a little cup of tea

sometimes words are the only things left 

[alittlecupoftea]

moving sites

I will be posting all things writing on my wordpress 

-- 

http://lipstickstainonmycoffeecup.wordpress.com/

[alittlecupoftea]

how to lose a love

I yelled in anger

I turned away in fear

I let you down in tears

I called you a monster because monsters are all I’ve known

Little did I realize you are different than the rest

I ignored your heart

because I had none

lost it in a battle

with a terrible monster

I’ve never been this loved before

I’ve never felt this care

this comfort

belonging

[alittlecupoftea]

the lake and his kind eyes

She stepped foot in the dark forest, branches scratching at her bare shoulders. She wrapped her arms around herself as she was shivering from the cold. She wished he was here to help keep her warm but she knew he was lost, somewhere deep in the woods, far from her reach. She was afraid she would never get to him. She couldn’t help but cry, the tears warm as they streamed down her cheeks, her shoulders shuddering. She whispered his name to herself over and over again, hoping he would magically appear in front of her. His absence scared her and the way she missed him hurt her.

He meant the world to her. She would do anything for him, even give her life. She wanted him safe and sound, happy and warm. Without him, she thought she would be nothing, just skin and bones. She thought she couldn’t survive without seeing his face for another minute, hearing his voice, breathing his breath.

Love is a little crazy like that, she thought. It’d make you do anything once you realize it. It had taken her a while to realize she had fallen so deeply in love with him. She noticed the strong feelings as she did little things for him to make sure he was comfortable and happy. His comfort was more important than hers, she realized. At the time, she didn’t know what love was. She didn’t know it would make her go a little insane. She noticed that she missed him the minute he left. She wanted to call him to hear his sleepy voice, to find out if he got home okay. She often wondered what she would do if he were gone. She didn't think she could live to tell the tale. 

He was standing there in front of her now. Her breath caught in her throat. Her lips spread into a wide smile and her heart swelled up with relief and love. She found him, he was actually here. She had been upset at the idea of losing him. She thought she would lose herself too. She didn’t know what to do without him. She composed herself and approached him slowly, arms open to wrap around him. He stood there emotionless, like a stone. The more she walked, the further away from her reach he became. She started running but it was as though she were on a treadmill. She pushed herself faster in a panic. She screamed his name, broke down and begun sobbing on her knees. She couldn’t reach him. She couldn’t hold him. She couldn’t kiss him. He was gone.

It was a dream she woke up from and cried. That morning was rough and she couldn’t get through the day without crying. All she could see were his eyes, those straight, long lashes of his and his lopsided grin as he told her they could never be together. Her eyes fluttered open and she realized where she was now, winter air biting at her face and exposed hands. 

I never loved you, his voice ran in her head. She had believed otherwise. She shuddered at the memory of his stone cold words, or was it from the chilly breeze? She remembered that night clearly, how she had teared up in front of him. His rejection of her heartfelt love letter pained her. She wanted to be numb, hence why she was standing out here in the freezing cold. She hoped she would freeze to death. In front of her lay the lake, partly frozen, partly swimming to the wind’s song. 

She couldn’t see into the deep waters. It was pitch dark and her tears were clouding her vision and her judgement. Further out she saw the city’s lights, thought about him somewhere partying, intoxicated and happy. All she wanted was for him to be content and since she strongly believed he would be happier without her, she contemplated suicide, drowning in the cold lake water. She cared about his well-being over her own. She checked her phone one last time to see his handsome face. She smiled a sad sweet smile looking at his face and his twinkling eyes. In this picture, she believed he was looking at her as she stood off to the side. It hurt her to feel these emotions when she knew he didn’t want her in the same way she wanted him. It was a pain she oftentimes winced from. She tried to keep away the tears by shutting her eyes tight. She let out a scream, hearing nothing but the waves sloshing against the cliffside. The tears were slow, then she sobbed, clutching at her empty chest. She was hoping to feel her heartbeat, a signal of life, but couldn’t find it. She quickly wiped at her face, scared by the absence of a heartbeat. She knew she wasn’t alive anymore, she was just a skeleton harbouring a carcass. She breathed in and out, trying to calm down, but she couldn’t stop feeling heavy and weak. She said his name out loud, once and then twice. She kept saying it until she could breathe again, feeling a certain sense of calm.

Her phone pinged. She looked down to see a notification that he’d posted something new. She swiped it open only to feel her heart shatter. It was a picture of him, smiling wide, next to a pretty girl dressed in pink. His eyes. She closed her eyes to see his kind, sparkling eyes. It was what she fell in love with, the kindness in his eyes.

She stared down at the lake, the dark cold waters. This was it, she knew. This was love and she couldn’t have it. What was the point of a life, then? She threw her phone into the waters, imagined herself in that same depth, sinking into the abyss. She went to find rocks to put in her pockets. She angrily stomped over, placed big chunks of rock in her pockets, and stared down at the angry, dark lake. She couldn’t imagine a life without him. She couldn’t bear seeing him with someone else, happier without her. The fact that she meant nothing to him pummelled her to the waters. She sunk into the lake, gasping for air but instead finding water entering her lungs. She tried to scream but she could only see, hear and feel the icy cold water. She let herself drown, deep into the lake where no one would find her for days. She thought about his kind eyes and caged heart. She hoped in their next life, they would be one and the same, a love that happened.

