𝔯𝔢𝔠𝔢𝔫𝔱 ☆ our history’s tiresome — the red room part 17 (black widow!reader x kakashi hatake)
𝔬𝔫𝔤𝔬𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔰𝔢𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔰 ☆ spider bites (kakashi hatake x black widow!reader) • the hunger games (keigo takami x reader) • welcome to the playground (platonic silco!sukuna x jinx!reader)
𝔠𝔲𝔯𝔯𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔩𝔶 (𝔯𝔢)𝔴𝔞𝔱𝔠𝔥𝔦𝔫𝔤 ☆ naruto • haikyuu • parasyte • the disastrous life of saiki k • the promised neverland • that time i was reincarnated as a slime
— broken bonds (platonic rengoku kyojuro & reader) | your search for the infamous flame hashira leads you to his father. years later, you’ve finally found a place as rengoku’s tsuguko, but you don’t anticiapte that he’ll care as much as he does.
— the maze runner (the maze runner au, series – kakashi hatake/reader) | kakashi knows that you have secrets. they were practicly tangible, floating in some hazy bubble around you that made everyone want to avoid you. he wanted to know how to get out of the maze, and he had a feeling you knew more than you ever let on.
— in for a penny, in for a pound (aizawa shouta & student!reader) | your future career as a pro-hero was more important than anything else. you found yourself willing to do more than you'd ever anticipated to reach your goal.
it's been a hot minute since i've given an update on trr, but rest assured that i'm still working on it! i am planning/writing the second installment and doing some heavy edits on the first, and i want to finish the edits up before i post anything new. that being said, i'm working on a couple of one-shots that i might post before the new series starts, so definitely keep an eye out for those!
the point of this post is that i am going to start a tag list! there are a couple of people that have already reached out to me to ask about one, and i haven't done it in the past, but since this series is so long i am going to start one for any future installments of the series. please reply to this, send a message, or send an ask if you want to be added!
The man kneeling at your feet let out a quiet, involuntary whimper at your cooed words, and you had to fight back a smile. He truly was a sight to behold when he was on his knees.
You were sitting in a plush, cushioned chair above him, stroking the cheek that he had pressed against your thigh. His bruising grip around your ankle was the only sign of tension in his otherwise relaxed body. And the adoration in his gaze—the need—almost made you want to hold out on him a little bit longer.
"Please," he choked, leaving light, fluttering kisses anywhere he could reach. You buried a hand in his hair and gave the strands a firm tug when he scraped the tips of his fangs against your skin. The effort to lift his eyes to yours and retract his them looked painful, but he was nothing if not patient.
"Did you wait to eat the whole time I was gone?" you asked, releasing your grip when you were sure he wouldn't be tempted to bite again and stroking your fingers through the messy strands of his hair. He nodded, squeezing your ankle tighter as if in an attempt to convey his hunger and desperation. "My love, you didn't need to."
You both knew it was a lie. He needed this—the torture, the teasing, and the satisfaction when he finally sank his teeth into your soft, fragile flesh. When you finally let him have a taste...he wanted to starve himself each and every day just to hold on to the euphoria.
But this was the hardest part...having you here, so close that he could practically taste your blood, but being told to wait.
And he would. Of course he would. He would do anything you said, and you knew it.
"Poor thing. You must be hungry," you muttered, releasing his hair and placing a gentle hand on his cheek. He closed his eyes, turning his face into the touch and kissing your palm, "or maybe...we should rest a while before dinner."
"N-no," he croaked, eyes widening the moment the word left his lips. "I mean, I-"
"So desperate," you said, clicking your tongue and grasping his chin between your fingers, "fine. Just a taste for now."
He nodded, eager and needy and so, so hungry.
"Just a taste," he repeated, gaze falling to where you held your wrist in front of him. He glanced up at you one more time, and at your nod, sunk his teeth eagerly into your arm. You gasped when his fangs broke the thin layer of skin and added two wounds to a growing collection of small scars dotting your wrist. He moaned, eyes rolling back as he finally got to eat—finally got to taste you. It had been days since you'd left, and he wasn't sure what he would have done if you'd returned any later.
Just a taste, he reminded himself. He gripped your arm, squeezing tight enough to bruise as a groan slipped from his throat. He didn't register the feeling of tears building in the corners of his eyes until one slipped down his cheek. There was no use trying to fight them back—not when he was finally getting to sink his teeth into your flesh and feast like a man starved.
"That's enough for now," you said lightly when the salty drop of water hit your skin. Immediately, he relaxed his mouth and extracted his fangs. You brushed your thumb over the trail that his tear had left behind as he swiped his tongue over the spots of blood that bloomed from the pair of fresh wounds on your wrist, leaving no drop wasted.
"You were so patient for me," you said quietly as he left delicate kisses over his bite marks. "So good. And you stopped when I asked."
He nodded—he had been patient, but even if his hunger had gotten unbearable while you were away, the thought of drinking someone else's blood made him feel sick. You'd ruined him—if he ever lost you, he'd likely starve before ever finding blood that satiated this all-consuming need that you roused within him.
"Thank you..." he muttered, still insatiably hungry, but what you'd given him was more than enough to quell the painful pangs of hunger he'd felt only moments earlier.
"You can have more soon, my love. Once we've both rested."
