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[advicefor-yu]

can’t believe it’s been 2 years since I last visited this blog. I hope u all are doing well in ur lives and are happy, love u all and miss u 🫶🏽

[advicefor-yu]

Is this blog still active?

Not as it used to be :( I do wish to come back to it though

[advicefor-yu]

i was going to go to a community college but last minute some stuff got messed up and i couldn’t take as many classes as i needed. Now it’s the middle of June and I’m on a housing waiting list to go to the only college option I really have left a couple of hours away and it’s really humiliating and idk what i’m doing and i have really bad anxiety. I’m scared that i’m not going to get housing and get to go and it’s my only option besides online and i live w a toxic family.

If you have facebook, you can search up [college name and major + student] or any other type of group you can find attaining to your choice of school. Sometimes students will post ads for roommates or post other housing options. Maybe you can find something there that can guide you to the next step. You can also post on your socials to see if anyone is looking for a roommate? You can join other college groups and see if they are also offering some sort of housing! 

You can also try contacting the administrative team who handles the housing process there, ask them if you don’t get housing what other options do you have? Sometimes they offer jobs that come with living accommodations, that’s how one of my friend was able to live on campus. You can send the email now to get a head start, at least you’ll know what options are available to you and we can work from there!

[advicefor-yu]

Submission from D

(if you see my story on another advice blog, its because the waiting list for another ask blog i came to was four whole months and im not sure if i can wait that long :( im sorry if this comes off as rude but i needed advice and you seem wonderful and trustworthy)

Hello, ive seen some people come here for help and im hoping for some clarification/advice on some issues. Im 16 years old and a sophomore turning junior next year, during my freshman year of highschool, i began secretly dating someone, Z , my parents found out and grounded me. I tried leaving him but i felt so in love, that every time i did i just ended up right back to him. I suffered from no social contact with anyone as punishment, for the year and the summer, i felt as though i was obsessed with him and after some miscommunication we ended our relationship. Ive recently began dating a new guy, M. hes sweet and funny, but before this pandemic me and Z had forgiven eachother for all the stuff we had put each other through and were friends now?? I guess,, Z occasionally has messaged me and responded to my posts on social media and I believe I’m suppressing romantic feelings for him although I love my boyfriend very much. I dont think i was ever completely over my last relationship and its quite frightening. I wouldnt ever go back to him due to the damage it put on my mental healt but i find myself missing him and fighting back memories of us hanging out. I dont understand why im feeling so conflicted, i could never go back.Im also dealing with family issues. My parents never trusted me after that incident (understaibly so, i would lie to them constantly and sneak off, i feel so guilty and stupid) and my mother lets my other siblings get away with more because they have behaved better in the past. I can barely focus on one thing at a time( i believe i have adhd) and life with an autistic younger brother makes things super hard, we drive outside all day and come home late because otherwise he would panic. My mother has unrealistic expectations of me since im the only female in the household and wants me to give up my dreams to take care of my sibling, and i feel guilty for not wanting that responsibility since my mother always mentions im useless, and that when she was my age she could do much more for herself.

I have so much going on in my head right now and i dont know what to do, i cant reach out for therapy, too much money and my parents believe that only insane people need therapy. I just dont know what to do and im so scared.

thank you in advance, have a good day <3

Everything will be okay, we’re going to work this out one step at a time. If you feel conflicted with your feelings for Z vs M then maybe you can ask yourself a couple of questions and list out the pros and cons for both relationships. It already sounds like you want to be with Z but you’re trying to come up with reasons to why you can’t be with him. 

When you close your eyes, who is the first person you see? When you look at Z, do you get butterflies? What about with M? What does Z have that M doesn’t? Did Z treat you better than M? What can M do to make you forget about Z? There’s always a spark between you and the person you truly feel for, which one gives you that spark? Gives you the feeling of sweeping off of your feet? these questions can give you an idea of whom you’re feeling more for. 

If those questions made you choose Z, then: Why do you want to be with Z despite the mental damage done to you? What guarantee is that you won’t experience that again? Did anything change? Is there a specific thing you miss about him or the relationship that you can implement in your current relationship? 

If you want to get over Z then it’s very important that you put some distance between you two. Remaining in contact will only resurface old feelings and it’ll constantly make you question yourself. So take another break from him, cut him off completely if it will help you out better. No relationship is worth it if it’s constantly affecting your mental health. 

