A Kitchen Sink To Me

thinking about songs of the band twenty one pilots

[akitchensinktome]

This is a blog about twenty one pilots. More specifically, about their creations. About my interpretation(s) of the band's work.

This blog is new, but A Kitchen Sink To Me is actually a wattpad project I started back when I was a teenager, a cringey 14-year-old with a weird mind. I realized how I really like thinking about interpretations of songs, figuring out the meaning behind. And with twenty one pilots' music, I could ramble all day on that page I was writing, which I did in the project. I wrote paragraphs each on various songs, talking about the way I understand those lyrics, sometimes about the instrumentals as well. This is what happens when music that makes you think meets a person who loves thinking about music.

And with the recent release of Clancy, I feel like I have gone back to being that 14-year-old, being so absorbed into tøp (and I'll be using tøp with the slashed o as an acronym, to distinguish the band's name and the literal word "top" as in "top of the world"). And I was reminded of that wattpad project which was soon discontinued because, well I was a kid and commitment was hard for that age, especially for a project that I started without any planning. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like picking it up again. And so I started this blog, as Wattpad probably isn't the best place for personal feelings and matters. (oh i deleted the account as well so goodbye, fiction-writing platform.)

That said, this blog might not be the exact same one I wrote. I did save the stuff I have written, a prologue and four songs in total. I do plan on reposting those stuff here, because I did write some good stuff (i think at least) which I wish to keep, but I will definitely make changes on the bad stuff (like poor criticisms on tyler's vocal delivery based on lack of knowledge). And I plan on starting from Twenty One Pilots -- the self-titled album, the very first song that is Implicit Demand for Proof, to RAB, Vessel etc., all the way to the newest album, Clancy. Therefore the four songs that I've written about might appear in the middle of this journey, according to the track lists. If I feel like it, I might also talk about other aspects of the creations of the band, such as what they've talked about in interviews, posts, maybe music videos, or even live show visuals and performances.

However, this blog isn't a lore theory blog. Although their songs might tie into the Dema story in some ways, I don't intend on making theories, and will only talk about the lore based on largely accepted/proven theories/facts. I would also like to mention that sometimes my interpretations are inspired by other people's interpretations.

One last thing that's extremely important for anyone reading this to know, is that by no means I am trying to explain the actual meaning behind these lyrics. Whenever I talk about songs, I always emphasize that these are personal interpretations, and I don't mean to say that it's a definite answer to what kitchen sink is. I am not a lyric analyst nor am I trying to be one, I am simply just talking about what I think after listening to these songs. It could be as a record of the process of me understanding the songs, or just me sharing how the song relates to my personal feelings. And everyone else can definitely hold a different opinion on the same song. Even if that opinion completely contradicts my interpretation. Because to me, creative works have always been about the freedom of meaning. Meanings inspired by creations, and even more creations inspired by extra meanings.

And that concludes what I would like to talk about in the first post. I probably won't be starting with the songs right away for the next one though, because I still wanted to talk about the meaning of the name of this blog, what exactly would appear in this blog and how it goes, maybe even a bit self-introduction. I haven't even figured out the icon and header, and until I come up with one, I probably won't start talking about the songs just yet. Thank you for reading all this, to whoever out there who somehow came across this post. |-/

[akitchensinktome]

The Pantaloon

Before we take a look at the lyrics of the third song from Twenty One Pilots, let’s look into the song’s title and the term we hear throughout the song: “The Pantaloon”. According to Wikipedia, a Pantaloon (or Pantalone) is a character from commedia dell'arte, a form of theatre formerly called "Italian comedy" in English. He is an old wealthy man “with little else to occupy his thoughts after a life as a tradesman or merchant”. I quote this specifically because this line describes my late grandfather a lot. He ran a small business that raised my mother’s family. When he got really, really old, he’d occasionally ask about it out of nowhere, and we would assure him with a smile on our face, knowing in our minds he had forgotten that the business was already gone a long time ago. My grandfather wasn’t wealthy or greedy. There was just little else for his memory to remind him of, after half a life of working hard to support his family. In the same fashion, elders often talk about the war, and dementia patients often recall bits of their lives as working persons. All of these ties to that description of the character Pantaloon, as well as one of the main themes in this song: dementia, or at least, getting old and “losing one's mind” (and memory).