He assented with an unintelligible murmur as you led him to the bedroom, knowing that he'd be well taken care of before the sun rose.
pairings | kakashi hatake x black widow!reader + sakura haruno, sasuke uchiha, naruto uzumaki, orochimaru, kabuto yakushi, ino yamanaka, might guy, hiruzen sarutobi, shikamaru nara, dosu kinuta, hinata hyuga,
warnings | angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, slow burn, allusion to suicide, descriptions of scars, threats of death, abuse, choking (non-sexual), violence, mind control, torture, weapons, dissociation, descriptions of injuries, blood, discussion of themes present in naruto and black widow/mcu
links | read on ao3 | playist | inspo tag | pinterest board | milanote | main masterlist
book one: the room room
summary | kakashi wants to have all of his kids back under one roof, and you just want to make sure you can stay with sakura long enough to ensure her safety. you and kakashi end up bonding over your shared concern for the girl.
father, save me! i, the traitor (part 1)
i’m in ruins, but it’s what I wanted all along (part 2)
this fire of devotion (it burns me) (part 3)
i fought time; it won in a landslide (part 4)
skin-scarred and buried deep (part 5)
i know you’re a man-made fortress (part 6)
my struggling form, my willing soul (part 7)
will you let me come closer to you? (part 8)
i set a fire to my soul (i hope it ate ‘till it was full) (part 9)
will you remember me as i am now? (part 10)
they lose their minds for us (part 11)
of humble origins and born of the cursed sex (part 12)
yes, these new walls are pretty hard to crack (part 13)
i’m sorry i’m the one you love (part 14)
bite the hand that feeds me (bite the hand that needs me) (part 15)
i am your lover and i am your jailor (part 16)
our history’s tiresome (part 17)
status | completed
➣ word count: 119k
interlude i: shadows of ourselves
i'm so willing to be proven wrong | the end of "will you remember me as i am now" (trr ch. 10) from kakashi's perspective (coming soon)
Just wanted to say that I’m still thinking about your black widow! Reader series. You truly have a gift for storytelling and I’m so attached to the characters.
omg this made my day! thank you so much for reading, it’s super motivating to know that people are enjoying it. i was actually just working on the first chapter of book two today, so definitely stay tuned for that!! 🫶
Our History's Tiresome (The Red Room pt.17) | As you begin coming to terms with your place in the world, you find that leaning on your new-found family doesn't have to be burdensome. In fact, it might be what all of you need to begin healing. (Marvel AU) – spotify playlist | read on ao3
Pairings | Kakashi Hatake x Black Widow!Reader + Sakura Haruno, Sasuke Uchiha, Naruto Uzumaki, Tsunade Senju, Danzo Shimura, Sai, Orochimaru, Itachi Uchiha
Warnings | female!reader, angst, fluff, hurt/comfort (yeah we're not getting.a happy-go-lucky chapter just bc its the last one), nightmares, mild body horror, blood
Word count | 6.8k
(previous chapter) | (series masterlist)
"But will you return? I came looking for you. I want to go home."
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
You'd taken Kakashi's bed for granted before you were back between his sheets.
The Red Room's beds were certainly passable. They were small, lumpy futons spread in two rows across the floor of a room you shared with the other Widows. Still, it was more than nothing. At that point, you were grateful for what you'd been given.
But then you got a taste of real comfort. A bed stocked with blankets for cold nights and a pillow that was fluffy and full rather than flat and impossible to sleep on comfortably. You wondered how you’d ever slept on anything else.
When you went back to Orochimaru, you realized that you had taken the Red Room for granted. At that abandoned base, you were often left laying on the reclined chair that kept you locked in place with metal cuffs around your wrists, ankles, and neck. It was easier than moving you in the state that Orochimaru’s experiments often left you in at the end of each day.
Now, as you cracked your eyes open and took in the sight of Kakashi laying in front of you, you wondered if you'd ever be able to sleep peacefully anywhere else.
You're getting too soft, a voice whispered in your head, hiding in the shadows yet still petulantly refusing to vacate. Ignoring that voice's constant reprimands was becoming almost as easy as listening to them had been once.
You ran a finger over the curve of Kakashi's cheek and along his jawline with a featherlight touch, doing your best not to wake him. By the time your fingers reached his parted lips, the voice had gone quiet, seemingly just as entranced by the sight before it as you were.
You pulled your hand back when he shifted and let out a sigh before settling back into the same position. After a few seconds of stillness, he reached forward and wrapped gentle fingers around your wrist, tugged it forward and placed it back on his cheek. He sank back into the pillow below him with another contented sigh.
"G'morning," he mumbled, inching closer to you until you relented and met him halfway, letting him bury his face in your chest. He wrapped an arm around your waist, and you moved your hand so you could run your fingers through his hair. "Mm. That feels nice."
You chuckled, tugging at his hair until he pulled his face away from your neck and sleepily met your eyes. You felt your heartbeat pick up as you touched your forehead to his, then tilted your head to meet his lips. He leaned closer, propping himself on one elbow and sliding his fingers over the back of your neck.
Your body felt hot despite the cool breeze coming in through the open window. Your heart was practically beating out of your chest in an embarrassing show of your feelings. He lifted himself over you, never pulling his lips from yours as he grabbed the hand that was still in his hair and pinned it below you.
His lips were relentless as he slipped his tongue into your mouth, pushing you further and further into the mattress. He seemed to get heavier on top of you with each moment that passed, and a spike of anxiety made you go rigid in his hold.
"Kakashi," you muttered into his lips, beginning to panic as you tried to move away from him, but there was nowhere for you to go, "hold on—"
He was quick to break the kiss, but he didn't pull his weight off of you. Instead, he stayed bent over you and slowly dragged his lips over your cheek until they reached the shell of your ear.
"Oh, little spider," a sickeningly familiar voice whispered, "what's wrong? I thought you'd gotten past these childish fears."
A chill shot through you at the feeling of cold lips brushing your ear. Fear was an icy knife between your ribs, twisting and digging deeper until you felt it embed itself in your heart. Its chill spread through your veins, paralyzing you and putting you at the mercy of the man hovering above you. You couldn't move your head to look at who it was, but you didn't need to. You knew too well who would be staring back at you—even dead, that voice was impossible to forget
"I killed you," you muttered, finally cracking your eyes open to meet his serpentine gaze. "You're dead."
