Actually Aromantic

My name's Angela, and I'm an aromantic asexual. This is a side blog for aromantic blogging. Feel free to ask questions. I will try my best to keep this a safe space. I prefer they / them pronouns. Intercommunity and intracommunity issues are welcome for discussion. Anti-asexual and/or anti-aromantic discourse is not welcome.

[gaymascdragon]

If anyone could give me a good explanation for the difference between aromantic and alloromantic, that’d be great.

And do not use the word ‘romantic’, it’s meaningless on its own. 

[actuallyaro]

It’s hard to explain something without using the word, because the word itself encompasses many things that our society would define as [insert word you don’t want me to use] but I will try to respect that request. I think I understand why you ask that.

Additionally, it is very hard for aromantics to describe things they do not feel but they know exists in other people. I will try, though. Just know that the concept of The Word is foreign to most of us.

First and foremost:

I would say that The Word is something that requires actions, words, aesthetics, etc. in combination with intention and feeling towards someone.

By extension, what it looks like can be dependent on what one is socialized to think it looks like and how they associate it with what they feel or don’t feel.

For example, a hug or a kiss can be considered as such as long as the intention is put behind it but it does not always have to be. It could just be a way to show appreciation or connection with someone without the intention of ‘falling in love’ with them.

Sharing a beautiful setting with flowers and candy can be considered as such if you or your society intends it to be. Otherwise, it could be just a nice day out with a trusted person.

What separates aromantics from alloromantics is the feelings and intentions part of it; not so much the actions, words, aesthetics, etc. themselves that our society may associate with it.

Aromantic people (generally) do not experience these feelings and as a result they either do not intend for their feelings to be expressed in that fashion or they don’t associate their actions with those kinds of feelings.

For example, I never intend for my actions to signify that kind of attraction to another person. If I go out on a ‘date’ (scheduled event) with someone, the only intention I have is to spend time with them as a friend. I cannot feel any other connection.

In English, I also think the difference is expressed well when people say “I love you” versus “I am in love with you.” Intention in combination with those phrases express different feelings or capacities for feeling.

I never say I’m in love, which I think says a lot about my identity personally - why I’m aromantic, not alloromantic.

[gaymascdragon]

I think where I’m getting lost is with the difference in feelings. Being ‘in love’ always seemed like a meaningless distinction from ‘loving’ a person. 

Obviously I’m trying to figure out if I’m aro myself (I already know I’m asexual). It started by my utter confusion over QPR as a term. I was one of those people who was like “… this just sounds like a friendship or a normal romantic relationship to me.” I’m married to a man I love very deeply, but it’s honestly not a different kind of love than that which I hold for my mom or my best friend. Just more intense. 

I think of myself as ‘gay’ but this applies to everyone in my life. I have some non-masculine friends, but I am honestly just more comfortable around men in both friendships and relationships (tbf I’ve only ever had one relationship, and that’s with my current partner). 

I have always believed marriage should be able to be between anyone. Even family members (mostly because I see it as a way to formalize legal boundaries and rights, not to mention access to benefits). 

Honestly the way I currently live with my partner is exactly the way I’d live with any of my close friends. I might be more physically affectionate with my partner but that’s also largely because I’m much more comfortable being physical with men then women in any context. 

All the physical parts of romance: visiting a beautiful place, sharing a meal, unprompted gift giving, cuddling… I do it with all my close friends.

This is why QPR as a term seemed utterly pointless to me. Because how I view my own relationship with my partner is just a slightly more intense version of my close friendships. And everything about QPR just made me think about what I have had with friends in the past and now with my current partner.

I can’t figure out if I’m an in-denial aro or if I just haven’t yet found the thing that is technically ‘romance’ or ‘romantic’. It’s partially why I wanted an explanation without the word since it seems to encompass different things for different cultures/people and is not a concrete delineator between aros and allos. (At least, as far as I can tell).

[actuallyaro]

Understandable. I’ll expand on my thoughts using the word, only to discuss how aromantics and alloromantics may express their feelings about it differently.

