I have spent a good many years since―too many, I think―being ashamed about what I write. I think I was forty before I realized that almost every writer of fiction or poetry who has ever published a line has been accused by someone of wasting his or her God-given talent. If you write (or paint or dance or sculpt or sing, I suppose), someone will try to make you feel lousy about it, that's all.
whatever you do, please don't turn me down the single time I decide to speak to you about something I care about. it's so hard for me to feel heard. if I ever look for you to share a piece of thought about something, wheter it's a situation or just a piece of media or art I like, please don't push me away, please take time to think about it and reschedule if you can't share this moment with me right away.
it's been two hours and I still feel tears covering my eyes. it's no big deal, really, just me, once again, questioning myself. I just can't help but to feel utterly invisible, worthless, miserable and dumb.
it's stupid, I know. like, who ever owes me to listen to my words? it's just babbling, after all. it's just the only way I know to show myself and express my struggles and emotions to others.
truth is you can't hurt me more than choosing not give me that little time, that tiny consideration, the few times I feel enough to lean on to you.
Penso a come i libri che ho bisogno di leggere in un determinato periodo mi raggiungono, silenziosi, in un modo o nell'altro.
L'ultimo libro che ho finito è stato La Caverna di Saramago. L'ho afferrato in biblioteca, della trama mi incuriosiva il colpo di scena finale e la generale critica al capitalismo, e avevo voglia di leggere un libro con profonde e genuine relazioni famigliari, in cui l'amore è un disinteressato porto sicuro. Nulla di più. Me lo sono portato a casa, ho messo in pausa Le Due Torri per finirlo entro la fine del prestito.
Arrivo all'ultima parte, in cui la famiglia Algor si deve trasferire al Centro, che finalmente vediamo dall'interno: un enorme centro commerciale residenziale.
E questo cosa c'entra con me?
Leggo questo libro, ignara delle svolte che la storia prenderà, proprio nel piccolo periodo della mia vita in cui lavoro per un ristorante parte di una catena, che casualmente si trova proprio fuori da un centro commerciale.
Sono due mesi che passo le mie pause tra un turno di lavoro e l'altro seduta su un divanetto, con l'aria condizionata, circondata dalla confusione di persone che mi passano accanto, volti su volti che vedo per un istante e sguardi che non ricorderò mai di aver incrociato. E inizio a leggere del Centro e delle mille attrazioni create su misura per illudere l'uomo che, rinchiuso in quell'enorme edificio, ci sia tutto ciò che desideri, della considerazione che hanno i superiori nei confronti di Cipriano, un tassello infinitesimale nell'enorme macchina del Centro, un granello di sabbia che diventa troppo fastidioso e allora si può semplicemente soffiare via; leggo di tutto questo mentre anche io passo il mio tempo in un centro commerciale che è solo uno dei tanti, l'ennesimo Centro, mentre a mia volta mi sento un piccolo pezzo che non quadra nell'insieme, una figura come tante, un corpo che occupa un po' di spazio su una poltrona. Una figura che, come Cipriano, lì non ci vuole stare, che quei soldi non li vuole spendere, ma guadagnare, costretta a rimanere su quel divanetto in mezzo alla folla invece di andarsene a casa. Dopotutto, è la cosa più utile, il miglior bilancio prezzo-beneficio a livello di tempo, non ce n'è mai abbastanza di questo tempo. Non ce l'avevo il tempo per tornare a casa a riposare. E allora sono rimasta seduta sul divanetto, un giorno dopo l'altro, a leggere di Cipriano e Trovato, di Marta e Marçal e Isadora, finché non hanno scoperto il segreto della Caverna e sono fuggiti. Spero di poter partire presto anche io, verso un posto nel mondo che più si addice a ciò che cerco.
