Young Infertility

First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes.. infertility?!

[alliebrochu]

First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes... infertility?!

I decided to create my very own blog! I get real, raw & personal! As always!

Love you guys! Thanks for following ❤️

Please feel free to reach out to me through my blog (contact me section). I’m always here & open to talk!

[alliebrochu]

Negative.

We took a pregnancy test earlier today. It was negative.

Now it's almost 2 am. My husband is sound asleep. I'm not. I tried but I can't. I spent the last few hours silently crying in bed. Tears streaming down my face.. dripping onto my neck.. leaving wet spots all over my pillow. I felt numb inside yet I felt everything at the same time. My throat burning from holding back unshed tears. My nose completely stuffed up yet running. My stomach in knots. It was more painful holding it all in. So I finally snuck into the bathroom, sat on the side of the tub, and let it all out. I sobbed. Long & hard. Trying not to make too much noise but I couldn't help it. I wept into a tissue, covering my mouth, to muffle the noise. I couldn't move for awhile after that so I just sat there. On the side of the tub. Staring at nothing. I don’t even know for how long. Once I stood up, I looked at myself in the mirror and continued to cry. I looked as heartbroken as I felt. I was not only devastated and disappointed but I was also unbelievably exhausted. My eyelids felt heavy. My eyes stung from crying. My entire face, red & swollen. Yet I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to move. I didn't want to do anything. I wasn’t ready to crawl into bed and lay in the dark, so I went downstairs to the kitchen. I poured myself an ice cold glass of water. I could feel it sooth my throat. I needed it. I sat in the half lit, dead silent, kitchen for another unknown length of time. Just sitting there. Every time I thought I couldn’t possibly cry anymore, another flood of tears would fill my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I let myself cry until I could barely hold myself up. I finally forced myself to go to bed, teary eyed and all. 

This is why I don't get my hopes up. This is why I dread taking pregnancy tests. We tried so hard this past month. So so hard. We really thought we did it. We thought I was finally pregnant. And I let myself believe it. When I read that negative pregnancy test, I was just so.fed.up. It unleashed so many emotions that had been building up for far too long. It was my breaking point. I lost my hope for awhile last night. I let every horrible thought cross my mind. Thoughts that I usually refuse to let in. Questioning if I'll ever get pregnant. Doubting that I'll ever see those 2 positive lines. Thinking I'll never have children. I'll never be a mom. Zach will never be a dad. Worrying that before we know it, another 3.5 years will fly by and we'll realize that eventually.. we'll run out of time. Wondering if we’ll ever have the money we need for fertility treatments. I let myself drown in doubt & hopelessness and it was the worst feeling I've ever experienced.

[alliebrochu]

[alliebrochu]

[alliebrochu]

High Hopes.

Our hopes are sky high this month. We’ve made love, a lot. We’ve eaten well. No stress. Lots of water. Good sleep. Light exercise. Extra prayers. We’ve pulled every little trick in the book.. hoping, wishing, praying, begging to conceive this month. Starting 2 weeks before my expected (dreaded) period, my boobs felt tender, sore & sensitive. And they still are!!! Usually I feel that same symptom 1 week - a few days before my period so I’ve learned to not get excited.. to remind myself that it’s just a PMS symptom and not an early-pregnancy symptom. But this time.. it’s different. It was an entire 2 weeks before my expected period due date that it started and it’s STILL lingering, now 1 week before my expected period. So.. our hopes are high. It’s a constant battle of me trying to be realistic but trying to also stay positive. Thoughts are powerful so I want to be positive and hopeful but it hurts more. SO much more. There’s been countless times over the past 3.5 years of trying to conceive that I’ve let my hope take over. I’ve convinced myself I’m pregnant with certain feelings and symptoms. I’ve let myself feel every ounce of that hope, that excitement, that love, that faith, that relief. That moment that I feel like this is IT. This is the month. Finally. I’m pregnant! And then very quickly I realize, it’s not. That I’m not. After letting myself feel all of those feelings.. letting it build it.. letting my mind & heart go to so many happy places.. it’s all crushed. It’s taken away from me. Usually with a few negative pregnancy tests, followed by my period, and then the tears. The heartache. Mourning over something I never even had. What’s even harder is watching my husband silently go through all of the same emotions. Just as devastated & heartbroken, yet trying to swallow it and stay strong for me. So I’ve learned my lesson about getting my hopes up. Now I’m excited yet scared. I’m happy yet sad. I’m eager yet nervous. I'm hopeful yet doubtful. I won’t believe it until I see it. Until that sweet baby is wrapped up like a warm little burrito, in my arms. I won’t believe it. So our hopes are high.. but not too high.

