad.
-A meme in life, a meme in death, a meme in love. Matt would be proud.
-The puns. They are disgusting. Mostly baker-food themed, disgusting lovey dovey puns. All the time.
-”Is your dad a baker? Because you are pretty sweet!~,<3″ How’d he say <3? The world will never know...
-He finds all the food themed pickup lines he can and changes them to be nicer. All the time.
-A giant fluffbutt. Just super nice. Refuses to swear at all in them. And never uses pickup lines on anyone who looks remotely young or like they could be taken. Almost never uses his lines tbh
-”Are you a magician? Because everyone else disappears when I see you!”
-This man will bake you anything if he likes you. ANYTHING.
-T H I S MAN Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
-He usually doesn’t use pickup lines, but when he does, it puts Allura to shame.
-He is a pro at having a good pickup line for any damn situation.
-Oh your care broke down? -Insert mechanic pickup line?-
-And the transition is always flawless too.
-If he thinks you’re attractive and knows you’re legal, he will not stop until you are a stuttering, blushing mess.
-”I used to think my favorite constellation was Orion, but I think I just found my new favorite in your eyes.”
-”I used to think beauty wasn’t real. Then I saw you.”
-These, but like 10x smoother. Seriously. And he doesn’t discriminate. He will use pickup lines like that on anyone he thinks has a nice personality. Haggar’s just jealous of Allura, obvi
-He and Matt used to practice together all the time, Shiro really didn’t need the practice, not that Matt would have told him.
-This man is literally space Nigel Thornberry
-What do you think he’s gonna do?
-In all honesty, he never uses pickup lines
-He’ll just offer to share his weird hair growth products or whatever.
-He will call you smashing.
-He has absolutely no flirtation ability at all.
-Yeah. I made my fav character the special guest. Don’t judge.
-”Are you my weird hovering platform thing? Because you MOOO-ve me in a way like no other.”
-That’s it.
So, first off, credits to my friend for helping me, sort of even though her help was just making me procrastinate. Second off, I stayed up way too late to write this, woooo~ As a little update, I’ll be working on the food one tomorrow/this morning when I’m not tired and cranky. Cause I really just want to sleep now. -Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this monstrosity! -Mun Fyre
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