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@alicetheangel
Organizational links
https://www.tumblr.com/alicetheangel/tagged/alicetheangelpersonal
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Hi, if you're seeing this scheduled post, I have died yesterday. I have no regrets. Thank you for reading my blog and supporting me through my journey.
I haven't eaten in almost two days, and I feel so ill and weak. I wish I didn't have to feel this way before my death, but i need to endure it a little longer.
my body might is alive, but my soul died years ago
In the end, I have decided to write a goodbye letter in my mother tongue.
I apologized for leaving my loved ones and told them I was grateful for their help, but I couldn't find any more strength to continue. I know that nothing will change my condition. That they shouldn't blame anyone, since it's my decision and I hope that they understand. Most importantly, I wrote that I love them and will miss them.
Feeling anxious about dying, I don't know if it's because I'm afraid of if I'm excited. It's going to be painful, but at least the pain is temporary. I honestly don't want to wait and just do it now, but I need to force myself to just hold on for a little more, so there will be less room for error.
I feel so guilty for living, but then I also feel guilty for wanting to kill myself.
Yes, I'm a horrible person for killing myself and thus hurting others, I know that.
Preparing my literal deathbed.
I had a nightmare today where some girl was going to tell my parents my plans, and she was trying to extort me. I can't help feeling paranoid about others finding out.
I want someone in real life to care about me, but not to the extent of not allowing me to die. Is such balance even possible?
Yes, it is. I got very lucky.
The only apprehensive feeling I have about death is the guilt of leaving people behind. But if I decide not to kill myself, I will still live with some of the guilt, or perhaps I will even feel more of it for some other reason. I will also be unhappy, only staying alive for others. The only thing that guarantees the absence of feeling is death, which seems like the better option to me.
Recently, there have been random people popping up in my life. A girl from a club, my middle school friend that ghosted me, and my bully. Why are they interested in me, and how did they find me? And why now of all times?
Every day, I feel so disappointed when I wake up from the tranquil pseudo-death called sleep. I can't wait to die for real.
Hello, Alice! I know this question towards suicidal people is often asked in bad faith and in an attempt to humiliate them, but I am genuinely curious: have you considered doing something that is usually avoided because it has consequences before you die..?
I am asking that as someone who does genuinely find himself jealous of suicidal people while thinking about all the cool and selfless things I would do if I didn't fear death.
For me the things I think about are usually political, martyring myself for a cause I believe in (Grinevitsky style) and stuff. But for people that don't have strong beliefs in that regard it can be something as simple as gambling all your money away in a casino, or donating all that you have and any organs you can(although I get avoiding the last one as it would greatly impact your life quality for the final days of your life).
Sorry if my phrasing is a mess but you probably know what I mean. Again I'm asking this 100% genuinely
Hey Shafran, thank you for your question. Don't apologize, I understand what you mean. I'm committing suicide for selfish reasons, and I don't want to use my death for some kind of activism or cause. I'm just dying alone at home. Nothing newsworthy.
As for the reckless behavior, I am not the type of person to want to indulge in this sort of thing, as it may draw attention or jeopardize my suicide. Also, I don't want to affect people's lives too much, even if I won't get any consequences for it. I'm already doing enough harm.
The problem stops existing once you stop caring about it.
Alice. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that life hasn't been kind, I wish you every happiness, every joy, I wish I could pull you out of this apathy but I fear it has whispered too many sweet nothings into your ears that you have become deaf to hope, to passions, love, reason. I wish and pray on every star that you get help, online, in person, anywhere because it is everywhere even when you can't see it. It is there. It is here. I hope you find a reason to live, I hope you believe in yourself. I believe in you.
Hi, anon. I'm sorry for worrying you. Thank you for your kind words. I've already gotten all kinds of help, to no avail. There will never be a reason to live, nor do I want one. I do believe in myself. I believe that I am brave enough to finally end it.