Che poi, cosa sto cercando?
just a few pics from these summer months. there's so much out there to look forward to.
here I am again with two silly reviews because I LIKE putting my opinions on the internet [yeah I know it's only two books in 4 months what can I say I'm struggling to find time and energy to read as always]
Father Sergius (Padre Sergij), by Lev Tolstoj. ☆☆☆☆
started: june 29, 2025
finished: july 3, 2025
I read this short story because I reached a point where I couldn't go on with lotr or anything too long. As much as I miss Tokien rn, I needed a break from the two towers. Anyways, this book surprised me enough, the story is simple and rather short, but the writing style is witty and thoughtful. The soul of the main character, Stepàn Kasatskij - who is later gonna be known as Father Sergius - is inspected in a truly deep way. The ratio behind Father Sergius' personality is clear and coherent: the author isn’t afraid to dig until the very backbone of Kasatskij’s mind is showed and explained. I really liked this book, what can I say, books about inner moral conflicts are my cup of tea. I also think the story doesn’t end up in the “rushed ending” / “unexplained ending” trap, better yet, I think the author does a good job explaining the final reach for meaning of Kasatskij. The one thing I wish was more present, though, was the character of Praskov'ja, who is not talked about enough, imo. I understand that the whole point is her being a one-sided character, since the simpler lives of the ones who live for themselves and others are the most blessed ones, even when they aren’t as close to God as people judge them to be. This is twisted ik, and there are many other interpretations of this story, but I just want to say that I wish the woman who gives hope back to Kasatskij was more inspected too – but this is probably a fault of the time Tolstoj lived in. OH AND LASTLY, I loved Màkovkina and the climax of her meeting with Father Sergius: I was flabbergasted when that thing happened – and I won’t tell you what that is, in case you want to read this little novel – but yeah that one scene was probably one of my favs from this book. OK I’M DONE.
written on july 13, 2025
The Cave (La caverna), by José Saramago. ☆☆☆☆
started: july 5, 2025
finished: august 11, 2025
This is the book that went home with me the day I decided I couldn't visit a library without borrowing something. Earlier to this one, I had only read Death with Interruptions by Saramago, and I admit I've enjoyed both of these readings. Observing the bonds that unite this little family slowly unwind before my eyes was beautiful. The relationships are outlined in a clear and concrete way: I truly admire Saramago's ability to well-describe every character using a few thoughts or a few dialogues during each scene. I'm also here for the blatant critic towards capitalism and consumerism, as well as the evident contrast between the barren and fake lives led in the Centre and the simple, yet genuine lives of the ones who inhabit the outside of the city. Nothing too new, maybe, but with enough innovation not to be perceived as something seen over and over again: I think this modern reinterpretation of Plato's philosophy came out quite good, adding to that just enough suspence and profound human connections, too.
The plot twist at the end does its job, and then, what can I say, I loved my [spoliers] happy ending, as well as reading of an old man who gives love a second chance. AND let's not forget about a stray stray dog that finds a new and warm home [Trovato ily]. One critic I have may be that, even if this has been a fluent reading, the story proceeds really slowly; besides, I didn't mind the use of the stream of counsciousness – the author used it in Death with Interruptions, too, I knew what to expect – but it's not my favourite writing style, so I would have preferred more details here and there, clearer dialogues, etc. No big deal, tho, this book was definitely worth it! Reading the last pages left my heart with some thoughts to decompress, but lots of hope and love, too.
written on august 15, 2025
Okay so. I haven't decided if I'll follow through any reading challenge this year, yet. I know it's almost april, idc. BUT. I miss reviewing the books I read, so here they are!
Now that I think about it, I guess you could also name this section as:
Fantasy Books That Resulted In So Much Obsession I Had To Rewatch Their Movies Both Of The Times
The Spiderwick Chronicles (Spiderwick: Le Cronache), by Tony DiTerlizzi & Holly Black. ☆☆☆
Started: January 9, 2025
Finished: January 16, 2025
Ah yes, this one has been the perfect reading to start the year and to keep my reading streak active during my stressful exams session. Y'all don't know how much I've been obsessed with the Spiderwick movie when I was a kid. I've watched the DVD so many times, and at some point I had the xbox videogame too. Needless to say that there was a time when I was so obsessive about it that I had to finish the main story and every side-quest. I think I know the layout of the Grace's house as if it was my own. About the book, I found it in a thrift store on a completely random day when I was with my mom, so I had to buy it. And I started reading it out loud in the car as she drove me back to my apartment. The artworks are so pretty and it was so nice to dive back into the story once again, and as the movie scenes unfolded in my mind, the book filled up holes and added riddles and dialogues and thoughts to the characters' actions. Yes, of course I rewatched the movie when I was done with this book. Yes, I would've wanted to play the videogame again, since I remembered some scenes from the videogame that resembled the book, but weren't shown in the movie (the Knocker!) (I watched some clips on youtube, who do you think I am).
