A logbook following my attempts at Tulpamancing

Here I will document my progress, of what I make, in the process of making a Tulpa companion

[alderion]

My my a year since I’ve started this whole endeavor, and what a years it’s been. There’s been a fair share of up’s and downs, but I can safely say the positive vastly outweigh the negative. Alaefwyn had a wonderful time on her birthday, and here’s to many more. Of course Godric’s will be coming up…

[alderion]

I’m gonna reblog this every now and then in case people miss it, on the off chance some of you still want to (or start to!) keep in touch

[alderion]

My my a year since I’ve started this whole endeavor, and what a years it’s been. There’s been a fair share of up’s and downs, but I can safely say the positive vastly outweigh the negative. Alaefwyn had a wonderful time on her birthday, and here’s to many more. Of course Godric’s will be coming up...

[alderion]

I'm gonna reblog this every now and then in case people miss it, on the off chance some of you still want to (or start to!) keep in touch

[alderion]

1 year and 3 days - A birthday and a goodbye

My my a year since I've started this whole endeavor, and what a years it's been. There's been a fair share of up's and downs, but I can safely say the positive vastly outweigh the negative. Alaefwyn had a wonderful time on her birthday, and here's to many more. Of course Godric's will be coming up shortly, and we will be doing something for him in the wonderland too.

[Goodness me a year. I feel old already, of course, that's hardly anything but you know! If any of you would like to chat just keep reading on below :3 ]

I'm sure you've noticed that I have hardly been as active as I used to be on this blog, and so I think it would be a good time to put it on a permanent hiatus. I won't be deleting the blog since it'll be nice to keep the logs here. If you would like to stay in touch, you are more than welcome to shoot me an ask and I can give you my contact details for skype or something. I will keep tabs on this blog for a while to look out for any messages if any of you are interested.

If that's a little bit too personal for you then there is always my alternative blog that I use for everything else, siophis.tumblr.com 

[alderion]

Given up counting how many days it is until we reach Alaefwyn's 1st full year. Until then, Alaefwyn slept on her own for the very first time a couple of days ago. Previously we've always gone to sleep at the same time, so this is a fairly big milestone in her own independence.

[alderion]

On another note: http://vocaroo.com/i/s1KwGysgRqr4

[alderion]

Day #24X Birth and Birthdays

4 days ago Alaefwyn turned 8 months, 2/3 of the way to a full year, yay!

4 days ago I also acquired a new tulpa, Mikey, yay!

Details underneath

So Mikey is a young boy, aged around 8-10 years old in form. He is energetic, is pretty good at swimming and loves singing.

He is me. As a child.

Let me explain, now some of this is merely speculation and I can't say for certain if it's truth or not, so you'll have to bear with me. And I'll try to keep it shorter this time since it ties back to the previous post about mod problems.

If you read my previous post, you would know that I've been seeing a therapist and a recent session has sparked emotional breakdowns. The cause of this is from being bullied as a child, and locking up those emotions to not give a reaction to the bullying, so they'd leave me alone faster. The result of this has been over a decade of my brain training itself to beat down and lock away emotions even when I'm not being bullied.

Some of you MIGHT remember that very early in Alaefwyn's development, a mask took over her face. A horrible malicious thing that I couldn't get rid of for a day. Well, we had another instance of that coming back a few weeks later, when Alaefwyn got very emotional. This mask, was what is now Mikey. I think that ever since I started bottling up emotion, this "mask" was slowly building up, a store of all my emotions and in it's raw form was comprised of anger and hatred.

Ever since I've been having my breakdowns, my emotions have been leaking and it's been an outlet for the mask, and sometimes I've noticed some of the voices that throw insults at me felt different, not just a random voice conjured up by my head.