Now that you had locked eyes with him, you were finding it impossible to look away. Blood was leaking between his eyes from the bullet hole on his forehead. It dripped down his nose and landed on your face like crimson teardrops. You felt sick and tried to move again, but it was like you were no longer in control of your body.
"You did," he responded evenly, no hint of anger in his voice despite what you'd done. He barely seemed to notice the blood, but it showed no signs of slowing, "but here I am."
You blinked away the blood that fell dangerously close to your eyes.
"Let me go," you demanded, finally regaining some control over your limbs as you began to fight against his hold on your hands. His hips were pinning you against the bed, and had he been real, you may have been able to throw him off. But here, you could barely move him at all. It was like he was anchored in place, not unwilling but unable to move off of you.
Then he began to change. His eyes went blank and lifeless, and his head fell forward like someone had snapped the strings holding him up. His features started stripping away, leaving behind bare bone and muscle and tendon. You watched, horrified as the man on top of you fell apart before your eyes. His skin split and decayed, tearing itself apart so that new features could grow where the old ones dissolved. His eyes rolled, yellow irises and slit pupils suddenly disappearing. Familiar brown eyes rolled back into place, though they stared down at you with the same coldness as Orochimaru’s had. Now it was Kakashi staring down at you, but a different Kakashi than before. This one was a very familiar lie.
Your defenses were immediately raised high. You wouldn’t fall for this trick again.
"You're not real."
You spoke the words like a prayer, still held against the bed despite your best efforts to pull your hands from his tightening grip.
"Let me go," you repeated through grit teeth, though you felt paralyzed beneath him once again. The sudden strength that had found you in your desperation to escape seeped from your pores, leaving you helpless and completely at his mercy.
"Why?" he asked calmly, though his voice sounded...wrong. It was distorted and off, like he hadn't quite figured out how to perfectly imitate Kakashi's inflection, "I thought you wanted me."
"Not you," you said, almost hysterical. A laugh bubbled from your throat. You might have finally gone insane. But even if you had, you would not let yourself be tricked. Not again, "you're not him."
He seemed to study you for a moment. The only sound in the room was your panicked breathing, but he only stared until he finally seemed to come to some sort of conclusion.
"Someone real," he said calmly, his face beginning to melt away again, "and someone living."
Kakashi's face began to crack and decay just like Orochimaru's had. You closed your eyes, but you still heard the sickening shifts of bones as his features shifted into a new face. When you opened them, new skin was crawling up his face. He heaved in a long, deep breath through his nose once the skin had fully formed around it, then met your gaze for a third time.
"Maybe this will be up to your standard, then."
Staring down at you now was Itachi Uchiha. Your breath halted, fear gripping you in a way that it hadn't before. This was a monster you had no idea how to defeat. A man who was still a complete and utter mystery to you.
He was with the Akatsuki, which made him a very real threat to the people you wanted to protect.
"You're meant to be the very best that HYDRA has to offer," he said coldly, narrowed eyes hard as steel. You choked, panic clawing up your throat, "and look at you. What a waste."
He released the tight grip he had on your wrists and wrapped his fingers around your throat, squeezing with so much strength that you wondered if he truly wanted to kill you.
Perhaps he regretted leaving you alive, and now he’d come to correct his mistake.
Despite their freedom, your arms were still locked in place above your head. It felt as if the weight of hands holding them down had never left, but you knew that it was nothing but pure terror keeping you from moving.
Itachi squeezed your throat harder, pressing all of his weight down until your vision began to blur. All the while, his dark eyes watched you with a gleam of satisfaction.
“Don’t you just want it to be over?” he asked calmly. “Don’t you want to wake up?”
You choked on a reply, survival instincts kicking in just enough that you could move to grip his wrists, desperately trying to pry them from your throat.
“I said,” he boomed, voice inhumanly loud. You released his wrists and lifted your hands up to cover your ears. “wake up!”
You sat up with a gasp, lashing out at the body in front of you. They stepped back with a grunt, and you quickly felt around your neck to take in the damage.
There was nothing. Not even any pain when you pressed against where bruises should have been forming. With a dreadful feeling of clarity, you looked up at the person you’d shoved away.
Genma did not look very enthused to be seeing you again, but he was good enough to give you a moment to catch your breath. You blinked, looking down at the small futon below you. It wasn’t lumpy like the ones in the Red Room, but it didn’t compare to the comforts of Kakashi’s room.
“What?” you asked, far harsher than you’d intended. Genma narrowed his eyes.
“The Director is waiting for you outside,” he grumbled, eyeing you as you attempted to compose yourself. You ran a hand over your face, trying to scrub away the image of Kakashi’s face peeling away and the feeling of fingers squeezing your neck. Genma’s patience lasted all of ten seconds.
“Let’s go,” he snapped, already turning from where you were beginning to stand and striding towards the door to the cell block. You threw your blanket to the side and pulled on your shoes as you stumbled down the hall, hopping on one foot so you could shove the other into your boot. By the time Genma opened the door, you’d managed to fit two unlaced shoes on the correct feet. You probably looked about as shaken up as you felt, but when the door opened to reveal Tsunade standing patiently on the other side, you figured she wouldn't question your disheveled state.
You grew just a bit fonder of her when she barely gave you a once over before turning away from you and striding down the hall away from the cell block.
“Good news,” she said, though there was little enthusiasm on her face. “You’re not my prisoner anymore.”
"I want you all to stay calm when I tell you this."
Naruto was practically vibrating. Sakura was leaning so far forward that Kakashi thought she would tip over. Even Sasuke was looking at him with eager curiosity. They all knew what this was about—there was no other news that he would have announced with so much caution and ceremony. He'd gathered the three of them in a small conference room, summoning them for a private conversation for the first time since they'd arrived. Kakashi had felt too guilty to do so before, and the air of anger and depression they'd been sitting in would have been hard to breach with anything other than the news he was bringing them now.
"C'mon, Kakashi-Sensei," Sakura groaned, taking an eager step forward, "is she out? Did Tsunade-Sensei let her go?"
