who gave andy a pen??

i write a lot of poetry and this is where i post it.

[andy-with-a-pen]

hey there. thought it would be neat to list some of my biggest inspirations for my poetry <3

master list of my personal inspirations for poetry!!

Music:

Shauna Dean Cokeland

June Henry

Pigeon Pit

Fall Out Boy

Hayley Williams

My Chemical Romance

Pierce the Veil

Death Cab For Cutie

Newgrounds Death Rugby

Poets:

F.T. Willz / Frank Iero

Pete Wentz

authors:

….ortbs…. (YES THIS IS A FANFIC AUTHOR I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT)

Adam Silvera

My personal favorite poetic songs:

[andy-with-a-pen]

something

i sat in my room today

i stared into the pouring rain 

i let my mind drift off

to somewhere else, something. 

i saw a world where i was happy,

where people loved me

and paid attention to me

i dreamed of a world with rainbows

i saw myself,

calm, proud, beaming 

down and feeling safe

loved and comforted

i saw tragedies

i saw cries

i saw horrors

and i sighed

i walked away into a new dream

to start over,

to feel sobered,

to feel free

•••

the doctors ask how i’ve been

and i smile and nod

say “i’m fine!”

i can’t afford the help right now,

both mentally and financially. 

i’m in charge of the house for now,

both figuratively and financially 

and i’m sure i’m overreacting, but

i made the food 3 days ago,

i bought the gas 2 days ago,

i tucked her in yesterday,

and i stopped my mom from -

i’m the adult now

no more time to fuck around,

can’t daydream,

can’t sleep

’cus im in charge now.

i can’t feel sad

or sorry,

can’t talk to my friends

because it’s not their fault 

this all went down,

not my teachers, 

not my dad’s,

it’s nobody’s fault this time

can’t blame one person

or a thing

i wish it was something

wish i couldn’t brush it off as nothing. 

[andy-with-a-pen]

it’s raining and pouring…

what’s the time again?

we’re running out of it regardless

so does it really matter anyway?

wails of deadly calls

and sorrows from the reaper

spread throughout these halls. 

i keep forgetting what state we’re in

because we’ve traveled through so many

while in a state of depression

i still don’t really know how to grieve

and brother is mad at me because of it

he whines that i cry over minecraft

but not someone i’ve known my whole life

she was so young and had so much time

until the ghosts had yelled “mine mine MINE!”

i grieve differently 

i don’t understand how people work

everyone has cogs and gears under flesh

and i need to pick them apart to get a good look

it hurts so i don’t do it. 

and i don’t understand the people i love most. 

people don’t like how i hurt. 

people don’t understand how i love. 

i haven’t been able to get out of bed. 

until i was forced out of it and on the road

i saw the mountains and wanted to cry

while blasting music louder than my thoughts

god i need to escape

i want to get out on the country

not enough time, fuck don’t i know it. 

she’ll be dead before i got the chance to be alive. 

i want to drive out under the stars

and take backend roads through kentucky

i wanna go see downtown cities

and kiss my boyfriend’s face

i wanna go home

and i want her back

i wanna shut up again

i don’t want this pain to last

there’s someone dead in the room with us

and it feels like my mind’s been muffled

despite the death theres a lack of noise

when it came to her shes always hated quiet

she never got to show me around

she never got to get better

she was doomed to her cycle

of never ending self destruction 

it’s not her fault. 

she just didn’t take care of herself. 

it‘s not my fault. 

i just hate taking care of myself. 

[andy-with-a-pen]

spring, i kill the flowers when i stay.

it’s spring, again

and i’m doing nothing.

i can rest my head,

and watch the time tick by.

i lay in bed, 

unable to get up.

everything i do isn’t fun anymore,

nothing is good when you can’t get out the door. 

all my interests are taking up my life,

and i don’t wanna clean my room. 

all i can do is daydream, even despite

my efforts to try and focus on the bloom. 

the seasons are changing,

the world is revolving,

my parents are exchanging,

concerns of my drawings. 

everything is empty, 

little can bring me joy. 

it makes me sick thinking. 

one day i’ll be employed. 

i’ll fail school, 

don’t i know it.

i’m not even trying anymore

who would’ve thought their star student

didn’t want to deal with torture?

i can’t do anything anymore,

the transitions hurt too much. 

i don’t wanna go anywhere

i don’t wanna force myself to share. 

i told myself it’ll get better,

i just have to wait for the next season. 

i always am trying to find a reason

to blame my horrible decisions. 

because it’s spring again,

and i am nothing. 

a ghost of winter’s past,

trying to move on. 

