So Tumblr etiquette seems to have a thing where people make a pinned post (got to figure out how, exactly, to do that when we've finished this) introducing themselves. Here's our version of that, I suppose.
Name(s): 'sup, I'm AJ, but we also go by Magpie, Ezrea, Ezzie, or Uly/Ulysses (also fine with No One, for the record. Or Ody/Odysseus, actually).
Pronouns: any except she/her, please and thank you.
I am a creature that has long since surpassed the pathetic, close-minded gender binary of humans. I do not gender; I simply am.
On a more serious note -- we typically use He/It (yes I'm capitalising my pronouns, we are God/j), but am fine with most anything else (seriously, go fuckin' wild). Also maybe trying out eye/eyeself nounself pronouns right now, so I guess we'll see how that goes?
(Oh I'm also liable to talk about myself in the plural (!! I'M NOT A SYSTEM! !! I'm just fucking weird and often struggle to see myself as a singular being), and we will respond to being called 'Chat' unironically.)
Age: a number well beyond your feeble human comprehension. No mortal calendar could even begin to understand the extent of my eternal existence. (I am a minor).
Other vaguely relevant info: so, we're neurodivergent. AuDHD (most likely, getting diagnosed soon). We also have The Big Cry (depression) and The Big AHHHHH (anxiety), as well as a litany of other not-fun things.
AAAAA battery. Or AAAAAAA battery, I can't quite tell yet.
Fandoms:
- The Magnus Archives (wow. Who could've guessed? *Stares -- haha -- intently at the eye/eyeself pronouns mentioned earlier*)
- The Mechanisms (if that wasn't obvious already given literally everything about this profile (also three guesses as to what tipped me over the edge into taking the name 'Ulysses'))
- Arcane (oh my GODS Arcane. Holy shit. I. Mmmhhhh.)
- The Bible (yes, I'm serious. Not in a Christian way (nothing against Christians, I just ain't one of 'em), just in an autism way. Also, yes, I am calling the Bible a fandom. Fight me.)
Those four are my main fandoms, but I'm also a:
- PJO/Riordan-verse fan
- Kind of a Marvel fan? In the loosest sense possible?
- A little bit of an Owl House weirdo
- Doctor Who freak (no, I'm NOT over how badly Belinda was written, our girl deserved so much better)
- General Greek (and Roman and Norse and anything else I can get my hands on, though especially Greek) mythology nut
- EPIC: the Musical fan (Again. Wow! What a surprise!/sarc)
- General literature nerd, I guess?
- Andrew Joseph White books weirdo (seriously, talk to me about Compound Fracture/Hell Followed With Us/The Spirit Bares Its Teeth)
- DnD gay
- Tad bit feral about The Last of Us (about both the game and the show, but for the show it's mostly just in relation to the game)
- Hunger Games twit
- Politics freak and somehow also a languages freak? Sort of? It's weird. I'm making my own language (for DnD), so there's that I guess.
We technically write, and sometimes draw. This blog will contain our weird fandom rambles, potentially some occasional fanart, and we may well wind up spewing some shitty poetry. Also general CW, there's a good chance that discussions of general mental health, self-harm, self-worth issues, self-destructive behaviour, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, and unhealthy devotion (? for lack of a better term) will come up. So be warned!
Talk to me about whatever (do talk to me, please, I am so down to ramble/listen to you ramble about literally anything (although I might not reply for a solid minute))!
DNI is your usual; bigots fuck off, TERFS (we all know you aren't actually feminists) fuck off, all that fun stuff. Just don't be a twit and we're good. Obviously I can't actually stop you interacting, but I don't think either of us want the other's content popping up on our feeds. So. Thanks.
Okay I'm done. I think. Probably? Now we just need to figure out how to pin things!
Ok but the Eridians were WILD for the mission they sent Rocky on.
Like before humanity even CONSIDERED sending folk into space we were like "ok lets see if anything can survive at all, lets see if things can get there and come back yada yada" and there were COUNTLESS space missions before we even dared as far as sending someone to the MOON for 5 minutes.
But the Eridians were like "Star not eaten by Astrophage? We go there." And sent an entire crew of their BEST SCIENTISTS and engineers on this flight, KNOWING it would take DECADES and having NO CONTACT with them for that space of time and not even knowing what R A D I A T I O N is.
Ryland Grace wasn't even hiding, that's what breaks my heart. He wasn't curled up in some bunker ignoring the issue and waiting for it to blow over. He was roped into the PHM and he stepped up - he upended his life basically overnight and moved to the facilities to help. He became essentially the second in command after Stratt, THE expert on Astrophage, training the candidates for the mission. He was going down with the sinking ship of Earth descending into hell
His fatal flaw is that he panicked. Like a human being would, especially one not trained to deal with extreme pressure in extreme conditions, like astronauts in space (which is why he thought he wasn't a good fit for the mission). "well, we're all gonna die (one day in some distant future)" is veery different from "OMFG you're dying Right Now, the clock is very much ticking" The walls closed in and he panicked about it.
