[ISTJ: How Parent’s Personality Affects My Personality]
Parenting styles are the parents’ perceivable attitudes towards the child, and these styles create an emotional climate in which the parents’ behavior is expressed (Darling and Steinberg, 1993) (1). Belsky argued that parenting is multiply determined by three general sources of influence: child’s individual characteristics, contextual sources of stress and support, and parent personality. He further stated that of those three, personality is the most important source of influence (2). Parenting style does affect child’s personality, and it’s proven by dozens of researchers (1).
I am the first child of a single parent mother (since about 12 years ago). So basically, I have been exposed to my mom’s way of parenting for a long time (well, duh, for the rest of my life). I type my mom as an ESFJ.
As you all (might) already know, ESFJ’s dominant function is Fe (extroverted feeling). She feeds me with it. She shows me that every day. As a child who mimics what my parent does, I follow and learn her way of thinking, making decisions, and dealing with people. My dad passed away when I was 10, and I assume he was an INTJ.
From her, I learn about social values; what is “good” and what is “bad” according to mainstream society a lot. I also learn how to care for people and how others are above anything. I, as a child/tertiary Fi user, am inclined to question those values and making my own values. But as my exposure to that kind of values is higher than my cynical Fi asking the root of the value (as it is tertiary), it becomes my Si and to me, it’s the “normal” thing. And I learned that I shouldn’t be abhored by people in order to maintain harmony and peace (I soon added myself that it would give me additional profits – pardon my Te), so I shall not disobey the “moral conduct”. Her Fe has been becoming my Si. And it affects my Fe too, of course. My Fe is higher than my Fi in my keys2cognition tests (42 vs. 17, respectively).
My Fe is on the 7th stack of personality, also called by “Trickster”. Trickster, as described by Beebe, is what put us in a double bind (a situation in which a person is confronted with two irreconcilable demands or a choice between two undesirable courses of action). Beebe explained that for example, a parent (ESFJ) with Ni on her trickster to imply damage when an adolescent child threatens to make a choice that the parent does not approve of (3). In my case, it applies to my decision making. Trickster bothers “Parent” (Secondary function) much. And yes, my Fe always put me in a double bind. When I’m about to take a decision that maybe unpreferable for other people, my Fe kicks in and makes me uber confused. It makes me indecisive and unable to hold my opinion and preferences because Fe would agree that holding things to oneself is selfish. I tend to over consider people’s feelings because I don’t want to be hated by people (hence destroying my credibility). To this date, I am still not able to tame this.
Beebe also mentioned specifically about how a developed trickster should be. He picked a story about Alfred Hitchcock who was an ISTJ used his trickster Fe nicely. He was able to make people in a double bind with his Fe in order to cater his Te (parent/secondary) and Fi (puer/child/tertiary). That applies to me as well. I always look nice and agreeable to people, hiding my agendas and willings. I am usually mistaken as an ISFJ due to this demeanor. I persuade them to do my agendas with my Fe. This works well most of the time and they usually listen to my “commands”. I understand that giving direct orders without any sweet talking won’t be effective to make people move, therefore I ask them nicely, minimizing the sweet talks (I hate it so much) but still in an acceptable manner (sometimes I include innuendos).
Trickster is also a “rebel child” in Beebe’s archetype, so just like rebel children do, I rebel with Fe a lot (this might be in cooperation with my Fi, in attempt to make my own moral values). I question social values, reject them, and try to find a logic behind my rejection. But as much as I rebel, I usually comply with what’s normal (remember that my mom’s Fe has become my Si?). For instance, lately, I’ve been questioning why men and women can’t be in a platonic relationship. Why men always took my kindness in a wrong way (romantically involved). That time I was having a lot of male friends on my network, without feeling anything specifically to one of them except pure friendship, but still, they want something (love) from me. My Fe rebels, because the society says that men will /always/ want something when it comes to women. And as a dignified woman, you can’t go out with different men privately because it will spread bad news about you (playgirl, two-penny girl, blah blah). I can’t reckon WHY. It doesn’t make sense at all, at least for me. For me, it’s purely the men with expectations fault. And that time I won’t budge from what I believe. But as the guys keep on coming with expectations that I can’t fulfill and realizing how sucks it is, I quit. I won’t be that woman again. I can’t bear the people’s opinion about me doing this – even my close friends view me differently that time.
My questioning habit indicates my Fe is on stage 3 of function-attitude lifecycle according to Dario Nardi. He stated that on that stage, “We “grasp” the function in its many forms; we question, alter, personalize and make it our own, as a tool with many options; its use is complex and flexible” (4). As a shadow function, it is surprising that it develops much better than my Fi that I assume is in stage 2 (“We accept and follow a social/cultural version of the function, or we passively follow the functional process; we are in its grip; its use is rigid or adolescent”). This is plausible because my mom as a dominant Fe user can’t teach me about how to use Fi nicely because she doesn’t possess it (or maybe dismissing it).
Her Si, as parent function and the one which is visible exteriorly (by keeping things “normal” for those she loves – everyone) might has a role in making my dominant function Si. Because parent function tends to nurture people, therefore it becomes my dominant as I follow her guidance a lot.
I don’t really remember how my dad used to teach me. But as I mentioned earlier, I assume he was an INTJ. I deduce there’s where I ‘gain’ my Te but I’m not really sure. He did show me much of his Te, due to his parent function and he taught me about leadership, managing things, etc. But the Te doesn’t get too dominant, maybe due to lack of exposure from him after he passed away and my mom has the main role of educating their children since the beginning.
So, how does your parent’s personality affect yours?
Resources for further readings:
1. Brand S, Hatzinger M, Beck J, Holsboer-Trachsler E. Perceived parenting styles, personality traits and sleep patterns in adolescents. Journal of Adolescence. 2009;32(5):1189-207.
2. de Haan AD, Prinzie P, Dekovic M. How and why children change in aggression and delinquency from childhood to adolescence: moderation of overreactive parenting by child personality. Journal of child psychology and psychiatry, and allied disciplines. 2010;51(6):725-33.
3. Beebe J. Type and Archetype Part Two: The Arms and Their Shadow. Typeface. 2007;18:22-7.
4. Nardi D. A Fresh Understanding of Function Development 2003 [Available from: http://www.darionardi.com/functions.html.