As for your home situation, take it slow. It is not your job to take care of your siblings all the time, they are her children and that is her first priority, not yours. You can help out as much as you can around the house but don’t let her words get to you. This is not your responsibility. You are still young, you are still growing and learning about the world. She has no right to put that extra weight on your shoulders. If you want to help her out, then maybe you guys can come to a mutual agreement on planning a day-to-day schedule. Whereas, you will help clean the dishes if she cooks the meal 3 times a day. Or you’re going to be studying for school from 10am-4pm and after that you can spend time with your siblings or take out the trash or do the dishes. Something that will even out the field for you. Your mom might not like it, but I’m almost positive that she will eventually accommodate to the schedule. I know it’s not gonna be easy to be this assertive or to even suggest this, but at least you can try right? End of the day, you have control over some parts of your life, take advantage of it. 

I hope things begin to look up for you. Hang in there, it will get better soon! 

[advicefor-yu]

I have a hard time falling asleep at night because I'm afraid of the dark and how quiet it is and sleeping alone. I notice when my housemate isn't home, I just feel terrified. I don't know how to overcome this because I plan to move out and live alone in a few months and all I can think about is how paranoid and sleepless I'll be once nighttime hits.

If you have a hard time sleeping because of the dark, then why not try to use a nightlight? Close the door and make sure everything is locked. You can put multiple night lights throughout the house if it makes you comfortable. Sometimes when I’m terrified at night, I literally have a night light on in the kitchen, living room, bathroom, and my room. It makes me feel safer and I can go to sleep easily. You can try that and see if it works for you as well? You can also try sleeping by watching tv all night on your laptop. Most likely the laptop will be put to sleep if you don’t use it for a long period of time. I know a friend who’s scared to sleep in the dark and she leaves her tv on all night. 

[advicefor-yu]

My ex and I broke up 4yrs ago before he left for a religious mission, and we stayed best friends after. When he got back 2 yrs ago, he treated me like normal. Then he started dating someone and got married to them 4 months after meeting them. She said he couldn't have my number anymore and I was confused but respected that and didn't talk to him. Recently, his mom contacted me saying that his wife mentally abuses him and his family (parents) and that they are concerned for him. Idk what to do

Did he ever try to contact you after that? This is a tough situation and you’d have to tread lightly. You can’t take any action based off of what someone else said. At the end of the day, we don’t know what’s actually happening behind closed doors or if a situation between the family and her has created some type of misunderstanding. 

If you’re really concerned and want to step in, then discuss this with his family. Ask them what’s been going on and what lead up to them to believe that she was being mentally abusive, gather all the intel you can get, then ask them what can you do? Instead of asking his other close friends to step in, why did they ask you? What can you different that no one else can? Maybe finding out the reason why they contacted you will help you decide what to do next. 

Also, if you believe that this has nothing to do with you and you don’t want to reach out then that’s okay as well! Don’t feel like you’re compelled to step in, you really don’t have to if you don’t want to. You can let his mom know that you’re not in any place to say or do anything but if she needs help she can contact some of the hotlines! 

[advicefor-yu]

My boyfriend & his friends plan to have a party for the 4th of July. It's definitely over 5 people & I'm not comfortable going. Covid isn't over & the cases have been raising & this is gonna sound so dumb, but I'm afraid I look lame in their eyes. I know his brother has been hanging out with his friends again, which I don't think is a good idea. If my boyfriend does go, would it be wrong for me to tell him I don't want to see him for 2 weeks just in case? I personally don't think I'm going to -

get it or anything, but I still want to be smart about everything. I don't think it's the right time to be gathering with friends.

No, it won’t be wrong at all for you to do that. Let him know how you feel about the situation and why you think it’s not a good idea to start gathering in big groups again. Let him know that you won’t force him to take any action he doesn’t want to and you’d appreciate it if he felt the same way about you. You can discuss the number of confirmed cases in your area and how it has been increasing lately, let him know you don’t want to be the person to carry it to someone else. If you live with someone who is elderly or is at high risk, tell him about that too. It’s better to be safe than sorry, I’m sure if you explained your thought process he will understand and won’t force you to go nor hold it against you. After all, this is about your safety too. 