[alittlecupoftea]

i’ll be there for you

She glanced at him from across the room. He was quickly typing an email and she could watch him all day. She wanted to walk past him and catch his eyes. She wanted that feeling she got whenever he looked at her, the happiness that sprung in her chest. She was tempted to interrupt his intense focus by going up to him with her good news but thought about how unprofessional that would be. They weren’t friends, merely coworkers. Yet, she was a deer caught in headlights whenever he met her eyes. She was a complete fool, head over heels for him because he was one in a million. She knew he meant more to her than any of those school girl crushes she had had in the past. He had no idea she felt this way about him. If she were to ever slip and spill her feelings, she would be ready with denial. She harbored these feelings inside of her, hating herself for them. It was dangerous yet her heart was wild and fervently desired him.

She stopped in her tracks as he caught her eyes, a deer. He smiled and she cheerfully returned the smile, unable to keep on moving. He waved her over to his desk and she slowly approached him. She waited for him to give her an assignment, a task he needed help with. He was professional and he never overstepped boundaries.

She looked at his computer screen as he showed her something, then quickly glanced at his face for a moment, catching a glimpse of his pink lips, long lashes. She noticed that he was blushing. His cheeks were flaming pink. She met his eyes, wondering what on earth he was blushing for. She wanted to reach out and caress his cheeks but how unprofessional would that be? She shuddered at the thought and raised her chin, as though to ask him what was going on. He showed her his computer screen and explained the dilemma he was in. He needed her help with a file. She nodded, assuring him she would get right on it, enabling professionalism to the core.

She started to walk away, disappointed, when she heard her name. Her name coming out of his mouth always had a special ring to it. She turned around and looked at him, butterflies in her stomach.

“How are you?”

She knew he was referring to the incident last week. They had left things awkward between them after he’d witnessed her having a mental breakdown. She was a mess and he stood by her side, despite the tears and the anger. Things between them were different after that. They had gone past their professional relationship, boundaries broken. She hadn’t expected him to be caring and endearing. She hadn’t expected herself to break down there in the hallway but she had and he was there to help her through it with open ears. He wasn’t disgusted or annoyed by her weakness. He somehow understood her and her anger. He stayed with her in silence as she sobbed and spoke. He didn’t ask any questions, only assured her that things would be okay in the end. She had asked what would it be if things weren’t okay. He smiled and said that it wouldn’t be the end then, would it?

She gave him a quick smile and a nod now. She shrugged, as if to brush that mental breakdown away. She was ashamed of it, those tears and those feelings exposed. She hadn’t wanted him to witness her like that.

“I’m okay, thanks.” Her words barely made it out of her mouth. He walked towards her with a smile.

“That’s good to hear.” He reached past her for the empty envelopes behind her. “Just know I’m here whenever you need me,” he quietly said. It happened quickly but she smelled a whiff of his cologne as he reached past her. Combined with his words, she melted. He walked back to his desk smiling, leaving her there to wonder how her heart could be so goddamn impressed. It was thudding quickly and she was envious her heart could react. She, on the other hand, stood there, trying to collect herself. Her hands were trembling with temptation. While he went back to his desk and continued working, she hurriedly exited the floor to the bathroom, gasping for air.

[alittlecupoftea]

mazhai nila

The rain made the streets look different, a haunting atmosphere. The streetlights lit up the damp streets, giving emphasis to the puddles left by the rain. There was a calm feeling set by the wet roads and rain softly drizzling. He breathed in the sweet smell of the summer storm and glanced at her, hoping she felt the happiness he felt. They were sat, side by side, sheltered from the rain. Their legs dangled over the ledge, their knees touching. She nudged her shoulder against his which made him giddy with glee. They shared stolen glances at each other. While there was something between them, they were shy and scared of what could be something beautiful. It was raining lightly now. She stretched out her arm to feel the cool water on her hand. He watched as she smiled, excited by the rain.

Just a few hours ago, they were inside, enjoying the party. Their mutual friend was the host. She was hesitant to go because she knew he would be there. She was weak at her knees whenever he looked at her and she hated that feeling. She couldn't let herself feel this way towards someone who was taken. She knew about his girlfriend through mutual friends. Although she hadn't heard it from his mouth or seen them together, she knew that she could never be his. It upset her when she felt weak at her knees or butterflies in her stomach. She continued letting her guard down several times only to be reminded time and time again that he was taken by someone else. She didn't want to go to this party. The idea of seeing him with his girlfriend scared her. Yet she found her way to the party and there he was, standing with a glass of whiskey in his hand and no plus one. Even then, she stood her ground and controlled her emotions. She busied herself with friends, the dance floor.

They stumbled upon each other later at the bar. He was getting himself yet another glass of whiskey and she was trying to loosen up just enough nerves to get on the dance floor. He initiated the conversation, standing close enough to her he could smell her subtle floral perfume. She smiled at him, nervous of the feelings that arose whenever she looked at his eyes.
He asked her how she was doing, whether she was enjoying herself or not.