[andy-with-a-pen]

am i god? am i? am i wonderful? am i?

i wonder if people think about me

do i even cross your mind?

i know you live there

all of you

every person ive ever met

has taken a brick and signed it

put it back and licked it

walked away and never looked back

i have so much to pack

because im moving again

everything is changing 

and no one from middle school is even wondering

”what happened to him?”

fuck (,) them

i changed pronouns again

they probably don’t know yet

i don’t talk to people

i forget they’re still alive

i like imagining their lives are horrible

whenever i’m not in it

it helps make me feel good

and i feel a bit loved

a little important if you will

but we all know that im the reason still

i drive people away

and i dont even have a car

i push people as soon as their in orbit

cus i fuckin hate it

[andy-with-a-pen]

curse that was never broken

everything was looking up

i was looking up

and everything fell down

that’s why you shouldn’t stop to smell the roses

don’t stop and look at the stars

don’t stop to assess the damage

keep running. 

run run run. 

run from your troubles

run from the hurt. 

run from decisions. 

run from those who hit first. 

if you stop you’ll get knocked off the edge

but if you don’t you’ll fall twice as hard

after these years, you should be on the edge. 

but you’ve been stuck in a fantasy world. 

away from your troubles

away from the sorrows

away from the problems

away from tomorrows 

dont die

if you die he’ll cry

you’ll only prove

the statistics right

it’s like a curse that was never broken 

a curse that’s plauged my family. 

they were the last ones to do it. 

i always knew it. 

if you saw me today, 

you’d probably never guessed

that my whole world

went tumbling off the edge 

i went out to lunch

and put on some makeup

i brushed my teeth

and i put up my hair

i was talking and laughing 

and throwing second glances

i was walking and talking

and acting like a human 

i was laying in bed

taking an afternoon nap

and i think that i might

really regret that  

if you saw me walking down the street

you’d probably assume i was going to a friend

or a small shopping trip

maybe i lost something at a bus stop

but i lost myself

i lost my reality

i lost everything today

but if you saw me in the car getting ice cream

you’d probably assume i won

you’d probably assume i had the best day ever. 

but what they dont know 

is that they reinsured the curse. 

and i knew it would happen. 

it was only a matter of time

but i knew what was happening. 

how the fault was mine. 

its the curse of the eldest

its the curse of unprepared child

its the curse of my bloodline

its the curse of mine 

i sit

analyzing the situation

cus its really the only way i can cope

i can’t make sense of it. 

[andy-with-a-pen]

stay offline!!!! dont make friends!!!!

i miss you sometimes

you were the first person to be there

you were the first person to be here

when you were anywhere else but here

i have online friends, i guess.

but none compare to you. 

you were the first,

and i think you should be the last. 

i remember everything. 

i remember how much you loved me

and i remember how much i loved you

it wasn’t delusion 

you said it yourself

that you were here for me

that you cared about me

that you wouldn’t ever hurt me

like how i’d been hurt before. 

AND YOU WERE RIGHT!!! 

because you hurt me even more

i remember how you drifted away. 

you started blocking people, 

but it was okay! 

you told me you’d never leave,

you said you’d be with me!!

and i stopped getting replies

and that was okay,

you were busy! i get it!

it was all a mistake..?

you blocked me. 

that’s okay. 

maybe i pushed a boundary…

or maybe i did something wrong….

but you left me. 

and it hurt more than it should’ve.

i mean, we only knew each other for a few months

but i didn’t even care

because…

when i was hurting i went to you

when i was sorry i went to you

when i was guilty i went to you

and fuck, i was so happy to go to you. 

love, something that i couldn’t help but feel. 

in my head, i knew it was wrong. 

nothing could replace it, i 

know now. 

[andy-with-a-pen]

not worth it

they didn’t save me a seat

cus i’m not worth the time

they didn’t think about me

cus im never on their mind

i sit alone 

mad that im not up there 

i sit at home 

because i gave up trying to make others care 

they make it seem so easy 

but i’ve been struggling my whole life 

how is it so hard? 

when everyone else has no problem 

i just want to memorable 

i want to be good 

i want to be on your mind

and i want to be understood 

i don’t get how it’s difficult 

because everyone is sticking 

to my conscious 

everyone showed up in nice dresses

and i forgot what today was

everyone doesn’t care who they impress

yet baby, that’s what i live for. 

born to be in the spotlight,

forced by my own worries to stay away.  

i wish i kept trying

but i walked away. 

