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alex | 20 | nursing major aspiring poet and author

[heavensghost]

[roseaex]

REFLECTIONS

This is not going to be an entry of hate towards a past lover, but a regcognition.

Yesterday I heard our song ring through my ears and it has been the first time I have thought of you in awhile. I thought of you, your family, and what you had done to me.

I could have never hated you, but I despised how much I let you torment me, but I do not despise you anymore.

Thank you. Thank you for showing me how I should not be treated. Thank you for helping me realize it was not my fault for not being able to trust you when you crumbled our foundation. Thank you for teaching me what it was like to be ripped from myself. I grew.

I hope your family is well. Your sister I hope she prospers and I hope your mother realizes she can amount to the world. I hope everything runs well with the waves that intertwine between your relationships. I hope your relationship well. I hope it shows you how to treat someone and to respect someone’s mental health.

I never wish what you did to me on you, instead I hope you reflect, come to terms, and grow. I hope you a happy and healthy life, and if it is with the girl that made you break us, I wish you all the love.

Thank you for being vital in my self worth and growth, but now I am done. I am done with the nights sobbing over a bottle because I found I was never cared by for by you. I instead was a charity case you beat emotionally to build yourself up. I am done blaming myself for you not being full committed. It was you who had to deal with it. I just hoped you would have told me sooner instead of dragging me along. I am done getting angry at myself for not being able to hate you. I am done thinking of you.

Our chapter is over, farewell H.

[roseaex]

dear r.

i sincerely apologize.

you craved an intimacy i could not give nor receive. I had just came out of a four year relationship that had collapsed who I was. I found myself stumbling to regather my life again. You craved someone who was emotionally capable of giving you something more.

I could never have been that more. We started off as nothing much more than friends under the sheets, but soon you began late night phone calls. You became good morning texts. You became the one calling me pet names that would cause my heart to ache because i found only one person capable of calling me them.

I sincerely apologize that I couldn’t tell you my heart was unavailable. I became the blow off text. I became the send to voicemail. I apologize that I could not face you. In honesty I was scared. I still am but I do not feel that severity of a heartbreak as much as i did on those summer nights.

I am so incredibly sorry for not being able to hold your heart in my hands. You where my best friends brothers friend. I could have never done that and I apologize that I could not carry your soul with mine.

I know you will find someone who can. I know you will find the girl who can answer your calls. Who doesn’t break down when you call her that name because it triggers negative emotions. A girl who can answer every text with as much love and passion as you sent. A girl who can be the shoulder to hold you.

love,

a.

[acmword]

i think of you time to time.

you will escape from the corners of mind but come back with waves

it is getting easier to listen to silly love songs without my chest caving into sobs

it is getting easier accepting the mere fact you never loved me you just wanted someone as a charity case

it is getting easier not hating myself because i couldn’t trust you

it is getting easier as the truths uncover themselves in the holes of our story

it is getting easier wearing that shirt i wore the first time we kissed, going to that restaurant where we slurred our future devotions to each other

it is getting easier as you slowly dissipate into a story of my past rather than a story of my future.

[tullipsink]

sad lovers pt1

[promisesofamazing]

“And I owe so many apologies but mostly to myself. For I have been nothing but cruel to myself my entire existence.”

— Deeply Feeling Series

[roseaex]

THREE MONTHS

It has been three months since i heard your acidic tone burn my lungs

It has been three months since i heard your curdling yells collapse my drums

It’s been three months since I curled under my linen sheets listening to music to drown out our toxic love.

It’s been three months since i’ve figured out that with you I lost who i was.

as much as I loved you,

and god i loved you

in fact I still do and i always will because that is the sick thing about love no matter how much i would love to hate you i can’t. i can’t hate you because you taught me a lot.

with all the cries and panic attacks you brought on you also brought on fits of laughter and late night rambles of a future we paved for each other.

the difference was we saw two differe nt futures.

mine was a future of picking up everything and following you because i thought that was what love was.

yours was her.

i do not know when yours started to become her and i cannot find myself to hate you for that.

i don’t think i will ever hate you because you where what i considered my other half while i was a mere quarter of you

and once you found that i was not some toy for you to fix you left, leaving behind an empty shell of a love you where never invested in

[lifeinpoetry]

few women ever experience themselves as real few women ever experience themselves as real few women ever experience themselves as real few women ever experience themselves as real few women ever experience themselves as real

— Carrie Lorig, from The Blood Barn

[vodkakilledtheteen]

Now that I think about it we really had nothing real between us. You were always on cloud nine when you were with me. My mind was broken glass when we met. When we first met, I just wanted to feel a little bit of sanity roaming through my head, and unfortunately, you did bring me that sanity, but it took a few months for me to realize that your words were just stitches that’ll eventually come off and I’ll end up breaking open again.

— Alexa Evangelista, The Book I’ll Never Finish Writing

[juansendizon]

“have faith & breathe a little. it will all be okay. where you want to be may seem so far away. still, be thankful for who you are today. walk. walk. walk. success is a journey & what matters is the progress & the steps you’ve taken this day. just be mindful & do not dwell on the troubles of yesterday. have faith & breathe a little. it will all be okay. sometimes, it gets so dark you begin to lose your way. sometimes, it gets so stressful you should allow yourself to smile & play. dance. dance. dance. through the chaos of existence & remember that despite your storms & struggles, you are always on your way. may beauty be the reason that you push through no matter what anyone will say. take in art. express art. be art. you have always been beautiful in your own way. survival is a form of growing. just be you each & every day.”

— juansen dizon, You are going to make it someday

[thegoodvybe]

[thegoodvybe]

[acmword]

i didn’t realize how beautiful nature was until the past three weeks it truly is comforting and the most fun when experiencing it with the people you care most about

[thegoodvybe]

[acmword]

dear you

I no longer see your eyes as galaxies

or the flowers in your veins

I no longer see my hands brushing through

your hair and laying with you each morning

I no longer see myself waking up next to you

I no longer picture myself growing old with you

I no longer see myself suffering to bite my tongue

for the sake of your mental health

I no longer see myself sobbing myself to sleep

Because the trust issues you caused

I no longer seeing my own being deteriorate for the sake of you living flourishing

I see myself living as my own self

finding new people and having new experiences

I see myself finally becoming a person

[acmword]

people tell me

they believe you where with

someonelse when with me

the sad part is

that doesn’t hurt because I’ve already suspected it

[acmword]

maybe one day you’ll love me

as much as you loved her