Btw I know there's a tv show too, but I'm quite skeptical, I haven't watched it yet. Should I?
The Fellowship of the Ring (La Compagnia dell'Anello), by J.R.R. Tolkien. ☆☆☆☆
Started: January 17, 2025
Finished: March 17, 2025
This book, I can't stop thinking about it. It surprised me enough, even if I had to push myself through some parts. I kept on reading because I could sense the heart behind every word, every poem, every song, every detail, every description, every single piece of the world Tolkien built. Picture me, at times, just laying in my bed, holding the map of Middle-earth right above my head, studying the places and connecting them to their history, as they were mentioned thoughout the story. Yeah, merely connecting the easiest dots. I don't even know what got me so much into this book, since the characters are well crafted, but not that much in depth yet. Okay, maybe that's why I want to keep on reading the next book so much: I want to know more and more about everything and everyone.
The established dynamics between each population and the history that bought the world to its current era is sooo complicated, but very real. The relationships between each component of the fellowship are so heartwarming to me, too. I loved how Gimli and Legolas slowly became besties. The way Sam cares about Frodo makes my heart cry every time. The loyalty of the fellowship towards each other is so wonderful to read. I loved reading what every companion brought to the group, I cried when Gandalf sacrificed himself (and after too - yes, to name one, think about the songs about him in Lothlórien), and it felt undoubtedly right for Aragorn to take his place as the head of the fellowship. God, I loved everything about Aragorn, he's been such a binding force for the group, the embodiment of reason and logic and care and truthful loyalty. I fell in love with some places I've only been in with my imagination, one above all was Lothlórien - do I even have to say it? Every description of places felt so real and poetic at the same time.
Then I rewatched the movie, and I enjoyed understanding more and more; I was liteally jumping on the chair every time I could grasp a quote or when a piece of history was made clearer or addressed both in the movie and in the book. Note to self: this book reminded me why I love reading so much. I love taking time to appreciate how the pieces are put together, I love that it fucking takes time, like a lot of time, to do stuff like going from a place to another, and every decision is followed by a lot of preparation, thinking, discussing, especially when Frodo's journey will affect everyone inMiddle-earth. I love how every action and dialogue equals more insight on the characters, I love how every poem means knowing more about myths and history and context: these are just some of the things that unfortunately get lost in the movies. So yeah, I just love taking time to appreciate everything, slowly, step by step, just that. [No wonder it took me two months to finish this book. Oh well. Idc.]
Oh and by the way, Boromir is alive and well at the end of the book. Let's keep it that way! For a bit, please. I remember only a few things from The Two Towers' movie. I will pretend I know nothing at all. Shhhh.
I could go on talking about this book, but let's call it a day for now.
/ just a short journal to remind myself I'm doing good; 05.03.2025
I miss posting here, I feel like I haven't had much time to write or much things to say, lately. The last couple of months have been so tiring I got my heartburn back. I haven't read much, either, but I'm still on it, and once I'll finish my current book, you can bet I will post about my readings.
Anyways, I want to write here a bit, because today feels somewhat kinder. I see my thesis project moving forward, I see time I can spend studying without worrying I won't make it.
And then, there's this. Yesterday I wrote my first - reasonable - 700 words of a scene after god knows how much time I've felt completely stuck with my writing habit. I've felt inspired and, most of all, I've felt I had the energy and the concentration to put out some ideas and mold them into something I like. I've felt like I was finally saying something, for the first time in months, maybe years. And I can't wait to go back to that sheet on my pc and keep going. I can't wait to continue reading my current book, too. I can't wait to see my friends. Today I've also bought concert tickets to see an Italian singer with one of my besties. I can't wait to go to concerts.
