my untold story

my journal

[airakng]

Dear Ate/Kuya

Dear love,

I do not know where to start.. I have been studying in my school for more than 10 years now and I never experienced having a different environment. My mother and father told me the other day that they have finally decided to transfer me to Manila and continue my studies there. I’m devastated. I don’t know what to do or what to feel. Just the thought of leaving all of the memories I have here behind makes me sick to my stomach. God, what do I do? I don’t want to start fresh. I don’t need new friends. I don’t need a big city or a big school campus. I don’t want huge malls, tall buildings and sossy circle of people around me. I just want a simple and peaceful life together with my family and high school friends. My life here is not much but I’ve learned to love and appreciate what this city gave me - Unforgettable memories, love, family and true friendship. I don’t know if I can say good bye to all of these. I’m not ready to get that “homesick” feeling. I will never be ready to go home just for a couple of weeks then be back again in Manila. I have few months left. I can’t do this. 

~ Aira

Dear Aira, 

 There are few months left before you transfer to a different school. Make the most out of it. I regret those days not being with you, not hanging out with you and was not able to help you with your needs as your “brother.” It’s a really scary feeling to leave the people who know you best. When you have super close friends, it’s like they’re a part of you. You’ll probably feel super sad for a bit, but then you’ll be able to adjust. Knowing you as my "sister”, I know that you’ll able to adapt to your new environment easily. Just remember the reason why you’re transferring to that school, and that is to start your journey to your dream, to become a doctor. You will start feeling comfortable after you meet new friends. I want you to remember that your family is always there supporting you on your plans for your future. If you ever feel sad, I am just one call away. As a saying goes, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

~ Love

[airakng]

My Kind of Love

My kind of love? I never really thought about it. I don’t know. But I do know that I crave him. Every. Single. Day. Not crave him in a sexual way. His lips pressed to my neck. His body against mine. Our legs intertwined. No, no. I crave him in a deeper sense. I crave him in an innocent form. I crave his goodnight’s and his forehead kisses. I crave him say he adores me when I feel at my worst and I crave him in ways where I just want to be next to him and nothing more or less. I crave him. I crave him constantly, so deeply it became a physical ache. I wish I could explain his eyes, and how the sound of his voice gives me butterflies and every time he smiles my heart skips a beat and every time I’m with him, I feel complete. Tell me what kind of love this is cause I don’t know. The way I felt when he held my hand for the very first time, like fire within my bones, like my soul has returned to the water, like every part of me that came from a dead star is alive again. Oh God. I could move mountains with what I feel for him. He’s a risk, a mystery, and the most certain thing I’ve ever known. His laughter warmed me in a way a blanket couldn’t and I swear, his arms felt like home. My mother once told me I deserve something I don’t need to question and someone who is sure about me. But goddamnit, how would I know he’s so sure about me? Cause deep down I know that I’m sure about him. Of all the love I felt. I choose his. And I’ll choose his love over and over. Without a pause. Without a doubt. Without a heartbeat... I remember how he traces the lines in my hands just to feel close to me and told me he believes the ocean is trapped in my eyes. I remember how he told me he admires the skin that I live in and loves every single bone in my body.. And you know what? In that actual moment I felt relieved. I felt relieved that someone might actually accept me. He helped me see the beauty he sees in me. He helped me love myself. This kind of love, it’s driving me insane. I have completely fallen for him. Everything he does.. Everything he says.. Everything he is. He’s my first thought in the morning, my last thought before I fall asleep and shit he’s almost every thought in between. I think I’m finally getting it.. I think I finally know what kind of love this is.. I think.. He’s my kind of love.

[airakng]

This Works for Me!

Stress is part of life. We experience stress everyday due to work, school or by something more. These are the following stress busters that I use to reduce stress (:

1.  Sleep. Staying up late to get more done robs you of your total productivity. It dulls your mind, increases stress, promotes weight gain and contributes to mood swings.

2.  Every morning, spend five minutes saying all that you’re grateful for, five minutes in healing prayer, and five minutes reading something inspirational.

3. Schedule relaxation. Make time at least once a week to do something you love like something that refreshes you. Maybe that’s a game of football, spending an hour alone with a good book or going out with friends.

4. Connect with others. Making time for social connection is very important and restorative. Social connection is what makes us a part of something larger than ourselves and our worries. It gives us perspective.

5.  Exercise regularly. Based on the internet regular exercise helps expel built-up tension, stress hormones and clears the mind. Exercise helps to release endorphins, the brain’s natural feel-good chemicals.

6. Use your senses. Find colors that soothe you, and wear fabrics that please you. Take a scented bath or play music you love. Paint, get a massage or take a walk in the woods. “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.” ~Hilary Cooper

[airakng]

The Emotion Challenge

They say that the key to happiness is to always have control of your emotions. Emotions are a scary thing and we experience a lot of emotions as a person. They are the most present, pressing and sometimes painful forces in our lives. We are driven day by day by our emotions. We take opportunities and chances because we are excited of the outcome. We cry because we’ve been hurt. We risk and sacrifice because we love. You see, our emotions dictate our thoughts, intentions and actions. 

Emotions are valuable, and they may be able to offer a lot of benefits. Once we are able to control and cope with them efficiently, we can learn about ourselves and our needs. But when we act because of our emotions too quickly, we often make decision that we’ll regret later on. Managing your emotions in an unhealthy way can sabotage your job and even your health. But mostly it can sabotage your relationships with other people. In difficult situations your anger, fear or desire sometimes tend to overwhelm you. Emotions are best met with a sense of logical view. But it does not mean that we should stop falling in love or cry tears of joy after hearing great news. These truly are the finer things in life and we have every right to feel them. It is negative emotions that must be handled carefully. Negative emotions like rage, jealousy or bitterness tend to spiral out of control. So how can we avoid acting on the wrong types of feelings and manage them? 

As for me when I’m in a difficult situation where my emotions are quite hard for me to control, first I always stop and think before I act. Sometimes when we’re feeling a strong emotion we tend to act automatically like lashing out or insulting the person that hurt us. Take note of your physical feelings and thoughts that are associated with the specific emotion. So that next time when you notice the signs you’ll immediately start thinking more consciously about your feelings and what your response will be. Second is I reduce the intensity of my emotions. When we’re feeling a very strong emotion we cannot think clearly and rationally. Before you begin taking action you should at least first calm yourself down. You can do this by breathing deeply or doing things that diverts your attention calmly on what you’re doing. Lastly I think about it. I identify my feelings and the source of it then think of the best way to respond and proceed.

It can be very hard at first but it will be the best thing to do in order to keep a healthy relationship with other people. Work on managing your emotions every now and then. Happiness will eventually come to you.

[airakng]

Hey! It’s such a cliché way to start things off but it works. So, hey.  

*cue in awkward silence*

Apparently, I’m not much of a talker. Come to think of it, I’m not much of anything. I can’t really tell you a lot about myself when I’m not quite sure who I am either. No, I’m not going for the millennial John Green approach. I just think I haven’t “found” my calling yet and that there are still a lot of things about myself that I have yet to discover. But if there’s one thing I do know about myself, it’s that I like football. Oh, and food too. A lot. But I can’t cook even if my life depended on it (unless my pancit canton making prowess counts). And I guess that’s pretty much it. Unless you want to know the nitty-gritty parts of me: my Jekyll and my Hyde, if I like pineapples on my pizza, my 3 AM thoughts, then you’d have to stick around a bit longer.

You just wasted a minute of your life reading that monologue. That’s one minute you can never take back! As compensation, here are pictures of me so you can bask in the epitome awesomeness that is Aira Lanto (I kid… or not).