[advicefor-yu]

i have a friend online who sent a message explaining they’re suicidal and wanted to let me know they’re going to kill themselves some time soon. i only know his first name and that he lives in Greece, which doesn’t have a suicidal hotline. I’ve tried everything i can to convince him to get help and he just explains that he doesn’t want help and that he’s made his peace with dying. i’m so scared that each message will be his last

(sorry for replying late) 

Were you able to get in contact with him? Here’s a link that takes you to a site where they give more information on suicide prevention in greece. There’s also a reddit post asking about the hotline mentioned above, you can click the + for the last deleted comment and someone mentioned that it’s still working (however that was posted 3 years ago but it might help you understand it better). There’s another site that lists out multiple hotline numbers to contact and it shows the same one that was mentioned 1st^. Please contact that number if you’re worried, they also list other emergency service numbers you can contact! 

If you have his phone number or his families phone number, give them call and let them know you haven’t heard from him in awhile and wanted to do a wellness check. If you know his full name and have him added in any other socials, see if you can find another family member of his or close friend whom you can contact as well!

[advicefor-yu]

I have lingering feelings for someone I barely dated. It ended weirdly (I ended it as i was afraid of losing him, ironic) last summer and it’s been a year but... I still have feelings for him. He lives in a different city and texted me last week out of the blue to say hi, then stopped responding after two messages. Should I message him? How do I move on? I feel connected to this person in a way that I can’t really justify or explain. Please help me to see reason. Thank you! Xx

Do you have mixed feeling about this or are you sure about the way you feel about him? Do you want to be in a relationship with him again? or do you wish to remain friends? What are the pros and cons of this situation? If the cons outweigh the pros, it’s not really worth pursuing. Do you see yourself with him right now? Or is this a one time feeling you get here and there? Are you not afraid of losing him again? What changed this time? How will it be different?

I’m not sure how to explain this, sometimes we miss the people that were in our lives and we chalk up to the idea of reconnecting, but then you start thinking of why it ended in the first place and realize there’s no point in going back. Is this something like that? I think it’s important to ask yourself these questions before making any decision, it’ll help you understand what you’re truly feeling and why. 

If you see yourself wanting to be with him as more than friends, then yes you should message him and see if you guys can work things out. If those questions made you realize that it would be best not to pursue this, then we can take things slow and help you move on. It won’t be easy, but its doable for sure. The first thing anyone would suggest, is to put a bit of distance between you guys. Focus on keeping yourself preoccupied with things that will divert your attention away from him. Talk this out with other people, sometimes getting an outsiders opinion on it can help you along the way. 

[advicefor-yu]

I hope I don't come off as mean or anything, but for the past month or so my housemate has had someone over every day. If it wasn't his girlfriend then it's his friend, who ends up sleeping over too. I'm a shy person, I don't like leaving my room when other people are around. This makes me feel trapped inside my room. Of course when I do need to go out, I do, but I just feel tons of anxiety when I hear them downstairs. I'd rather not go thru that. I guess I'm just a little annoyed

You didn’t come off as mean at all, your feelings regarding this situation is understandable. The best thing you can do is try to work this out with your roommate by communicating with him. Let him know how his frequent visitors make you feel, how sometimes you’d prefer it if he didn’t constantly bring someone over, and what ends up happening because of it (like feeling trapped in your room). 

Remind him that this is your place too. You both have to respect each others boundaries and feelings. In this instance, you guys can try to work out a schedule for his friends/gf to follow. Find a common ground, something you both are okay with agreeing too. For example, his friends can hang out at the place all day if they’d like but they can’t stay the night. Remember that this works both ways too, you can ask him what can you do on your end to make the living situation a bit more bearable. I’m sure you guys will be able to find something to work with. 

[advicefor-yu]

There's this person in my life that I love and I need to tell them. They're still at college and I'm finishing my postgrad this year (and might be working abroad next year) so I need to tell them urgently. Thing is, I'm scared to do so. I don't know if I'll ever see them again and at the same time, I don't want to scare them off if they don't feel the same way. Have any advice?

This all depends on how active they are in your life. If you’re frequently speaking to one another or know what’s going on in each others life, then it’ll be easier to come forward about your feelings. However, if it’s someone from your past that you have no connection to, it can be tricky. 

Let’s take this slow. Since there’s a possibility that you might be working abroad next year, are you ready to be in a long distance relationship? with all the new adjustments happening there, do you have the time and mental space for a new relationship? If you tell them how you feel, what will be your next steps if they agree? do you have the time now to spend with them while you’re finishing your postgrad? You don’t have to answer these to me! Sometimes I ask others to question themselves and the situation around them, you might just find the answer in those questions itself. 