Just consider: you have mere hours to say goodbye to your life and to Earth. In a few days you'd be sent into space (for the first time in your life), put in a coma, so you'd wake up years later, spend months working out a solution (which may or may not even work) and then you'd just... die. Your past, present, and future. Process all that in HOURS. Like you know that moment in the movie where he scrolls and scrolls and scrolls from Tau Ceti to Earth and just gets sad? Yeah, could you schedule your existential crisis over the shear scale of the universe into the allocated time? Please and thank you
To add insult to injury, they give him time to make his decision only to reveal that the decision is already made. If the backup plan already involves lying to the public that I went willingly, then just do that. Don't give me hope that there is an option of not going
This might be an unpopular opinion but I think if the launch wasn't so soon and they had more time, they could've fully persuaded Grace to go. Give him some mental health time to panic, maybe do some specific crash courses on astronaut things and he would go along with it (I'm not saying he would've been thrilled but if he knew from the get-go that it was non-negotiable, he would've adjusted). Just look what he did on Hail Mary in the movie - he moped around drinking vodka for a while and then he got his ass up to work
Ryland thinking Rocky is happy with being back on Erid vs Rocky putting on a brave face because he has to give 20+ eulogies and he's desperately trying to prevent one more by keeping Grace alive.
Spending time with somebody you're fairly sure is going to die soon is so interesting. Like haha! We're laughing! I'm hugging you tightly! There's a clock above your head! I can't read it, but I can hear it ticking. I can hear your heart beat loud when I rest my head on your chest. I know they will stop together but I don't know when. Please tell me a joke again. I know what you're going to do and how you're going to do it. I can't hug you forever. If I leave this call can you promise it won't be the last time? Can we stay on the train for a few more stops? One day I will forget the smell of your hair.
Rocky is going to outlive Grace. That’s the hard truth. That’s a fact. One day, it will have been a year, a decade, a century and more since Rocky last heard the comforting, constant thump of human heartbeats. The only remnant of human breath on Erid will be the quiet echo of it in Rocky’s memory. He tries to fill the silence, sometimes, tapping his claws together in the odd, syncopated rhythm of Grace’s life, a sound that he will never hear again. The symphony of crashing waves and even breaths and heartbeat and soft presence. He tries to fill the silence, sometimes, curled up in the not-sand of the almost-beach and focusing on the pretend-sunset that he cannot see so that he can tell himself that Grace is still there next to him. Crashing waves and silence where Grace used to be.
Eridians don’t have a word for goodbye. But sometimes Adrian will find him there with an arm raised, waving farewell to the sea.
Thinking about Grace running as fast as he could alongside Stratt towards the explosion site, thinking about how he must have been so fucking afraid for his friends inside, about how his heart was probably racing and his lungs were probably aching, and he was pushing himself to his physical limit, blood pumping with adrenaline to help people who he probably already knew were dead, and then merely days later he was running again, scared, this time, for his own life, moving as fast as his body would let him, mind reeling with the betrayal from someone he'd grown to trust, someone he'd run alongside so soon before, trying with all his might to escape, though, just as with Dubois and Shapiro, he probably already knew he was as good as dead, that running would do nothing but placate his survival instincts
Grace was a dead man running as soon as the explosion went off, he just didn't know it till he was running again
Thinking about Grace on Erid carving names into a rock one day. Yao and Ilyukhina and Dubois and Shapiro, the fallen members of the Hail Mary Mission.
Thinking about Rocky asking why, and Grace explaining it’s a memorial, a way to remember them. Thinking about Rocky asking to add the names of his own crew to the memorial too, if that’s ok.
Thinking about a memorial with two sets of names from two missions that came together to save the stars.
Thinking about Erid making a second one and sending to to Earth, because it’s a tragedy they share.
Thinking about the day the last two names get added to the memorial.
When I get blood samples at work sometimes they’re still warm from being imminently inside the patient’s veins and my hands are always cold because all the labs Ive work in are in the basement and they keep it kinda cold for whatever reason (and I’m also just a chilly kid).
And I clutch the little warm tubes of blood and feel this sick person warming my hands and I think about how kind you might be and how I wish I could hold your hand and how badly, how really really badly, I want you to get better and stay warm and hold someone’s hand again.
And anyway sometimes it’s better to not think so vividly about the people I’m doing tests for. I’m a good little cog in a vast machine of people all trying to heal and cure, and my cog feels so fucking small sometimes. But I hope the blood I prepare for you helps you breathe better and laugh and wake up feeling well rested.