She managed to smile and nod, asking him how he was doing in return.

He took his drink and nodded.
“I'm doing great.”


He had already had some to drink but she figured he was sober enough to make smart decisions for himself. Drunk or not, since she loved him, she made the better decision and started walking away. He called after her and she turned around against her better judgement.

"Come sit with us." he tipped his head in the direction to his table. He offered his hand. She hesitantly took it and walked with him, nudging past several other people. She sat beside him, both of them sipping on their drinks. Eventually he asked her to join him outside for a smoke. It was much quieter out there. He took out a cigarette from his coat pocket, started inhaling it. She watched as he smoked, inhaling when he offered it to her. The rain started shortly after. They ran towards the back doors. There was a ledge he helped her climb onto. They were covered from the rain yet had a perfect view of the rainfall. She looked at him, watching him watch the rain. His hair, face and lashes were wet with the rain. She imagined wiping away the rain from his face, smoothing out his hair. She knew she wouldn't be able to sit here for any longer without these thoughts bothering her.


“Your girlfriend,” she started.
He looked at her and waited for her to speak.
“I don't want this to be...” she was having trouble forming thoughts. “Your girlfriend wouldn't be happy with this, you and I sitting out here like lovers.”

He let out a loud chuckle. He shook his head and whispered, “I don't have a girlfriend.”
She let out a sigh of relief. She was glad yet this brought on more questions.

“So, what would you call this anyway?”

“You and I?” he asked for clarification, looking at her.

She nodded.


He shrugged. “Love?”


“Love,” she whispered, testing out the word.

[alittlecupoftea]

1:33am 08/29/15

I’m not thinking straight right now. Somehow, I’m sick to my stomach with the idea that I’m alone. It hurts. However pathetic as it sounds to say and hear, I’m lonely. And somehow it all comes back to you. I don’t know what it is about him. I can never seem to escape him. I’m relapsing. Maybe it’s not even the absurd idea that he could love me back but just that I have liked him for so long to let go. I can’t seem to let go. I don’t know but is it possible to miss someone you’ve never known? I just miss seeing him. I’m trying not to but ... I miss him and want him all the same. Even though, damn it, he’s his own person and probably has a girlfriend now, in which case, these feelings are wrong to be felt. Regardless, these feelings shouldn’t exist... but they do, don’t they? They’re real and true and dear and it hurts.

[alittlecupoftea]

9:23p 08/27/15

You know, I’m a simple gal. Perhaps a little too simple. I think sometimes simple lacks something, perhaps a lot of things. And maybe that’s why you will never like me. I’m too simple, not enough. As much as I want to become better, for you, for myself, I can’t. I am the way I am. I can’t help falling... I can’t help wondering if simple and extraordinary can be together. 

[alittlecupoftea]

2AM August ramblings

you meet someone

and they’re so important 

they become so close

but then you fall out

lose a friend

and maybe a part of yourself 

then what becomes of you?

you become lost with this absence

almost go delusional

eventually you learn to adapt 

of course it sucks to have met someone

and have become familiar with their ways

only to lose them in the end

after going through hell and back with them

it sucks 

but in the end

you came into this world alone

and you will die alone

[alittlecupoftea]

drugstore lockdown

He watched her walk in, the AC blowing her hair into her face. She looked up at him as she walked past the cash register, a small smile appearing on her face as she noticed him. She had been coming to the drugstore regularly since she had moved here last month and she always smiled when she saw him. His presence was warm and friendly. He seemed like he would be a good listener and she wanted to get to know him but didn’t know how to initiate a conversation with him. Before she could pass by, she spontaneously waved at him. She ducked into the chocolate aisle right after, her cheeks flaming red. She wouldn’t admit it to herself but she had a tiny crush on him.

The hazelnut chocolate bars, her favourite, distracted her from her thoughts of him. She didn’t notice him approach her.

“Do you need any help?” he asked, looking at the chocolates.

She turned, surprised to see him, and shyly shook her head. “No, I’m okay.” She glanced at his name tag for show and added his name. She had already learned his name a couple of weeks ago when she was cashing out her purchases. She had quickly looked at his name tag then and then smiled when she learned his name was Nav. She liked that name.

“Naveenan,” he told her his full name and stuck out his hand. “Nav for short.”

“Janavi,” she blurted out her name, her voice quiet. She couldn’t stop smiling. They firmly shook hands and then she quickly turned to the chocolate bars. She was blushing again. She hoped he hadn’t noticed.

“Hazelnut chocolate?” he asked, picking one from the shelves.

“They’re my favourite.” She chose another one from the shelves and stared at the packaging.

While they were conversing about the different kinds of chocolate bars and which ones were their favourites, the automatic doors at the front of the store snapped shut. People who were about to enter couldn’t get the doors to open. Was the automatic function broken? People were trying to pry the doors apart but they wouldn’t budge. Janavi and Nav were in their own world as everyone around them started making a quiet fuss over the mysteriously shut doors. People done with their shopping wanted to get out but the doors wouldn’t open for them either.

It was the loud scream that broke apart Nav and Janavi from their conversation which had absorbed the two’s attention. There was another scream and Janavi, startled, dropped her chocolate bar. Nav looked at her with confusion.