QPRs usually involve a certain level of commitment and it is designed to distinguish platonic partnerships from romantic ones. Some feel the need to use it, while others do not. It’s also not exclusive to aromantic people. Anyone can be in a QPR, it just depends on how one wants to define the relationship they’re in. It’s not more or less than a romantic relationship, but it may look similar.

When it comes to engaging in socially defined ‘romantic’ activities, one can do so and still be aromantic. It really just depends on one’s motivations and intentions. For example, an aromantic person in partnership with an alloromantic person may do those things because it makes their partner happy. Or, they might not view those things as romantic personally - they’re things they’d do with anyone.

Alloromantic people seem to have a more intrinsic desire to do things that are coded as romantic, whereas this may be less obvious or necessary to aromantic people. That’s why I use the phrase “in love” for alloromanticism, because they seem willingly immersed in that romantic ‘culture’ whereas aromantic people feel outside of it or it feels foreign and difficult to define.

Love as a desire to bond with others is something not exclusive to alloromantic people, though. Aromantic people may experience other forms of love that they might define as familial or platonic. It’s also possible to not really be able to distinguish these different forms of love, and people who feel that way may define themselves as greyromantic/greyaromantic or even quoiromantic.

If you don’t feel you understand, conceptually, romance or romantic feelings that could be your first indicator that you are aromantic or aro-spec. I can’t tell you how you should identify, but I hope this helps at least a little bit. It’s also okay to just identify as gay if that is the most meaningful to you. Being gay doesn’t have to look one specific way, where you must experience 100% romantic attraction.

[gaymascdragon]

If anyone could give me a good explanation for the difference between aromantic and alloromantic, that’d be great.

And do not use the word ‘romantic’, it’s meaningless on its own. 

[actuallyaro]

It's hard to explain something without using the word, because the word itself encompasses many things that our society would define as [insert word you don't want me to use] but I will try to respect that request. I think I understand why you ask that.

Additionally, it is very hard for aromantics to describe things they do not feel but they know exists in other people. I will try, though. Just know that the concept of The Word is foreign to most of us.

First and foremost:

I would say that The Word is something that requires actions, words, aesthetics, etc. in combination with intention and feeling towards someone.

By extension, what it looks like can be dependent on what one is socialized to think it looks like and how they associate it with what they feel or don't feel.

For example, a hug or a kiss can be considered as such as long as the intention is put behind it but it does not always have to be. It could just be a way to show appreciation or connection with someone without the intention of 'falling in love' with them.

Sharing a beautiful setting with flowers and candy can be considered as such if you or your society intends it to be. Otherwise, it could be just a nice day out with a trusted person.

What separates aromantics from alloromantics is the feelings and intentions part of it; not so much the actions, words, aesthetics, etc. themselves that our society may associate with it.

Aromantic people (generally) do not experience these feelings and as a result they either do not intend for their feelings to be expressed in that fashion or they don't associate their actions with those kinds of feelings.

For example, I never intend for my actions to signify that kind of attraction to another person. If I go out on a 'date' (scheduled event) with someone, the only intention I have is to spend time with them as a friend. I cannot feel any other connection.

In English, I also think the difference is expressed well when people say "I love you" versus "I am in love with you." Intention in combination with those phrases express different feelings or capacities for feeling.

I never say I'm in love, which I think says a lot about my identity personally - why I'm aromantic, not alloromantic.

[aromantic-aurea]

AUREA - Being Aroflux & Black

Kimberly Butler, an AUREA representative, writes about her experiences being black and aromantic.

Kimberly Butler, an AUREA representative, writes about her experiences being black and aromantic.

[itamiika]

does anybody know how I should react when friends tell me "I wish you wouldn't be aromantic so you could understand how bad this break up feels but I guess it's good that you don't feel that pain"????

Like.. for one... don't wish my identity away??? and two don't patronize me??? I can feel hurt? I don't want this to be a contest of who feels the most pain but... how are you supposed to know what kind of pain I feel???

[actuallyaro]

[If this isn’t okay to reblog, just let me know]

This is a common reaction aromantics receive. The assumptions are:

Aromantics can’t experience or feel emotional pain. Thus, our feelings don’t exist or matter.