We’ve never met but you warmed my hands and I want you to know I love you and I’m rooting for you.
grace finds a camera and a stack of film in addition to the polaroid (of himself, alone) that was tucked into his personal belongings. the first picture he takes is of himself in the lab holding up his cup of surprisingly perfect space coffee in a “believe in the hail mary” branded mug. he scribbles, “time to get to work” across the bottom.
he takes a picture of yao and ilyukhina’s name patches that he’s pulled from their flight suits. another picture of the empty control room. two more pictures of the view from outside the airlock — the vastness of space and the twinkle of stars.
when rocky shows up, he’s found a much more interesting subject to photograph. he’s got some pictures of the alien tinkering with something, giving him a thumbs “up” (“no, that’s down”) or jazz hands. rocky can see him holding something up, can hear the click of the shutter and the whir of the internal components that spit out the photo, but grace has to explain the entire concept to him.
“we take photos to remember things,” he says.
“human brain weird,” rocky replies. “can remember some things, but not all. eridian remember all.”
grace’s collection grows. pictures of rocky in his enclosure, goggles and gloves drawn on the clear xenonite. rocky sleeping and grace in the corner, holding up a peace sign. rocky moving across the tunnel in the lab so quickly he’s just a brown blur.
he’s still got some film by the time they make it to erid. he documents the progression of his ecosphere on the alien planet, from tiny bubble to full on habitat. he’s got a picture of him and rocky, standing proudly in his new and improved life support suit. rocky and adrian, standing by the water. his first class of students, standing behind him in their celebration clothing for the first eridian-human graduation ceremony.
rocky will occasionally sneak away his favorite photos to transcribe them onto small stone slabs that line the walls of his home with adrian. in each of the pictures, there are noticeable changes to grace — more grooves in his face, a dip to his posture.
when grace’s eyes can no longer see light, rocky gifts him with one of these slabs. it’s a picture of grace flanked by rocky and adrian. in front of them is a smaller eridian, half the size of its parents, its carapace made up of marbled grey and brown stone. grace is laughing, watching as the young eridian tries to find its footing in the life support suit.
grace traces the grooves of the stone with his fingers.
It is very important to me that Adrian absolutely loves Grace. They get to Erid and Rocky is so nervous about them liking each other but he never should have worried because the two just… click.
And now Rocky and Adrian equally love Grace. They always argue over who gets to bring him to their work (Adrian likes to have him for feedback for the bio-dome and Rocky likes to have someone to talk to while he tinkers). They both watch over him when he sleeps and Grace wakes up to two Eridians very, very close to his face.
They’re the couple with the third wheeling friend, except they are all equally happy about the arrangement. Rocky and Adrian go on a date, just the two of them, one time and get asked by no less than six people if Grace is okay.
Just Rocky and Adrian being soulmates and Grace being their platonic soulmate.
you know what? fuck it, man. the world is held in the fists of people who like to break things. at this point i’m saying who gives a shit. wear that victorian dress you don’t have an excuse for. dress up like a witch, pointed hat and all. who cares anymore. why worry about it when there’s bigger stuff to worry on. i’m saying. yeah, this lipstick is too dark, wanna share? i’m saying go talk to her, tell her that you like her hair. i’m saying she’s out of my league but i’m still swinging, i’m saying yeah i’m in a ballgown and it’s a pta meeting. what about it. eat the extra brownie, tell her your feelings. i’m saying if nothing matters than we might as well give nothing meaning.
#i’m saying if existence is a void at least i’m going down screaming.
it’s been 9 years since i wrote this. i was experiencing 24/7 anxiety so badly that i needed serious medication. these days in the back of my car is an “emergency party box.” when people admit they no longer really celebrate their birthday; i tell them to put the sash on and queue up kesha, we’re going bowling or something. these days i can’t spin around without finding something i am enamored with. these days i list 3 things i’m grateful for before i fall asleep. you’re probably one of them, just by virtue of you existing.
at the time i wrote this, i was suffering through a severe panic attack literally every night. i tortured my brother with constant 2 AM calls just to hear someone else breathing, because i couldn’t be alone in the silence.
i rarely wish i was still 23 even though ironically i had more hope back then. what i can tell you is this: i love the same way, but bigger now. i’ve worn the velvet cape to several business meetings. i spent thursday in a crop top without caring what my stomach looked like.
i told her i like her; i often dress as a witch. i still got glass in my foot this morning. i’ve kissed maybe a thousand people since then and met a million more than that; passing like the shadow of a hammerhead in trains and planes and buses.
i saw you, beloved, there, maybe, on platform in south station. you didn’t speak, but you said: i struggle to give the nothing meaning. the nothing fills up everything. it is just loud and yellowed panicked silence. i can’t stop shaking.
on the roof, birds curl together against the chilled spring wind. the sky outside of the craft store was an iridescent pink. the nothing already had meaning; you are giving it meaning by witnessing.
the act of living, beloved: it’s just decoding how to translate it.
I Support Crow's Rights and Wrongs >:D @ajthemagpie - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
