Summary: It's not so much like cracking an egg as it is like cracking a huge steel-reinforced boulder.
Words: 4000
Warnings: feewings
Characters: Kylo Ren x Reader
A/N: Firstly: Thank you to @bastillia, my second set of Kylo eyes, for advising and betaing this chapter.
Hey, so... remember that time I was writing this? Okay, well, look forward to another chapter next year. LMAO
I kid, I kid. I mean, no guarantees, but I felt the desire to write, so I thought I'd hop on it. I'm just doing whatever I want with this, so I hope you enjoy it.
The past year and a half has been crazy for me, y'all! I got a new job, left the job, got another new job, began the long road of recovery from a 15-year abusive relationship, started dating an extremely cool and beautiful woman... So, it's going pretty well, I'd say!
I hope all of you are doing well, too. Please know, again, I've appreciated every single kind thought, comment, encouragement, anything. It's really because of y'all I could feel in any way safe to return to writing in any regard.
Thank you so very very much. Love y'all. <3
Beyond the transparisteel viewport, space was an opaque, ebony fog, floating in infinite swirls too complex to comprehend. Such comprehension was suitable for say, Orinda—the now barren outpost abandoned to the stars, a mere wink of dust. You sighed, nestling your face into the pillow, gazing into the galaxy. Maybe the Force affected you too, maybe it had wrangled you back to the Steadfast with new and eager purpose.
After all, the last time you’d woken up, you hadn’t predicted that you’d next fall asleep in Kylo Ren’s bed.
But if you had predicted it, you would’ve at least planned for him to be in it.
After thoroughly railing your brains onto the floor and all over his throne, he’d given you the location to his quarters and sent you on your way with a parting kiss. You’d clung to that kiss like an oxygen tank in space—allowed it to walk you to his quarters and tuck you into bed. And maybe you’d expected to feel him slipping in behind you mid-sleep, and maybe you’d dreamed of awakening in his arms.
Grumbling, you rolled out of bed, tossing the sheets off of your body. It made sense; Kylo had been insanely busy as Commander. You’d rarely known him to get more than a few solid hours of sleep at once. As Supreme Leader, you wondered if he slept at all. Another sigh tried to worm its way free, and you shrugged it away, throwing on the only uniform you had on board (yet another complication of your home blowing up—for the second time).
Worrying about your—your, uh… what was he? Lover? Partner? Boyfriend?
You blushed at the thought of calling Kylo Ren your boyfriend. You shook your head.
Worrying about your fucklord would come later. You had a General to report to.
You navigated through the Supreme Leader’s large, insanely white quarters and into the halls of the Steadfast. This time, you hadn’t spent any energy exploring or digging into his privacy. Of course, you respected him and whatever, but you’d also just been too fucking tired. Brains railed out, and all that.
This fact continued to ail you the entire journey toward the command center. It’d been four months without anything larger than your fingers inside your cunt, and your body seemed excited to remind you with each step. Luckily, by the time you made it to the center, your limp had subsided.
As you entered, you spied Hux hovering over one of the computer terminals, badgering an officer about whatever was on the screen. Steeling yourself, you marched up to him, chest out, chin tilted toward the ceiling. When he apparently neglected to heed his peripheral vision, you cleared your throat.
“General, sir.”
“Report, Lieutenant,” he replied, not bothering to look at you.
If nothing else, he was predictable.
“Regarding our discussion yesterday,” you said. “The TIE project.” He continued to study the screen, so you continued to speak. “The Supreme Leader approved it.”
Like you’d activated his Smarm Protocol, Hux rose and faced you, a smirk smearing his face. “Did he,” he said, eyeing your hickeys. “A surprising turn of events.” Before he could provide you with an opportunity to smarm back, he pulled out his data pad, entering something. “I’m approving your access to the expense reports and the most recent performance analyses of the primary TIE fleet.”
“Right,” you said, as if you woke up every morning reading expense reports.
“The First Order needs to lift the basic TIE unit out of obsolescence. Your job is to identify the inadequacies of the main fleet and provide a solution while staying within budget parameters,” he said. “I don’t particularly care how you do it, as long as it’s done. Quickly.”
“Yes, sir.” You had no idea how you’d do that, but you’d worry about that later. “So, would you want me to prepare a written report, or like…”
Hux’s lip curled. “Certainly a former Chief Operations Officer wouldn’t be asking me how to perform her job.”
“All right then, sir, have a great day.” You forced a smile and flicked a salute in his direction before spinning on your heel and striding out of the center.
A new sigh escaped you as you entered the hall, this time in relief. The excitement of a challenge and distraction from grief bubbled in your chest; plus, you welcomed a break from the silencer and all of its drama. You’d never been tasked with a project this broad, but you figured your next logical step would be to head to the primary fleet bay—typically the largest bay on any Star Destroyer—and survey the engineers there. They’d have far better insight than you could gather by reading.
You entered the hangar, scanning the officers for someone who looked to have empty hands and a patient ear. Most appeared occupied, faces glued to their terminals, or otherwise consumed by a half-functioning ship. You frowned. It wasn’t your dream to interrupt a total stranger and quiz them about issues above their pay grade. If the Supreme Council had been any indication, the higher-ups weren’t inclined toward feedback.
Taking a stroll around the perimeter, you’d resigned yourself to picking on one of the least-solemn-looking engineers, since everyone seemed too busy to look you in the eye. As you approached, you peered beyond them to the next terminal. Crowded around the screen were two familiar bodies, each capped with a blonde head of hair.
It had only been four months. But the past couple of days had reduced your resolve to its roots.
“Holy shit.” You moved toward them, faster with each step. “Holy shit!” Heart soaring, you eschewed workplace etiquette. “Holy shit!” you cried. “Sam! Minks!”
They both turned, opening toward you, faces screwed with confusion until their eyes and ears met their memories, and they realized simultaneously that they hadn’t hallucinated. Minks’ face lit up like a nova, and she squealed, leaping toward you and tackling you in a hug. You laughed, wrapping her in your arms, joy glowing in your chest. Then two arms encircled the both of you, and you smiled, looping Sam into the group.
You stuffed the urge to cry. But your eyes were wet anyway.
It was a few moments in the group embrace before the three of you parted, the rest of the bay shooting irritated glances in your direction. Ignoring them, you exhaled with a grin, hands on your hips, giving them each the once-over. Astoundingly, they had changed very little in the four months you’d been apart.
“So?” Minks’ excitement vibrated in the air. “What are you doing here?”
“Yeah, we thought you were being a big shot somewhere!”
Your neck warmed. “Well, uh.” Maybe you wouldn’t start off your reunion by announcing the decimation of your most recent station and crew. “Hux assigned me to work on this big project to find a way to upgrade-slash-improve the basic TIE units.”
Sam snorted. “The Foes?” he asked, looking at Minks. “He’d be better off just upgrading the entire fleet to the Special Forces.”
“Stars, I know, right?” Minks leaned into Sam with a knowing chuckle. “That model is totally helpless.”
The flicker of affection between them did not go unnoticed. “I don’t disagree,” you said. “But I think they’re looking for a cheaper solution than that.”
“Ah, okay.” Sam shrugged. “Well, I know they were hoping to get rid of the Special Forces model and replace the entire line with silencers.” He rolled his eyes. “That’s going super well.”