Aromantics aren’t “evolved” enough to understand the impact of loss, especially relationship loss. 

Aromantics don’t experience relationship loss.

Aromantics are depriving others of an empathetic response they are “deserved,” by being incapable of relating to their romantic issues.

Aromanticism is a unique privilege that shields us from suffering.

These assumptions undermine our feelings, making it easier for people to manipulate and abuse us, all the while making us responsible for their hurt regardless if we have anything to do with their relationship loss.

When facing these reactions, it helps to identify why the reaction hurts you. It is not your job to educate anyone who hurts you, but doing this can prepare you to defend yourself and your feelings. 

It’s hard to understand injustice if you can’t properly label it. None of these assumptions are fair to you or your well-being. The next step may be to validate your feelings and challenge these assumptions.

Aromantics can experience or feel emotional pain. It’s critical to recognize what that looks like and what our needs may be in that situation.

Aromantics understand loss in a different way that isn’t more or less valid than the kind of loss people who aren’t aromantic feel.

Aromantics can experience relationship loss.

Aromantics are often deprived of empathy towards their own feelings and their own losses by people who aren’t aromantic.

Aromanticism is a unique experience that shapes your perspective on the world, but does not make you immune to being hurt. 

Saying your thoughts out loud is a good way to let your friends know how you feel. Saying “hey, my identity is an important part of me” and “hey, I feel pain too” are good ways of defending yourself. 

It will be their job to repair any damage they have caused to their relationship with you, because that’s what they’ve done - they’ve damaged their relationship with you in the process of mourning another relationship they’re asking you to be empathetic towards.

[eeby-the-mcdeeby]

*raises hand*

What if someone were to genuinely not understand loss/relationship loss?

[actuallyaro]

It’s entirely possible for anyone to not understand loss/relationship loss, especially if they have never experienced it. The idea that aromantic people are uniquely free from experiencing and understanding loss, or that this is “missing” from our collective understanding is the problem. 

Relationship loss can come in many non-romantic forms, especially in the loss of a partner, friend, or family member. Being aromantic does not make us immune to these kinds of losses, or the despair that might come with those losses. It’s not fair for people to assume we never have to deal with that.

It’s possible for people, aromantic or otherwise, to have no experience with it at all. However, that does not make us less mature or less evolved than people who have. It also does not mean that it will never happen to us, or that we do not have to deal with interpersonal issues of any kind that result in loss.

[bananonbinary]

youve heard of Am I Asexual Or Bisexual now get ready for Am I Aromantic or Polyamorous

[actuallyaro]

This isn’t a far off comparison or unheard of “questioning” experience, especially considering that “amatonormativity” which harms aromantic people also harms polyamorous people. (We just love messing with relationship norms).

A lot of romantic experiences are based on “exclusivity,” and thus it’s difficult for a lot of people outside of that to understanding monogamous (heterosexual) pair-bonded romantic relationships.

There’s plenty of overlap between aromantic and polyamorous people when it comes to that, though aromantic people may also desire sexual and/or other forms of non-romantic relationships with multiple partners.

Thus, polyamory - while it seems to center romance from the name - doesn’t necessarily have to be (conceptually) exclusive to people who desire multiple romantic partners or maintaining multiple romantic relationships.

There’s some interesting discussions on that via AUREA here. 

[bananonbinary]

this response is Worrying me like are ppl reblogging this thinking im mocking aspecs? it’s not supposed to be a “far off comparison,” it’s supposed to be a #relateable post to other aspecs because its literally my own questioning experience right now. i cant tell if im polyam or aro, and i thought it was interesting how that mirrors how i struggled to tell if i was ace or bi.

[actuallyaro]

Oh no, I never thought you were mocking aspecs! I don’t think the majority of the people reblogging this think you’re mocking aspecs, either. Most of the tags on the post are pretty positive and relatable. I try not to interact with exclusionists, so I don’t think any of them got a hold of the post. 

