Demon of the North

Artist with anxiety - 28 queer libra fat femme nerd - possibly a cryptid

[saxifraga-x-urbium]

re ehrc guidance. which is not legally binding.

[taxidermycanine]

HEY

WAIT

STOP SCROLLING !!!!

shlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorp Drink water today shlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorpshlorp

[brainstatic]

Just a heads up right now: on the day when Trump dies, I’m going to be extremely tasteless about it. It’s going to get ugly. You are going to see a side of me I am not proud of. I don’t want any call-outs in my inbox, I’m stating right now that lines will be crossed.

[stoned-dahmer-deactivated201802]

How disgusting can someone be

I wouldn’t even say this about my worst enemy

Forget the fact that its trump. If you agree with this youre fucking evil. Evil literally lives inside you. Wow.

[a-really-bad-decision]

Anyways all of y’all AND the evil that literally lives inside of you are invited to the sick ass house party I’m throwing when lord dampnut kicks the bucket

[dracofidus-deactivated20200523]

I feel like all you Americans need to take a look at what happened here in the UK after Maggie Thatcher died. Because when it comes to tasteless celebrations fuelled by anger and the death of a hated political leader, we REALLY pushed the boat out. We had street parties. We had burning effigies. We pushed “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” to the top of the charts out of sheer hatred. Bone up kiddos, and I really hope you manage to do that truly American thing, of dramatically outdoing us with your celebrations.

[truth-has-a-liberal-bias]

Reblogging for last comment.

[eyesofatragedy67]

With the way this year is going, the sooner it happens the better.

[hazeldomain]

*this can be reblogged every year

[systlin]

I’m going to make cake. There’s going to be fireworks. There WILL be a burnt effigy.

[jackdaw-kraai]

Look, I’m gonna level with you americans for a second. When old wrinkly and orange kicks the bucket, for once in my life, possibly the only time, I’ll actually want to be able to see the fireworks from across the Atlantic. And I daresay I won’t be the only one. So listen to me and listen closely, cause I’ll only say it once: When the moldy Cheeto bites it, it’s the one and only chance you’ll likely have at being loudly, unbearably, obnoxiously American in your celebration and for once, the rest of the world won’t complain. 

[blondejaneblonde]

…I know I just reblogged this, but that last comment 👌👨🏻‍🍳

[finnglas]

Listen I’m already designing the cake I’m gonna order from Publix.

[caitlynlynch]

I want to see the fireworks from AUSTRALIA, guys. Make it happen.

[its-target-official]

I usually don’t really want to be American. But. When that asswipe finally dies, I will light them fireworks and eat them hotdogs.

[ribbles]

I’ll be throwing a concert, banners and flags of his dead stupid fucking face flying everywhere saying DUMBASS CHEETO or something

[thatofabeaver]

I’ll make a holiday out of it for the rest of my life

[soupwife]

i love wikipedia and i think it is good and right to give them money but all their funding drive messages are “well… we’ll be killing ourselves tonight. we asked so little of you and yet it seems that simply nobody cares about lil ol wikipedia anymore….sad…”

[leakingbrainz]

I'm cursing my followers with this one, bestie

[escuerzoresucitado]

The landlord fears the urban oyster mushroom farmer

[aluminumapples]

I have seen this on every social media site and folks- if your home is damp enough to get full fruity flushes of oyster mushrooms (from stray spores from a grow bag batch), they are the LEAST of your worries. You know what doesn’t produce highly visible fruiting bodies? Most molds. And wood rot. Go ahead and grow them indoors, because they’re a canary in the coal mine if they start fruiting anywhere.

[walks-the-ages]

^ the above reblog right here!!! People in the notes saying "don't do this!!!" Are missing the part where people are not deliberately growing Oyster Mushrooms all over their apartment, but that the stray spores from Mushroom Growing Kits are revealing systemic dampness problems that Landlords cannot dismiss and forces them to take action.

