she/her, tma / 23 / pākehā / taken
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Not today Justin
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@amitylesbian
she/her, tma / 23 / pākehā / taken
hashtag my fandomite disguise ☭
I never really wanted to get into this on here but I want to talk about it now so nobody can stop me.
honestly one of the worst things is that I knew. a lot of people talk about not knowing they were trans until xyz event where they realized and went through whatever hardships and then transitioned. people talk about repression and discovery and all these things. and those are all powerful and important experiences I don't see myself as above them in any way. but I knew.
I was never an egg, I was never in denial. when I was 3 years old I dreamed I was a princess. I know this because my family retells it as a funny story. I tried to wear my sister's clothes regularly, I asked people why there wasn't a word for the reverse of a tomboy, I put on makeup, I used she/her pronouns online since I first learned to read and write.
I don't bring this up to do this "I've always been a woman deep down, so you should listen to me as super valid Mr psychologist gatekeeper". my point is that it didn't matter.
I knew, and it didn't matter. it wasn't an issue of having to figure out who I was and then realizing that. it's that who I am was intentionally killed and locked away at every turn. it's not that I didn't realize I was a girl, it's that I wasn't allowed to be one. I was hurt and punished and sent to conversion therapy repeatedly. I can't "go back in time and tell my younger self to save her years of struggle". it wouldn't matter. it wouldn't change anything at all. the issue wasn't a lack of information. it's a lack of power. kids and trans kids especially are subject to so much abuse and we have no power to do anything about it. it is such a great tragedy beyond words. knowing what you want to do and wear and say and be, that you want this name and these pronouns and that cute dress, and being powerless to do anything about it anyway. forced to wear clothes picked out for you by a guardian, only able to use pre-approved nicknames online. only allowed to engage in these specific hobbies and have these specific friends. all of whom treat you like garbage. but it doesn't matter. it doesn't even matter if you know it's unjust, there's no way to do anything about it. it is perhaps the most powerless position anyone can be in. there is no level of knowledge or personal strength that will get you out of it. you just have to shut off until enough time passes for the law to deem you as worthy of being a person.
I think that's a big part of why I'm like this now, once you see that powerlessness, when you experience the depths of hopelessness and disenfranchisement, you can never unsee it. it does something to you
it's easier to think that I did something wrong. that if I were smarter or stronger or cleverer I could've figured it out. and that when I did get out of that place, that it was due to my strength. but the reality is it wasn't. none of it was my fault, and that's almost harder to handle. there's no amount of trial or belief or hope or self knowledge that can magically warp the world to be kind to you. when I got away it's because I was a legal adult. that's it, that's all that changed. the only thing holding me back that entire time
what if i told uou we could have so much more you and i
2 am: bedtime were meant to be broken 😈
7 am: I hope i get in a car accident
i didn't want to make another post about this topic bc i'm exhausted but i need to get this off my head or i'm gonna go insane (journal factory blew up). i also think there's an important reminder here for all latin americans, and information for people who actually want to learn about argentinian history.
a couple days ago i found out that a respected blog that's about how to create black characters without being racist (run by a black usamerican) jumped on the 'argentina is white' train. when replied to by people with data and sources by brown argentines and afroargentines, she responded by ignoring said sources, mentioning blanqueamiento and saying that people speaking spanish in her post was 'inaccessible':
and while it's true that we shouldn't deny the very real existence of blanqueamiento in our history, which is the main way we invisibilized our indigenous and black populations and their innumerable contributions to the foundation, culture and continued sovereignty of our country (and therefore erased them from our history books!), this blogger kept insisting on pushing bullshit numbers:
for all of her mentions of blanqueamiento, she continued ignoring a key part of it: the manipulation of the censuses by eliminating racialized categories from them. not to mention that even to this day there are racialized people who don't see themselves as such, generally as a current consequence of blanqueamiento as well (they don't know, they're not sure, etc.).
i'm not gonna get into the absolute insanity of the implication that 97% of our population has exclusive european heritage, because not only that is obviously bullshit to anyone who has ever set foot here, but there are also genetic studies that show that over half of argentina's population has amerindian heritage. but i guess we can't expect people from a country where phrenology-based race science is extremely prominent to understand that.
and when someone respectfully explained to her that she was misinformed and directed her to more info by linking some of cumbiamurguera's (who has mapuche ancestry!!) posts? this is her reply:
'welp i'm not talking about this anymore thanks for your contribution! i will proceed to completely ignore it and in fact keep talking about this but only with people who parrot what i'm saying!'
and if you had any doubt that this gringa is spouting xenophobic imperialist garbage under the guise of calling out racism:
(hmm... could it be that those white supremacist beliefs aren't held by the same people who criticize the imperial core... could it be that the prevalence of right-wing white supremacist governments and politics in latam is directly related to us interference and has been for decades... hmmmm........)