By “This isn’t a far off comparison...” I only meant to add that it’s a common questioning experience that aromantic people have written about before! I added more information for other aromantics to see, because I think that the topic is very interesting. Not that you, specifically, need to be educated on the topic.

I apologize if it came off as such.

[bananonbinary]

youve heard of Am I Asexual Or Bisexual now get ready for Am I Aromantic or Polyamorous

[actuallyaro]

This isn’t a far off comparison or unheard of “questioning” experience, especially considering that “amatonormativity” which harms aromantic people also harms polyamorous people. (We just love messing with relationship norms).

A lot of romantic experiences are based on “exclusivity,” and thus it’s difficult for a lot of people outside of that to understanding monogamous (heterosexual) pair-bonded romantic relationships.

There’s plenty of overlap between aromantic and polyamorous people when it comes to that, though aromantic people may also desire sexual and/or other forms of non-romantic relationships with multiple partners.

Thus, polyamory - while it seems to center romance from the name - doesn’t necessarily have to be (conceptually) exclusive to people who desire multiple romantic partners or maintaining multiple romantic relationships.

There’s some interesting discussions on that via AUREA here. 

[itamiika]

does anybody know how I should react when friends tell me "I wish you wouldn't be aromantic so you could understand how bad this break up feels but I guess it's good that you don't feel that pain"????

Like.. for one... don't wish my identity away??? and two don't patronize me??? I can feel hurt? I don't want this to be a contest of who feels the most pain but... how are you supposed to know what kind of pain I feel???

[actuallyaro]

[If this isn’t okay to reblog, just let me know]

This is a common reaction aromantics receive. The assumptions are:

Aromantics can’t experience or feel emotional pain. Thus, our feelings don’t exist or matter.

Aromantics aren’t “evolved” enough to understand the impact of loss, especially relationship loss. 

Aromantics don’t experience relationship loss.

Aromantics are depriving others of an empathetic response they are “deserved,” by being incapable of relating to their romantic issues.

Aromanticism is a unique privilege that shields us from suffering.

These assumptions undermine our feelings, making it easier for people to manipulate and abuse us, all the while making us responsible for their hurt regardless if we have anything to do with their relationship loss.

When facing these reactions, it helps to identify why the reaction hurts you. It is not your job to educate anyone who hurts you, but doing this can prepare you to defend yourself and your feelings. 

It’s hard to understand injustice if you can’t properly label it. None of these assumptions are fair to you or your well-being. The next step may be to validate your feelings and challenge these assumptions.

Aromantics can experience or feel emotional pain. It’s critical to recognize what that looks like and what our needs may be in that situation.

Aromantics understand loss in a different way that isn’t more or less valid than the kind of loss people who aren’t aromantic feel.

Aromantics can experience relationship loss.

Aromantics are often deprived of empathy towards their own feelings and their own losses by people who aren’t aromantic.

Aromanticism is a unique experience that shapes your perspective on the world, but does not make you immune to being hurt. 

Saying your thoughts out loud is a good way to let your friends know how you feel. Saying “hey, my identity is an important part of me” and “hey, I feel pain too” are good ways of defending yourself. 

It will be their job to repair any damage they have caused to their relationship with you, because that’s what they’ve done - they’ve damaged their relationship with you in the process of mourning another relationship they’re asking you to be empathetic towards.

[actuallyaro]

Aromantic people are too interesting to be stereotyped as people with "commitment issues" or people who "just don't want to open up/get close to others." Get to know aromantic people beyond your limited, selfish expectations of us.

[aromantic-official]

June 1-6: Show Your Pride

[Image description: a banner that reads “aromantic-official pride month” in stylized fonts. The background is diagonal stripes in the aro flag colors. End ID.]

How do you show your aro pride?

Do you have a favorite item of pride merch? If not, would you like to?

What makes you proud to be aro?

What are you most excited about for pride month?

Share your pride look! Since most pride events have been cancelled, dress up for pride at home!

Create a new post or respond to this one and tag it “#aro pride month” in the first 5 tags. We encourage creative responses, such as writing, art, music, or crafting, but any way of interpreting or answering the prompt is perfectly fine.