You blanched. “What do you mean?”
“Oh, it’s just that almost every single lead engineer on this ship has been asked to figure out the pilot model’s issue. There’s no way they’re going to make more of them until it’s fixed.”
Minks nudged you playfully. “I’m surprised that they haven’t roped you into looking at it!”
“Well…” Warmth crept from your neck to your cheeks. “Actually, that’s why I was brought here in the first place. To look at the silencer.”
“Oh.” Minks’ smile faltered. “Really.”
“Yeah.”
She grimaced. “Ooh…”
Her hesitation made sense. The very last she or Sam knew, you’d been split from the Supreme Asshole since before you’d departed the Finalizer. His plea and your consummation was something you’d kept secret since you’d left. You’d been too afraid to put it to words, as if they would spite you by speaking them aloud.
“... I mean, how is that, is that awkward, or like, y’know—”
“Minks,” Sam chided.
“What?” She frowned, bumping him with her hip. “Friends can ask friends these questions!”
“It’s fine.” Watching them in such easy familiarity revived a whisper of that fear. “We. Uh. We got back together? Before I left?”
Both of them stalled, gaping at you like you’d just spun your head in a circle.
“Really,” she said, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial volume. “And you didn’t tell me!”
You offered a wide, embarrassed smile. “I just wasn’t sure how to put it. And then I didn’t hear from you guys for a while, and I got busy, and then I got here, and, y’know…” You rubbed your neck.
Their eyes dropped, noticing the bruises that adorned your throat, and they eased closer together.
“Gotcha.” Minks nodded, her cheeks pink. “Was it weird? Having the Supreme Leader visit you?”
Swallowing, you avoided her gaze. “Uh…” A rock was growing inside your chest. “He didn’t, really.”
She grimaced again. “Oh.”
“Yeah…” He also hadn’t told you he was Supreme Leader. He hadn’t yet explained to you anything that was going on. He hadn’t truly resolved anything with you, it turns out, other than your mutual desire to turn your pussy into a crime scene. “But it’s, uh, it’s fine now.” You cleared your throat, convinced that your words were spiting you already. “You know what was awkward? All those weird scary guys he has following him around. And their weird ugly ship.”
Sam raised an eyebrow. “You mean the Knights of Ren?”
You balked. “The what of what?”
“You know. They’re like his enforcers.”
“Haha, get it?” Minks giggled. “En-Force-ers?”
Sam chuckled, shaking his head.
“Very funny,” you replied, grinning. “But, uh, no. I didn’t know who they were.” Another thing Kylo had failed to tell you.
“Oh, well, they’ve got some sort of Force-thing going on,” Sam said. “But that’s pretty much all anyone knows. They’re not particularly nice guys. We all steer clear of them if we see them.”
The memory of their quarters aboard the Buzzard—the gouged notches in the wall from the bedframe—made you believe that was wise.
“Right.” The rock in your chest was rolling down a hill, collecting anxious moss. You didn’t want any more opportunities to realize how disconnected you were from your fucklord. “Well, it was really great to see you guys, but I need to get started on this project, so…”
“Aww!” Minks frowned, eyes glittering with disappointment. “How long are you staying? Can we get a meal together? Or something?”
“Yeah,” Sam said. “We’ve missed you.”
The gesture soothed your heart. At least your friends wanted you around. And you hadn’t even had to fuck either of them to convince them. You glimpsed Sam for a split second. Recently, anyway.
“Yeah, of course,” you replied. “I’ll be back. I don’t think I’ll be leaving for a bit.” For multiple reasons. “I’ll catch up with you guys soon, okay?”
The three of you clung together in another hug before you released them, bidding them goodbye. Datapad in hand, you made your way to one of the administrative spaces underneath the observation suite and grabbed an open computer terminal. You’d start by reviewing the performance analyses and identify the areas for improvement. And you would absolutely not think about Kylo Ren or how he’d spent the past four months completely omitting you from his life for at least a few hours.
Luckily, your strategy paid off. Dedicating your focus to researching the TIE/fo designs and all of their faults pried away the teeth gnawing at your heart. Working on a project on this scale was like handing your brain a huge ship to fix. It reveled in the opportunity to dissect and solve a problem this complex.
According to your friends, the entire fleet was worthless, and they might have been right. The patterns of failure were consistent—the maneuverability in comparison to Resistance starfighters was embarrassing. At least the TIE/sf models could utilize hyperdrive in a sticky situation. TIE/fo pilots were, frankly, fucked. It made Pryde’s obstinate commitment to maintaining the design seem even more irresponsible than you’d originally gauged.
You remained in the admin room, gathering information and documenting your conclusions past shift-change, only giving yourself a break to gobble a couple of meal bars from the mess hall. For whatever reason, your appetite had crashed since you’d awoken in Kylo’s bed without him. It wasn’t until you felt static fizzing in your skull that you decided to give it a rest.
The thought of returning to his empty quarters didn’t necessarily appeal to you, though the temptation of a shower and a mattress spurred you forward. But between the time you departed the bay and the time you stepped into the refresher, your anxiety had needled itself alive.
Tendrils of it throbbed below your sternum, crawled up your throat, burrowed into your stomach—it was difficult to think, to move, to breathe. In the warm air of the shower, your lungs starved, sucking in breath after breath, attempting to buck the boulder resting on your ribs.
Kylo asked you to stay, you reasoned with yourself. And you knew him to be fiercely protective of his privacy and independence. Still, you felt accepted at arm’s length. He’d avoided your questions. He’d avoided you.
To yearn for his touch, his mouth, his voice—you could bear that. But you withered without his affection, wilted in waiting for the promise of his love.
Shower completed, you turned off the water and wrapped yourself in a spare towel, futilely examining the refresher’s interior. Even if you’d wanted to scrape hints of him from your surroundings, you would’ve come up short. Kylo existed within his quarters as impersonally as a corpse.
Once you’d dried off, you kept yourself covered and waddled out of the refresher, only to stall the second the door shut behind you. Kylo stood at the entrance of his quarters, just arrived. His eyes clung to you like refresher water, sliding down your exposed shoulders and calves.
You folded your arms over your chest, feet curling in on each other. “Uh. Hey…”
Kylo continued to examine you, tempted by the gap in time he’d been able to catch you so exposed. This typically would have resulted in you dropping your towel and asking him what he found so interesting. At this moment though, you worried he wouldn’t find anything interesting at all.
“Sorry,” you said, “I was just going to go to sleep. Are you?” When he didn’t move, you added, “Going to sleep?”
He failed to respond, as if seeing you here had reminded him you’d existed at all. It was one thing to sleep over in his bed after fighting and fucking and making up. It was an entirely new other for you to share his space, insert yourself into his life. The reality of your permanency soaked the both of you like a storm. By inviting you here, he had revoked his right to hide.
Mired in insecurity, the air staled. You thought of Sam and Minks, their easy intimacy at the bay. There was nothing easy about Kylo Ren.
But maybe you were a masochist.
That was exactly what you wanted.
“Well.” You shrugged, blowing out air in a lip-trill. “I’m going to go lie down.”
