So many things were left unsaid. So many emotions gone without being spoken, or truly felt. My feelings toward you may not have been reciprocated but I feel like that's the part of my brain trying to cope with the idea of you not being here anymore. The idea that I will never hear your voice again, to feel the warmth of your body close to mine, to see your beautiful eyes light up. That may have been a reality regardless of the drugs overcoming your life, but I'll spend the rest of my own imagining differently. I'll spend my life remembering the nights I snuck out, only to lay down in the back of your sisters car, the one that you snuck out of the garage to come see me. I'll remember laying on your couch, you behind me playing the role of big spoon, of protector, watching a movie that I can't get through now without crying. I'll remember talking every day when you were gone, counting down the minutes until I could see you again, not knowing if that would ever happen, but having the possibility be enough to get me through another day. The late nights at parties, drinking more than I should have, aching to feel your lips on mine. The crisp cold afternoons at beach, filled with joy as you popped by to surprise me between shifts, wishing I could have made those moments last longer. There are so many moments that I wish could have lasted longer. You didn't deserve your fate. You didn't deserve to die at the hands of your addiction. I wanted so much better for you. I wanted to be enough for you, but the drugs were stronger than you were. I'm ashamed to admit that I wasn't strong enough to fight for you. I wish I would have fought. I wish I could have handled one more night laying with you during the withdrawals. I can't help but wonder if one more night would have made a difference, but I know I can't blame myself. You tried. I tried. A lot of people tried to help you get better. I want to place the blame on something other than the drugs.. On someone that I can be angry with, that I can yell at. I wanted to blame your dad for not seeing the signs, your girlfriend for not loving you enough, your friends for adding fuel to the fire of your addiction, your mom for letting you move. I want to point the finger and say it's their fault. I want to point the finger and say it's my fault... My fault for not loving you enough. My fault for not noticing the signs. I was so consumed in my life and in my sobriety that I didn't take the time to ask about yours. I don't feel like I have the right to be upset, like my tears aren't justified because you weren't mine anymore. Such a major part of my life was spent loving you. Even after I started to date someone new. Even after two years in that relationship. Even after we broke up. It was always you. Through the withdrawals, through the anger, through the loneliness, through the ups and the downs, I always loved you, even when you refused to so much as look at me. I'm grateful for a lot of things in life, but almost nothing as much as how grateful I am for you. Throughout everything, you saved my life. During the darkest time, you showed me love, friendship, happiness and ended my thoughts of suicide. Even now... I'm four months clean and I strive to stay clean, in part, because I see how your struggle with drugs ended. Your death has been eye opening for me. Heart breaking. Gut wrenching. Life shattering. But eye opening. I'm sorry... I'm sorry for never telling you. I'm sorry for not being there forever, despite my promises. I'm sorry I started dating him even after I told you That I wouldn't. I'm sorry I cut off contact with you. I'm sorry that I didn't reconnect with you sooner. I'm sorry I moved on with my life without you. I hope now, you realize it was all because I loved you. I will always love you. I like the idea of infinite universes, and I'm sure you would have too. See, this universe, the one I'm living in without you, is just a small spec compared to how many there could be where you're still alive. There may exist one where you're here, and you're happy. You're clean. Maybe we're still together, the way things should be. The idea that somewhere out there exists exact copies of us, living happily with our lives, whether we are together or not, calms my aching heart. Nothing could ever take this unjustified pain away, but maybe, for a moment, the memories of you could ease that pain a small fraction. I love you. In all of your infinite wisdom and quirkiness. The world is a little less beautiful without you... The stars shine a little less bright. My heart will never be whole again.
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