“What was that?” Janavi whispered, picking up the chocolate bar.

Nav was shaking his head and trying to determine what the commotion was about when his manager came up behind him. “We need you, Nav.” He gave Janavi a quick look and disappeared into the staff room with his manager and coworkers. Janavi was curious and anxious. She turned towards the door only to see the wild commotion, a big crowd by the doors. Everyone inside was freaking out over the closed doors.

Janavi asked someone nearby what was going on. A woman in a floral-printed dress explained how the doors abruptly closed shut with no way to open them. She was starting to panic but then turned around to see Nav and his coworkers approaching the crowd. Seeing him had a calming effect on her.

The manager cleared her throat. “There seems to be something wrong with the front door but we can escort you all to the emergency exit at the back.”

Everyone followed in a line towards the back of the store. Nav found Janavi and told her how weird the entire thing was. At the doors, the manager let out a frustrated shout. It was locked and her key wasn’t working. It settled in that they were all locked in with no way out. Everyone wondered how this was happening and why. Nav frowned and tried pushing against the door with his full strength. Janavi watched as his arms hit against the door. She gently touched his forearm and pulled him away when she realized there was no use. The manager went to call the police only to find that the phones were not working. No one had service. The sky outside was dark and everyone could only hope for the best. Janavi and Nav stuck together, wondering the same thing everyone else was wondering. What was going on?

Janavi and Nav were sure that the situation would be resolved. They thought everything would be okay but then they heard another scream, this one louder than the others. It had come from the back. Janavi and Nav rushed toward the scream and found a pool of blood on the floor leading towards the staff room. Janavi’s arm instinctively sprung to Nav’s forearm. She held on, pleading for him to stay. He turned to look at her and she dropped it, afraid he would say something. He took her hand, interlocking his fingers with hers. He wrapped her in a hug and gave her a small smile. They both needed that sense of calm.

“I need to go in.” Nav whispered.

Janavi nodded. She wasn’t going to let him go by himself. They hesitantly walked to the staff room. What they saw behind the door forever changed them, creating a bond between them that they couldn’t share with anyone else.

“Fuck,” Janavi shouted. “What is that?”

Nav was shaking his head in disbelief, his stomach turning. He was shocked at the huge creature that stood in front of them. He took Janavi’s hand and quickly pulled them out of the room. They shut the door behind them and ran as far away from the room as they could.

Janavi was stuttering. Fear did that to her. She was shaking and freaking out. Nav made her sit down, sat beside her and told her to breathe in and out.

“We need to think about what to do.” he whispered. He was trying to come up with a plan but all that ran in his head was confusion and fear. He was usually calculated, coming up with immaculate plans, but right now, he was stunned and silent.

“We need to get out of here. Before whatever got my manager gets us too.”

Screams erupted before she could agree. They quickly got up and ran. Everyone was running. Things were knocked off shelves, brave people using harder objects to throw at the thing chasing after them. It was walking towards people, slow like a zombie but masked like a demon. It occurred to someone to break the glass doors by throwing something heavy at it. The crash set off the alarm system and flashing red lights turned on. The store lights turned off, replaced by these flashing lights. Nav could hardly see Janavi’s face or anything around them. He took her hand and they rushed for the doors, hoping to escape the madness inside the store.

Janavi lost Nav amid the crowd. She screamed his name, tears welling up in her eyes. Her heart dropped at the possibility of losing him. She found him behind a group of people and grabbed his hand, promising to never let go. They quickly made their way to the humid summer’s air where they felt safer.

“Jesus, what was that thing?” Nav breathed out, regaining his breath.

Janavi shrugged her shoulders and gave his arm a pull. “Let’s just get out of here.”

He gave the drugstore he had worked at one last look before nodding at Janavi and running away from the three-headed monster.

[alittlecupoftea]

The Dead Woman

She got off the train and felt a rush of cold air as the train swept past her. She shivered, feeling both cold and vulnerable. She felt a bit safer, away from that subway platform. She didn’t know where she was now, but at least she was far away from him. She had been certain someone had been following her. She kept looking behind her, paranoid. She headed down 49th Street, hoping she could catch a cab.

She had noticed him the minute she entered the subway station after work. Her work day had been long and exhausting but she had still noticed him trailing behind her. He wore a baseball cap so she wasn’t able to see his face. She didn’t want to turn her head to see if he was still there but she noticed him get on the train with her. She avoided his direction but she could feel his stare. His eyes, like daggers, were sharp on her. She kept her eyes on the doors and decided on whether or not she should get off. She decided to get off when she hesitantly glanced over at him and he was staring at her. He turned his head the minute she looked at him, as if trying to make sure she wouldn’t get a good look at his face. She got off as a rush of people came in. She speed walked away from the train, not caring where she was. She ran up the stairs and out of the station where she breathed, no longer feeling suffocated.

She walked north onto 7th Avenue, hoping to find a coffee shop. She had been around this area once before. She had had a long day and needed to sit and breathe. She didn’t want to be constantly on the run away from her fears. Her heart rushed as she saw the familiar baseball hat once again. It was the same colour and the man was the same build. But his jacket was different. She shook her head and hurried down the street. She decided to hail a cab and go home. She could open a bottle of wine and watch TV, relaxing on her couch.