In 3 minutes and 33 seconds, a man’s life is told in a second-person pov. He had seen how his grandpa lost his mind and died. Eventually his father became the Pantaloon. Then, he is a Pantaloon. Throughout the song, we hear a recurring bass melody. I’d like to think that this bass line represents the end of an old man, both his cognitive decline and his death. After the intro verse, we first hear the melody line being played with other instruments. It’s with the other ones, a more distant issue. It’s also distant to the 9-year-old, all he knew was a slight peek into what the Pantaloon is: “you should never trust the Pantaloon” (*I’ll talk about this at the end). In verse 2, we can also hear it slightly when Tyler mentions “your dad”, reminding us that It has gotten “closer”, to you and to people “closer” to you. Verse 3, Tyler raps in third person pov with pretty much just the bass line. The character is now very conscious about what “death” is (because he has grown enough and seen enough to understand the concept), and what “getting old” is: physically getting weaker, and mentally losing the energy we once had, as we all “used to hustle all the people walking through the fairgrounds”, but we don’t have the energy to rush anymore, let alone going to the fairgrounds - a place often for the children and the youth to play in. Verse 3 also ends with “a Pantaloon” instead of “the Pantaloon”. Getting old isn’t that much of a big deal to use “the” anymore. What was once formidably “The Elder” in our young eyes, has become “just another old guy”, as the character is also just an old man at this point.

During the bridge, towards the last chorus and death of the character, Tyler sings along to the bass line. The melody has become the bass line. The person is facing death himself. For the phrase “you like to sleep alone”, I’d like to think that “sleep” can also mean dying. The person is used to colder bones (could be about feeling cold/sad at night/tough times, or in a literal sense, being more sensitive to cold temperature as he ages, as well as seeing more cold bodies of the dead as he grew). Death might still be scary, but the person has witnessed enough, so he is ready to “sleep” alone now.

The vocals of the choruses also add to the closing in of our end, and the meaning of the word “friends” changes as the song progresses. Tyler’s main vocal is calm and rather emotionless in chorus 1, as death is still distant to us. The friends who “fertilize the ground”, are more like the adult friends that may be our distanced relatives. In chorus 2, the main vocal is accompanied by a harmony. The friends here are the ones who died sooner than us, maybe even a close friend who died of some accident or tragedy. Chorus 3 starts with accepting “your” own end, and since every friend of your age has died, “you” decide to let go, so lose your mind. While losing one’s mind means that one has gone “crazy”, or in this context might relate to having dementia, a “mind” can also mean our consciousness, and losing it would simply mean death. And so, the person joins his friends, as the backing vocals and harmonies join in the last chorus.

But, at the very end everything goes quiet, and Tyler sings the phrase “lose your mind” all by himself. He did it in quite a weird way, almost like he’s laughing a bit. Remember how I mentioned that the character Pantaloon is from “Italian comedy”? This reminds me of a quote from Charlie Chaplin: “Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.” It feels like Tyler is directly singing to the listener here, telling us how funny it is that we all become a Pantaloon in the end, so much so it makes you lose your mind. (He probably has too, anyway, as the way he sings it also sounds like he’s lost his mind.) It is sad, it is cold, but it is inevitable, because this is life. So tragic, yet so ironic, that it is comedic. All of this is told, through the happy music and depressing lyrics, by The Pantaloon.

*To me, the line “you should never trust the Pantaloon” has two meanings. One is obvious, the Pantaloon deceives, he is sinister (which is a nature of the character Pantaloon) or you can’t trust his words because he has lost his mind. The other, though, is more about how you can’t always trust an elder’s ability to take care of themselves. My grandma would say she’s not tired even though I can clearly see her worn out face. Or in a more simple sense, I wouldn’t let her walk home by herself. They might overestimate their aging body’s ability, or they simply don’t want to be a burden so they urge you not to worry. But they are getting older. Especially for elders with serious dementia, you can’t really trust them on their own because they might not be capable of simply staying safe.

(I do not know much about dementia so I tried to speak more generally, but it is hard to avoid this topic and I apologize if I was wrong about it in any way.

[akitchensinktome]

Fall Away

(tw: self-harm)

Fall Away is quite straightforward about losing control of the dark side of the mind. As Tyler begins, “I don’t wanna fall, fall away”, he states that he doesn’t really want to lose this battle with his demons. But then the second time of the chorus comes, and the phrase “fall away” is split into a weird rhythm, “fall a” and “way”. I’d like to think that this is the “falling apart” mentioned in the pre-chorus. I could picture the words literally falling apart and not sticking together if they were in a lyrics video. This slight twist musically also tells us that Tyler is not holding it together. 

In the first verse, Tyler starts describing how he “disguises” as being “fine”. I personally (and I think a lot of us do as well) resonate with this way of living – pretending to be emotionally healthy but in fact we are struggling inside. Especially with the line “I don’t want your way, I want mine”. I have meds for my mental illness but there are times when I don’t want to or even refuse to take them. I don’t want to recover, I just want to let my mind take my life. And I think religiously this applies as well. It’s often said that God has His own plans and He gave us our purpose. But whatever that purpose is, I’m still struggling to find it, and even if I knew it, I wouldn’t want to fulfill it. It would mean that I have to go on in this life. But I just want to end it.

