An aroace reading of the bar scene
I've seen a lot of interpretations of the flashback at the bar with Alastor and Vox, and it's fascinating to me how many people take Vox's side here.
This scene resonated with me so incredibly deeply. I felt seen and understood, and seeing the wider fandom response to it has been somewhat discouraging. Like, I get that everyone has different experiences, and that will color our interpretations of media, but Vox is really the far less interesting character to focus on in this scene.
Media is so oversaturated with amatonormativity and plots dealing with romantic rejection. It's Alastor's perspective that brings something new and interesting and thought-provoking. It's the aroace perspective, a specific aroace perspective, which I never really see.
So often, allonormative pressures lead aspec narratives towards internal, self-loathing angst: "Am I broken?" "Am I even human?" "Am I worthy of love?" "Am I doomed to eternal loneliness?"
While these sorts of narratives are interesting, and explore real issues that aspecs face as a result of allonormativity, compulsory sexuality, amatonormativity, etc., it can also feel a bit depressing. Sometimes, I just want to feel good about being aroace. I want to see the positives. I want to see aroace struggles that aren't fundamentally rooted in internalized aphobia.
And that is exactly what Alastor offers. That's part of why I'm so drawn to him. It's what makes his and Vox's dynamic so interesting to me. They had a falling out that is connected to Alastor's being aroace, but any regrets that Alastor might have are not a result of internalized aphobia or allonormativity.
And it pains me to see so many people villainize Alastor because of the bar scene, when it was something that I personally related to so much.
My sophomore year of college, I knew that I was ace, but not aro. Internalized arophobia and amatonormativity had me convinced that I was alloace (and also that I was just sex-indifferent). I planned to date, get married, and eventually have sex purely to please my partner. Surely I was only uncomfortable with the idea of dating because the one date I went on in high school was with a guy who turned out to be a total creep, right? Surely I was only uncomfortable with sex because no one discussed it, and I just had to get used to it, right? I also assumed at the time that I was a cis woman.
That's the stage of my self-discovery I was at when one of my closest friends asked me out on a date.
I've dealt with pretty severe anxiety for my entire life, but that was my first ever full-blown panic attack.
Thankfully, he asked me out via text, so my friend did not see or hear my panic, but I knew then and there that I never wanted to date. Not him, not anyone, not ever.
My friend was wonderful, truly. If there was ever a "the one" for me, I would have expected it to be him. But when he asked me out, that made the idea of dating real in a way it never had been to me before, and it filled me with complete and utter revulsion. I remember sobbing on the phone with my mom, terrified about what this meant. What kind of life would I lead? Was there something wrong with me?
With my mom's help, I politely rejected the friend's advances, and he was very kind and understanding, and we were able to remain good friends.
Well, it could have been, but my friend still had a crush on me. I think he tried to bury his feelings and preserve what we had, but he either couldn't or wouldn't. For two years, we remained friends, classmates, and coworkers, but I grew more and more uncomfortable around him, and the distance between us slowly grew.
He just kept making these little comments that made my skin crawl. Harmless things, really, but as I came to realize that I was a romance-averse aromantic, those comments became a violation of boundaries that I tried to set repeatedly.
I'd tell him things like: "I love hearing about my sister and her boyfriend, I just hate thinking about myself in a relationship like that," or "Romance is great for other people, but when it's connected to me, it just makes me uncomfortable."
But his little comments never stopped, and it began to feel like a violation of my trust. I had opened up to him in a way I had previously only opened up to my best friend since third grade. I had made it clear I didn't like being connected to romantic scenarios, but he didn't stop.
"I hope I marry someone who gets me like you do." "I want my wife to be just as smart and pretty as you." "You know, we're always on the same page with stuff, and I really want it to be like that when I get married."
(I also didn't even realize for years afterwards that being associated with gendered terms like "wife" was even more uncomfortable because I'm not a cis woman).
He kept saying this stuff, even when I made it clear I was uncomfortable. But I was passive, not assertive. And over the course of another year, I quit talking to him. I just couldn't do it anymore.
To this day, I regret how things went, but once he developed that crush on me, we were no longer compatible friends. If he could have kept it to himself, let those feelings fade, maybe we could have still been friends. But it was like he took this amazing friendship we had, and poisoned it with romance, until it withered away and died.
If I had ended our friendship cleanly, instead of letting it drag on for years like that, I could have spared us both years of frustration. Sometimes, it feels like every single step I made was the wrong one. I genuinely mourn the loss of our friendship, but in the end, I don't know what I could have done to try and save it.
The only thing I know would have changed things would be to do what Alastor did. Abandon the sinking ship instead of clinging to it and nearly drowning.
So when I see people sympathize solely with Vox, it makes me feel alienated. When I first saw that scene, I thought: "Finally, something that might make people understand this struggle, at least a little bit. Something that make them see the betrayal and the heartache and the nuance of this sort of thing."
And instead, I see people demonizing Alastor, flattening this complex situation of two flawed, fundamentally incompatible people into one with a pure evil villain and a perfectly innocent victim. And what they imply in doing this is that Vox, the one who is consistently violating boundaries, pushing too hard, asking something the other person doesn't want to or can't give, and betraying the trust place in him, is completely innocent in all this. They act as though all of his actions are totally justified because of love, and that sickens me. Romantic consent should be weighed much more than it is. I don't care what Vox's feelings for Alastor were in the bar scene. He's still responsible for his own actions.
I personally don't take issue with Alastor's handling of the situation, because betrayal and violation of boundaries shouldn't have to be put up with. If someone is being creepy and pushy, you have every right to tell them, in no uncertain terms, to fuck off. If they're going to disrespect you and your boundaries, they forfeit all rights to being respected themselves.
But, even if you want to criticize Alastor's handling of it all, Vox is still in the wrong also.
So, all of that being said, here's how I read the scene: Alastor and Vox are relaxing at the bar, and this seems to be something they do at least somewhat regularly. Alastor seems to see Vox as his drinking buddy, and that's it. Not his friend, not his partner, just his drinking buddy. And he was happy with that. He was content. (Aplatonic Alastor is a whole separate post I have planned. Also genderqueer Alastor and autistic Alastor).
But Vox wanted something else. Something "more"*. Alastor makes it clear repeatedly that he is not okay with being touched, but Vox still does. It's so rude and creepy to touch someone when they make it clear they don't like that.
So Alastor cut Vox off. He realized that Vox wouldn't stop pushing his boundaries, and decided to end things then and there. And knowing how pushy Vox was, he cut him off harshly. You can say what you will about how Alastor was "too mean", but it clearly still didn't work, since Vox is still obsessed with him.
Vox is not owed Alastor's respect or kindness when he himself is being disrespectful and crossing his boundaries. Vox is not owed Alastor's time or attention or affection or anything. Alastor had every right to distance himself from Vox.
The betrayal of someone you thought was your friend pushing rose feelings on you, especially when you've made your boundaries clear, is painful. And so, I will always sympathize with Alastor over Vox in this situation (especially since Vox went on to SA Alastor)...
*I hate the idea that romantic/sexual relationships are inherently "more than friends." Friendship can be just as deep and meaningful and impactful as rose relationships.
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