"About time," Sasuke grumbled.
Kakashi sighed at their presumption—it was a bad habit that they'd eventually need to break as they climbed SHIELD's ranks, though it felt slightly redundant to say this when they were correct.
"Yes," Kakashi said calmly, "she's out. But there are conditions to—"
Kakashi was very quickly drowned out by Naruto's triumphant shout, coupled with Sakura's whooping and laughing. Naruto pulled her and a barely-smiling Sasuke into a hug, letting out happy giggles as he squeezed the two as if they'd freed you themselves.
Kakashi paused, letting the celebration run its course before he let them down easy with the less-exciting news. It was true that you were no longer trapped in a cell while SHIELD deliberated your fate. But you hadn't gone through a trial yet. You were still under strict supervision from SHIELD, and you weren't going to begin any training—let alone start going on missions—until you'd been given level-one clearance.
His fear was that Danzo would make the process as long as possible, giving you far more hoops to jump through than was fair. He let out a long, labored exhale at the thought as Naruto continued to celebrate, dragging an equally-excited Sakura and a reluctant, grumbling Sasuke into the mix.
"Can we see her?" Sakura asked suddenly, wide-eyes trained on him once again. The others paused as well, looking at him expectantly "You told us that she remembers everything—that means we can be around her again, doesn't it?"
"It does," he said he nodded, "but there are still going to be–"
"Finally," Sasuke said at the same time that Naruto let out another, somehow louder celebratory shout. Kakashi closed his eyes, head tilting back as another round of chatter began. Even Sasuke was beginning to get more excited, participating in eager conversation with Sakura and Naruto.
"I was starting to think of breaking her out! Good thing they freed her or they would've been in for a big surprise! Believe it!"
"That would've made things worse, stupid!" Sakura told him, though her grin didn't budge, "but it doesn't matter! I knew Tsunade-sensei would come through!"
Kakashi sighed again, louder and far more laboured than the previous one. He hoped that Tsunade hadn't heard that little confession from the other side of the door. Sasuke glanced at him, a gleam of suspicion in his eyes.
"What is it?" he asked hesitantly, eyeing Kakashi as if he was going to put you back in a cell himself, "is there something else?"
Kakashi felt his eye twitch.
"How intuitive of you," he grumbled, "Tsunade has been negotiating with Danzo and the council about the possibility of recruiting Y/N. Once her trial is over—assuming it goes well for us—she'll go through a period of heavily supervised missions and training.
"Danzo also wants to have an agent of his choosing overseeing her at all times for the foreseeable future. I assume he's going to try and build a case against her with anything his agent can gather, so we'll have to be careful. Even if there's nothing suspicious going on, I'm sure Danzo will try and twist things in his favor."
All three nodded. They knew how Danzo operated—most in SHIELD did. It was an open secret that the man's tactics were questionable, but he had never broken any laws or SHIELD regulations.
None that Kakashi could prove, at least.
"That's not fair!" Naruto insisted, "She's already proven herself plenty. She saved Sakura!"
"She's proven herself to us, but that doesn't hold much weight for the rest of SHIELD," Kakashi corrected. He knew, objectively, that asking SHIELD to accept you unquestionably was unreasonable. Had it been anyone else, he would've been appalled at the mere suggestion of it.
But it wasn't anyone else.
"And she wasn't just HYDRA—she was a Black Widow. She was raised by someone who betrayed SHIELD, and everyone knows it. People are bound to be suspicious."
He glanced at Sasuke pointedly, but the boy was quick to avert his eyes.
"Can we see her?"
The anger had drained from Sakura's voice—all that was left was quiet hope. Now she just looked tired and desperate to see you. Kakashi understood the feeling all too well.
Kakashi reached up and rapped his knuckle on the door behind him. It opened almost immediately, and Tsunade poked her head in to scrutinize the room's occupants before stepping to the side.
Sakura's gasp was nearly drowned out by another, somehow louder shout from Naruto. Kakashi barely had time to move out of the way before the two were barreling towards you. Sakura reached you first, arms wrapping tightly around your waist like she could keep you anchored at her side through sheer willpower. Naruto followed after her, gathering you and Sakura up in his arms with a gleeful laugh.
"You're okay," Sakura muttered into your shoulder, repeating the words over and over like a prayer.
You smiled, pulling both Sakura and Naruto further into your chest and nodding against Sakura's hair.
"I'm okay."
Kakashi saw your fight to keep tears from falling and took a step towards you, reaching a hand up to the small of your back and brushing a thumb over your spine. You let out a shaking sigh, relaxing into Sakura and Naruto as if finally accepting that this was reality.
You glanced up at Sasuke, who was staring at the floor rather than watching the display in front of him. Kakashi could see his clenched fists trembling.
You slid past Sakura and Naruto and placed a hand in Sasuke's hair, ruffling it with unconcealed affection. He glanced up at you, arms still firmly at his sides, but he didn't resist when you pulled him into a hug. He stared ahead, eyes wide and arms held in front of him like any move he made would make you back away. He blinked once, then very hesitantly returned your hug.
"I'm sorry," you whispered, voice cracking on the word.
Sasuke pulled away, confusion just barely gleaming through the flurry of emotions on his face.
"Why?"
Before you could answer, Tsunade cleared her throat. You went silent, turning towards her with a straight back and a hard expression.
"I've spoken with Danzo," she said after a pause, "and we've come to a compromise."
Kakashi glanced at you, trying to discern whether you'd been told about this development before you came in. Your face was blank, similar to how it had looked when you lost your memories. He had to remind himself that you did not see Tsunade the same way he did. She was your superior, and that meant something very different to you than it did to the rest of SHIELD.
"This morning, Danzo introduced me to one of his students—Sai Yamanaka. That is who he would like to have supervise Y/N during her probationary period. He will accompany her on and off missions."