In a more literal sense, “keeping the lights on” to me is relevant to the line “And my skin, it will start to break up and fall apart”. In the middle of darker nights as I struggle with self harm, I would turn the lights off so my parents would think I’m asleep and won’t check up on me, while in fact I’m awake and hurting myself. Usually if I stay up late (which, unfortunately happens all the time ._.), I keep the lights on and do whatever I’m doing, art or music. I guess it sort of has turned into an indicator for myself that, if I keep the lights on, I won’t self harm. The obvious reason is because my parents might walk in on me. But there’s something about staying awake in an all dark room. It’s like light can no longer protect you from the dark thoughts in your head. You are within the darkness. You can’t even see yourself.

Another highlight of the lyrics is “my crime is my sentence” from the second verse. Essentially this is about death, or more specifically about taking one’s own life. When I’m at my lowest, to the point of contemplating death, there comes a line that I think has appeared in my diary multiple times now: “I should take my life. Even if it’s a sin, even if it hurts people, it would be my last time committing such a crime.” Tyler has precisely and cleverly put it into a new point of view. The way I punish myself is to commit a bigger crime. And in this same verse, we again see how Tyler is slowly “losing his mind”, as he states that he doesn’t even know if he’s dying or living, when back in the first verse, he has stated that he’s dying and trying, which means that at least he still knows that he is still fighting in this battle during the first verse. And honestly the reason why he’s fighting in verse 2 isn’t really a strong point as well. “‘Cause I will save face for name’s sake” as he said, the “name” here possibly either referring to God’s name or the family’s name, he doesn’t want to become a disgrace to others and God. But if I had to pretend to be fine in order to not become a failure, this is already in a way showing that I am in fact a failure, and I’m not living up to God’s or my family’s standard. Everyone wishes that I would eventually get better. But deep down I feel that it’s my destiny to be pulled towards my grave.

An interesting detail (that may or may not be Tyler’s intentions) that I noticed in this song is the “la la la la la~”’s throughout the chorus, and especially towards the end it’s the la-la-la’s and also the “woo~woo~wooo”’s in the background. I think that singing “la-la-la”’s is in a way showing that a person is in a light mood, but this vocalisation is put in a song where the persona is pretending to be fine. And together with a sadder tone of the woo’s in the back and somewhat tragic and melancholic music, I guess it’s another way of showing how the person is pretending to be happy despite all the battles in his head. In front of you, I could make up a smiley face and sing “lalala”. But in the back of my mind, the battlefield cries echo. |-/

[akitchensinktome]

Implicit Demand for Proof

The first song of the self-titled album, Twenty One Pilots. It has a long intro before the song actually begins, and I think that it’s an intro to not only the song itself, but also to the first album, and to this band. The piano. The beginning of everything, how Tyler used to sing everything all out with just this piano. It kind of is like “a normal day in my mind”. Alone. Being weak. Melancholy. (I can imagine one sitting in front of a piano, playing notes mindlessly, without really knowing where this music goes. At least that’s what I do as well when I’m down. Sometimes I just play randomly on the piano, maybe hoping to at least let something out.)

But then in the song “I” started to shift the blame to “you”, which is generally acknowledged as God. “I” starts to feel anger building up inside, feeling that this is not right – and questioning why God still hasn’t shown up. God should be able to do anything. Yet during this battle against my demons, I don’t see His power. 

In the song, the persona asked God sarcastically to “go ahead and make [him] look away” and “show [him His] face”. These two demands might sound weird at first. Now, I imagine that the person is yelling at the sky. He asks God to make him look away from his Lord, and to show him God’s face. Both are almost like punishments to a sufferer, with the former essentially meaning “to lose faith”, and the latter being an actual cause of death (according to the Bible, “But,” he said, “you cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live.” (Exodus 33:20)), as well as striking him down with lightning. When I question why God hasn’t shown up, shouldn’t I ask for Him to save me, instead of asking for a death sentence?

Well, to think about it, maybe that’s why it’s an “implicit” demand. It’s like asking to be killed, when in fact wanting to be saved. But at the same time, “I” probably thinks that he deserves to die, because he was doubting God. He was doubting God, teasing him, and moreover, telling God to do as he wished. Demanding God. Deciding what God should do for him. And that’s not a good attitude, as we are not the ones to tell what God should do. Thinking that these are all sins he has commited, “I” wishes to be destroyed. And this is where it’s left to the listener's interpretation. “Reign down, and destroy me”, or “Rain down, and destroy me”. Destroy me as a being, as “I” am guilty of so many things, or destroy me with water, and wash away the bad parts of me. Kill me, or save me by destroying my sinful thoughts. And I believe the latter is what the person truly wants/needs. That is the implicit part. While I plead to be destroyed and taken away from life, I actually just want God to destroy the dark thoughts in my head.