You made your way to his bed, the weight of his stare like an anchor on your back. He followed, trailing behind you as you slunk naked into bed, flipping around to watch him from under the blankets. By the time he caught up with you, he’d removed his cape—the barest concession that he was considering your invitation.
Gazing at him, your chest ached. You didn’t know how you defined him. You wondered how he defined you.
Kylo broke away, glancing at the floor as he removed his padded outer-armor. Once he’d placed it to the side, he paused, attention running across your figure in his bed. A slight exhale escaped his nose, and he sat at the edge of the bed, peering at you from over his shoulder, his eyes a mirror of the stars—just as complex, just as infinite. But for once, he was not beyond your comprehension. For once, you read his mind as easily as a page.
Keeping his focus, you shifted, reached forward to lift his arm from his side. He watched you, darting between your face and your hands, like a trembling beast in a steel-jaw trap. You drew in a breath and pinched the end of his glove, holding the air as you peeled the leather to the floor. When he didn’t move, you switched to the next arm. The beast remained still, his jaw tense and pupils wide, waiting to see if you would pry the trap open and free his bleeding limb. Holding another breath, you held his wrist and pulled the second glove off, too.
Your mouth was dry. You folded both of your hands over his one. “Lie down,” you said. “Come to bed.”
Kylo endured your stare for only a second, choosing to study the floor instead.
The anxiety that had festered since you’d awoken swelled, cracked your ribs. The reality of your situation consumed you. Maybe the emotional distance between you now was too great—too great by his intent. Maybe he’d never need the closeness you needed from him. Maybe this was it, maybe you’d both admit it simply wouldn’t work and your four months of yearning had been for nothing. Maybe the fact of the matter was Kylo Ren was a galactic superpower, and you’d been doomed from the moment you’d met him.
Tears, unsurprisingly, stung you. You sniffled, shuddering, clutching his hand like it was the last time you’d hold it.
Kylo stiffened. His gaze drifted to yours. He was the beast again, wounds weeping on display.
“I’m sorry,” you began, and then cleared your throat. “I mean, I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for crying. I’m just scared.” You bit your lip. “I know you asked me to stay. I know you told me how you felt. But you also told me how I won’t be close to you again anytime soon, or maybe ever, and you push me away, and you don’t tell me anything about you or anything about what’s going on, and I don’t know what our relationship is, and I’m here all by myself and I’m happy to sleep in your bed but I really just, I don’t know, I want to know what’s going on.” The tears you weren’t sorry for dripped onto his sheets. “Tell me why you’ve been avoiding me. Please.”
You gripped his fingers, but he pulled away. That same hand cupped your face, strong thumb swiping the wetness from your cheeks. Kylo swallowed, glimpsing his feet again before releasing you and starting to take off his boots.
“You needed to be safe.” Once his boots were discarded, he stood, working on his ribbed under-armor. “Orinda was far away from danger.” Rippling muscle revealed itself as he tossed it to the side. “Now Orinda is destroyed.” His voice tightened. “You could’ve…” With an exhale, he turned away, pushing his pants down his thick, tense thighs, until he was just in his underclothes, and he sat again. “I need you safe.” His eyes wandered. “If you’re near me…”
How could anywhere be safer than here with him? Whatever the answer, it was stuck, like the words had lodged in his throat. Hoping to jostle them free, you grabbed his arm, pulling it toward you.
“Please tell me,” you murmured. “Please.”
Kylo looked to you, to the floor, to the space beyond the viewport. A long breath entered his lungs, and he released it.
“You remember the scavenger.”
Your heart skipped. “Yeah…”
“The Force connects us,” he said. “Allows us to speak to each other as if we’re together in the room.” His brow furrowed. “You have no protection against her. If she somehow saw you...” The words stuck again, but he forced them out. “You’re vulnerable.”
“Wait, you serious?” You wanted to be grateful for this admission. But all you could think about was how another woman knew more about him than you did. “You’re connected with her? Through the Force?”
Kylo grumbled, his eye twitching. “She is nothing to me.”
You shrugged. “I kind of feel that way, too.”
“You’re wrong.”
“But…”
His nostrils flared. His shoulders bunched, ready to launch him from the bed.
Honestly, you didn’t know anything about the Force, or how it worked, or what it meant to be connected to someone through it. What you wanted was to feel important—and by offering this, you knew he was giving you that, knew how hard it had been for him to expose this wire of his system. There were more still to be seen. And that was okay, as long as this distance would disappear.
You sniffled again, hiding your face as a sob broke through. “It’s just hard,” you said. “It’s hard, because if you’ve got this Force-stuff going on with her, then I…” Sighing, you wiped them free. “What am I?”
For a moment, he stared, as if the answer was on his tongue. Then he shifted, lifting the blankets from the bed and slipping underneath them with you. You stiffened, easing away but Kylo’s warmth enveloped you, and then his arms did too.
Heat exploded, skin sizzling skin. You shivered, catching a cry in your throat, coiling yourself around him and burying into his embrace. He swallowed you with the ease of the universe, legs locking with yours, pressing you into his chest like there was nowhere he’d rather you be. Another cry fled you, and you sought to meet every inch of him with one of you, wanting to meld to him, wanting to melt the barrier of your bodies, to meet him millimeters beyond the limits of what flesh allowed.
Though you wept until his breast was wet, if it bothered him, you couldn’t tell. Kylo’s hand cradled your head, his fingers soothing your scalp. As you calmed, his lips found your crown, and then your forehead—and then he guided you back so they could find your own.
You sighed into the kiss, snuggling closer, your mouths moving lazily, tasting the soft security that lingered there.
After a moment, he pulled away, and his forehead rested against yours. “Mine,” he said, finally answering you. “You’re mine.”
Whatever was left of your anxiety evaporated, and you relaxed, nodding. No, you didn’t know everything. But this was promise enough to banish your fear.
“Okay,” you replied, inching closer. A smile snuck onto your face. “I love you, too. Jerk.”