"A glorified babysitter," Sasuke grumbled, face souring, "what a great use of our agents."
"Sasuke..." Kakashi warned, though he wasn't particularly pleased by this development either. To have supervision while on missions was perfectly reasonable, but off missions?
"Well he sure as hell isn't going to live with us!"
"Of course not," Tsunade said, "he'll be living in the dormitories on SHIELD headquarters, same as Y/N."
"What?"
"No way!"
"Tsunade-sensei, that's ridiculous–"
Tsunade did not look impressed as the three trainees began to shout over one another. You glanced at them, and Kakashi saw the smile you were trying to fight off your face.
"This is non-negotiable," Tsunade said sternly, "and you all should know better than to think she can live with you. For at least the next year, she'll be under heavy supervision. That's how things have to be if you want her to stay. I wanted you all to be able to see one another now. It might be one of the last times you can spend time together without supervision for a long time."
Kakashi closed his eyes, chest sinking. The situation was getting further and further from his control. Realistically, he knew that things would be taken to an extreme. His judgement was clouded—this was nothing more than protocal. Tsunade had no reason to trust you beyond his word and the fact that you'd helped her agents, but you were still a former Black Widow. In fact, this was far better than what his best-case scenario had been.
But his chest still ached at the thought of how long it could be before he got time like this with you again. He met your eyes for a split second, but your attention was quickly taken up when Sakura and Naruto began talking over one another again.
You glanced at Kakashi again after another moment, studying his expression the same way he had been studying yours. When you met his eyes, you blinked, anxiety clearing from your expression as a steady calm took over. He took in a deep breath, as if you'd passed your renewed serenity to him.
"I'll be outside—I technically can't leave you alone unsupervised," Tsunade continued, glancing at Kakashi pointedly. He shrugged and Tsunade turned her attention back towards you, "so if anything goes wrong, make sure it happens loud enough for me to hear. You've got twenty minutes."
You gave her a nod, and she slipped from the room, shutting it quietly behind her. Kakashi heard her footsteps stop a short ways down the hall, and then silence fell.
You took in a slow, deep breath, shoulders slumping as the tension melted from your body.
"This isn't fair," Naruto grumbled. You sighed, placing a hand on his head and smiling when he glanced up at you.
"It's more than fair," you corrected, "and it could be a lot worse. Tsunade has bent a lot of rules to keep me here."
"Yeah, but...you haven't done anything wrong!"
You grimaced, glancing at Kakashi. He returned a small smile, hoping you remembered his words from the night prior.
In his eyes, you hadn't done anything wrong. The sins of your family were not yours to bare, and it was your grandparents who had sacrificed your agency when they gave you to Orochimaru. All that followed had been a product of cowardice and cruelty, but none of it had come from you. You had only done what you needed to in order to survive.
"You seem pretty sure of that," you muttered, resting your chin on top of Naruto's head with a sigh. The boy squeezed you tighter, nearly lifting his feet off the floor in his excitement.
"Of course I am," Naruto said strongly, pulling away from you and taking you by the shoulders, looking into your eyes with a rare intensity, "and I don't care what anyone says. They don't know you, so I'll keep telling them until they believe me!"
Surprise briefly flashed across your expression before a cool smile took its place.
"Naruto, you don't have to do that. You were suspicious of me at first too, remember?"
Naruto opened his mouth to retort, then closed it slowly, brows furrowed and frown deepening.
"Yeah, but...but that's different," he grumbled, though he gave no reason why that was. Instead, he scuffed his foot and glared at the ground, grumbling under his breath.
"So...are you joining SHIELD?"
Sakura's expression, though hopeful, was full of skepticism. She knew firsthand how HYDRA trained their Widows. How they raised them to hate SHIELD. You took in the look on her face with a calculated eye.
"If things go well, then...yes. I guess I am."
You frowned at the words, as if you hadn't fully processed what all of this meant. Helping Sakura and the others had been one thing—that had been out of necessity and a fierce, desperate need to protect the one thing you cared about. Now, you were joining an organization that you had been raised to view as the enemy.
"But it's not about SHIELD," you said after a moment, "or HYDRA or the Red Room or anything else. It's the same as before—I'll go where I need to to make sure you're all safe."
It had never been about SHIELD, and though you'd once served them, it had never been about HYDRA either. It had been about doing what needed to be done. It had been about surviving long enough to protect yourself, and now, to protect those you loved.
"That's not good enough."
Sasuke looked furious. Kakashi had long since learned not to question why Sasuke's mood swing's seemed so sudden and antagonistic, but right now, they did not have time for a tantrum.
"Sasuke," Kakashi began, but the boy ignored him, taking a step in your direction. You faced him with as much neutrality as you could muster.
"No, we all know it's not. You," he said angrily, pointing an accusing finger in your direction, "aren't the only one who wants to protect people. You think we aren't here for the same reason? That's bullshit! You might have a hard time figuring it out for yourself, so I'll spell it out for you: we want to protect you just as much as you want to protect us! And for once, maybe you can start thinking about being happy."
The room went silent, all of your staring wide-eyed at Sasuke as he heaved in a long, deep breath. Once he'd opened his eyes, the calm, indifferent attitude that he generally had about him had returned, but he still shot a half-hearted glare in your direction.
"The reason we're here is because you sacrificed yourself for Sakura. And back then, circumstances were different.
"But you don't have to do that again. And you won't," he mumbled, glancing away from your open-mouthed stare, "because we'll protect you too. So stop it with the self-sacrificial bullshit. It's getting lame."
The memory seemed painful, and as you looked at the others, you felt like an idiot for not addressing it sooner—at the very least, you could've apologizes to them through Kakashi while you were still in your cell. You'd been half out of your mind for the past few weeks, and you hadn't been thinking of anything other than their safety since you'd regained your memories.
Old habits died hard, but maybe you could let that one rest for the moment.