She opened the door to her apartment after the long taxi ride only to find the lights turned on. For a second she stood there, wondering if she should step away and walk out. Then she told herself that maybe she had left the lights on before she left for work, that she was just being paranoid. It had been a gloomy dark morning and she needed the lights to read paperwork before she had left for work. She closed the door behind her and dropped her bag and keys on the counter. She let out a startled scream when she saw him sitting on her couch.

“Who are you?” she said, taking steps backward.

The man took off his baseball cap and smiled. She saw his face clearly now. She let out an appalled gasp.  

“What are you doing here?” she asked, her body trembling with fear. She slowly stepped backwards, hoping to run out of her apartment before he got to her.

He smiled wickedly, showing his fanged teeth. “Don’t be afraid,” he whispered. He put his hands around her neck, laughing all the while. She let out a scream, scratching at his hands, trying to pull him away.

“Get off of me!” she screamed.

He was strong. He was also full of anger and hatred. “You deserve this,” he yelled as he dropped her lifeless body to the ground. He let out a maniacal laugh and walked away. Did she deserve this?

[alittlecupoftea]

The Thing

The backyard was a mess. It looked like a tornado had passed through. I clutched my chest as I took in the sight of the blood. There was so much blood. It was everywhere. On the grass, the inflatable pool. Even the table where all the party snacks were. I searched through the mess for Lila, my precious little girl. She had to be here somewhere. I didn’t know where Siva had gone. Lila’s birthday party had been going perfectly until that thing showed up. I didn’t know what to do. I took out my phone to call the cops but I didn’t know how I could begin to explain this to them. I didn’t know how I was going to explain this to all of Lila’s friends’ parents. Starting to get a panic attack and wondering where the hell everyone had gone off to, I started down the patio steps.

“Lila?” I shouted. “Siva?”

I had passed out after that thing knocked me to the ground. I woke up only to find the backyard slick with blood and no one in sight. The tears came soon. I was having a panic attack thinking about Lila’s disappearance. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like my heart would stop. I tried to calm myself down but I couldn’t get myself to stand still. My body was convulsing, reacting to my fear and stress. I threw up on the patio and fell onto my knees. Even then I couldn’t stop thinking about the mess I was going to have to clean later.

“Where are you guys?” I cried, my hands in my face.

I took out my phone and called Siva. “Hello?” I spat out as someone picked up.

“Nila?” I heard Siva’s voice.

“Where are you?” I immediately asked.

“The basement.” he said before the line broke up.

“Siva?” My hands were trembling.

I slowly made my way into the house and down the stairs. Siva was there with the children. I let out a breath of relief. They were all alive. I scanned the faces of the children only to get a panic attack again when I realized Lila wasn’t there.

Siva shook his head as if to signal she was gone.

“That thing took her, didn’t it?” I shouted. I started crying again. I didn’t want to believe it. My baby girl was gone.

“I tried to get everyone to safety. I lost her in the rush.” he whispered. He came towards me, tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

I pushed him away. “Where did that thing go?” I asked, determined to go after it. I wanted Lila back.

He shook his head. “I have no idea.” He looked at me, upset in his eyes. I took his hand but dropped it when I heard noises upstairs. “You stay here.” I said before running up the stairs. I went to the kitchen. Lila was there, hiding in a cabinet. She had dropped a bucket. The cabinet doors were wide open and she looked around, hesitating to get out. She was scared and hurt, bleeding from her temple.

“Lila!” I ran to her and took her in my arms. “My god, baby, you alright?”

“Mommy,” she whispered against me. She was trembling with fear.

I looked at her, held her face in my hands. “Are you okay?”

She nodded but the fear was still there. I could see it in her eyes.

“You’re safe now.” I whispered to her. I kept her close to me, never wanting to let her go.

Before I could pick her up and take her downstairs to Siva, her friends and to safety, she let out a loud, frightened scream. I turned around, only to be frightened. The thing was staring down at me, its mouth wide open, burnt hands reaching toward us, ready to take us.

[alittlecupoftea]

Holding back

His hand on her wrist, they shared a moment. There was something unspoken between them, something real and raw. Her stomach and heart tensed up as she looked at his eyes. Was it the alcohol or was she actually feeling these feelings for him? Quickly, she pulled her arm away from his hold and turned around, the moment vanishing like smoke into thin air. She walked away from him fast, nudging past drunken people. Cigarette smoke in the air made her cough and the tears came quickly. She made her way out of the backyard to the front lawn where she stopped and closed her eyes. Tears slid down her cheeks. She was trembling with both fear and shock. The feelings had come out of nowhere hitting her in the heart. Those feelings with him were real and unexpected. She clenched her jaw and resisted the tears but no matter how hard she fought they slid down her face. She didn’t want to cry. Not here. Not now.

She replayed the moment when his eyes had sparkled as they met hers. Was it the light catching in his eyes? Something reflected in them and made her stomach flutter with butterflies. She had felt alive and hopeful that he would make a move, finally. She couldn’t beat the idea that someone could actually be interested in her so she did what she did best. She ran away. Like always, she left the one she loved standing there with his heart on his sleeve.

