I saw this prompt and felt the need to fill it. It sat in my drafts for awhile because I had no clue what to write or what to do for dialogue but it occurred to me tonight that maybe I could pull from personal experience. So... this happened.
TW: Unhealthy communication, arguing, (let me know if there’s anything else I should tag).
Logan felt his frustration building as he followed Patton from the living room to his bedroom. They were fighting but at least if Pat’s roommate, Roman came home, it would be less awkward for everyone involved as Roman could simply leave once he realized what was happening.
“You need to stop acting like I don’t have any feelings, okay? I have feelings. I have a lot of them.” Logan spoke up as they walked through the hall, almost walking into Patton as the man spun around and looked at him, the astronomy student not missing the scoff that came from the other.
“About what?” Patton’s voice was more bitter than he’d ever heard and he felt an instinctual warning in the back of his mind as it sensed the oncoming storm.
“You, Patton. About you. For you.” Logan watched with hope that the man would see rationality and end his anger, but he only got a shake of the head before Patton turned back around and continued walking into the room. Clearly this wasn’t going to end soon.
“I feel like you don’t care about this relationship.” Patton crossed his arms, twisting around to glare at Logan as the science major shut the door quietly.
“What makes you think that?” Logan gritted his teeth, body tensed up like a spring while he watched the other.
“You never check in on me. I’m always the one needing to contact you if I want to talk.” Patton frowned, dropping his eyes for a moment before returning to watching the tense body in front of him.
“If you wish to talk, you can text or call me whenever you need to. If you don’t message me, I assume you’re busy.” Logan explained tightly, his hand waving sharply in front of him.
“But why can’t you just send a quick text saying that you’re thinking about me? Or that you hope my day is going well?” Patton scowled, not understanding why Logan didn’t get it.
“Isn’t that a given, Patton? We’re in a relationship. Of course I want the best for you.” Logan sighed, rubbing his eyes before readjusting his glasses.
“I know! But it means so much more to hear it. To read it. It means so much to me when you take those few seconds out of your day to send me something like that because it makes me feel loved and cared about.” Patton’s voice was almost pleading, desperate to find a way to make his boyfriend understand.
“But it shouldn’t need to be said. You know I feel that way and you know that I have a difficulty expressing affection. I feel like you’re not respecting me when I explain that it’s hard for me to do that.” Logan felt like his chest was on fire, unable to properly describe how he was feeling at the moment.
“And I feel like you’re not listening to me when I make a simple request like that. It’s not hard to send a quick text when you’re walking down the hall or while you’re waiting in line for something. I’m not asking you to set an hour of your time aside to talk to me everyday!” Patton could feel his voice rising but couldn’t hear it over the rushing sound in his ears.
“I know that! But those seconds add up over time. If I texted you for thirty seconds a day- not including any time you contact me- over the course of a year, that would be just over three hours.” Logan felt the calculations running though his head like race cars, buzzing past and leaving nothing but noise.
“So you’d rather have an extra three hours a year of doing nothing than letting me know you care?” Patton’s voice dropped in both volume and octave, Logan looking up to see tears welling up in the other man’s eyes. He knew that it should cause him to rethink what he was saying, but only felt his frustration grow. How could he date someone so childish?
“How could I date someone so childish?!” Logan paused for a second when he realized he had said it out loud, taking in the shock and pain on Patton’s face for only a moment before his anger spurred him ahead, glaring around the room as his rant exploded out of him. “Why can’t you just respect that I don’t like expressing affection that way?! Why can’t you listen and understand that I care about you- but talking about it, especially randomly makes me uncomfortable?! Why do you need constant affirmation when you know how exhausting it is for me to keep up with?”
Logan panted, catching his breath after the outburst, but felt the air catch in his throat when he finally looked at Patton’s face.
The college student couldn’t have looked more hurt if Logan had physically hit him. His brows drawn together and eyes open in such a way that he looked like he was in physical pain.
“I...” Patton’s mouth hung open mostly, his jaw occasionally moving to shut before opening again, lower lip quivering every few moments while his glassy eyes stared at the bed just to have something to look at. “I’m sorry. I know it makes you uncomfortable. But-” Patton cut himself off again, not wanting to roll over and leave himself in the same unhappy spot he’d been in just to please Logan but not knowing how to explain himself in a way that would make Logan understand just how important this was to him.
“I... don’t... understand why you like me. Why anyone likes me. When you send me a message, letting me know that you’re thinking about me or that you care about me, it... lets me know that you value me the same way I value you. At least to some extent. It lets me think that... maybe you hold me in the same level of love that I hold you.” Patton spoke quietly, the tears on his face slowly drying while his voice sounded hollow and resigned. “My mind is constantly telling me that you don’t care. That I’m nothing to you. And I know that’s not true, but having those texts- little pieces of unsolicited affection, or messages describing how much I mean to you- can give me the ammo I need to fight against my brain for just a little while. And it helps. And I’m sorry that you don’t like doing it. I’m sorry that I’m asking so much from you. I’m sorry that I don’t understand because it seems like such an easy and simple thing for me and it’s not.”
Logan felt his chest deflate as Patton’s tears started again, dripping off his chin and falling to his shirt. “I... I’m sorry too. I’m sorry that I can’t understand. I rely so much on logic that it’s a fault. I rely on the idea that if I love you, and have said it to you in the past, that you shouldn’t need to hear it everyday because I don’t need to hear it everyday. Because I know you do. I don’t understand the need for constant reassurance because I feel like that just means you don’t believe me when I say it.”
“I do believe you.” Patton’s voice was so desperate, so small, that Logan felt his heart twist in his chest. “I know that you care. I know that you love me. But the intrusive thoughts in my mind are constantly trying to tell me otherwise. My self-value, my self-worth is so small that it takes those reassurances and confirmations to push back against the negativity going on in my head.”
Logan sighed, pushing his glasses up again to rub at his eyes before putting them back on his nose and running his hand through his hair. “I can try to talk to you more often. And send you more reassurances throughout the day. I can’t guarantee it’ll be easy at first or daily at first, but if it’s that important to you, a little extra time on my part will be worth your comfort and happiness.”
“And I’ll try to be more understanding when you have difficulty expressing your emotions. And if you don’t send anything for a day or two, I’ll try not to let it get to me. I’ll try to communicate more effectively in the future instead of bottling it up until I do something like this.” Patton sniffled, wiping his nose on the back of his hand before looking at Logan hopefully.
“I think that’s satisfactory. Communication and compromise are very important in a relationship, as well as respecting each other’s needs.” Logan nodded, straightening his shirt and shifting his weight from one foot to another.
Both men watched each other cautiously for any objection. Once none was seen, they slowly moved together and wrapped their arms around each other, glad that the argument had ended in a solution rather than an ended relationship.
“I love you, Lo.” Patton’s voice was muffled by Logan’s shoulder, the taller of the two petting his hair softly before tightening his grip around his boyfriend.
“I love you too, Pat. So much.” Logan sighed, content as he felt Patton’s arms tighten around him. At some point they should move back into the living room for something a little more light-hearted, like movies and ice cream, but for now, standing in Patton’s room holding the man he loved was... absolutely satisfactory.
