Heart vs. Head vs. Me
I’m writing this because I feel like I am in one of the toughest spots of my life. As many decisions & choices as I’ve made in my life, none of them have ever weighed so heavily on my heart & on my mind. I had my son Oliver 13 months ago, with 2 months sober, living in a recovery house. We very quickly had to find an apartment, and learn how to be parents. Fortunately for us, we have been able to do that fairly well. I have 2 years sober, a beautiful son, a beautiful life. I knew after having my son, that I wanted to have more children, but hadn’t exactly planned it so soon. About a month ago, I found out I was pregnant again. I loved being pregnant, I loved growing a little person & feeling him moving around. The end of it & the birth was insane, but the rest of it was incredible. If I come back to reality though, we are in no way ready for another child. COVID is still alive & well, so we haven’t been back to work yet. We were incredibly fortunate to be getting unemployment, and managing to live off of it. However, that has now ended. My fiance is looking for work, but I have been struggling with severe separation anxiety so leaving my son doesn’t feel like an option yet. I also feel like it’s cheating on my son. If I have another baby he goes on the back burner. The new baby gets all the attention, all the new stuff. I have spent so much time reading about having 2 children under 2 & TONS of people say their kids are close, that it was the best thing that happened to them, but it’s different when it’s your family. I want to think that’s true, but what if it doesn’t go that way? What if my son doesn’t adapt? What if he doesn’t enjoy being a big brother already? Doesn’t he deserve to be the only one for a while? Get all mommy & daddy’s attention? Be the center of our universe? But am I keeping him from being close to a sibling? What if he loves it? They’d be close enough in age to virtually do everything together. My mind is always on a swivel, going from one side to the other. I put him to bed & look at him and think there is no way I can do this again right now...and then I feel the cramps & the nausea & think “How can I go through with termination?” I truly don’t know if I can physically, emotionally & mentally handle going through with an abortion. I have always been very pro-choice, but now that I have the choice it’s not an easy one to make. How do I look at my son, and then terminate this pregnancy. I knew when I was pregnant the first time, that I was having him, so why is it so much harder this time? Financially, we’re not any better or worse off than before. We’re actually probably BETTER equipped this time, having a house, and more time sober. I somewhat know how to take care of a baby at this point (I didn’t even know how to change a diaper or hold a baby before)
I have looked into medical abortions, read women’s experiences, and have tried to get as much information as I can. I read as much as I can about second pregnancies, raising 2 toddlers, giving birth again. None of it helps me make a clear decision. None of it helps my heart & my head match up. None of it makes me feel like I can either raise another baby or terminate one. I feel like I won’t be able to get over doing that. Mentally & emotionally, I worry it will push me over the edge. I read about women who KNEW it was the right choice, and I commend them on that. I want to reach that point, one way or the other. I struggle so much with this & I am both angry & ashamed that I put myself in this position. That I believed I wasn’t capable of getting pregnant again so quickly. I thought the first pregnancy was a fluke, early sobriety + sex = unplanned pregnancy. I sure as shit didn’t think it would happen twice in 2 years. Yet, here I am. I’ve even made the initial phone call at Planned Parenthood & then completely forgot to call in at the time. (where I live, before an abortion, you’re required to call a number & listen to a Dr. speak about the procedure & whatever else) Every time I think I’ve made up my mind, I get a sliver of doubt, a push in the other direction. I know I don’t have much longer to make a decision, which only makes it that much more difficult.
I know I have spent the entire time rambling, and if anyone’s read this far, I apologize for that. I’m not sure where to go from here, or how to even make a decision at this point. The love I feel for my fiance & my son is like nothing else in the world. It is truly indescribable. I know I want to expand our family & grow old together. But am I ready to do the expansion today? Or I guess 9 months from today...I don’t know. What do you do when your brain & your heart just won’t agree? When they both go back & forth constantly and won’t stop racing? This is truly one of the most difficult points I’ve ever been at in my life, and I spent a decade as a raging addict...I wish I had the answer, but I guess for now I’ll just write about my indecisiveness instead.