“Hey,” she heard his soft voice behind her. She quickly wiped away her tears, ashamed of her emotions.

She turned around to face him. She couldn’t force herself to smile. She teared up again,  and felt stupid for doing so. She avoided his eyes, hopeful that he wouldn’t notice the sadness behind her eyes.

He fiddled with the hem of his plaid shirt which was left unbuttoned. Underneath, he wore a dark grey t-shirt. If she had her way she would pull him toward her by his collar and kiss him. His hair, curly and unkempt, threatened to fall into his eyes. She would’ve pushed his fringe away and kissed his forehead. He took her hand gently, holding her fingers in his. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

“For what?” she whispered back. She still couldn’t bear looking at him, fearing her stomach turning if she did.

“I want you. I should’ve said this before but I like you, I really like you.”

She pulled her hand away. “You don’t,” she firmly said, “You like Libby.”

He shook his head. “I don’t. Why would you think that?”

She finally looked up at him then. A smile appeared on his face which was infectious. She lightly punched him on the plaid shoulder and shook her head. “Why were you holding back?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m an idiot.”

She rubbed at her eyes and pushed forward a smile. “I was afraid I was making everything up in my head. I didn’t want to be wrong about you and embarrass myself.”

“You wouldn’t have embarrassed yourself,” he reassured her.

She nodded. “I would have done something stupid. And if you didn’t actually like me then it would’ve been embarrassing.”

He was curious. “What would you have done?”

She bit her bottom lip and did exactly what she wanted to. She gently pulled him in, hand moving from his shirt collar to the back of his head. “This,” she whispered, looking at his eyes then his lips, before finally kissing him, closing her eyes with relief and contentment.

[alittlecupoftea]

Lovers Lost

A car alarm set off in the distance as she walked towards her own car. She turned towards the direction of the blaring and saw Ashwin in his driveway. She waved at him as he noticed her.

“Where are you headed?” he shouted over the three houses between them.

The wind blew, forcing Manisha to shiver. “Headed to get coffee and study for a big test I’ve coming up.” She pulled her scarf closer to her neck and smiled at him.

“Joe’s? I was headed there too. Want to carpool?” he asked, fiddling with his keys.

Manisha nodded. “Mine or yours?”

He met her in her driveway after handing over his keys to his brother. “We fought over those just a minute ago. He’ll be happy now.”

“He seems like a great guy,” Manisha commented sarcastically, starting the engine.

Ashwin chuckled and rolled his eyes. “I mean, he can be. When he wants to be.”

They drove to Joe’s while chatting about their coursework and upcoming tests. They were determined to study with an intense focus. The fog outside was thickening as they ordered large coffees and chose a table by the windows. Manisha opened her textbook and Ashwin opened his laptop. They spent a half hour intensely reading notes and writing notes, memorizing key definitions.

“Can we take a break?” Ashwin interrupted Manisha as she was reading mid-sentence, stifling a yawn.

She smiled at him and nodded, reaching for her cup of coffee. “How’s the studying going?” She avoided looking at his eyes, knowing full well that if she did she would feel her stomach turn.

“I think I’ll do well.” he said, confident. “What about you?”

She looked at him then, quickly moving her eyes to the window. Watching cars pass by, she said, “I’m not sure but I don’t think I can fail.” She sipped her coffee again and turned towards him. “Are you interested in anyone?” she asked, curious. The question had come abruptly, but they had an easy relationship that allowed them to ask each other questions like this. He was still taken aback, wondering why she was asking him this all of a sudden.

He shook his head and focused on her eyes. He tried to read her expression but she was hard to read. She always had been. “How about you?”

She scoffed. “People I meet turn out to be a massive mess. I went on a date last week and all he wanted was sex.”

He was jealous that she had been on dates but even more upset that people were trash. “I don’t get it. You’re a wonderful person.”

She blushed, setting her coffee down. “You are too,” she said with a slight laugh.

He shook his head. “Not as great as you.”

“Maybe not,” she joked, teasingly, “But any girl would be lucky to have you.”

There was a brief window of silence wherein they looked at each other, daringly. Then he asked her if it would be so bizarre if they dated each other.

“What?” She was surprised. “Do you think I’m that wonderful?”

He nodded. “Yes, Manisha. I like you.” She lowered her voice and leaned towards him, elbows on the table. “I like you, too.” She smiled wide, glad that she had finally accepted the feelings to herself and to him.

He chuckled and closed his laptop shut. “Now what?”

“Now we get back to studying.” She said with a quiet laugh. “We can deal with our feelings later.”

He liked that she was intent on studying. Study dates with his other friends usually turned into impromptu hangouts. He flipped his laptop open, looked up at her and then back at his laptop.

They returned to studying but they couldn’t keep their eyes off of each other. In-between writing notes and reading chapters, they looked at each other with enticing eyes, anticipating something more. Smiling, they both felt something stirring between them. It was warm and lovely, a feeling they had both been searching for their entire lives.