[alliterationless-andyxox]

hey y’all

i’ll be completely offline (except for every once in a while on my art blog ) so here <3

[andy-with-a-pen]

it’s all “perfect attendance is key! never show up late! always be on time! don’t miss school”

it’s always “if your sick never come to school with a contagious illness! you don’t want to get your peers sick too!”

it’s always “if you have troubles with transportation, just let us know. we will help.”

it’ll always be “i’m sorry, the closest bus stop we can supply is an hour walking away before dawn :/ it’s all we can do”

it’s always “if you have troubles at home, talk to us”

but also “if you have troubles at school, talk to home”

it’s always been “if you’re late to school it’s your fault. no excuses.”

but somehow it’s still been “we offer excused tardies for doctor appointments you can’t afford and things that correlate to school”

it’s still “wear a mask so you can’t get anyone sick”

but it’s always “if you’re getting ridiculed for something you have a choice to fix then we can’t help you.”

it’s always “talk to us if you’re bullied”

but it’s also “we can’t control the students. stand up for yourself”

it’s always “never fight back”

but also no one is fighting for you.

it’s always good grades

but the teachers don’t teach

it’s always good behavior

but our only choice is acting out

it’s always facing the consequences

but none of them have ever stood in front of the mirror

and reflected on why they do this to us.

[andy-with-a-pen]

remember back in july when i said i hated guns?

tw: talk of murder (somewhat fictional but definitely detailed)

i had a dream where i murdered a boy

it was so incredibly vivid.

i have no clue why i did it

but , fuck i killed a boy.

we were back in my old middle school

and he was talking in class.

it shouldn’t have made me lose my cool.

but i guess dream me hates his annoying ass.

i went to grab a pencil out of my bag.

and somehow a shotgun appeared in there too.

i took it and shot him in the head.

and everyone went to look at you.

they all stared at me.

wondering why i did it.

wondering why it was me.

their cries were so vivid.

i killed that guy.

from my middle school algebra 1 class.

and everyone stared with their eyes.

and i ran my sorry ass.

i ran to the principal’s office,

faking a cry.

claiming i didn’t mean to and how sorry i was.

i cried and cried.

IT WAS ALL A LIE.

i wasn’t sorry.

i didn’t even know why i did it.

but i wasn’t sorry. i wasn’t me.

he believed me and i got one day in jail to reflect.

i walked home and broke my phone.

so no one could talk to me.

i wandered down a road.

i passed out and hoped they would find me.

but i woke up instead.

i wondered where i was.

and then realized it was all a dream.

so now i can’t sleep.

and i don’t think i’ll ever be able to.

i swear officer it wasn’t me.

because if it was, i would be sorry.

[andy-with-a-pen]

there’s been too much grief as of late.

my spine needs to rearranged

it seems i’ve forgotten my backbone

i feel like time won’t move on

yet things are flying by

i’ve experienced something major

but now i’m just numb

so maybe now that it’s over

maybe it’ll be revealed that i was faking

no, i wasn’t faking it.

i was definitely crying last night.

i just can’t come to terms with it.

forgive me, but from now on i’ll show my might.

i’ll probably be a bit silent for a while

or talk so much it hurts

it’s hard to exist when it’s quiet

something that’s doing anything but fill up the noise

i’ll be incomplete for a while now

and i hope that’s ok

why does this happen

in the roughest spots of my days

i’ll be fine, i guess

but i am falling apart by the second

it’ll hurt and hurt and ache evermore

for the things i wished never end

[andy-with-a-pen]

nothing in my life will go as planned. or maybe all of it will.

i already know what and who i am, and that’s a teenager who’s stuck on small inconveniences that don’t seem like inconveniences to me. i’m smart, and selfish, and stuck up, and annoying, and pretentious, and so so so fucking pretentious. i mean, for fucks sake i have a poetry tumblr blog and like my chemical romance and don’t know when to stop using commas.

i have little left for me in life i feel. i’ve been doomed by the narrative since i was young and that is what it is. i’ll never have money and ill never live past twenty.

if i do live to be older i already know i’ll be a failure who’s barely getting by. i’ll have little money, no insurance, probably drop out of college, be in and out of the psychatric ward, accidentally ghost everyone around me, and likely attempt suicide throughout my adult life.

i’ll likely get kicked out of art school and be a disappointment to my family

i’ll likely end up dead because of who i am

nothing has gone to plan and that’s alright

i’m sure the people in love the most will leave me to die

and i’m sure the people who claim to care about me will leave in my final year of life.

i won’t be able to keep a job, and i’ll be so depressed it hurts.

i’ll hold such hurt and wounded pride and guilt from failing school but that’s ok.