[daily-spooky]

[forepop]

my dad, trying to explain the concept of money to me: say you have a sandwich, and i need your sandwich. but i don't have anything to give you. you're not just gonna give it to me.

me: i would just give it to you.

my dad:

[androfembot]

in elementary school we had. basically an immersive economics lesson that was "playing City," with different jobs and businesses; it was mostly semi-free time for socializing and selling/buying toys and snacks from each other. one of the lessons we were supposed to learn was the importance of paying a small amount of money into health and/or business insurance, because you had a chance of being hit with the Daily Disaster and a huge bill.

anyway, some kid who didn't buy insurance got hit with a "medical bill" early on, so he was supposed to be bankrupt and have to sit the rest of the game out. the 8 year olds were not having it and spontaneously invented crowdfunding so he could keep playing with everyone else.

kids who don't 'get it' are right, actually

[sonnetscrewdriver]

endlessly, morbidly fascinated by how when you're a kid you're constantly having parents, school, religion, media, all drumming it into your head that Sharing Is Good And You Need To Do It, and then you grow up and suddenly they're all like right never mind all that, this is The Real World and it's every bastard for himself

[wheeloffortune-design]

In time travel movies, when the time traveler asks 'What year is this?!?' they're always treated like they're being weird for asking.

When in reality, if you go 'What year is this?!?' people will just say '2024. Crazy huh.' and you go 'Wtf where has my youth gone.'

And if you ask 'And what month??' people won't judge you, they'll just go like 'SEPTEMBER!!! Can you believe it?!?!' and you go 'WHAT?!? Last time I checked we were in May?!?'

[marlynnofmany]

That is a great point. Especially if you time travel to a period of Big Historical Events, when everybody's looking a little wild about the eyes.

"Hey, what month is it?"

"January already, can you believe it? I swear I was just at Pompeii, but no one's going there again."

[aphony-cree]

In the same vein:

Stumbling into a diner and asking "What town is this" isn't weird, the workers will think you're on a road trip

If you ask them "Where's the nearest Nano Deck?" they'll assume it's a shop they've never heard of and say "Sorry, I don't know where any of those are"

Going into a store and telling a cashier "I need pods for my comm device" will just get you a "Never heard of those, maybe try Radio Shack?"

I think the problem is that people who create sci-fi movies have never had to work customer service jobs

[c-rowlesdraws]

every time…

[acfan120]

Some Gremlin is best

[c-rowlesdraws]

omfg I can’t BELIEVE I hadn’t reblogged this adorable addition to my post yet. I love the balloon and the flower crown.

[minecraft]

I'm at a :.|:; for words.

[shodaisatellite]

[beardedmrbean]

just some lads, being fellows

[foldingfittedsheets]

When I worked at the jewelry store there was very little room to move around each other behind the cases. We managed alright but it made us pretty casual with our personal space.

At the time when I first started I was still getting used to that. One day I was shadowing someone who’d been there longer than me, a sweet young lad who I immediately clicked with. We were helping some ladies with a jewelry cleaning and I ended up on the wrong side of him to follow to our next destination, the ultrasonic cleaner.

He double backed around me behind the case and accidentally brushed my butt with the back of his hand. It was immediately clear from context that it was a complete accident.

His eyes widened in brief terror that he’d crossed a boundary. Neither of us reacted in front of the customers but we popped away a moment later into the cleaning room where they couldn’t hear us.

He grabbed my arms and stared into my eyes with panic writ large across his face. “How long do I have?!” he demanded.

“What? No- it’s fine.” I thought he meant how long until I, like, murdered him.

“No, I’m infected now, how long until it sets in?!?”

I stared at him in bafflement but started to sense a note of repressed laughter in his tone.

“I touched your butt! That’s how the gay spreads! How long until it sets in?!”

I burst out laughing and we both collapsed into absurdity. Every time I thought about it for the next week I broke down laughing, he caught me so off guard with one of the funniest gay jokes I’d ever heard.

It was several weeks afterward that he admitted to recently coming to terms with being bisexual and I tsked, “Didn’t make a full recovery from touching my butt, I see.”

[autiebiographical]

Please don't use the Patreon app on any iPhone. Apple is charging Patreon users an additional 30% fee.

Patreon is the main source of income for many creators and not everyone can afford an extra 30% on top of what they're already paying.

This is 100% corporate greed and it hurts all of us. If you can avoid using the iPhone Patreon please do so.