“I can’t focus.” Ashwin admitted, defeated by the notes in front of him. He looked over his laptop at Manisha, hoping she felt the same.

“Do you want to fail?” she teased him, her voice playful. At the same time, she was relieved. She had been reading the same sentence over and over again for the last 20 minutes.

He shook his head like a little boy and she laughed.

“Do you want to get something to eat?” She hoped she wasn’t being too forward but she also hoped he would say yes.

“I’m starving,” he said, shutting his laptop closed.

They shoved their things into their backpack quickly, rushing out the door. In the car, Manisha looked at him with a smile, grateful for him.

Turning onto the main road, Manisha had to turn on the high beam headlights. The fog was thick, blurring everything in front of them. She felt that it could even swallow them whole. She drove slowly, inching down the road at a snail’s pace.

“Should we just head home?” Ashwin suggested, narrowing his eyes to get a better look at the roads. “This fog is insane.”

Manisha shook her head, refusing to give up. She wanted to have dinner with him, to get to know him over a plate of fries and burgers. She turned left hoping no cars were coming her way. After the turn, she was relieved to find less cars around. She determinedly continued down the road slowly, letting out a relieved sigh.

“How long have you liked me for?” she asked, glancing at him.

He smiled shyly, watching her as she turned back to face the road. “Since the day I met you,” he declared.

Manisha, surprised, look at him with her mouth open. She was stunned at the idea. How had she not noticed? Before she could say anything, their faces were lit by an oncoming truck’s headlights. They were bright and she had a clear look at Ashwin’s face before she realized the truck was in her lane, coming right at them. She turned the wheel brashly to try and avoid the truck completely. The car swerved violently but the truck hit them head on, leaving behind a messy wreck and two lovers dead before their love story could begin.

[alittlecupoftea]

WAVESZ

I was sitting quietly on a rock, watching the heavy waves wash in. They came onto shore in a quick rush. I felt splashes of the cool water near my feet but felt safe here, a distance away from the shoreline. They retreated back just as quickly as they had come in. It was relaxing to watch them go in and out in this fashion. I looked around the silent beach, expecting perhaps an older couple or a group of young teens quietly drinking their teenage-hoods away. I was once that rebellious. Now, I was sitting here alone staring at the waves, contemplating my life. I was mesmerized by the constant move of the waves and how hard they came crashing in, ready to destroy. I played with the sand, letting it run through the spaces between my fingers. I was tired of running after things. All my life I had run and run and run. I had run after many things, all of them unsuccessfully.

I was wondering how I would get my life back together when I saw her. She was with a group of people, presumably her family. She sat on a rock a shout away from me, leaving her family to walk the shoreline without her. I couldn't stop glancing at her. Her long wavy hair was let out to flow with the wind. She stared out at the waves and I could only imagine what she was thinking. I looked out into the waves after one glance at her. They were strong and dangerous. I turned to look at her again. She caught me this time. We both quietly admired each other and then turned back to the the waves, looking far out into the sea.

She let her family wander further down the beach, waving them away, promising that she would stay right there on that rock until they came back. She sat and watched the waves. I let my mind wander along with the waves, watching the way they rushed in and back out. I didn’t see her get up from the rock she was sat on. By the time I had turned to look at her, she was halfway to the ocean. I watched as she recklessly walked into them. I knew what would happen next even though I was hoping it wouldn’t. These waves weren’t friendly. They were treacherous, murderous. The waves had pulled in many over the years. I was on my feet and running towards her just as the waves took her in. They had slowly come in and she was ankle deep in the waters. They pulled her in and she yelped in surprise at the speed and strength of the waves. She didn’t know how strong these waves were. I wished I had known her name to scream out. My heart was beating quick with fear. Whoever she was, she didn’t deserve to be another victim to these waves.

“Hey!” I was waist deep in the pulling waves. I was trying my best to stay grounded but the waves had pulled us both in. I waded towards her and grabbed for her arm, holding her close to me as soon as I had a good grip on her. “Don’t panic.” I shouted over the loud crash of the waves. I waited to be pushed back onto shore and then quickly pulled us away from the water. It was a miracle we had reached the shoreline. I had two seconds to get us out of the same waves that could immediately rush back to drag us in.

I was trembling as I pulled her back to the rocks, to safety. She had her arms around me, trembling with the shock of the waves. We were both uncertain of letting go after what had just happened. The fear of the waves coming back to get us was crippling. I wrapped my arms around her, consoling her. We were soaking wet.

Once she pulled away, she apologized, pushing back her hair from her face. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m just glad you’re okay.”

“I didn’t know the waves were that strong.” She looked at me, still trembling with shock. Her eyes went back and forth between the waves and me.

I chuckled lightly. She breathed in and out, calming herself. I touched her forearm, trying to help her return to herself. “Are you okay?”

She looked at me and gave me a hesitant smile. She nodded and seemed like she wanted to say something.

I introduced myself and told her this beach was well-known for its heavy waves.

She chuckled in return and shook her head. “I’m such an idiot.” She started walking and I followed. “I didn’t do it on purpose, you know.” she reassuringly repeated.

“I believe you. But a lot of people do go in with that intention.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Unfortunately I can’t disbelieve that.”