I do like how the music gets very quiet during the chorus. It’s as if Tyler is tired of searching for proof. And he just lets out five words. Just take me already. He knows that God is capable of saving him, forgiving him although he has left him so many times. This chorus is really him getting closer with God. It’s like those moments after having a fight with our best friends, when we decide that we don’t want to hurt our loved ones anymore. We might sit together with each other, calmly expressing our feelings, and at the end we get along again, because we’re important to each other, and we know that we don’t want this relationship to end.

After the second chorus, the music gets louder again, while Tyler is still pleading for God to destroy him. The crashes and cymbals to me sound like rain. I’d like to interpret it as God responding to his calls. Although Tyler is still having an emotional breakdown towards the end, now God is with him, and he knows that he can let it all out with God beside him. And then, the piano solo again. Peace, being stable, order. Just like how God created order out of chaos when He created the world. 

It is also interesting to note the weather-related terms in this song. Bad weather, to be exact. Raining, lightning, a dark hiding place (like how the sky gets dark during extreme weather). It’s possible that this is not the sky in reality, but the sky in the singer’s heart. For me, when my mood is so low, everything seems to be so gray. The world should be filled with colours, yet in my eyes I only see darkness. And I guess that’s how the persona sees the world as well. So dark, colourless, raining. And “I” don’t even wish for it to turn sunny anymore. Just rain down, and destroy me. But God answered with a slight twist – the rain doesn’t destroy, it calms. Just like how we’re able to sleep soundly in our bed while hearing the raindrops on the rooftop.

As a Christian myself, I do resonate a lot with the doubt and perplexity expressed in this song. I might keep asking for proof, but the truth is, the proof comes from my faith in God. Or, if you’re an atheist, the proof comes from your faith in your loved ones, be it your family, your friends, or people you trust. Believe that they’ll always be by your side, and at the end they’ll always show up with the exact right support you (might or might not know you) needed. |-/

[akitchensinktome]

Before we start our day (journey)

Just some stuff that might be important to mention beforehand? Doing this in a bullet-point form way to keep it clear and simple.

Why the name "A Kitchen Sink To Me"?

This phrase is from one of the band's songs, Kitchen Sink, the full line being "Because a kitchen sink to you, is not a kitchen sink to me". The "kitchen sink" in this song is essentially about creating meaning out of something. That "something" might seem ordinary to other people, but it means something to you, and you can hold on to that meaning that no one else shares in this world. I think it suits the name of this blog because I am pretty much creating meaning out of the lyrics of tøp songs here (which might or might not be the actual meaning Tyler has intended), and I also hold onto their songs because they mean something to me. These songs might mean different things to other people, even to you reading this right now. I am just writing about what kitchen sink is to me, both in the sense of what the lyrics mean and what I have made the songs to mean, which aren't the same as what they mean to you.

What will I talk about?

Besides the lyrics, I might also talk about the music in these songs, the titles, albums, mvs, stuff that I noticed in the band's performances, etc. I am not a professional critic in any of those things, it's just my personal thoughts and feelings. As I talk about the songs, I might include ideas inspired by the lyrics, not just ideas in the lyrics, and maybe personal experiences as well.

About Me, if anyone cares.

I became a fan around the start of the hiatus. I am definitely not the most hardcore one who owns every merch and goes to shows (not that I can anyway, I don't live in western countries and they probably only came here once during the Blurryface era). I don't know every lore theory and am not huge into the lore. I sort of "fell behind" during the SAI era, since most of my time during 2020~2021 was spent in the psych ward (barely any contact with the outside world) and I couldn't catch up on the lore and everything they've put out. I do write songs myself and draw sometimes. I'm not good with words, so these posts might be lengthy or hard to comprehend. English is not my first language, so I might misinterpret certain lines or write weird sentences. (I guess before anyone judges me for saying any stuff they disagree with, I'll just list out all the possible reasons which might contribute to that.)

I definitely won't post very frequently, and that's completely due to lack of motivation and nothing else (I can't blame work being busy when I don't have one...). These posts might seem more like rambles, I don't really plan before composing.

I hope I've said everything that's relevant. I will try my best to gain that motivation on making the icon and heading artworks before starting the journey with Twenty One Pilots, the self-titled album. |-/