1. YOUR NAME
2. HOUSE NAME
3. NICKNAME YOU HATE
4. OUTFIT YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO WEAR ON A WALK OF SHAME
5. TYPE OF KNIFE
6. BODY PARTS
7. SLENDER OBJECT
8. TYPE OF RESIDUE
9. LIQUID MEASURE
10. WORST DRINK YOU’VE HAD
11. TYPE OF GAS
12. TYPE OF KNIFE
13. MYTHICAL CREATURE
14. INITIALS
15. YOUR INITIALS
16. OTHER SLENDER OBJECT
17. SLENDER OBJECT
18. TYPE OF MAGIC WORK
19. BRITISH SLANG TERM
20. EUPHEMISM FOR JUNK
FILCH: Oi! Look what we have here, Mrs Norris. One proud wizarding student getting top marks in making a fine mess. What’s that, Mrs Norris? This is no wizarding student? This is YOUR NAME, a disgrace to HOUSE NAME?You may be well right about that.
I just found NICKNAME YOU HATE here dressed in nothing but OUTFIT YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO WEAR ON A WALK OF SHAME, holding A TYPE OF KNIFE, and touching your BODY PARTS with the wrong end of a SLENDER OBJECT.
And you tell me it’s cause you’ve been sleepwalkin’. Right. Sleepwalkin’ is what made the HOUSE NAME common area untidy. Sleepwalking made The Room of Requirement require a right scrubbing! It’s sleepwalkin’s fault that the Fat Lady Painting is covered in TYPE OF RESIDUE!
You want to know what I hate most about you lot today? The lack of respect. You just don’t give one knut for the experience that came before you. Let alone the cleaning that goes into a place like this! You think carpets clean themselves?
PEEVES: Your mouth cleans carpets!
FILCH: Shut up, Peeves. You know why I don’t like dirt, boy? It’s dirty.
FILCH: As I were saying, dirt. It mucks thing up. I unmucks ‘em. They’ll all have a good laugh about me and magicking, but not a one a you wizard youths know the first thing there is to know about cleaning a toilet with your bare hands.
PEEVES: There’s gloves for that.
FILCH: Never mind him. I followed you to the Forbidden Forest. Right after your “sleepwalkin’” led you to drink LIQUID MEASURE of Butterbeer mixed with WORST DRINK YOU’VE HAD. And you strutted in, TYPE OF GAS passing all over the centuars and what, ‘til I saw you use your trusty TYPE OF KNIFE to kill a MYTHICAL CREATURE and then carve the initials INITIALS next to your own with the bloody TYPE OF KNIFE.
Was that the work of SLEEPWALKIN’ THEN?!??!
You make me sick, NICKNAME. If you looked in the Mirror of Erised, all you would see is bootstraps! And the ability to pull yourself up by them! INITIALS plus YOUR INITIALS forever. Coo!
All this mess you done to impress INITIALS. And you know what they’re doing to impress you? Snoggin’ your best friend, most like. While the other 10th formers try to block you from seein’. Not ‘cause they’re being nice-like. ‘Cause they think it will be even more of a laugh when you finally fight your way past ‘em to see she’s kissin…she’s kissin’ HIM. “A proper wizard,” she says. And the way she says proper, she may ‘ave well stabbed you in the throat with her OTHER SLENDER OBJECT.
You run cryin’ to the teacher to tell her about your broken heart, never you mind your broken SLENDER OBJECT. And she’s kind to ya, and she tells ya you ain’t as ugly as all the other kids say, and it’s alright you don’t have mates now. You’ll have mates plenty when you’re big and grown. And then you do the one bit o’ magic you’ve ever done and you turn that nicey teacher into a cat you keep by your side in this terrible, filthy life - forever. And ever. And EVER.
And you keep it all a secret ‘til you’re big and grown and you think you’re gonna get a job at the Ministry of Magic doing TYPE OF MAGIC WORK, and you don’t ‘cause you’re just a bloody squib and turning Mrs Norris into a cat was the one shot you got and and no matter what you do now, you can’t make magic come out of a wand unless it’s your BRITISH SLANG TERM, EUPHEMISM FOR JUNK. And you get a job as caretaker for the most beautiful castle in the whole of England, and you take it. You take it with pride. And you know that magic ain’t what cleans a mess. Magic makes it.
It’s bleach that cleans things. It’s work. It’s hardness.
PEEVES: I know what else is hard!
FILCH: Blast it, Peeves! You know what, NICKNAME? Only thing in this world you can count on is your enemies. Remember that. That, and Mrs Norris.
See you in hell, NICKNAME. See you in hell.