And on we continued, first talking about the waves and suicide, then about this country and its national treasures. I didn’t think my life could change so easily but after meeting her, I realized that I was important, that I had the strength to get my life back on track.

[alittlecupoftea]

Let You Go

It was difficult to stand there and look you in the eyes. We were both stubborn in our ways. Neither one of us wanted to change. Did that mean we didn’t love each other enough? I opened my mouth to ask the question but you moved backwards. You looked like you were ready to run away. I wanted to apologize for making you feel that way.

“I think it’s better if we just,” you paused and looked to the ground, dramatically, before continuing, “take a break.”

I gritted my teeth. A break? Inside, I was fuming. On the outside, I politely nodded and watched you leave. It broke my heart to see you go, the back of your brown leather jacket and bleached blond hair tearing me apart. You shut the door gently behind you. Immediately after you left, I began crying. I didn’t want you to go but I didn’t have the strength in me to stop you either. I was stubborn because I was furious with your decision to leave without a fight. I thought I had been right but instead, I quickly realized, I had been wrong all this time. I wasn’t good enough for you. You didn’t love me. I was an idiot for having been adamant before. I should’ve just gave into you.  

I wanted to run after you then. I did but I was seconds too late. You were already halfway home by the time I reached my senses. I called your cell but you wouldn’t pick up.

I was a wreck after that. I cancelled life completely and slept all day. I couldn’t breathe properly without you. I couldn’t feel anything but my heart aching, throbbing from your absence. I tried your phone but felt foolish after a few days of constant ringing. I gave you the break that you wanted but my heart couldn’t let you go.

I almost forgot about your best friend’s wedding. We had made plans to go together. I saw reminders on Facebook and pulled myself together just in time. I scrolled down Instagram to see a post of you in your traditional wedding attire. I knew you would be there and couldn’t let the chance of seeing you go to waste. I had a plan brewing in my head. I was going to apologize. It would be grand and heartfelt and you would fall back in my arms, forgiving me. I was confident things would be okay.

I chose to wear the beautiful royal blue saree you had bought me for my 21st birthday. I was happy to find that the blouse still fit me perfectly. I wasn’t so sure you would remember this saree but I wore it anyway because of the memories laced in the fabric. There was a nervous feeling running throughout my body. I had to make sure every hair was in its place, every pleat on my saree perfect and straight. I glanced at myself in the mirror one too many times. I got into my car with a feeling of confidence but that immediately disappeared the minute I pulled into the parking lot of the banquet hall.

I saw a bunch of your friends standing around by their cars. They all looked at me as I walked by them. I was about to stop and ask them where you were but they intimidated me. They were tall guys dressed immaculately in coloured, tailored suits. Most of them had groomed beards and their expressions were both stern and cold. I gulped down my nerves as one of them called out my name. One of the guys laughed out loud as I quickly avoided eye contact and hurried inside.

Inside, I saw a couple of my friends standing in the lobby. I mustered up strength and chatted with them before going inside to find you. There were so many people but my eyes quickly found you. There was no way I could skip over your face. You were too familiar to my brain. I walked towards you, my apologetic words at the ready. You were talking to Sam, an enthusiastic smile on your lips.

The minute your eyes met mine, your perfect smile fell into a frown. My stomach dropped as I realized I didn’t bring you happiness as I once had. I almost turned around and left. If I made you unhappy, what was the point? The only thing that pushed me forward was my heart. It missed you. It knew that our love was strong. I hesitantly waved, a small smile on my face. You excused yourself to Sam and walked my way.

Standing in front of you, I wanted to hug you. I smiled and looked directly into your eyes.

We silently looked at each other. I blurted out, “I’ll move to LA,” at the same time you said, “Stay.” I was confused. I wasn’t sure if I had heard you correctly.

“You changed your mind?”

“I could ask the same to you,” you said, expression unchanged. Your eyes were blank. I was almost as intimated as I was when I saw your friends.

“Because I love you.” I firmly replied, answering your question. I knew you. I loved you.

You nodded, “I love you too. That’s exactly why I can’t let you move halfway across the world just for me. I can’t make you put your entire life on hold. Your life is here.” You meant my job, my family, and you were right.

“But you are a part of my life.” I could even argue that you were my entire life.

“I need to go. I can’t let this opportunity go to waste.” I understood you but it hurt all the same. I didn’t want us to be apart.

I let you pull me into a bear hug. I held in my tears but I held onto you tighter than ever before, as if that alone could keep you here. I pulled away first and kissed your cheek. “You’ll do great in LA.” I knew it, too. You kissed me on the lips and we danced the night away, figuring our problems would dissolve into thin air because our love was strong enough. And we were right. Our love was strong enough.

[alittlecupoftea]

For You

Mistakes were made There’s no going back now What are you going to do with your entire life in front of you uncertainty tainting your future

Nothing is guaranteed except for my presence I’ll be here for you through thick and thin through the good times and the bad

No matter what I’m here

[alittlecupoftea]

you did this

healing from you is taking a long time you ripped me apart left me stranded on the freeway heavy words hang in the air between us my heart is in pieces the silence is awkward my lungs burn from your betrayal i’m suffocating you did this to me