buttonquail, Barred cuckoo-dove, Barred cuckooshrike, Barred dove, Barred eagle-owl, Barred forest falcon, Barred fruiteater, Barred hawk, Barred honey buzzard, Barred honeyeater, Barred laughingthrush, Barred long-tailed cuckoo, Barred owl, Barred owlet-nightjar, Barred parakeet, Barred puffbird, Barred rail, Barred tinamou, Barred warbler, Barred wren-warbler, Barrow's goldeneye, Bar-shouldered dove, Bar-tailed cuckoo-dove, Bar-tailed godwit, Bar-tailed lark, Bar-tailed treecreeper, Bar-tailed trogon, Bar-throated apalis, Bar-throated minla, Bartlett's tinamou, Barusan cuckoo-dove, Bar-winged flycatcher-shrike, Bar-winged oriole, Bar-winged prinia, Bar-winged rail, Bar-winged weaver, Bar-winged wood wren, Bar-winged wren-babbler, Basra reed warbler, Bassian thrush, Bat falcon, Bat hawk, Bateleur, Bates's nightjar, Bates's paradise flycatcher, Bates's sunbird, Bates's swift, Bates's weaver, Baudin's black cockatoo, Baudo guan, Baudó oropendola, Baumann's olive greenbul, Bay antpitta, Bay coucal, Bay hornero, Bay woodpecker, Bay wren, Baya weaver, Bay-backed shrike, Bay-breasted cuckoo, Bay-breasted warbler, Bay-capped wren-spinetail, Bay-chested warbling finch, Bay-crowned brushfinch, Bay-headed tanager, Bay-ringed tyrannulet, Bay-vented cotinga, Beach kingfisher, Beach stone-curlew, Bearded barbet, Bearded bellbird, Bearded guan, Bearded mountaineer, Bearded reedling, Bearded screech owl, Bearded scrub robin, Bearded tachuri, Bearded vulture, Bearded wood partridge, Bearded woodpecker, Beaudouin's snake eagle, Beautiful firetail, Beautiful fruit dove, Beautiful jay, Beautiful nuthatch, Beautiful sheartail, Beautiful sibia, Beautiful sunbird, Beautiful treerunner, Beautiful woodpecker, Beck's petrel, Bedford's paradise flycatcher, Bee hummingbird, Beesley's lark, Beijing babbler, Belcher's gull, Belding's yellowthroat, Belford's melidectes, Bell miner, Bell's sparrow, Bell's vireo, Belted flycatcher, Belted kingfisher, Bendire's thrasher, Bengal bush lark, Bengal florican, Benguela long-billed lark, Benguet bush warbler, Bennett's woodpecker, Berlepsch's canastero, Berlepsch's tinamou, †Bermuda flicker, †Bermuda hawk, Bermuda night heron, Bermuda petrel, Bermuda saw-whet owl, †Bermuda towhee, Bernier's teal, Bernier's vanga, Berthelot's pipit, Bertoni's antbird, Bertram's weaver, Berylline hummingbird, Beryl-spangled tanager, Besra, Bewick's wren, Bhutan laughingthrush, Biak black flycatcher, Biak coucal, Biak gerygone, Biak leaf warbler, Biak lorikeet, Biak monarch, Biak paradise kingfisher, Biak scops owl, Biak scrubfowl, Biak whistler, Biak white-eye, Bianchi's warbler, Bicknell's thrush, Bicol ground warbler, Bicolored antbird, Bicolored antpitta, Bicolored antvireo, Bicolored conebill, Bicolored flowerpecker, Bicolored hawk, Bicolored scrubwren, Bicolored wren, Biddulph's ground jay, Bimaculated lark, Biscutate swift, †Bishop's oo, Bismarck black myzomela, Bismarck crow, Bismarck fantail, Bismarck hanging parrot, Bismarck kingfisher, Bismarck pitta, Bismarck whistler, Bismarck white-eye, Black antbird, Black antshrike, Black baza, Black bee-eater, Black berrypecker, Black bishop, Black bittern, Black boubou, Black bulbul, Black bushbird, Black butcherbird, Black caracara, Black catbird, Black cicadabird, Black coucal, Black crake, Black crowned crane, Black cuckoo, Black cuckoo-dove, Black cuckooshrike, Black curassow, Black currawong, Black drongo, Black dwarf hornbill, Black eagle, Black falcon, Black fantail, Black flowerpiercer, Black francolin, Black grasswren, Black grouse, Black guan, Black guillemot, Black guineafowl, Black harrier, Black hawk-eagle, Black heron, Black honey buzzard, Black honeyeater, Black hornbill, Black imperial pigeon, Black inca, Black jacobin, Black kite, Black lark, Black laughingthrush, Black lory, Black magpie, †Black mamo, Black manakin, Black mannikin, Black metaltail, Black monarch, Black noddy, Black nunbird, Black oriole, Black oropendola, Black oystercatcher, Black partridge, Black petrel, Black phoebe, Black pitohui, Black rail, Black redstart, Black robin, Black rosy
finch, Collared whitestart, Colombian chachalaca, Colombian crake, Colombian grebe, Colombian mountain grackle, Colorful puffleg, Comb duck, Comb-crested jacana, Common babbler, Common black hawk, Common blackbird, Common bronzewing, Common bulbul, Common bush tanager, Common buttonquail, Common buzzard, Common cactus finch, Common chaffinch, Common chiffchaff, Common cicadabird, Common crane, Common cuckoo, Common diuca finch, Common diving petrel, Common eider, Common emerald dove, Common firecrest, Common flameback, Common gallinule, Common goldeneye, Common grackle, Common grasshopper warbler, Common green magpie, Common greenshank, Common ground dove, Common gull, Common hawk-cuckoo, Common hill myna, Common house martin, Common iora, Common jery, Common kestrel, Common kingfisher, Common linnet, Common loon, Common merganser, Common miner, Common moorhen, Common murre, Common myna, Common newtonia, Common nighthawk, Common nightingale, Common ostrich, Common paradise kingfisher, Common pheasant, Common pochard, Common poorwill, Common potoo, Common quail, Common raven, Common redpoll, Common redshank, Common redstart, Common reed bunting, Common ringed plover, Common rock thrush, Common rosefinch, Common sandpiper, Common scale-backed antbird, Common scimitarbill, Common scoter, Common shelduck, Common smoky honeyeater, Common snipe, Common square-tailed drongo, Common starling, Common sunbird-asity, Common swift, Common tailorbird, Common tern, Common tody-flycatcher, Common waxbill, Common whitethroat, Common wood pigeon, Common woodshrike, Common yellowthroat, Comoros blue pigeon, Comoros cuckooshrike, Comoros fody, Comoros green pigeon, Comoros olive pigeon, Comoros thrush, Compact weaver, Cone-billed tanager, Congo bay owl, Congo martin, Congo moor chat, Congo peafowl, Congo serpent eagle, Congo sunbird, Connecticut warbler, Cook reed warbler, Cook's petrel, Cook's swift, Cooper's hawk, Coopmans's elaenia, Coopmans's tyrannulet, Copper pheasant, Copper seedeater, Copper sunbird, Copperback quail-thrush, Copper-rumped hummingbird, Coppersmith barbet, Copper-tailed starling, Copper-throated sunbird, Coppery emerald, Coppery metaltail, Coppery-bellied puffleg, Coppery-chested jacamar, Coppery-headed emerald, Coppery-tailed coucal, Coquerel's coua, Coqui francolin, Coral-billed ground cuckoo, Coral-billed scimitar babbler, Coraya wren, Cordillera Azul antbird, Cordillera ground warbler, Cordilleran canastero, Cordilleran flycatcher, Cordilleran parakeet, Córdoba cinclodes, Corn bunting, Corn crake, Coroneted fruit dove, Correndera pipit, Corsican finch, Corsican nuthatch, Cory's shearwater, Coscoroba swan, Costa Rican brushfinch, Costa Rican pygmy owl, Costa Rican swift, Costa's hummingbird, Cotton pygmy goose, Couch's kingbird, Cozumel emerald, Cozumel thrasher, Cozumel vireo, Crab-plover, Crag chilia, Crane hawk, Craveri's murrelet, Cream-backed woodpecker, Cream-breasted fruit dove, Cream-browed white-eye, Cream-colored courser, Cream-colored woodpecker, Cream-eyed bulbul, Cream-striped bulbul, Cream-throated white-eye, Cream-vented bulbul, Cream-winged cinclodes, Creamy-bellied antwren, Creamy-bellied gnatcatcher, Creamy-bellied thrush, Creamy-crested spinetail, Creamy-rumped miner, Crescent honeyeater, Crescent-chested babbler, Crescent-chested puffbird, Crescent-chested warbler, Crescent-faced antpitta, Crested ant tanager, Crested auklet, Crested barbet, Crested becard, Crested bellbird, Crested berrypecker, Crested black tyrant, Crested bobwhite, Crested bunting, Crested caracara, Crested coua, Crested cuckoo-dove, Crested doradito, Crested drongo, Crested duck, Crested eagle, Crested finchbill, Crested fireback, Crested francolin, Crested gallito, Crested goshawk, Crested guan, Crested guineafowl, Crested honey buzzard, Crested hornero, Crested ibis, Crested jay, Crested kingfisher, Crested lark, Crested malimbe, Crested myna, Crested oropendola, Crested owl, Crested partridge, Crested pigeon, Crested quail-dove, Crested quetzal, Crested satinbird, Crested serpent eagle, Crested shelduck, Crested