this is the reminder for all of latam that i mentioned at the beginning of the post: no matter which race they are, gringues will always be gringues FIRST. before they're black, before they're trans, before they're disabled, before they're leftist. they will speak for and over us, treat us like we're the ones we need to learn from them and do things their way because THEY know best, because manifest destiny is alive and well in their brains. how dare we speak our language in a post that's about us. how dare we assume we know our history better than they do.
you might think this is all obvious, but many of us have been over a decade in this yanqui-dominated website, speaking english and consuming their news, politics, media, etc. and not even the most antiimperialist of us is immune to absorbing that shit unknowingly. so it's always good to remember that we shouldn't try so hard to seek understanding nor approval from them. and i say this as someone who's made a wonderful friend from the usa here many years ago, but that's one person i trust to actually listen to me when i talk about argentina and latam.
people like the ones above, though? block and move on. speak your language(s). learn your history. participate in your culture. consume your own media. go outside and protest. read las venas abiertas i'm begging. resist imperialism no matter how bleak the situation is (and i'm from milei's argentina so i know about bleak lmao).
as for the racism? listen to the racialized people in your country. call out people in your life when you can. like i said before, learn your history and go out and protest. do research! exercise your critical thinking. if you can travel to other cities/provinces/states, don't just stick to tourist spots: interact with the locals and broaden your horizons. if you have kids or work with them, or simply have a chance to teach them something, take advantage of any opportunity you get to explain things their history books might not say. la campaña del desierto. la guerra de la triple alianza. domingo faustino sarmiento was a raging racist.
i know i seem like a hypocrite saying thinks like 'block and move on' and 'speak your language' when i'm making this post, but i remember how bc of this website i used to think lgbtq history = stonewall and black history = mlk, yet didn't even know who lohana berkins and maría remedios del valle were. and i know there are teens growing up here. and i'm writing this in english bc my other post was seen by lots of people in latam, not just spanish speakers. that said, lazy can't-copypaste-text-into-a-translator anglos can go fuck themselves.
if you're still reading this and you want to learn more about racialized people in argentina (from the source, not from an ignorant yank) then there are plenty of accounts you can follow. identidadmarron, negrasymarronas, lunfardatravel and afroslgbtiq.ar on instagram are good places to start. this post is long enough, so you can check out @cumbiamurguera's #afroargentines tag for tons of info and more accounts to follow.
(from violeta.exa on ig)
Thanks for tagging me 🫶🏽
I love being canceled by yanquis lol
In my tag #afroargentines you will find mentions of sources such as Afro-Argentine activists
Oh hey its the same black blogger who thinks all east asians are interchangeable.
Kind of ironic that people who don't plan to have children are classified as the people who hate children, even the subset that actually do stress that they hate kids, because they have absolutely nothing on the all-star numbers put up by people who hate children that simultaneously have children.
sylphrena🩵 (a la Alysa Liu)
one of the most eye-rolling trends on this website is people talking up how woke their sexual preferences are. you can't scroll for five minutes here without seeing someone patting themselves on the back for their heroic role in the feminist struggle because they like hairy pussy
it's kind of insane that i was in a relationship (online) for almost a year and i don't remember a single thing that happened. not one conversation. and this isn't a recent thing either this was as of like 1-2 years post breakup
just thinking a lot lately about that tiktok series of a guy asking strangers 'do you think this person is gay or straight' and its this whole chain of people being like oh im obviously straight everyone can tell and then getting called gay when their picture is shown to other strangers. overall pretty funny series exposing how fake and fragile it all is. but very notably the videos with all men are just calling each other gay but the ones with all women are completely unpromptedly calling the strangers in the photo trans.
the question of "do you think they're gay or straight" is being interpreted not as "can you guess this person's sexuality from their appearance" but "what kind of deviant do you think this person is" and trans men just do not occupy the societal headspace as a potential deviant to watch out for the way trans women do. fail to live up to the standard of cishet man and you're still a man you're just gay. fail to live up to the standard of cishet woman and you're not even a woman
Liked this one for the normal reasons
If the building of a bridge does not enrich the awareness of those who work on it, then that bridge ought not to be built and the citizens can go on swimming across the river or going by boat. The bridge should not be ‘parachuted down’ from above; it should not be imposed by a deus ex machina upon the social scene; on the contrary it should come from the muscles and the brains of the citizens. Certainly, there may well be need of engineers and architects, sometimes completely foreign engineers and architects; but the local party leaders should be always present, so that the new techniques can make their way into the cerebral desert of the citizen, so that the bridge in whole and in part can be taken up and conceived, and the responsibility for it assumed by the citizen. In this way, and in this way only, everything is possible.
Frantz Fanon, The Wretched of the Earth
I believe in GHOSTS
Grief-induced hallucinations
Huffing carbon monoxide
Owls, coyotes, and other nocturnal “spectres” whose voices paint the night
Spores from black mold
Terror induced by anxiety
Straight-up lying