"I never meant to hurt any of you by leaving," you said, guilt tugging at you when you glanced at Sakura's fists clenched at her sides, "but I hope you can forgive me."
"We're not mad. Just don't do it again," Sakura ordered firmly, though the furrow in her brow seemed forced as she attempted to fight a smile.
You nodded and laughed as she threw herself against you again. She wrapped her arms around your waist and nearly lifted you off the ground in her excitement.
"Thank god you're okay," she muttered, "I thought...I thought you were dead. I thought he killed you."
"I know," you nodded, smiling solemnly as you brushed her hair from her face, "it won't happen again."
"Of course it won't!" Naruto interjected. "We won't let it!"
Something warmed at your chest at that, and you couldn't resist the urge to pull Naruto into your hug by the back of his neck. He made a noise of surprise, but quickly reciprocated the gesture with a laugh, far more enthusiastic than you were in your affection.
A gentle protectiveness hummed through you as you looked around the room. Here, everyone you wanted to keep safe was within eyesight. You could make sure that nothing and no one would come to take them again.
Ino is still gone.
Guilt filled you at the thought, but you quickly moved past it. Ino was strong—you knew that better than anyone. And without Orochimaru there to torment her, she would be alright. She could take care of herself...
The thoughts didn't make the guilt lesson, but you were pulled away from your thoughts when Kakashi took a hesitant step forward, glancing at your embrace with his students with barely-concealed affection.
"Do you three mind giving us a minute?" he asked, almost shy as you all turned to him. Sakura's shock immediately shifted into a knowing smirk, and she didn't hesitate to grab Sasuke and Naruto by the wrists and drag them quickly through the door. He heard Sakura beginning to tell Tsunade that he'd insisted that he get time alone with you, but the door cut off her rambling.
You met Kakashi's eyes once silence had fallen, suddenly feeling far more exposed than before. He took a step forward, giving you enough time to react, and then closed the distance with a sigh of relief. You met him when he reached forward to pull you into a crushing hug, arms wrapped as tightly around him as you could manage. He reciprocated with the same desperation, wondering if he could save the feeling of your body against his before it was taken away once again.
Not forever, a hopeful voice whispered in his ear.
Right. Not forever, but long enough that he already felt a gaping hole in his chest.
"I'm sorry," Kakashi said quietly. "I tried to negotiate with Tsunade and Danzo to come to a compromise, but Danzo wouldn't budge. I haven't met Sai, but Tsunade wouldn't have agreed to Danzo's terms if she didn't know that the kid is at least trustworthy enough not to do anything illegal. I'm going to talk to her about finding some rooms in the dorm for the four of us, so we can at least be close by for the first few weeks while things settle down. At the very least, I want to make sure that Danzo doesn't–"
"Kakashi," you cut him off, taking one of his hands, "it's alright. There's nothing unreasonable about Danzo's terms."
Kakashi huffed, rolling his eyes. Nothing Danzo did was reasonable. The man always had a second agenda, but after you had dealt with Orochimaru for so many years, he supposed that Danzo's scheming would seem tame in comparison.
"Danzo is many things, but reasonable isn't one of them," Kakashi grumbled, "just...be careful."
You nodded, though a small smile made its way onto your lips.
"Is this what the kids have had to put up with for all these years?" you grinned, "I hope all this worrying doesn't give you stress headaches."
Oh, it most certainly did.
He huffed, ignoring your responding laugh and taking your hand back in his, craving proximity now that he knew how short-lived it would be. It would likely be months before you could be alone again.
He swallowed, squeezing your hand and leaning closer, "I want to kiss you."
You let out a surprised laugh, taking a step closer until your chest brushed against his.
"Good," you murmured, glancing down at his cloth-covered lips, "I do too."
Before he could do it himself, you hooked a finger over the edge of his mask and slid it from his face. Your knuckle brushed his lips, and part of him wished his mask was still covering his cheeks so you wouldn't see them turning red.
"I, um..." he started, swallowing against what likely would've been a humiliating noise rising in his throat, "was gonna get that..."
You hummed, tracing a thumb over his cheek and studying his exposed features.
After you'd been so afraid of him, being close to you again didn't feel real. It was like some kind of dream that he would wake from at any moment, and you'd be right back where you started. It had taken so long to find you—so long to bring you back to yourself—that he wondered if it was possible that it was all over. That you were finally on track to getting the peace you so rightly deserved.
He sighed into your lips when you closed the distance, tension leaving his body in a rush as a comfortable lightness took its place. Just like the first time, part of him couldn't believe that this was real. Your trust was something sacred—something he'd taken for granted before you left.
You parted from him just long enough to catch your breath and pressed your forehead against his, eyes closed and a small smile on your face as your quiet breathing filled the silence.
He shivered when you brushed a finger over his scar, your thumb tracing the uneven ridges on his cheekbone. After a moment, you leaned forward and pressed your lips to his cheek where his scar ended. Your touch was as light as a feather, but still left behind an addicting warmth. He swallowed, cheeks heating as you pulled back, your hand still tracing over where you'd touched your lips to his skin.
"You've never told me where you got this," you whispered.
He blinked, meeting your curious gaze.
"Neither have you," he retorted hoarsely, looking pointedly at your jaw where your own scar ended. You chuckled, shrugging as your hand trailed to the back of his neck, finger tangling in his hair.
"You never asked."
"Neither did you."
You laughed again, and he couldn't fight the smile that spread across his lips. How long had he wished to see this? To finally see some semblance of peace in your expression?
Your fearful eyes on him was an image forever ingrained in his memory, but each of your smiles seemed to chip away at his guilt. Each shining crinkle of your eyes was a healing balm to the bleeding wound in his chest.
"You're breathtaking."
Your eyes widened, and you let out a surprised exhale as you averted your eyes from his. He stopped you from turning with a gentle hand on your cheek and lifted your face back up. Your lips met once again with renewed desperation, and he felt the heat in your cheeks against his palm and the rapid beat of your heart against his own chest.
