venting here bc it's more or less abandoned and I have no following so it's not like anyone will see it
god I just can't stop thinking about how fucking toxic a person that was in my life was??? literally everything I did was wrong to the point of me trying to give them advice on shit was seen as an attack. fucking bonkers. i feel so horrible for the things I've said and done because I felt as though I would be met with coldness if I didn't act the same as they did. it's an awful guilt to deal with.
i talked extensively with one of our mutual friends about their behavior. mutual also felt trapped and unable to say anything, and like they were walking on eggshells. if I could give the ex friend access to the messages I would, even if just to help them stop being delusional about the way they've treated people. everybody saw how poorly they treated me. everybody saw how poorly they treat others.
the way they treated others has affected me and contributed to my recent (and also second) c-ptsd diagnosis. im paranoid that they keep tabs on me as they have so many others they've cut off and i cannot trust that anyones kindness is real. any time I notice they do not have me blocked on an account, I go and block them. It helps. I hope I am blocked by them on here as well but it also doesn't feel like a realistic expectation.
despite the trauma, having them out of my life has helped my overall mental health so much. I don't feel as drained. I don't constantly think about how much harsh judgement I receive behind my back for being human. for everything I would do.
I let a few people read the "back and forth" from when we parted ways. everybody agrees that many of the things said were projecting. the thing that sticks with me is "you've changed so much" everyone pointed out to me that it's so obvious that they didn't change at all since we met as children.
no matter what, I do wish the best for them. I hope they can work through their glaring flaws and narcissism and I hope they learn how to think of people that aren't themselves. I hope their partner is treated better by them. I hope their friends are treated better by them. I hope they learn how to accept criticism, it's a crucial part of life. However, I do not want anything to do with them, I hope to god that that's being respected by them. If it isn't, and they're reading this... respect my boundaries and stay away. Nobody will know this is about you. It's not a public call out, it's a personal vent on an account thats hardly been touched and has barely any followers. Pretend you didn't see it and move on.
