WANDAVISION and Doctor Strange: MoM spoilers ahead!
Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x gn!reader.
Summary: Wanda keeps seeing you, even if it's not really you.
Warnings: doctor strange: MoM spoilers and WANDAVISION, angst, angst, angst and probably a really bad writing.
Notes: GUYS I KNOW THIS BLOG IS FOR NAT BUT I JUST COULDN'T GET THIS OUT OF MY MIND.
I watched this movie the other day, where a girl couldn't get her mom out of her mind and she kept talking to her even when she knew it was just her mind not accepting her death, so I just thought, wouldn't it be cool writing that with Wanda? And in fact, it wasn't, I wanna hug her.
I might like keep writing things for Wanda...
Despair, was what Wanda was feeling. She was beginning to forget the taste of your lips, she no longer heard your laughter echoing off the walls every time she thought of you, nor could she smell your scent when she brought your clothes close to her nose, there was nothing anymore. After your death, after having you back in Westview, after meeting the beautiful children you would have together, Wanda began to think, Why?
Why couldn't she be happy?
Why couldn't she feel you anymore?
Why wasn't that wonderful life she created in that small town real?
Although it was, of course it was, it always will be for her, it will always live in her dreams, in her eyes and ears, she will forever see her family every time she closes them, every time she sleeps and stops existing in the real world, to live what she wishes was real.
When Wanda woke up, it was always the same, it seemed that the energy was drained from her body, it was as if instead of being resting, she had always been awake, waiting for you, for her children, for her happiness to suddenly wake her up.
As usual, she sat on the side of her bed and saw you, standing there, and again, as she always did, she wondered if it was really you, she knew the answer, she knew you were nothing more than a specter that her mind had created by not accepting to lose you for the second time, although, was it really twice? There were countless times when you had died in her thoughts, she relived the moment every second, no matter where she looked, the only thing there was darkness, and in that darkness your death was repeated, when you died at the hands of Thanos the first time and when she disintegrated you after Westview, the only thing she did was to watch you die, there were no more pleasant memories, she did not see you in her coffee cups, thinking about when you shared them, she did not see you in the trees, remembering when you ate together in the sunlight, nor did she see you when she looked at the now empty space in front of her, that you used to occupy to dance, to hug and kiss her, the only thing she had were the memories of the times you died.
She wasn't selfish, she didn't want revenge, she had no one to take revenge on, she didn't want to pause an entire town again so she could see you one more time, to lose you one more time, all she wanted was for you to be real, not a specter of what you once were, of what you will always be to her, she wanted to feel your love, not just remember it.
"What are you thinking about?" You asked, in the warm voice you always used to address her, that emanated love, that squeezed her heart and made her want to hug you. The cup of coffee in your hand was still steaming from how hot it was, she smiled at that, and avoided your gaze, tiredly.
"I can't sleep, not without you." She spoke hesitantly but she wasn't lying, every word was heavy, would you be disappointed in her if you actually saw her? She was in pieces.
"In fact, I think you do it even better than when I was alive" you walked around the room, you brushed some objects with your fingers and leaned your cup on the table. She didn't want to look at you, she was afraid to, because you were right, you were always right, she had the nerve to dream every night of a happy world by your side, of the 'happily ever after' she never had, she was ashamed, how did she even dare to be happy in her dreams? She didn't deserve it, maybe she never did.
"N-no, I-" she finally looked up, along with her body, she looked to where you were, but you were no longer there, your voice was now just a memory again, a blurred memory that left a sour taste on her tongue. She fell to the ground, she hit it and slapped it as many times as she could before her hands started to hurt, she stopped and cried silently, as always, alone and silent, she no longer listened to anything but the damned silence, how could silence be so loud, how could her back be as heavy as the mountains when all she did was think?
"Why are you crying?" it came back, again you were there to torment her, to show her that you were gone, that every part she couldn't remember was gone, was it really you talking? How could she know when she couldn't take her eyes off your hands that now cradled hers, cold as the North Pole, marked as if she had lived thousands of lives, damaged as if she had fought a thousand battles, she really didn't know anything "Who wanders in your mind, Wanda? is it me? No, it's our kids, isn't it? Our fake children" You released every word like poison, you infected her veins, you bristled her skin, you broke her heart, but she refused to accept it, it had all been real, she loved her children more than her own life, there is nothing she wouldn't do for them, there is nothing she wouldn't do for you.