Grauer's warbler, Grayish baywing, Gray-barred wren, Gray catbird, Gray hawk, Gray kingbird, Gray thrasher, Gray vireo, Gray-crowned rosy finch, Gray-headed kite, Gray-lined hawk, Gray's grasshopper warbler, Gray's lark, Gray-throated warbling finch, Great antpitta, Great antshrike, Great argus, Great auk, Great barbet, Great black hawk, Great black-backed gull, Great blue heron, Great blue turaco, Great bowerbird, Great bustard, Great cormorant, Great crested flycatcher, Great crested grebe, Great cuckoo-dove, Great curassow, Great dusky swift, Great eared nightjar, Great egret, Great elaenia, Great frigatebird, Great grebe, Great green macaw, Great grey owl, Great grey shrike, Great hanging parrot, Great hornbill, Great horned owl, Great Inca finch, Great Indian bustard, Great iora, Great jacamar, Great kiskadee, Great knot, Great lizard cuckoo, Great myna, Great Nicobar serpent eagle, Great parrotbill, Great potoo, Great reed warbler, Great rosefinch, Great rufous woodcreeper, Great sapphirewing, Great shearwater, Great shortwing, Great shrike-tyrant, Great skua, Great slaty woodpecker, Great snipe, Great sparrow, Great spinetail, Great spotted cuckoo, Great spotted kiwi, Great spotted woodpecker, Great stone-curlew, Great swallow-tailed swift, Great thrush, Great tinamou, Great tit, Great white pelican, Great woodswallow, Great xenops, Great-billed hermit, Great-billed heron, Great-billed kingfisher, Great-billed mannikin, Great-billed parrot, Great-billed seed finch, Greater adjutant, †Greater ʻamakihi, Greater ani, Greater Antillean bullfinch, Greater Antillean elaenia, Greater Antillean grackle, Greater bird-of-paradise, Greater blue-eared starling, Greater coucal, Greater crested tern, Greater double-collared sunbird, Greater flameback, Greater flamingo, Greater flowerpiercer, Greater green leafbird, Greater ground robin, Greater honeyguide, Greater hoopoe-lark, Greater kestrel, †Greater koa finch, Greater lophorina, Greater melampitta, Greater necklaced laughingthrush, Greater painted-snipe, Greater pewee, Greater prairie chicken, Greater racket-tailed drongo, Greater rhea, Greater roadrunner, Greater sage-grouse, Greater sand plover, Greater scaup, Greater scythebill, Greater short-toed lark, Greater sooty owl, Greater spotted eagle, Greater striped swallow, Greater swamp warbler, Greater thornbird, Greater vasa parrot, Greater wagtail-tyrant, Greater white-fronted goose, Greater yellow finch, Greater yellow-headed vulture, Greater yellowlegs, Greater yellownape, Great-tailed grackle, Great-winged petrel, Green aracari, Green avadavat, Green-backed twinspot, Green barbet, Green bee-eater, Green broadbill, Green catbird, Green cochoa, Green crombec, Green figbird, Green hermit, Green heron, Green honeycreeper, Green hylia, Green ibis, Green imperial pigeon, Green iora, Green jay, Green jery, Green junglefowl, Green kingfisher, Green longtail, Green malkoha, Green manakin, Green mango, Green oriole, Green oropendola, Green parakeet, Green peafowl, Green pheasant, Green pygmy goose, Green racket-tail, Green rosella, Green sandpiper, Green shrike-babbler, Green shrike-vireo, Green thorntail, Green tinkerbird, Green warbler, Green warbler-finch, Green white-eye, Green wood hoopoe, Green-and-black fruiteater, Green-and-gold tanager, Green-and-rufous kingfisher, Green-and-white hummingbird, Green-backed becard, Green-backed camaroptera, Green-backed eremomela, Green-backed firecrown, Green-backed flycatcher, Green-backed gerygone, Green-backed hillstar, Green-backed honeybird, Green-backed honeyeater, Green-backed kingfisher, Green-backed robin, Green-backed sparrow, Green-backed tit, Green-backed trogon, Green-backed whistler, Green-backed white-eye, Green-backed woodpecker, Green-barred woodpecker, Green-bearded helmetcrest, Green-bellied hummingbird, Green-billed coucal, Green-billed malkoha, Green-billed toucan, Green-breasted bushshrike, Green-breasted mango, Green-breasted mountaingem, Green-breasted pitta, Green-capped eremomela, Green-capped tanager, Green-cheeked parakeet, Green-chinned euphonia,
fantail, Visayan broadbill, Visayan bulbul, Visayan fantail, Visayan hornbill, Visayan miniature babbler, Visayan pygmy babbler, Vitelline masked weaver, Vitelline warbler, Vivid niltava, Vogelkop bowerbird, Vogelkop melidectes, Vogelkop owlet-nightjar, Vogelkop scrubwren, Vogelkop superb bird-of-paradise, Vogelkop whistler, Volcano hummingbird, Volcano junco, Volcano swiftlet, Von der Decken's hornbill, Von Schrenck's bittern, Vulturine guineafowl, Vulturine parrot, Wagler's toucanet, Wahlberg's eagle, Wahnes's parotia, Waigeo brushturkey, Waigeo shrikethrush, Wailing cisticola, Wakatobi white-eye, Wake Island rail, Wakolo myzomela, Walden's hornbill, Wallacean cuckooshrike, Wallacean drongo, Wallacean whistler, Wallace's fairywren, Wallace's fruit dove, Wallace's hanging parrot, Wallace's hawk-eagle, Wallace's owlet-nightjar, Wallace's scops owl, Wallcreeper, Waller's starling, Wandering albatross, Wandering tattler, Wandering whistling duck, Warbling doradito, Warbling vireo, Warbling white-eye, Ward's flycatcher, Ward's trogon, Warsangli linnet, Water pipit, Water rail, Water thick-knee, Watercock, Watkins's antpitta, Wattled broadbill, Wattled brushturkey, Wattled crane, Wattled curassow, Wattled guan, Wattled ibis, Wattled jacana, Wattled ploughbill, Wattled smoky honeyeater, Wattled starling, Waved albatross, Waved woodpecker, Wayanad laughingthrush, Wedge-billed woodcreeper, Wedge-rumped storm petrel, Wedge-tailed eagle, Wedge-tailed grass finch, Wedge-tailed green pigeon, Wedge-tailed hillstar, Wedge-tailed jery, Wedge-tailed sabrewing, Wedge-tailed shearwater, Weebill, Weka, Welcome swallow, West African batis, West African crested tern, West African seedeater, West African swallow, West African wattle-eye, West Himalayan bush warbler, West Indian whistling duck, West Indian woodpecker, West Mexican chachalaca, West Peruvian dove, West Peruvian screech owl, Western alpine mannikin, Western banded snake eagle, Western barn owl, Western bearded greenbul, Western black-eared wheatear, Western black-headed batis, Western bluebill, Western bluebird, Western Bonelli's warbler, Western