[actuallyaro]

If the only reason you contact your aromantic friend(s) is to ask them for advice on your romantic relationship(s), then you need to change that behavior. 

There is this pervasive idea that good friends should be as invested in the success of your romantic relationships as you are invested in them. I know that I see it all the time in popular media - the “best friend” is the go-to person to hold your hand and tell you how to “make it work” with your “significant other.” Just the term “significant other” alone suggests that your relationship with them should take priority over maintaining ties with people who are “only” friends.

But. Relationships take work. Period. That includes your relationship with your friends. Asking a friend to carry the emotional weight of your relationship over and over isn’t fair to them. It’s especially not fair to your aromantic friends who already get sidelined by your romantic partner(s), and whose emotional capacity to empathize with your romantic feelings isn’t very much. I will give advice to you, because I care about you. Just know, it’s torture for me.

I don’t relate to your romantic feelings. Ever. I don’t feel that. I don’t understand why you act the way you do half the time. I don’t understand your partner’s romantic behaviors either. I can identify dysfunctional relationships. I can give advice on what to do based on the principle of treating others the way you want to be treated. I know enough about fictional romantic relationships that can model what to do/what not to do. But, I do not relate to you.

It is mentally exhausting. I have had multiple friends throughout my life who I have not talked to for months to years suddenly contact me to talk them through a recent break up or a concern over their partner’s behavior or the prospect of getting married or a new date. Now, I’m not the best at maintaining relationships. However, my friends have really treated me like I’m insignificant to their romantic relationships over and over. 

I’ve had friends cancel plans with me to spend more time with their romantic partners. I’ve had friends surprise me by bringing their romantic partner to hang outs, wherein the majority of their attention and time is spent with them over me. I’ve had friends trick me into hanging out so that they could get transportation for their date(s) with their romantic partner. I’ve had the romantic partner(s) of friends come to me for advice as well. 

They’re your significant others. Spend all the time in the world with them because clearly they’re very important to you! Don’t expect me to exhaust myself for you, forcing myself to untangle your problems despite having no easy way to connect with and understand your feelings, only for you to go back and ignore me again until you “need me.” I’m not your therapist. Aromantic people aren’t your therapists, just because we see things from a different perspective.

This might come off as aggressive, but give a shit about your aromantic friends. When you use us to solve your problems, you are being selfish. We have a multitude of our own problems and emotional needs. The more I am asked to support you with nothing in return, the more isolated I feel from my own support network. It convinces me more that I am easy to abandon and that I am only worth keeping around as needed.

I don’t like to guilt trip people into reblogging, but I am begging people who aren’t aromantic to at least absorb the message here. 

[actuallyaro]

Aromantic people are not projects for people to fix. We don’t exist to fall in love with you if you just try hard enough. That’s not how this works. 

[autcore]

I’ll proper die on the hill of defending survivors’ right to identify as aro, be it temporarily or forever. Not everyone’s recovery includes reincorporating the cause of their trauma into their life and that’s okay.  Romance is not a prerequisite for happiness or recovery. People can and do lead happy lives without romantic partners. Part of recovery is looking at your life and asking yourself what you want to keep the same and what you want to change in order to create an environment you can thrive in. If someone chooses to throw romance out the window as part of their recovery and the aromantic label/community can support them through that, then that’s great! I cannot stress this enough: recovery is not about trying to return to the past before whatever happened, it is about making a new and better life for yourself in the present/future. Peoples’ lives after recovery do not have to look the same as they did before their trauma.

[actuallyaro]

While well-meaning, affirmations for aromantic people that focus on our ability to love or be loved aren’t always helpful. When I receive an affirmation that I’m still lovable *despite* (stated or implied) my aromanticism, it doesn’t make me feel more accepted and respected. Affirmations for aromantics should:

actually affirm the validity of aromanticism

emphasize importance of acceptance & respect

acknowledge no one’s value should be measured on “lovability”

include effective ways to support aromantics

I don’t care whether or not I’m easy to “love.” I do care that people do not mistreat me regardless of how easy I am to “love.”