[riverfortune]

Hank Green made a video about this kind of thing! But yes, the TL;DW is subscribe to stuff using a browser if at all possible! Otherwise either you or the creator/company you're subscribing to is getting screwed over.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

hey what the fuck

[bigbigtruck]

Use the site, not the app!! Please!!

[haridraws]

For anyone who uses Patreon!

It's a new apple policy starting in November. Even on iPhone, 'pledging' from your browser, not the patreon app, should stop a big slice of your money going to apple instead of the creators you want to support.

[alicexz]

You know how Degas did studies of ballerinas? This is… kind of like that!

(On Twitter / Instagram ayyyyy)

[helloitsbees]

How did you give yourself an EAR INFECTION eating pussy

im just gonna screenshot from a text i sent my friends after the doctors visit

[helloitsbees]

you can’t fucking do this to me

[pointless-achievements]

Achievement Unlocked:

A Noble Sacrifice

Never has there been a more righteous and honorable way to get an ear infection.

[naamahdarling]

[kroseteaches]

Today, on this fateful day in sex ed, I have to teach 25 9th graders how to put condoms on wooden dicks without losing my composure. Wish me luck lmao

[kroseteaches]

Now to find a way to discreetly transport this entire drawer to the other side of the building...

[kroseteaches]

Today went well overall. Lots of great conversations took place alongside some... very silly ones lmao.

Here are some highlights from this morning’s lesson:

Me: *removes the wooden dicks from my bag and slaps them on the table*

Students collectively: o_O

That one student: nice

—

Me: *demonstrating how to put on a condom*

Also me: *puts it on wrong the first time, even though I practiced twice beforehand* So everyone, here we see what not to do. Let’s try that again

—

Me: *finished demonstration, holding a sheathed wooden dick* so what questions do we have about condoms before I unleash you all to practice on the models?

Student: *raises hand* yeah, I’m wondering how you’re feeling about your life choices up until this point?

Me: o-o

—

Student 1: *raises hand* miss, why are the condoms so... slimy?

Me: thats lubricant, it helps get rid of friction that might cause discomfort during intercourse.

Student 2: *raises hand* can you use lube on a slip and slide?

Me: *genuinely considering the possibility*

—

*during a conversation about excuses people have heard for not wearing condoms*

Student 1: I had a guy tell me he was too big to fit in a condom

Me: *opens a condom, puts entire forearm inside and pulls it up to my elbow* here’s why that’s not true

Student 2: I once saw a video of somebody that put an entire watermelon in a condom before, so unless that dude’s got a watermelon shlong, that’s cap.

Me: *slowly losing composure behind my mask* you have the right idea, but let’s refrain from using the word ‘shlong’ in class, please.

—

Me: what are some ideas of things we can say to people who try to pressure you into having unprotected sex?

Student 1: tell them you don’t want their penis cooties!!

Student 2: penis cooties? Pretty sure that’s just herpes

Me, internally: like... you’re not wrong

—

Me: alright everyone, time to return the wooden models up front. Remove the condoms by firmly grasping the base of the model and sliding it off. Don’t forget to throw it away please!

Student 1: FIRMLY GRASP IT

Student 2: idk if I can return it now, miss. I’ve become attached to mine(the wooden dick)

Student 3: yeah, most men are

Me: *trying to keep a straight face*

—

Student 1: miss, why are the wooden dicks so shiny when you take the condom off

Me: oh, that’s just the lubricant from the condom.

Student 2: so you know you put the condom on right if your dick is shiny after?

Student 3: yeah! If your dick is shiny, you’re doing it right

Me: *trying to keep my composure pt. 36716159* uh, yeah that’s not necessarily the case. You see, these models are wooden. Penises are not.

Student 3: then why is it called morning wood?

Me: *internally self destructs*

—

Me: *casually wiping off the lube from wooden dicks w/ a paper towel before returning them to my bag* so what questions do we have about the use of contraception?

Student: miss can you please not make eye contact with us while you do that?

[goodnight-moves-deactivated2022]

Today’s Most Tumblr Post of the Day goes to @krosecreates if only for the educational value:

[modernvintage]

Ok but the slip and slide is next level

[the-composite-doll]

lube slip n slide sounds like a trip to the ER after

[knightofleo]

Animated scrap metal figures by Guillermo Galetti