/tw rant, thoughts, idk
20.02.2025
These days I'm thinking how I feel everything way too much. Everything is too heavy or too big or too ugly and I'm constantly conflicted between looking for beauty in what surrounds me but not having enough of it. And I try to let go and let my heart hope, I try to make it change, step by step, but then anxiety comes and it strucks me like a train. The knot in my stomach swallows every energy I have left and I can't do anything about it. I overthink every single thing again and again and then I feel bad, guilty, stuck.
Why does my body have to feel so much.
Sometimes I'm scared I'll go back to that perception of worthlessness; what if nothing ever tops what I picture in my head, which will the consequences be?
I've been climbing up to walls to escape the sinking feeling / but I can't hide from the nihilist at my door.
I love reading stories that feel wholly and utterly loved by the writer. That's why I don't fear AI's affect on my future as a writer, because you can always tell when something is made by someone who loves it
Big news I've reached my reading goal of the year AND I completed the 13 Moons Reading Challenge! I can't wait to read more and more in 2025, I really wanto to make reading a second nature.
Thanks to @readnburied for the prompts that often gave me new ideas for my readings during this year!
Read a book while wearing a pair of socks: La Piccola Conformista (The Little Conformist), by Ingrid Seymann. ☆☆☆ ½
The stars I removed are because of how each chapter felt disconnected from the other: it's a stylistical choice and I understand it, since the story is like a collection of memories told by a little girl, Esther (who is only in middle school by the end of the book); anyhow, this method makes the narrative really fast-paced and not too datailed or precise: simply not my preferred prose style. This book talks about some of the political changes of the '70s in France, filtered by the daily life of a - we coud say - dysfunctional family. But what's important to say is that this book, in all its confusion, left me something, wheter it's the handed-down feeling of melancholy and pain of a family who had to leave its homeland, or the crisis triggered by coming back to that same place, only to found out that that destination doesn't exist anymore (in this book, I'm talking about the French Algeria). I haven't experienced this feeling though, but do you know what I've experienced? The fucking dysfunctional family part. And my story is not the same of Esther, but I couldn't help but to feel closer to her in some odd, specific ways. If you want a slightly political and real, irriverent, easy but also full-of-climax reading, this book could be it. I finished it in just one day, but I haven't found any version in English. There's always the French version if you're skilled!
Blue Moon
Read a classic / book with a dramatic title: The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne. ☆☆☆☆
Let's talk about this book. Let's talk about it. It was my first real / classical / serious / complete reading in English. I really, really liked it. It was a bit hard to grasp some sentences, and sometimes I had to focus way too much on understanding the meaning of the concepts rather than paying attention on the poetic or sarcastic hints Hawthorne filled the pages with. I think that if I had read it in Italian, I would have enjoyed it all a bit more. Nonetheless, this is a classic worth reading. I really enjoyed the nod at the unearthy, the visual descriptions that in some ways felt in-between different worlds. I loved every part where I could read the insides of a conflicted sinner's soul and his delusions, I loved to delve into the life of an excluded woman, who had the fearlessness of facing the puritan punishment. I loved exploring sin and its rigid interpretation of a distant age, the responsability and self-guilt that comes with it, but also the liberation that comes when admitting it and the painful yet relieved redemption to pursue in order to be truly forgiven. Oh and wanna talk about how in this book it is also addressed that spending a life on revenge can only lead to perdition, the loss of oneself and hallowness? Or how the sinner-woman becomes legendary in the end, making an honest life on her deeds rather than her sins? Or how Pearl, her daughter, is also a metaphorical being for the consequences of sin but she's also the only human character really capable of offer redemption? Because Pearl is not only the "product" of sin, but also of a star-crossed love between two people that only wanted be free by growing old together. You could say there's a lot in this book, and I think even some early feminist inputs — well the plot itself was surely feminist for its time. What can I say. If you like a bit of a challenge with old English, I recommend this one!
UH - What is this?
I'm not done writing!