He wrapped a firm hand around your waist, pulling you in closer as your fingers tangled in his hair. Desire and elation and utter sorrow clashed together within him, and he tilted his head in an attempt to pull you closer.
He was getting carried away—he knew he didn't have much longer with you before Tsunade called you away, yet...
There was something addicting about the movement of your lips against his. About the promise of more—of something permanent. You were back. You remembered him and trusted him and wanted him.
Your fingers threaded through his hair, tugging gently at the strands at the same time that you leaned him into the wall at his back, Your free hand drifting beneath his shirt, gentle fingers grazing the spot where his bruise was beginning to fade. He felt you tense when he reciprocated the movement, placing a hand on your waist where your shirt had ridden up, but you quickly leaned into his touch, tugging at the strands of his hair between your fingers.
A sharp knock at the door broke him from his trance, leaving him with a bitter disappointment that you seemed to share. You parted from him with sigh, backing away a step but leaving behind a burning heat where your hands had begun to drift under his shirt.
Tsunade peeked her head in carefully, eyes narrowed in suspicion as Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto attempted to see into the room over her shoulder.
"It's time," she told you gravely. Sakura was whispering furiously to Sasuke and Naruto, and all three of them seemed unable to process the scene they'd just stumbled on. Kakashi supposed neither of you looked very put together—his hair was tousled from your fingers running through the strands, and you were attempting to subtly smooth your shirt out as Tsunade eyed you both.
Most suspicious, however, was probably the rapid rise and fall of your chests. Kakashi stepped away from the wall, almost in a daze as he avoided the gaze of each person staring him down, silently begging for answers to what he knew would be endless questions.
You nodded at Tsunade, looking back at Kakashi with an unreadable expression.
He slipped a hand into his pocket and pulled out the phone that he'd given you months earlier, pressing it into your hand and folding your fingers over it gingerly.
You hadn't used it since you stayed at his house—you wondered if your short conversations were still saved in the small device. Night after night, the same short "no updates," sent to you, each feeling more hopeless than the last.
"Use it," he demanded, covering your closed fingers with his hands.
You nodded, itching to lean forward one more time before you had to meet Sai. You could feel three pairs of eyes on your back, tracking each movement you and Kakashi made. You let out a breath, a smile slipping onto your lips despite the rift forming in your chest as you pulled yourself away from him.
You had gone a long time without him before now. You could go as long as you needed to prove that you could be useful. To prove that your devotion to the ones you cared for was worth anything these people wanted from you.
And despite what Tsunade wanted you to think, you knew that Danzo wouldn't let you roam free even with Sai at your side. You understood how men like him operated—you had lived under their palm your whole life.
However, understanding him didn't make him or his scheming any less dangerous.
All of this ran through your crowded thoughts as you walked towards the door. You placed a gentle hand on Sakura's head as you passed by. She leaned into the touch, giving you a firm nod that seemed a bit less serious when you ruffled her hair. Still, you understood her meaning well enough: don't let them break you.
That had been your advice when you'd first met her in the Red Room. She'd seemed desperate for some kind of direction, but you'd said it thinking that she was just another one of Orochimaru's projects. You thought she'd be gone within the week, a victim of the success that Orochimaru had been so desperate for. That was the only explanation you could come up with for why he would recruit someone as old as she was.
But a week passed, and she was still there. You remembered seeing her for the first time and being a bit surprised that she was upright. Orochimaru's experiments, if not deadly, were generally intense enough to result in incapacitation for at least a week. He wasn't kind to his subjects, and you had assumed that was what she was there for. Orochimaru didn't take in strays. Not when they'd already been broken in.
But when you spotted her that day, she'd met your gaze, something fierce in her eyes.
Perhaps that was when you'd gotten attached. You still weren't sure how she had wormed her way into your heart after it had been closed off for so long. It was a mystery how any of them did, but here you were.
She'd been with the other girls her age, but none of them had strayed from their position. Staring straight forward, only Sakura stood out among the group with her vibrant pink hair and determined, defiant eyes.
Ino had been among them, in the same age group as Sakura. Hinata had been there too. It was just days before you'd killed her.
I'm just like him.
It was a passing thought, and one that you found was easier to dismiss now, but it gnawed at you all the same.
You left his cruelty behind with him. It died with him.
Kakashi words rang in your head, but they did nothing to dispel the bitter taste in your mouth. You followed Tsunade through the door, giving one last glance at the others standing behind you. Rather than the sadness you expected to plague you upon parting with them, a foreign, hopeful feeling filled your chest.
You would prove yourself here. And perhaps Orochimaru's cruelty really would die. And maybe you would be there to see his empire fall.
Orochimaru's legacy was still thriving. Kabuto was alive, and Itachi had taken Ino back with him. He may have left you alive and in SHIELD's hands, but there were dozens...maybe even hundreds of others. Girls who were still trapped in the Red Room, their fate to be decided by people who had no concern with whether they lived or died.
Killing Orochimaru had done nothing to stall the machine. Thinking that things would be different because he was dead was nothing short of naive. HYDRA would probably continue recruiting girls, taking in innocent children to raise as Widows.
You could almost hear Orochimaru's taunts in the back of your mind.
And what could you possibly do to stop that, little spider?
The Red Room would not stop functioning because Orochimaru was dead. Perhaps it wouldn't even falter. But something had changed. It was no more than a small crack in HYDRA's protections, but the Red Room had lost more than its leader. It had failed to fulfill its purpose. You and Sakura were proof of that.
Orochimaru was not immortal. He was never your savior, nor was he your father, and the Red Room was not your home. It was all a carefully constructed lie.
Lies were fragile things. Pull one thread, and everything unravels.