You can try to message them and casually strike up a conversation. Get through the basics on checking up on each other and then you can tell them that they’ve been on your mind lately. Let them know what your situation is and why you felt it was urgent to tell them how you feel. I can’t be too sure what the outcome might be, but we’ll never know if we don’t try right? I’m sure if you wouldn’t scare them off if they don’t feel the same way. Just make sure you don’t push your feelings towards them when they show no interest, let them know you understand and accept whatever decision they make. 

[advicefor-yu]

My bf & I got a guinea pig recently. He's staying at his place & his roommates are ok with it. They came to look at him & the girl was/is condescending. She asked why he wanted one, if he was prepared to take care of it, why the pig wasn't staying at my place since I'm working from home, why we didn't adopt one from a rescue, etc. It got on my nerves bc I don't understand what her problem is. This is our first pig & we did a lot of research beforehand. We even built him a large living area -

- which is why he couldn't stay with me bc my room isn't big enough. I would say our only mistake was not looking up pig rescue services around us, but we're going to find him a buddy through a rescue next week now that we are aware there is such a thing. When she got her 2 cats, my bf didn't question her and her abilities to take care of them at all! So I really don't get why she's hounding us with all of these questions. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong

It doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong. You’ve done the extra research and paid attention to the type of living environment guinea pigs prefer and you tried to make sure they receive the best care possible. Even after what she said, you took into consideration that you can maybe next time adopt from a rescue, which you might do in the near future! 

People will ALWAYS have something to say about you or question anything that you do or say, it’s just how life unfortunately is. There’s just no pleasing anyone. If you followed everything that was suggested, trust me, someone else will find something else to bicker about. So try not to let these behaviors/actions get to you. Take it as a constructive criticism, you can always find ways to improve yourself, and just maybe their nosy questions will help you do that. 

Always analyze the situation, if you feel as if you checked off everything on the list and you’re good on your end, then that’s all that matters. 

[advicefor-yu]

hi I’ve been trying to better myself but I’ve been having a really hard time doing so. My boyfriend recently moved back up to another state for the summer, and it’s really eating at the both of us. But, I’ve realized I’m becoming toxic and kinda treating him like my mothers bf treats her (aka not good). I’ve become overbearing and really just not a good partner. Yet he’s still here and forgives me and says I’m fine in his book. I just want him to be happy, and I feel like I don’t do that-🌻🌻

You guys should talk this out amongst each other. Being in a long distance relationship isn’t easy, but it can be manageable if both parties put in the effort. This is a new territory for you guys, so it might be a little hard to work with in the beginning but I’m sure we can find something to work with. 

At first, it would be best if you guys talked about the feelings associated with the sudden move. Let each other know how you felt when it happened, how you are feeling as of now, what you’re missing the most, and then trying to come up with ideas to tackle those missing pieces. 

Try to set up a schedule of times you guys are free and you can decide whether the time is appropriate for you guys to text, call, or video chat with each other. You can send him care packages, sometimes sending a gift to a loved one can make you feel a lot better. You can also try to figure out when would be the next time you guys see each other in person and schedule a meet up (if possible during the summer at least once). 

And whenever you catch yourself treating him bad, take a step back and remind yourself that you are not that type of person. Remind yourself of all the good memories you had and maybe put yourself in his shoes to give yourself an idea that this isn’t easy for him either. 

[advicefor-yu]

my lease ends in august & i've been planning on moving bc my work commute was 4 hours total each day before covid & working from home. i want to move closer but i have such a hard time adjusting to new things that i'm scared. idk if i want to live with other people bc i notice how shy i get currently w/ my housemates. i feel like living alone would make me more comfortable but i'm afraid of getting lonely. i've never lived alone before. my boyfriend also told me that if i wanted to live together

then he's open to that discussion. living with him sounds great. i wouldn't be lonely, i'd be living with someone i'm already comfortable with, but i also don't want to move in with him just bc i'm scared of being lonely, if that makes sense? we've been together for 8 months & i need to start looking for a place soon & i just don't know what to do or what choice will ultimately make me the happiest. i know you won't have an answer for me, but maybe some living experiences of your own?