It was while writing these reviews that I realized that the two main characters of my last two books of the year are named Esther or its variant. We have:
Hester Prynne, from the The Scarlet Letter
Esther Dahan, from The Little Conformist
Soooo there are indeed lots of analysis of the names used in TSL, so I'll try to put a little recap here; then I'll try to personally interpret the choice of Esther for TLC - I found no references by the author :(
Names analisys because I want to⁓
[ SPOILER ALERT; The Scarlet Letter ]
First things first: the entirety of TSL talks about religion and sin, so you can't tell me Hawthorne didn't read the Bible and didn't put religious references in his book. That's, like, basic stuff.
Of course, the name Hester comes from the biblical Esther, who is described as a woman capable of compassion, and also faithful, courageous, cautious and resolute. There are some similarities between the two women, not only regarding aspects of their personality, but concerning their actions too. Both of them have to confront a high-placed figure of their society: Hester visits Bellingham's mansion to maintain little Pearl's parental responsability, while Esther shows up at King Ahasuerus court and she's able to gain his favour in the end. Both of them are also forced into a unwanted and unfulfilling relationship with an older man - Hester is tied to Chillingworth, Esther marries Ahasuerus without feeling any love for him.
And if Hester is Esther, Dimmesdale is probably the counterpart of Mordechai (a spiritual leader of the Jews*), Esther's cousin and guardian, claimed to have had a secret sexual involvement with her that was never resolved. And what about Chillingworth? He could be inspired from Haman, a character who seeks revenge against Mordechai, but fails.
Fun fact: Hawthorne never writes the word Adultery, for which the Scarlet Letter A stands for, and I will not dwell on the meaning of this in the story (this post is already long enough). But do you know which other book avoids a particular word? Exactly! The Book of Esther doesn't mention God, and it's the only book from the Hebrew Bible that doesn't refer to the divinity directly.
Sorry I wrote so much, but. Actually. I'm not sorry. I love this stuff aaaaah.
* If you want to know more I took everything from this link, it's a nice and quick summary to start: https://gradesfixer.com/free-essay-examples/significance-of-names-in-the-scarlet-letter/
Excuse for any eventual inaccuracies, this is just meant to provide a basic understanding; more info is welcome, since I've never studied this literature piece and its influences!
And what about The Little Conformist? I'll write down my short and easy interpretation. I know nobody is gonna read this part, since probably no one read this book. But, you know, who fucking cares?
[SPOILER ALERT; The Little Conformist ]
Needless to say, Esther Dahan has the exact same name of Esther from the Bible. And that's no news, since her father in the story is, in fact, Jewish. A lot of Esther Dahan's story revolves around her identity as a Jew, except that she doesn't really feel one. At first, she and her brother are decribed as "half-Jews", since their mother, Elizabeth, is French. This part of her heritage disappears more and more as she grows up: she starts attending a catholic school and later on she decides to be baptized as a christian. In order to be accepted in her new school, she hides the characteristics of her family (strongly non-conformist and leftist), considered factors of unacceptable antithesis with the burgeois world she now frequents. She also starts to hate her father and everything he represents, she despises his maniacal need of order, his outbursts and his fights with Elizabeth, his attitude; in the little girl's eyes, "the only problem in her mother's life was her husband".
Esther Dahan doesn't have that much in common with the Esther of the Bible, she's not a woman yet and she still has to find herself, she has no concrete faith in whatsoever religion or political view. She's just a teenager trying to survive during delicate times. Her name in Hebrew means "I will hide" (*): the biblical Esther hides her real identity in order to save the Jews from the massacre ordined by Haman; while Esther Dahan hides her family origins throughout the whole book, and it's right when she has the courage to open up with a new friend about it, that she feels at a turning point, sensing the positive comfort of a real understanding.
Maybe Esther parents' gave her this name because they hoped she'd become a resilient and fierce woman, with faith in her values; maybe that is the woman Esther Dahan is destined to become, as the author pictured it, but we are not meant to meet that version of Esther.
* I took the translation of Hebrew from Wikipedia, I hope it's right.
If any of the information I found isn't correct, again, please let me know. This is just a friendly curious post - I haven't read the Bible and I don't know Hebrew. mwah
Conclusions: I know there's so much more symbolism behind Hawthorne's work. I wish I would've studied The Scarlet Letter at school.
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