From the 16th to the 20th, I've been on a college trip to Belgium. I got diarrhoea, and now have a very nasty cold. When I got back, I had another breakdown about how I can't trust my body to do anything right. Instead of just wallowing in whatever feelings came to me, I sat and wrote down an informal letter that would be intended for my therapist to read. I was angry as I wrote it, and this was the final outlet the mask needed to fully express itself.

After I finished, and had calmed down, I had a new voice in my head, Mikey. I am confident that he is a younger me, it makes too much sense when you look back at everything leading up to his creation, as well as all of his little traits and mannerisms. On top of that, when deciding he wanted to try an instrument and went with piano, he conjured up the same piano that belonged to my old tutor from that age.

So although he is me, he won't actually grow up to be me, if that's even possible with tulpa as I can nurture him properly, safe from bullies among other things.

[alderion]

Non-tulpa related mod problems under the cut

This is probably going to be quite long, so buckle up.

I've mentioned my problems at college before, my illness, how I'm not coping with stress. That I've been stuck in a cycle for 4 years of repeating at school/college. Well this year with some encouragement from a friend I asked for therapy to my parents. I've tried it once before at school, in the first year things started to go wrong, and I had 2 sessions before I decided they weren't helpful. We found someone that works in the nearest town, has multiple qualifications in various forms of therapeutic methods, can give therapy for practically everything, and has 20 years of experience. So it seemed like a clear winner that we give this woman a chance.

I've had 3 sessions with her so far, the most recent being the 4th. In the previous 3 we've been talking about how I can help manage my stress, and touching on plans for the future. Nothing spectacular had happened and progress was minimal in terms of helping my life. In the last session, I can't even remember what we talked about for most of it. At some point she said she noticed that I was quite emotionless while talking to her. I knew the reason for this, but she is the type of person to keep talking unless you interrupt them, and I don't like interrupting people so I had to wait until 10 minutes before the session ended before I got a chance.

I explained that it was because in my childhood, I was bullied. There were two boys, one as the leader. He was fairly charismatic and would turn more people against me when possible. I was hurt emotionally and physically, as insults, kicks and punches were thrown at me frequently. I learned that if I didn't show any reaction, they would get bored faster and leave me alone. Of course it didn't stop them from trying again, but it was better than nothing. So I learned to bottle up my emotions, suppress them, if I didn't feel then I wouldn't get hurt as much. I became stubborn too, this was my problem, I didn't want to get anyone else involved because it wasn't their problem in the first place.

I explain this to my therapist for the last ten minutes, to which she says she's delighted, obviously what happened is terrible, but perhaps that this could be the root in a lot of my problems.

I go home, and don't think much of it. I go about my daily business until I try to sleep...which is when I didn't expect what happened next. Being truly alone with my thoughts, I start to get bombarded with all kinds of thoughts. Terrible ones. Thoughts that attacked any sense of self worth that I had. Things like "What even am I anymore, if I'm emotionless, and not going anywhere in life?" "I'm a husk, I've got no use" "What a pitiful excuse for a human I am, if I can even call myself that" "I'm such a waste of time and space to everyone" "I'm letting them all down". You get the idea. I start crying, something I rarely do as a result of bottling up my emotions. I try to push these thoughts away, as has become an automatic reaction. My mind has trained itself to push down any negative, and positive feelings for fear of making myself vulnerable. But I can't, they keep coming. It is now that I realise I really hate myself. I end up crying myself to sleep.

The next day I'm still a little emotionally unstable, but I could fight that down by distracting myself with college. That night, it happens again. The final straw was when mum appeared fed up with me, saying that she'd had enough and I should get myself up in the morning. She's normally very supportive, I'm lucky to have a parent as supportive as she is, so to see her like that just made me feel even worse. My mind is filled with her voice throwing all kinds of insults at me. Calling me worthless, useless scum, a disgrace, anything along those lines. I try asking Alaefwyn and Godric for support, but even my mind twists their words into insults as well. At this point I've completely lost any sense of value I have. I'm scared, this goes against years of what how I've taught myself to handle things. Emotions make me weak, crying means I've lost. If I can't even uphold that, what am I? I end up crying myself to sleep again.