bowerbird, Western bristlebird, Western bronze-naped pigeon, Western capercaillie, Western cattle egret, Western chat-tanager, Western citril, Western corella, Western crowned pigeon, Western crowned warbler, Western emerald, Western fieldwren, Western fire-eye, Western gerygone, Western grasswren, Western grebe, Western greenbul, Western ground parrot, Western gull, Western hemispingus, Western jackdaw, Western kingbird, Western marsh harrier, Western meadowlark, Western Miombo sunbird, Western nicator, Western olivaceous warbler, Western oriole, Western Orphean warbler, Western osprey, Western parotia, Western plantain-eater, Western quail-thrush, Western red-billed hornbill, Western reef heron, Western rock nuthatch, Western rosella, Western sandpiper, Western screech owl, Western sirystes, Western spindalis, Western spinebill, Western square-tailed drongo, Western striolated puffbird, Western subalpine warbler, Western swamphen, Western tanager, Western thornbill, Western tinkerbird, Western tragopan, Western violet-backed sunbird, Western wattlebird, Western wattled cuckooshrike, Western whistler, Western wood pewee, Western woodhaunter, Western yellow robin, Western yellow wagtail, Western yellow-spotted barbet, Westland petrel, Wetar figbird, Wetar ground dove, Weyns's weaver, Whenua Hou diving petrel, Whinchat, Whiskered auklet, Whiskered flowerpecker, Whiskered myiobius, Whiskered pitta, Whiskered screech owl, Whiskered tern, Whiskered treeswift, Whiskered wren, Whiskered yuhina, Whistler's warbler, Whistling cisticola, Whistling fruit dove, Whistling green pigeon, Whistling heron, Whistling kite, Whistling warbler, White bellbird, White cockatoo, White eared pheasant, White hawk, White monjita, White stork, White swamphen, White tern, White wagtail, White woodpecker, White-backed black tit, White-backed duck, White-backed mousebird, White-backed night heron, White-backed stilt, White-backed swallow, White-backed vulture,
Warnings: NSFW, jealousy, possessive behavior (though it is appreciated), semi-public sex, hand job-ish, piv sex
“Aww is somebody jealous?” He practically purrs at you, leaning down and nuzzling obnoxiously into the crook of your neck and shoulder. You’re at the wrap party for his latest film project and you’ve just watched his co-star, the smoking hot lead actress, practically coil herself around him in the most inappropriate display you’ve never seen.
To his credit Adam hadn’t seemed to enjoy a second of it, wincing and extracting himself as soon as he could. But from your place over at the bar with a few of your mutual actor friends, you had watched the way she leered at him for the rest of his group conversation.
Now fully in your personal space, Adam seems hell bent on giving you a hard time about your sudden pissy mood.
“Don’t be jealous, kitten. You know you’re the only one whose skirt I want to flip.” He kisses your neck and you shove him off.
“Shut the fuck up, Sackler. I’m not jealous of anyone.” Your flustered manner and agitated tone give you away, of course, and you take a sip of your drink to distract you. Over the bottle you see Adam watching you, eyes narrowed and lips curled in a smirk.
“How mad are you? On a scale of one to ten.”
“You’re a dick.”
“Correction: you want my dick. I’m just an observer.”
“And I’m just a fool, I guess,” you snort, climbing down from the bar stool. You push past him but he grabs your wrist lightly.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m a fool who has to pee.”
He trails you to the bathroom but before you can close the door on him he pushes his way through to join you.
“Ever heard of boundaries before? Fuck!”
“Like I haven’t seen you pee before.” Sackler leans against the closed door, waiting. You throw your arms up in exasperation and he shakes his head. “By all means. If you need to pee, go ahead and pee.”
And you snap.
“Alright, I’m jealous! Are you fucking happy, asshole?” You prop yourself against the edge of the sink and fold your arms across your chest. You immediately regret it, however, when Sackler’s eyes go straight to you newly emphasized cleavage. Turning away you let out a groan of frustration. “This is ridiculous, you better get back out there before they notice you’re gone…”
“It’s hot,” Sackler mutters from where he’s eyeing you up against the door. You wrinkle your nose.
“What’s hot?”
“The fact that you’re jealous.” Sackler pushes himself off of the door, coming to rest his hands on the sink on either side of you. “To know you want me all to yourself.”
“Of course I want you all to myself,” you mumble. The venom leaving your voice as Adam presses himself against you. He leans down until his eyes are level with yours.
“I like being reminded of it. Any reminder that you want me at all is a fucking turn on.” He says this while sliding his hands from the porcelain of the sink to the swell of your hips.
You can’t breathe because he’s breathing in your air. Because his hands are on you. Because a white hot need is swelling up inside you so fast you’ll probably burst. It’s silly that he’s speaking about this like it’s not a given. Like there ever could be any doubt that you require every part of him to maintain the existence of every part of you.
“I always want you, Adam,” you say, your words louder and more steady this time. Your fingers scrabble up to the nape of his neck, pulling him to you in a blinding kiss. Tongues clash. Fingers grip and clothing and flesh.
When you pull away for air, passion and heat rise up in you once more.
“I don’t want anyone else touching you,” you bite out through gritted teeth. Sackler pants before you and nods his head.
“You’re the only one who gets to touch me. Isn’t that right, kitten?”
“That’s right.” You reach between the two of you and place a hand directly on his growing erection to punctuate the point. Sackler groans into your mouth before surging forward again, practically swallowing you whole.
You can practically feel him swelling and twitching in your grip, so you pull away once more and focus your attention on rubbing him rigid through his pants.
“Fuuuuhck,” Adam intones, taking in shallow breaths as he looks down to watch your hand on his crotch. He looks back up at your face and grins. “You want me now, baby?”
“I already fucking told you, Adam,” you say before pushing him a step back, turning, and bending over the sink counter. You flip the skirt of your dress up over your ass, just as he had alluded to earlier. As you shimmy your hips from side to side tantalizingly you look over your shoulder at him. “Always.”
Adam’s cock is out of his pants and inside of you before you can say anything else. The burn is significant, being as sudden and without preparation as the penetration is, but the stretch is delicious. Adam wastes no time picking up a pace that has is hips slamming into your ass over and over again, allowing the shallow slap of skin against skin to reverberate against the walls of the small bathroom.
“I bet you’d rather me fuck you out on the bar in front of all those people. In front of her.” Sackler’s words come out husky and rough against your ear. He’s bent over you, his chest to your back, and his thrusts are brutal.