[cate-r]

any fellow aros feel like their cynicism/pessimism is intrinsically tied to their aroness because your existence is constantly being rendered second rate by amatonormativity

[actuallyaro]

Personally, I find that amatonormativity puts the label of “cynicism” on aromantic experiences. Perhaps this is why I actually don’t love that song “I Won’t say I’m in Love” in Hercules. But, there’s a tendency to view aromantic people and our way of not experiencing romance as a refusal to embrace the positivity of “love.” We are the anti-love pessimists who just need to be proven wrong! That’s, at least, one way I believe amatonormativity shapes how other people view us.

However, I think you bring up a good point about how aromantics view themselves and the world around them. There may be pervasive feelings of cynicism or pessimism that some aromantics do feel because of how they are positioned in society by amatonormativity. I do find it hard sometimes to feel positive about everything from social interaction to the idea of partnership due to the way amatonormativity belittles aromantic people and our experiences.

[queerplatonicpositivity]

[ ID: Five images.

1. A background of hand-drawn stars in the aro flag colors. Text in the middle reads: “ ‘I will not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody’s else’s whim or to someone else’s ignorance.’ - bell hooks”

2. The aro flag with black text in the middle that reads: “I won’t apologize for who I am”

3. The aro flag with two small arrows, one pointing left and one pointing right. Text reads: “Aro people are valid. Always”

4. The demiaro flag with black text in the middle that reads: “I won’t apologize for who I am”

5. A background of light- and dark-green elbow macaroni shapes. Text in the middle reads: “ ‘If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.’ - Audre Lorde” ]

February 16th: Visibility - Share a photo or drawing of yourself with arrows, roadsigns, or pointers, whether ones you made yourself or that you find. (link)

A few Aro-themed graphics I’ve made over the months!

[saltycharacters]

Happy Valentines day everyone! I decided to make a comic about something I’ve wanted to talk about for a long time, which was my relationship with romance while being on the Aromantic spectrum. Sorry for the length, enjoy!

[astralaspecs]

#Get Aromantic Trending - Feb. 16-17, 2020

#Aromantic

Many of you may remember that in 2019 the hashtag #asexual was trending on Tumblr. So far in April and September I have tried to get “Aromantic” trending. Unfortunately, these two efforts did not work. People didn’t have a chance to prepare or know about it. I’d really like to get #aromantic trending so here’s round 3!

There were also people concerned that there isn’t a lot of notice, but to a certain extent that’s the intent. Think of this kinda like a flash-mob. This should be aided by the fact that it’s also aromantic awareness week!

Who: Everyone! It doesn’t matter if you are aromantic, a positivity blog, LGBTQ+, or anything. All are welcome to participate!

What: This is an effort to get #aromantic trending. You can contribute by creating posts and using #aromantic as well as reblogging other posts, especially from aro people!

These post can be a wide range of things, they can be positivity, art, pride edits, informative, memes, or other various things. As long as they are relevant to aromanticism and have the #aromantic, you’re good!

*Please be sure all posts are relevant to aromanticism or the aro spectrum.

Where: Tumblr, but I’m sure posting stuff on other sites wouldn’t hurt.

When: February 16-17th, 2020 (You can start scheduling posts now though!)

Why: There’s a lot of reasons why, but one of the biggest is that quite honestly, we leave out aromantic people. They are spoken over, they do not receive the same recognition that asexual people do, I’ve seen both through my experiences and surveys that they are less likely to be included in the community. They have different stigmas attached to them.

There’s also an issue of people posting things that are said to be “aspec” but only apply to aces or things tagged as #aromantic that only apply to ace people. We need to start giving recognition to aromantic people.

In addition to this visibility is extremely important. You might assume that this hashtag trending is a worthless endeavor. But in many ways it’s not - it opens the door to learn about a term and learn about themselves. Just the other day I mentioned aromantic to someone, and after explaining it to them, they said “hey, that sounds like me.” It starts a conversation that could be eye-opening for many people.

*This is by no means all that should be done for the aro community, but positivity never hurts.

So please, join me in posting on Feb. 16-17th, and please reblog!