Do you see your relationship with your bf as a long time commitment? Do you feel as if you guys are in a good spot right now? Ykno like worked out the kinks, find out in depth about each others dislikes/likes. Do you think you’re open to the idea of waking up to him every morning or spending your nights with him? If you’re okay with all that and feel like you’d be more open to staying with him, then maybe you can move in together?  

It’s okay to be scared when experiencing change. If you want to live alone you can do that too. Think about every accomplishment or decision you’ve made in your life, those were new adjustments for you then weren’t they? You were able to overcome that and work your way around the change. So you will always adapt to new things regardless, that small moment of fear/anxiety will go away and won’t last forever. If you’re worried that you’d be alone, then you can always fix that up! For ex, if you start feeling lonely you can always ask your bf to come over and chill at your place, you can ask your friends if they want to meet up and hang out, you can always video chat with your family and friends to keep yourself occupied. 

It also comes down to what type of person you are. Like a lot of people like being around people all the time, others want to be left alone once they’re home. I’ve gotten used to living around other people, but I’m definitely trying to be on my own when I can afford it. You won’t know until you don’t try right? I think you’ll be find with whatever decision you make. Don’t focus on the lonely part too much, you’ll always have some thing to do to keep yourself busy. 

[advicefor-yu]

My friend im really close to has been really odd with texting. Like I just told her the guy I basically love that his mom is dying. And she asked if that's a bad thing. Then i told her im nervous to start working again and she said I'll have money or just quit. Like its weird. I asked her earlier if she's okay but she says she's good. She stays off of social media. But sometimes I notice her stalking my accounts etc. Shell say she doesn't use FB but be on it all the time. Same a Instagram.

It would be best if you spoke about this to her, I can’t speak for her because i don’t know the type of person she is or what her story is ykno?

Has she always been odd at texting or is this a more recent thing? If it was always like this, then maybe that’s her way of communicating. If this is more recent, then a lot of factors can play into this. For ex, she might have read your texts and replied at a bad time, she might be preoccupied with other stuff but feels bad if she doesn’t reply regardless of the message, maybe she’s going through some personal problems but doesn’t want to distance herself from her friends yet? Sometimes when im not doing well mentally, I give one worded answers instead of replying or I’ll stay on other socials mindlessly scrolling while ignoring everyone’s text. We can sit here and try to figure out all the reasons to why she’s been acting like this, but only she can tell you the real reason.

Let her know that you’re here for if she needs someone to talk to and that you’ve been noticing that her texts have been slightly off. Let her know you’re kind of worried and if everything is okay or not? You can express the type of vibes you get from her texts and tell her directly which texts you’re referring to. If she doesn’t respond or doesn’t clear up anything, then give her some space. I’m sure she’ll come around.

[advicefor-yu]

My father has said many homophobic things when I was younger, making me feel very uncomfortable seeing as I’m closeted and gay now. He still says these terrible things and it discourages me from wanting to accept him as my father. My mother says she hates the way I coldly interact with him and that his feelings have been hurt. Should I tell him how I’ve felt about him and apologize? If so, then how should I go about it? -🍋🍋

If you’re in the right mental space to talk this out with your dad then you should go for it, if you’re not or think you’re not then it would be best to hold off. It’s not easy opening up to parents as they have a different upbringing than we did.

Let’s take it slow from here. You can let him know how his comments on certain situations have been very hurtful and that’s why you have been distant from him lately, you can apologize for that as well. Let him know how his view on such instances aren’t ideal and you can try to explain to him that regardless of what, everyone is still human. Try to stay calm throughout all this even if he’s not, yelling at each other won’t do any good for either of you.

After that, see what he has to say, if he seems understanding and somehow sees what you’re trying to say, then it’ll be easier for you to open up to him on how you feel about him. If he doesn’t understand, then just let him know how you just wanted him to be a bit more understanding and let it be.

[advicefor-yu]

i’m currently dealing with the regret of not naming myself knife. any advice on how to cope?

The ability to change your name will always be available to you. Did you try to go down to your city hall and have it changed? If you’re unable to, then you can use that as your nickname? Have it placed on all your socials and let your friends know that you’d like to be called that from here on, so in a way it’ll be your name.

Let yourself know that it’s gonna be okay and don’t let it dwell in your thoughts forever. Maybe it wasn’t the right timing for it to be changed? Maybe it’ll happen down the line? For now, just take it easy. You can still refer to yourself as that, it’ll be validated in that way.