“Y-yes - oh god,” you choke back the moan. You look up into the mirror over the sink and watch Sackler plow into you from behind. He’s so big and wild as he fucks you and your lizard brain is chanting mine mine mine mine.
It takes a minute and Adam’s chuckle vibrating through your body to realize you’d actually been whimpering that under your breath.
“Holy shit, kid. Damn fucking straight I’m yours.” Suddenly he stops abruptly, standing up straight and pulling you up with him. “You say the word and I’ll bring you out there in front of everybody. Lay down in the center of that fucking floor and have you ride right there - ,”
“Adam Sackler if you don’t get back to fucking me this instant I will scream,” you spit out with all the menace you can muster. His cock twitches from where it remains buried in your pussy.
“My little frustrated minx,” Adam chuckles low and in your ear. His palm flattens between your shoulder blades, forcing you to bend back down over the sink counter. He doesn’t follow you down or resume his thrusting, however. Instead he keeps you pressed down with his hand on your back and brings his other hand down and around to play with your clit. You cry out and grip the edge of the counter. “Don’t you worry. I’m going to fuck the jealousy right out of you.”
And boy does he ever.
By the time you leave that bathroom, you’ve cum twice - once on his cock and once on his lips - and you know for sure that everyone from the party heard. You can tell by the uncomfortable looks and the way nobody can make eye contact with you two.
But your deepest satisfaction of the night is walking past Adam’s costar on your way out of the bar. You watch her take him in - his disheveled hair, his slightly skewed t-shirt, the pants he’d zipped back up but forgotten to rebutton, the goofy smile on his face. You see her eyes come to rest on his throat and the constellation of hickies beginning to bloom, curtesy of your lips.
And she looks like a pressure cooker ready to explode.
Though you’d relish the chance to face her, it doesn’t come. Because Adam, completely oblivious of your silent preening, pulls you to him once more and kisses you deeply in front of everyone. Right before whisking you away with the promise of fucking the cockiness out of you next.
~*~
Teeny tiny tag list: @paper-n-ashes @mariesackler @maybe-your-left @millenialcatlady @sacklerscumrag @jynzandtonic
COWBOY HELLO FRIEND <333 haven’t had the chance to stop by to say hi in a while- hope youre well my lovely pal :) could you write something w angst prompt #6 and ‘carrying you to bed bc you fell asleep on the couch waiting for them’ intimacy prompt w Sackler bc yearning is my soup for the soul haha
eeee hi friend!! i hope you're well <3 apparently i love accidental love confessions and Sackler :') hope you enjoy this ily <3333
NSFW, loads of fluff, mentions of smut/fucking (1k words)
Your breath is so soft, so gentle, when you’re deeply unconscious like this. Eyes barely even moving underneath heavy eyelids, arms folded across your chest to provide as much warmth as possible on his couch, in the middle of his apartment.
You had waited for him.
You knew he was going to be back late from rehearsals, he told you there was a chance he’d be home early, that it’d get cut short and everyone would just head the fuck home or something.
Sackler had also said there was a chance he’d reluctantly get dragged to a bar, that he’d be forced to socialize for a couple more hours, and he’d get back around 1am or something.
But you had taken that chance. And tried, tried your sweet fucking best for him.
The tv was soft in the background, the light flashing across your face arbitrarily.
Sackler had tiptoed over to you, unsure of what to do at first. This was still… new, to some extent at least.
You’d been fucking now probably for a few months, merely friends with benefits at first.
But then, you, you sweet fucking stupid angel, kissed him when he wasn’t balls deep in you and he was done for.
You’d been kissing a lot more since then, the sex was better, somehow. Sackler didn’t think that was possible but when he fucked you it was laced in feelings and warmth and it wasn’t always hard and desperate and disgusting anymore.
Sex could be warm and slow and molten and make his heart clench harder than your sweet little cunt. Poetic as ever.
Sackler crouches next to your head, where it rests on the arm of his frumpy couch. He brushes your cheek, treading lightly so as not to wake you from this accidental slumber.
He sighs to himself, debating on how to move you to his bed without waking you.
He whispers your name, followed by another sweep of his large thumb on your cheekbone.
You don’t even stir, not even when he whispers it a second time. He guesses he’ll take his chances as he manhandles you into his arms, holding you against his chest and walking you softly to the bedroom.
You nuzzle into his chest and Sackler is caught off guard, nearly stopping in his tracks as he looks down at you, so peaceful, so innocent and so trusting of him in this unconscious state.
You’re so delicate, so fucking pretty and unaware of it.
He holds you tighter, his heart lurches into his throat. He swallows it down. He speaks the words he's never told you. Yet, at least.
“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love you.”
Sackler whispers it into the dead of the night, standing in the middle of his apartment, holding you like a fucking idiot, talking to you while you sleep and you’re none the wiser-
You crack a smile, your lips pull taut over your teeth and you bury your face into his chest, inhaling deeply.
“Love you too.”
Sackler… He nearly throws up. You were awake? You heard that?
“Y-You’re-”
You nuzzle into him more, hiding in his chest, breathing him in.
“Bring me to bed, Adam.” You mumble.
Flustered and insanely flushed, embarrassed, Sackler is speechless as he carries you into his room and sets you down on his bed. You blink up at him with tired eyes as he pulls the covers over you.
That was the first time either of you had said it.
He said it to you while you were asleep, like a fucking coward, like an idiot, like a-
“Hey.” You whisper to him.
He had started walking out of the room, peeling his coat from his broad shoulders, going to hang it up by the door and shower before he gets into bed with you.
“H-Hey.” He stammers, turning quickly and awkwardly on his heel, falling to his knees next to where you lay on your side of his bed.
You smile at how weird he’s being. “I meant it.”
Sackler does that thing with his jaw, when he doesn’t quite know what to say and swallows it down, embarrassed, shy, overthinking.
“Yeahhhh, I did too.” He says, voice odd, words slurred by nerves. You smile, too bright for how tired you are, for how dark the room is.
“Good.”
Sackler thinks you fall back asleep. He’s not sure how you could manage that with how fast his heart is beating, how he feels like he can barely breathe when you both just said you love each other.
Fuck.
Sackler throws his coat into some random corner of his room. He pulls his clothes from his body until he’s left in his boxers and climbs into bed with you.
Sheets already warm with your sleep heavy body, you’re like a furnace as he curls around your body, arms wrapping low, down around your belly, his crotch flush against your ass. Fuck, how do you get so warm when he’s so cold.
He nuzzles his nose behind your ear, inhaling your scent and kissing the paper thin flesh. He wants to bite you, fuck - if he thinks about you like this, all warm and pliant and pleasant and sleepy - he’s going to get hard and then he’ll have to fuck you awake.
Instead he kisses that sensitive spot below your ear, kisses it a few times and whispers to you.
“I love you.”
You squirm in his arms, clearly still awake but Sackler isn’t scared this time when he says it.
“I love you.” He says it again, for good measure.
“I love you.” You repeat, winding your arms over his large, muscular ones.
He holds you tighter, holds you tightly to his body and falls asleep behind you, excited to say it again in the morning.
since ur back and I've been feeling kinda weird.. how about college ky or ben long distance seeing us after sum time
I'm sorry you've been feeling weird anon, we all go through stuff like that but I want you to know that I am here to listen and help you through anything.