[alliebrochu]

Hi there I just came across your blog because of your cute picture I'm assuming is you and your spouse. I love your blog I wish you much love and luck.

Aw thank you so much!!! That means a lot ❤️ I appreciate it. And yes! That's me and my husband!

[alliebrochu]

L O V E

[alliebrochu]

[alliebrochu]

God’s Timing.

Just as I believe that God will give us our baby one day & make us parents...I also believe in God's timing. It's just about the ONLY thing that gives me faith, hope & patience.

[alliebrochu]

[alliebrochu]

Definition.

Infertility: "Not getting pregnant despite having carefully timed, unprotected sex for one year."

[alliebrochu]

I want it so badly it hurts.

My desire to have a baby.. a family.. to be a mother and see my husband as a father.. it’s a desire SO big that I can feel it. And on those bad days, I want it so badly that it emotionally, mentally, and physically.. hurts. I can feel it in my gut, heart and chest. That aching desire. That crushing pain. That suffocating feeling. I’ve never wanted something so badly.

[alliebrochu]

That moment.

I have good days and bad days. The bad days always seem to hit me like a freight train, when I least expect it. That moment when yet another friend or family member gets pregnant. That moment when I find myself in the baby section at a store, day dreaming while I run my fingers over the soft, adorable, clothes. That moment when someone asks when we're having kids. That moment at a baby shower. That commercial or movie. That song. That family at the park. That picture online. That negative pregnancy test. That unwanted period. Playing with my nieces, nephews, friend’s babies. And then sometimes there's no reason or trigger at all. It's just a typical day and it will crush me out of nowhere.

[alliebrochu]

You don’t understand.

Infertility. It doesn’t matter if I talk about it or keep my feelings inside. No matter what, I'm left feeling guilty, ashamed, broken, sad, frustrated, worried and lonely. In some ways, I even feel like a failure. No matter what someone says or how well I explain what we're going through.. I still feel as if they just don't understand. Because until you've wanted nothing more than to have a baby and then you struggle while trying to do so.. you just CAN'T understand the rollercoaster of emotions that you experience and the struggles that you go through. And I wouldn’t WANT you to understand. I wouldn’t want anyone to experience infertility. It’s a combination of suffocating feelings that I can’t even put into words.

[alliebrochu]

Unwanted Advice.

This is gonna sound harsh.. but honestly..

I don’t need your opinion or your advice.

I don’t need your tips or suggestions. 

I don’t need to hear what worked for you or someone you know. 

I don’t even need reassurance. 

Sometimes all I need is a little empathy or even just some sympathy. When it comes down to it.. I just simply want to be able to vent without hearing all the things that I don’t want to hear, yet everyone feels the need to say. And I get it. It all comes from love. 

They think they’re saying the right thing. 

They think they’re helping. 

They think they’re being supportive and encouraging. 

And to some extent, they ARE. But after it’s all said & done.. I’m somehow left feeling worse than I did before I opened up my heart to them. 

Infertility sucks. To say the VERY least. It’s devastating. So sometimes.. I JUST want to vent. I want to complain. I want to have a pity party for just 1 minute, so that I can get it off my chest & then keep on trying. That’s all I want.

[alliebrochu]

All the faith & hope in the world.

I will ALWAYS have faith & hope that my husband and I will get pregnant one day. God willing!! We will. I really truly believe that, from the bottom of my heart. And I always will. No matter how long it takes.. or what we have to go through to get there.. But even with ALL that faith & hope.. it doesn't always make our journey easier.

[alliebrochu]

The Good & The Bad.

Ever since I was little, I wanted to be a mom. I have other dreams & goals for my life but none of them matter like this one. I can honestly say that if (when) I become a mother one day, I can die & go to heaven, truly happy. I won’t sugar coat it. I KNOW that motherhood will be emotional, painful, scary, messy, challenging, frustrating, exhausting, confusing, and just straight up HARD. It will be by far the hardest thing I will ever do. But I also know it will be unbelievably beautiful, wonderful, magical, sweet, precious, lovely, rewarding, exciting and worth it. And knowing all of that…I still want the good and the bad. And everything else that comes with it.