"No" she tried to pull away, but your grip on her hands was too strong, or maybe she didn't want to move, maybe she wanted to hear what you had to say, maybe she had to.
"The children we never had because you were too weak to save me" she broke free from your grip, she stretched her red hair into a bun, she didn't want to listen to you anymore, she dared to say it, she wanted you to leave, but she missed you so much, was this what she missed? wasn't it your caresses, your immense love? Again she didn't remember, she only had this part of you.
"NO, ENOUGH" she screamed at the top of her lungs, her throat hurt, it rasped every time she spoke, it hurt so much that it burned, she didn't know when she last drank water, or if she really deserved it, doing it when her family couldn't. Stroking her hair, you made her hands relax over her own grip, you always brought out her calmer side, you had always had that power.
"Tell me, Wanda, why do you think you deserve to be happy?" again, again that question, that question, that every day went around her head like a roller coaster, it was fast and constant, it was scary, she wanted to throw up all the time, she had nothing but a knot in her stomach "because, the way I see it, you've hurt a lot of people" she shook her head frantically, she whispered little 'no' with her trembling lips, but she was too coward to ask for you to stop.
"I never wanted that, I just wanted to be happy" she murmured between sobs, she had no more energy, she didn't want to live anymore, not in this reality called a nightmare, or in this nightmare called reality.
"What will you do this time to get what you want?" She looked at you, with her tired eyes, you were dressed differently, like on the day you had your first date, it had been so long ago it seemed like decades. She touched the fibers of your sweater, she tried to remember how it really felt, but all she had were words on his tongue waiting to come out "Will you take the whole world as your game board this time? pause lives and modify everyone to your liking?"
She couldn't answer, she could only feel the fabric in her hand, your hand on her cheek, it was all she felt, all she wanted to feel, but then you were gone, again, you were no longer there, it was cold again, it was empty again.
She walked towards her kitchen with faint steps, turned on the coffee machine and waited, as she always did, locked in her thoughts, glancing at your pictures together, the ones she still kept, the reasons why she wasn't able to forget your face, she wished your children were there too, that they had been with you always, every Christmas, every New Year, every day and second, that they would have brightened her life like you once did, but again it was just her mind, that woke up when she saw the coffee was ready, she poured it in a cup and took a sip, then threw it hard against the wall, her feet burned from the drops that reached them, but she was happy that she finally felt something, something that was real.
"How far would you go for me?" you asked, as you gathered the pieces of porcelain on the floor, you didn't wait for an answer, you already knew the answer, she knew it too.
"We're not alive here, Wanda, you're not either.... but maybe, maybe somewhere, in another place, in another galaxy, in another time, maybe we are alive" your voice sounded cheerful, your dark face now had color, your cold breath was now warm, everything around you felt real, it was real when you stood up, when you smiled at her, when you softened her heart with your warmth.
That's when you made her see the reality, when you guided her, as you had always done, it only took a few words "Why don't you look for us? If we're there, somewhere, I'm sure we're waiting for you" then you had them in your arms, Billy, Tommy, both on either side of you.
As a tear rolled down her cheek, when everything went dark, when they left again, when everything repeated itself for the thousandth time, she smiled, she was going to get them, no matter what, no matter who. Red light started pouring out of her hands, electricity, power, strength, with a single movement she turned everything into rubble, she was going to get you back, she was going to get them back, nothing else mattered anymore.
As she transformed her surroundings into what she needed for her quest, she remembered the day she met you, how warm you were, how amazing you made her feel, you let her know that nothing was her fault, that you would support her in her decisions and wherever she goes, she could finally remember your face, all your details that she had kissed so many times, that she missed with every part of her being, she no longer felt empty, she felt full, full of your memories, of your sweetness, of your love, of every time you were her home, of every time you let her know how much you loved her without needing to say it with words. As her red suit stretched across her body, so did your warmth, the warmth of her children, their voices echoed in her head, you were asking for help, you were trapped, you were always trapped in her mind, she had to let them go, she had to know them again, she had to see them again.
