Do you have any advice for people who emotionally abused a partner? I'm trying to figure out what caused me to act that way toward someone I really did love. I want to make sure it never happens again.
First, this might seem obvious but itâs worth specifying, donât try to contact them if theyâve cut off contact from you. If they cut off contact it means they need the time to heal and itâs likely very upsetting for them to interact with you. It might be you have the chance to apologize and if possible make amends in the future, itâs also possible that they refuse to be contacted no matter how much time passes, and it is of absolute importance to respect that, even if you feel bad about not having closure.Â
However, one thing that is less obvious is donât cut off contact on your own if they havenât! If you think you are in a position to harm them again and want to distance yourself, tell them, donât just disappear out of nowhere because you assume thatâs whatâs best for them. Particularly if you were an important support in their life. Basically, let them set their own limits, donât impose yours on them.
Now that thatâs clarified, to address your question: I would first try to determine the factors involved, starting from the risk factors. For example, do you have something that makes you more likely to have dysfunctional behaviours, like certain mental illnesses and personality disorders, or a past of abuse, or addictions? Was there a power imbalance in the relationship (for example if you are significantly older, if there is a big financial imbalance, and of course if you are in any position of authority)? Is it possible that you entered in a relationship with this person because you perceived a certain weakness on their part (insecurity, impressionability, loneliness, etc)?
If you suspect you have a personality disorder, for example, itâs a good idea to look for a therapist to help you address the issue. If you have dysfunctional patterns of behaviours in the first place, in general, itâs probably a good idea to see a therapist. Mental care is not always easily available, Iâm aware of that, but itâs worth looking into it before assuming you canât access it.
Regardless of if you can see a therapist or not, youâll have to work on yourself and do a lot of introspection. You say you emotionally abused someone, so if you have awareness of it, you have at least some degree of awareness of what you did wrong, either because your partner or someone who knows the situation told you, or because you realized it yourself. You likely have at least a basic idea of *what* you did wrong.
If you know some of the things that you did wrong, you can start to analize what type of categories they fall into. For example, was it controlling behaviours, were you very possessive? Was it manipulation? Of what kind (gaslighting, guilt tripping, suicide baiting, etc)? Did you shout at them and/or threaten them?Â
Once you get a clear idea of what type of dysfunctional behaviours you are prone to, itâs also easier to try and determine what makes you act like that. For example, if you are possessive and controlling, one reason for it might be that you have anxiety about being abandoned, and so knowing that your partner interacts with other people makes you fear that they might like them more than you and eventually discard you, so to counteract that you try and control them so that they have no one but you. If you are prone to snapping at them and yelling and calling them names or threatening them, it can easily be that you have anger issues and bad self-control (this is often made worse if you have any addiction).
It can also be that you donât know how to communicate boundaries and discomfort, and how to address things that make you upset, so instead of bringing it up and discussing it you feel that you should punish the other person (for example giving them âthe silent treatmentâ until they figure out what they did wrong and being angry at them for not realizing without you telling them, or not telling them something they did that makes you upset because you think if they cared it would be obvious, then when they donât change their behaviour you think they are provoking you deliberately because they donât care, etc).
Itâs very important to learn to bring up issues in a healthy manner in a relationship. Of course misunderstandings or arguments can happen, but itâs one thing when the occasional argument happens, itâs another thing if your partner has to walk on eggshells trying to gauge how to avoid triggering the emotional equivalent of a nuclear reaction from you. Donât let issues fester until you snap, or get passive aggressive about it. No one can read minds in the real world.
Another thing I can think of at the moment, is what I mentioned before regarding whether you picked your partner because you perceived a certain vulnerability from them. Itâs not necessarily obvious and it can be almost completely subconscious, so donât discount the idea right away. For example, if you are worried about being abandoned, you might tend to seek out people who have little social interaction and are emotionally vulnerable because they cling to you and might become dependent on you. If you tend to be controlling you might seek out someone who is meek and scared of confrontation because they are less likely to stand their ground. Or conversely, if you tend to start fights because you feel the need to lash out at someone when you are stressed then you might seek out someone who is impatient so that they are less likely to stay calm when you are on edge and things end up escalating so you feel justified in lashing out at them and you donât feel like the bad guy.
Basically, the tl;dr is that you need to sit down and analyze your behaviour to find out what are the things that contribute to it, both in terms of external factors and internal ones. And if you can, seek out professional help so that you can have guidance in this process.
I hope this helps, do keep in mind Iâm not a professional, I just have experience with abuse and talk about it a lot (well aside from being rather inactive recently...) because I think itâs important.Â
Still, if you want to and feel comfortable giving examples of what kind of things made you come to the conclusion that you were abusive, I can try to give you some more pointers. I have internalized some harmful behaviours from abuse so I have some experience in doing self-reflection and analyzing what made me behave in dysfunctional ways.