It's a weird time of the year, and it can put people into a funk, or maybe your funk has been there for a while? but thats okay! you're amazing-wonderful-beautiful-smart-special to me, and everyone who frequents my blog.
I hope this satisfies you in some measure.
"I miss you," Bens voice comes through muffled, his face half pushed into a pillow case on the edge of his screen.
You sighed into your own, wishing it was his strong chest. Pinned to his front while you listened to his heartbeat slow down until he fell asleep. It wasn't even 24 hours since you left and yet your heart yearned to be closer...
Shrugging, you pulled your blankets up around your face. Leaning into your pillow, just a little out of the frame. Ben gave you a sleepy smile, he already looked miserable.
Eyes growing black from his lack of sleep, like the ridiculous psycho he was, he couldn't relax without your firm hand. But, it was another six months apart...
"I miss you too," you whisper, barely inaudible but his raised brows let you know that he heard.
"I wish you would've stayed..."
You smirked a little, "Well, you didn't do the sappy airport move, where you're supposed to storm past the security and beg me to stay?"
Ben chuckled, running a weary hand over his face. "Like that would work," he looked off in the distance, mood souring, "You wouldn't even if I chased you on a plane."
Now it was your turn to look off, not wanting to stoke the embers of an old argument long fought over screens. Leaving you both angry and in shambles, it was hard enough being mad at each other, but there was no reconciliation in person, just stale apologies when the other finally caves and answers their phone.
It was never like this when you went to school with him, living in his apartment. Spending every moment you weren't in class in his arms, being held like you were a doll. Getting soft kisses littering from your temple down to your collarbone, nosing his way under the hem of your shirt.
"Sorry," he mumbles out, the sound of him settling under his dark blue covers rustling against the speakers of his laptop. "I know you're doing important shit, it's just dumb that you can't do it here... just feels like you're trying to stay away from me."
You rolled your eyes, biting your tongue at a snappy rebuttal. Settling on a more soothing route, "I'm just trying to do the best I can."
"I know, you're helping a lot of people and I should be proud of you."
He took a deep breath, "I just wish you'd take care of me."
"Ben," you whined, eyes growing tired of staring at his reflection from the camera. If he was going to be moody and shitty, you would just disconnect, you didn't need another guilt trip from him. He knew how much it meant to you to be where you were. Helping others, getting the best education you could, nothing along the lines of what his university could offer.
"I only have one semester left," you fiddled with the tie on your hoodie, listening to him shift on his end once more.
"Yeah, but you still don't know if you're going to come back here."
"You could always come here," you blurted out, regretting feeding into his self-loathing. He side-eyed you, mumbling about hating that part of the country. Even though he only visited once in a blue moon, claiming it wasn't as amazing as New York.
New York had everything in his eyes.
He rubbed the back of his neck, stretching off-screen before yawning loudly, "I have to get up early, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
--------
Two weeks had gone by without a word from Ben, dragging your feet from school to your lonely apartment. Slowing putting away all your mementos of him, staring at the Skype status showing he was unavailable.
Looking at the blank screen that stared back at you.
Streaked with tears that you'd shed, wanting to march on a plane and storm to his house. Yank him by the ear like his mother did when he was in trouble, shout and scream at him for being an asshole. Not prioritizing your wants and needs, selfish enough to think the world revolved around him.
It was unfair.
You sat at the table of your study group, quietly nibbling on a bagel that had long gone stale. Barely whispering out answers to the study guide, there was a big exam coming up that would determine if you got internships or not.
But you couldn't stomach it, much like the everything bagel you were chewing.
A large packet slammed down across from you, your group leader looking irritated as usual. She spat out your name, "Are you going to contribute today? Or just be a bummer again?"
Everyone looked away from you, probably agreeing with her bold statement. Ben didn't want you, now they didn't, what next? Were you going to be dropped from your program?
The universe was already taking heavy hits against you, so you wouldn't be shocked.
"Oh my god," one of your group mates gasped, looking off in the distance, "Look at that guy."
Heads turned while you stayed forward, staring at a single crumb from one of their cookies that spilled on the table. Listening to them gawk, "He's so hot", "Is he knew, I would've remembered him", "He's big, is he on the football team?", "Why is he walking up to every table?", "Shit-here he comes!"
The girls all straightened up, plastering on their fake smiles for the unlucky guy who was about to be hooked, lined, and sunk into their webs of fakeness...
"Are you guys in the biology department?" a deep voice blurted out frantically, your heart skipped a beat. Souring high before plummeting, it sounded like your Ben. When he was frantic and wanting something, like when he was desperate to find a certain hot-dog cart that used to be at time square.
He needed one of those hot dogs again.
Your leader cleared her throat, throwing her glossy hair over her shoulder dramatically before her voice squeaked out at an unnatural octave, "Yeah, we are. I'm the colleges' president of the student body."
"Oh," he sighed, "Sick-okay, I'm looking for someone who's in the program."
The man began spouting out generic facts about his mystery person, judging by his voice, he was working hard to find them. But didn't seem to know their name, as he dodged it a few times. His voice seemed distant, staring over your leader's head a few times to catch glimpses of anyone who walked in.
You grew tired of his adjectives, pulling your notebooks and spare pencils into your backpack, no one noticed anyway. They were all eating out of this dude's hand, listening to his ramblings, once again you were reminded of Ben. He sounded unhinged, like when he was 99% sure Hux his roommate had stolen his Oreos.
"Well," the president smoothed over, "I can help you look around, I'm sure they are somewhere. And if not..." you could hear her breath hitch as she laced her words with honey, "I could show you around to the secret spots of our campus?"
You stood up swiftly, not wanting to stomach any more of this scene. Briefly looking through your hair at the man, mouth moving before your brain.
"Ben?"
His head snapped towards you, black hair longer than you remembered, swiping across his forehead in a greasy mess. Mouth dropped open as he focused on you, his voice caught in his throat as he spoke your name.
Launching forward past the other people still seated. Ben picked you up in his arms, shaking as he held you against his chest. Your body awkwardly lifted over his shoulder. Patting his back while you stayed shocked, there was no way?
You were confused, sad, happy, and fucking angry?
Ben spun around with you, setting you back on the ground, bracing his hands on your forearms. Your heart clenched at the sight of his tear-streaked cheeks.
get on top of your partner while making out, then hold a knife to their throat and hover just out of kiss range. see how far they’re willing to press against the blade to kiss you.
I still contend that this is, in fact, the best video on the internet, period. The sheer comedic timing. The knowledge that it cannot possibly have been constructed. The very human expression Pallas cats’ round pupils give them. And the backstory that this was literally the first footage captured by this camera in this placement, that this is the cat immediately noticing his environment has been changed and investigating with all the suspicion of a grumpy old gardener whose gnomes have been moved again…. *chef’s kiss*
this gif is perfectly timed because it gives you enough time to read it, comprehend it, and still have this too-long-for-comfort moment of suspense before being punched square in the solar plexus
still thinking abt that time last year I just posted the word "sex" and deleted it after 5 seconds and then IMMEDIATELY got an anon that just said "I saw that"
kylo rens boner garage @adamdrivershole - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag