I spend a lot of time thinking about Artemy's "Any choice is right, as long as it's willed" in my day to day life, especially when I'm at a crossroad during difficult times.
I don't think I'm a good person—I don't think most people are good. But, I don't think most people are bad, either. Everyone is mostly average, equally selfless and selfish. Actual good people are a minority, same applies to actual bad people. But even while knowing that, I try to pick the "right" option whenever I can. I have no moral justification for it besides "it feels right/good" and who knows, if I was born someone who feels good for picking the "wrong" choices, then I might have grown up to be a completely different person.
The problem with life is that there rarely are clear "wrong" choices. Most of the time it feels like you're picking from between two rights. That dilemma is what got me into ethical philosophy, for the most part. Trying to distinguish which right is more "right" Even if I won't end up a good person, I still would like to know what an actual good person would do in the situation I'm in. How do I navigate problems with grace, instead of the clumsiness I seem to be born with.
There is this constant looming fear of missing out. Feeling inadequate to make the life decisions that no one else can make for me. A perpetual cycle of dread and regret. That no choice is ever good enough. Everything I do always dredges a certain amount of regret no matter how good of results I get. Because what if it could've been better? What if this is simply a stroke of luck, and eventually I'll fuck up by deciding on the wrong thing.
When I first heard that qoute from the Haruspex, I didn't have any moment of clarity or some great epiphany. I thought "That's a naive way to think" and moved on with the game. It's only weeks later, when I was facing some heart-wrenching set of decisions, that my mind pulled it from the proverbial back drawer and a strange sense of calmness washed away my anxiety.
There are no wrong choices here, there is only my choice, because this is my life at the end of the day.
Someone else could've chosen better, maybe, but that someone is not me, for this is not their life but mine. All the circumstances of my upbringing, of my brain chemistry, of my inner morals and philosophy can only lead me to one choice that is mine. Not necessarily the best or the worst, but certainly aligning with my ways.
If choosing the wrong thing in this situation is what feels the most natural, then maybe the wrong choice is the right one for me. Because it's the only one I could've chosen without betraying my self. It's hard to regret something you truly wanted, even if it harmed you more in the wrong run. If I hadn't tried, I would've never had known, I wouldn't have learned, I wouldn't have sated my soul. And maybe a life lived with strife out of your own choosing is more satisfying than a safe albeit regretful life spent wondering "what if"
dededos
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