All her suit meant was pain, it was the pain of loss, the pain of love, because what she felt was love, love of the purest kind she could find, she was a mother, she was a wife, she was someone who loved and who was loved, the bright red that spread through her arms, all around, was nothing more than a weapon, that she controlled, that would lead her to reunite with her desired reality, with her dreams and hopes.
Despair? It was what she once was, what she once felt, what she saw every time you died in her arms, or when you died in her mind. Wanda found peace in the scarlet witch, she found peace in knowing that she would return to her normal life, that the despair and sadness had only been an obstacle in her way to happiness, that she would build it herself, everything you had said, the times you had left, everything was for her, you always looked for the best, even in your death, even when your corpse was the only thing left of you.
When the book appeared in front of her, when in her mind there were only whispers, when she no longer thought of you or the children, the witch she had inside her, the witch she was, took control, the next thing that would happen would be the construction of a bridge, towards her most desired scenario, she no longer had to feel, she only had to act, to reach you from another way than lies, and she would do it, God knows she would, no one was going to stop her.
Once in her fortress, Wanda felt hope again, she saw the writings of the dark hole on the walls, she saw her figure carved in rock and finally she saw you, you were back, this time she was looking at you, not like all the other times, she was no longer afraid of what you were going to say, this was what you wanted, you had told her countless times in countless ways, you wanted to come back, she was going to give you that.
"You're here" she smiled so wide that even she couldn't believe it herself, she couldn't believe that soon she would be with you again, that this time it would be real, no more lies, no more pain, she would take care of you like you always took care of her. Her heart overflowed with warmth when you smiled at her as you walked towards her and touched her hair, just like when you were alive.
"Here I am, you've always kept me with you" you lowered your hands to run them down her arms, you caressed her red suit, she could feel your touch, getting closer and closer, getting more and more real "You've always been strong, honey, just a little more and our family will be together again."
Just as she raised her hand to touch your cheek, strange sounds distracted her, they were going to try to stop her again, even though all this time she had been trying to be nice, had tried to express that she only wanted her family back, even so, everyone still saw her as the villain.
When America opened the portal, she saw her children, her most loved little people, who she had done all this for but she was rejected when she tried to approach, she was the scared one now.
Why was nothing going according to plan? She is Wanda Maximoff, her mother, your wife, why now the only thing in Billy and Tommy's eyes is fear?
As she fell to her knees, as she had done so many times before, she felt the pain spread throughout her body, she felt her limbs go numb, her throat close up, how breathing was difficult again, everything she saw was real, but it wasn't real to her, it wasn't hers. When on her cold skin she felt a warm touch, she opened her eyes with regret and saw you, in front of her again, you were real, you were alive, you were breathing and holding her again, you were keeping her from breaking, like you had always done, without even trying.
"What happened to you?" She could feel the warm in your voice, but she also knew you were scared, you were scared because all what she had done, both in your current reality and hers, was torment you, it had never caused you anything but pain, it had even caused you death.
"I lost you...I lost everyone." she whispered in a trembling voice, her teeth and lips twitching as if an earthquake was occurring in her body. She leaned into your touch, watched as you crouched down to her same height, as if you held the same position of power, as if she wasn't a monster and you were a victim.
"Wanda..." and there it was, her name in your lips again, it felt just like the last time, when she was holding your hand, asking you to love her forever, even if you weren't with her, this time you placed your forehead against hers, your contact was getting closer and closer, as if you weren't seeing everything she did, as if you were ignoring it, as if you were only seeing her, Wanda "You have to let us go, honey" she didn't want to believe you, she didn't want to listen to you, but as she always knew, you were always right, maybe it had all been for nothing, maybe all she was doing was causing pain, more and more pain, maybe it was the only thing she knew how to do.
When the portal closed, when all that was in her head were your words and those of her other self, she could do nothing but end it all.
Then, alone again, the last thing she expected was to see you again, sitting across from her, accompanying her on what she hoped would be their last journey together. You were there, you had always been there, you were always going to be there, and there was nothing she loved more than that, there was no one she loved more than you.