[andy-with-a-pen]

sincerely, a teen who’s still stuck (both in a computer and in that one situation you can’t stop thinking about)

sitting in front of a computer

all day every day

making art with no meaning

creations with little point

the person beside me says

‘this is useless’

and i agree

after all, we’re learning this for advancement

our technology is advancing

and i’m exploding

i can’t keep drawing

if it’s on my phone

another useless app

and another pointless piece of art

‘new feature!’

i don’t really care

i’ll never use this again

and my grade is barely worth much

there’s no real art

if i’m making it for a letter

[andy-with-a-pen]

a modern day explanation of housing prices and a lower class family

(a/n: sorry for being inactive as of late)

i think these walls are driving us crazy

i think these tall walls,

broken doors,

dirty floors,

these leaking machines,

and being mean,

are making me weirded

out of my mind

i need to leave

i need a walk

i can’t stay here

not to talk

the longer we stay

the more we fight

the more we move

the more we cry

we’ll never buy a house

and that’s okay!

we’ll never own anything

we’re saving for a day!

where we might have nice things

we can go travel again!

maybe one day

we’ll smile again.

and i’d like that.

i’d like to get along for once.

but as you know,

we’re scanning the floor for cents.

i hope you never leave

and i hope he never dies

i hope i never feel

and i hope she never cries.

thanks for being in my family

even if you hate each other.

thanks for supporting me.

even if we’re not speaking financially.

[andy-with-a-pen]

always sick

appointment after appointment,

no more money to make me better

doctors keep referring me to different doctors

and none of them listen anyway

i take any steps to being better

and they gave up on me anyway

i’m normal and everything is normal

and when it isn’t they charge me 300 dollars

so back to back to back

with people i don’t know the name of

anxiety continuously going up

and no medication to fix me

everything tastes like blood,

and all of my body is in dull pain

there’s something pounding, it might be my brain

and out my throat begins a red flood

i’ll never be normal,

i’m always waiting to be better

i can’t keep doing it doctor,

i swear i’ll be hurting forever.

[andy-with-a-pen]

i hate myself but that’s okay

A/N: this is a long poem and i don’t think it qualifies much as a poem, but this is about love and obsession and mixing the two together.

when i first fell in love with you,

it was messy.

it was quick.

it was a lot.

and i was okay with that.

i kissed you like my life depended on it

and i texted like you were my personal diary

i loved you so much

and i think that’s called “the honey moon phase”

and then the second time,

i was away from you for 3 months

and it was the worst 3 months ever.

i texted you every minute

every day

and every second

i fell in love with a distorted

idolized

romanticized

caricature of you

hidden by a screen,

and many states away.

i wasn’t able to see flaws

since we had plenty of time.

the third time i fell in love with you,

i saw you in person again.

you had surprised me.

i remember screaming!

and i dropped everything i was holding

to kiss you right there and then.

i think we didn’t kiss enough after that

maybe the distance did us some part

maybe we were over the honey moon phase.

or maybe you didn’t love me anymore.

even though it could’ve been

for a multitude of reasons,

i still just always assumed it was that

last one.

cus in my fucked up perspective:

the amount of attention someone gives me

is the amount that they love me

and i know that isn’t fair,

believe me,

it’s not fair to anyone.

but i don’t know anymore what is.

i’ve gotten so hung up on morality.

regarding my self

and the people around me

it’s hard to be better.

and the fourth time i fell in love with you

i had finally cut him off-

we had finally cut him off.

we were ready to start a new part of our lives.

i finally invited you to my home.

and that summer, i actually tried to take a break.

but i realized.

that didn’t help.

i realized my lack of constant texting

meant you were doing something better

and this summer i was doing great stuff for myself!

i was finally trying to… get better.

but why could i only get better when you weren’t there to see?

so when the school year started,

and the fifth time i fell in love with you,

i got worse.

and worse.

and worse.

“eventually, someone had to notice”

i would convince myself

but i only got worse.

i would be struggling not to hurt myself

and i would be struggling to move on.

i got so caught up in the past

i forgot i was supposed to be looking

towards the future if i wanted to get

better

and you didn’t really notice.

and i got so mad,

and jealous,

and envious,

when you texted back i’d cry happily

when you left me on read i’d throw my phone

when you didn’t wanna talk i prayed that i wasn’t the problem

and when you talked without me texting i wanted to shout from the rooftops

that i was loved.

and then the sixth time i fell in love,

you called me a pet name.

something i never thought you’d utter.

you finally started saying ‘i love you’ back

and you didn’t mind much when i kissed you

and i think im still really jealous

but at least you love me