The next day I have college again. I am still emotionally unstable, and I end up nearly breaking down in college. Those same kinds of thoughts started popping in to my head during the first lesson, when I was becoming unable to do work. I could fight the tears back, but only just. I was considering leaving and going to the toilets to cry, but I didn't want to make a scene, make it clear I needed help - stemming back from not wanting to make it anyone else's problem. The day progresses and I'm having to fight it all day long, until I get home and rush up to room, and cry for a while. That night I wasn't so much flooded with any particular thoughts, but I still felt a great sadness, and cried myself to sleep yet again.

And that brings me to today. It is currently morning as I am writing this, and it was painful doing so but I need to in order to remember everything for the next session, as my therapist will definitely need to hear this. What's happening is extremely painful, but I understand this could very well be the start of some important self healing. Of undoing over a decade of training myself to not do what I don't even realise I'm doing anymore. I don't know why talking about it briefly for 10 minutes sparked such a reaction, when I have talked about my past before to other people, but the mind works in mysterious ways.

[alderion]

Day #21X - Not dead

I am still very much dealing with sleep problems, which means I have not been able to do much with my tulpa.

On the bright side, we had a heavy flurry of snow for like 15 minutes, which coated the hills in a good a white as we've had all winter. On the way home Alaefwyn was very happy to see the place white.

[alderion]

When you receive this, please list 5 things you like about yourself and send this to your 10 favourite followers!

Oh umm, this won't be in a particular order of most like about myself to least it'll just be random so:

1. My hair, it's all ginger and wavy and just generally nice and I like it.

2. I'm tall, being 6'1" means I can see over the heads of everyone in a crowd, which is fun.

3. My voice, it's been serving me well this year and as a result I'm learning to not hate it.

4. I'm nice I suppose? I know it's dangerous calling myself that nowadays because of the whole *tips fedora* thing and all that but still, people have said that about me.

5. A willingness to learn and teach. If I get caught out on not knowing something, then I'm not going to be a dick about it and stick to my guns, I'm going to ask to be told about it, or look it up myself. And to a similar extent, I love to teach people when they don't know about things either

[alderion]

Day #181

I don't normally do new year's resolutions because I forget about them after a month. But this time I feel it's needed. I'm going to try and force more. In my current state that's very difficult, so I owe it to them when I get better to spend as much time as I can with them.

[alderion]

So Nameless-traveler commissioned Wind-box on DA to do the lineart for this magnificent piece, and then coloured it herself! All as a Christmas present, I really can't thank you enough for this x.x

So yes! That is what Alaefwyn looks like guys! Now you know!

[alderion]

Basically I tried telling another friend about tulpas, did not go as well as I'd hoped.

[alderion]

I fucked up.

Too tired to talk about it right now, I need sleep, I'll make a post in the morning. Nothing happened to Godric and Alaefwyn, they're fine.

[alderion]

Day #170

It's Alaefwyn's 6th monthday! It's been a whole half a year since I started, well here's to the next half ^^

[katandsherlock]

Amy has her own blog now.

{Hello, lovely followers. I have my own blog now. ~}

Could all you guys please follow her? I guess it would mean a lot to her. ^^

[alderion]

Just gonna give a quick promo for a dear friend of ours

[alderion]

Insomnia is still very much a problem, but Alaefwyn and Godric do feel a bit stronger again.

[suethetulpa]

If you’re having problems with insomnia, try making the exercise of relaxing every single muscle, and not moving them in the slightest. One by one, relax them, don’t move them, start at...

[alderion]

Thanks, I'll give this a try but forgive my scepticism that it won't work. Being physically tired is the problem, it's my mind unable to rest. Still, I will try it regardless, I'll take any help I can get

[alderion]

Day #165

Insomnia is still very much a problem, but Alaefwyn and Godric do feel a bit stronger again.