Jim stands in front of the door that leads to the warp core with his arms crossed. It’s been almost a year since he died behind that door. He shouldn’t complain since he’s very much alive again thanks to Khan’s blood and Bones help, but it’s still so very strange to be standing right here, on the other side and see the place where he gave his last breath, the place where Spock, probably for the first time ever, cried because of him.
That’s still a lot to deal with, because you don’t just die and come back from death without some kind of damage. Hell, he can’t even explain how he feels, if he’s honest with himself. Nor did he tell Bones that he feels odd, then again, how can he explain it to his friend and Doctor when he doesn’t even know how to describe it.
He’s taking a few steps forward then, closer to that door, putting a hand on the smooth surface and lowering his head slowly. To Bones he said that he barely can remember anything from what happend, but that was a lie. Jim remembers everything, how it felt as his body got weaker, how his organs slowly failed on him, how every breath he took burned in his lungs until everything faded away to nothingness. He didn’t tell Bones because he didn’t think it would matter, that it would just fade away, but it’s something that comes to mind more often than he would like. And by now? By now he’s worried that when he tells anyone, that the Enterprise would be taken away from him and that he would be stationed somewhere at a desk instead.
Just the thought of his ship and Crew being without him makes him feel … like crap. The Enterprise is his home, the Crew his family. The few months he spent on earth didn’t feel the same to him than being on the ship, feeling the slight thrum of the engines where ever he was, a noise to soothe him to sleep at times. That was something that was missing in San Francisco and left him quite often sleepless at night. On the other hand, it probably also was because of what happened to him, who can tell anymore.
By now, his forehead is pressed against the door, his shoulders hunched. It’s not long until he pushes away with a sigh though, knowing that he shouldn’t, can’t show weakness like this. He is the Captain of this ship, after all so he better act like one. Besides, this is just a chamber between him and the warp core and he is very much alive, no need to be emotional about this, right? Hopefully with being back on the Enterprise, he will be fine again.