"There are wolves in the night. The soldiers would say that when I was a girl. My uncles and brothers in war. My friends, raising me on the battlefield because there was nowhere else to go. There are wolves, they would say. And there are stories about wolves and girls. Girls in red all alone in the woods, about to get eaten up.'Wolves and girls both have sharp teeth."
— Black Widow #1 (2020), Kelly Thompson
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Author's note | it's over!! i honestly can't believe it. this chapter was a toughy. i really wanted to leave this on an impactful note, so i hope it lived up to expectations!
i want to thank everyone who took this journey with me. the past two years have not always been the easiest, but coming back to this fic and seeing all of the wonderful comments you all left me was so encouraging. this little community means so so much to me. i hope you guys stick with me as i continue writing about this little family.
ahh i can't believe it's over!! this is actually the first time i've ever finished a series (even though its technically not fully finished). i tend to get very invested in the beginning of series and then lose momentum, so i'm really proud of myself for sticking with this one. i guess that goes to show how attached i've become to these characters. if you've been here since the beginning, wow!! thank you so much!! and to those who are newer, i'm so so glad you've found this fic! if you're reading after it had been completed, there is definitely going to be more to this story. i actually have a second AND third book planned, but it will probably take a little bit to get started on that. first, i'd really like to go back and edit this one to make sure everything flows well. but it won't take too long! i've already started writing significant scenes for the next book.
i will be posting updates on the editing process and on the status of the second book on my tumblr, so if you want to know what i'm up to in between now an when i start posting the second series, feel free to follow me there! also, i want to write some one-shots in between series that are a bit shorter but much lighter than the series themselves. if there is anything specific that y'all would like to see, you can send it to me on tumblr or leave it in a comment! i've already seen some suggestions that i'd like to explore further, so thank you to those who have shared some ideas with me!
i've mentioned this before, but i'm a grad student and i am working two jobs, so life is a bit chaotic, but i write whenever i have the time and the motivation to do so. my schedule is definitely why i've been getting chapters out slower, but this fic has been like a little sanctuary for the past two years, and i think it will continue to be that for me in the future. if you'd like to chat or bounce ideas around, please send me an ask!
if you're as invested in this fic as i am, here are some extras that i use for inspiration! i have a pinterest board that has all of the quotes i've used for each chapter plus so many more that i so so wanted to include — you can find that here! as i've mentioned in all of my previous chapters, i have a playlist for this fic that i listen to when i'm writing. i'm going to keep updating that, and i've ordered it based on the plot! — you can find that here! and finally, my wonderful friend @turbulencenotforcasted made a playlist for me that i highly highly recommend checking out! i love it sm. also go read their fics bc i'm obsessed — you can find that here!
anyways, i don't think i have anything else to say. i hope you all are enjoying the holidays, and i'll see you guys very soon! don't forget to leave me some love if you enjoyed!
title is inspired by "STAR-CROSSED" by Ethan Gander
Your black widow Kakashi series is amazing. Your writing is fantastic and I hope you never stop!!!
omg thank you so so much!! im so excited to release more of this series, i'm having so much fun writing it. comments like these are so encouraging, so i appreciate it so much!
I Am Your Lover and I Am Your Jailor (The Red Room pt.16) | You're finally free from Orochimaru and the Red Room; however, things have become more complicated now that SHIELD knows of your existence. (Marvel AU) – spotify playlist | read on ao3
Pairings | Kakashi Hatake x Black Widow!Reader + Sakura Haruno, Sasuke Uchiha, Naturo Uzumaki, Tsunade Senju, Genma Shiranui, Danzo Shimura
Warnings | female!reader, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, violence, this is a lore-heavy chapter (if anyone wants to know more about my sources for marvel-related lore, leave a comment!)
"The cage is open. You can walk out anytime you want. Why are you still in there?"
Glennon Doyle, Untamed
"I thought you weren't allowed to come here."
You hoped you didn't sound like you were complaining. You were more than used to spending time behind iron bars, but that didn't make it any less unpleasant each time you wound up in a cell.
"I'm not," Kakashi shrugged from where he sat on the other side of the bars. He had come in quietly, putting a finger to his lips until he'd gotten to your cell in the middle of the long corridor. Now you sat side by side against the metal, trying to ignore your proximity to him in favor of staring intently at the cracks in the opposite wall, "but I'm one of the Director's favorites. She's...turning a blind eye, at the moment."
"Sounds like an abuse of power."
He laughed. The sound surrounded you like a warm blanket that you felt desperate to keep wrapped around your shoulders. You wished you had the strength to push it off and leave that warmth behind for his sake.
"Probably," he said quietly, glancing at the cameras on either side of the corridor, then at the one in the corner of your cell, "but I'm cashing in some favors."
Why?
The question was on the tip of your tongue, and while you restrained yourself from voicing it, Kakashi seemed to sense your worry from your expression.
He shifted before you could come up with a better response, and you held your breath when he lifted a hand and slipped it between the bars. He rested it next to yours with a casualness that you envied.
"I thought Sakura was going to level the building when I told her she couldn't come with me to see you," he smiled, "Sasuke and Naruto didn't do much to help me talk her down."
You pictured the three of them with a fondness that made your heart ache. You missed Sakura often, but recently you'd realized that you missed Sasuke and Naruto nearly as much. You missed their bickering and their fierce protectiveness of one another. You missed feeling like you were a part of the family they'd built for themselves.
You hadn't even known what you'd been missing until a few days ago, but your memories had returned to you in a wave of sorrow and longing and desperation. Part of you wished you were still ignorant to what you'd lost.
"How are they?" you whispered, the memory of Sakura's angry shouts as you were led through SHIELD's headquarters in handcuffs still fresh in your mind. She'd been held back by Sasuke and Naruto and swiftly blocked from your view by an older agent you didn't recognize, but her demands had been audible until you'd reached the cell block.
"They're worried about you," he said lowly. "Sakura is refusing to leave headquarters until Tsunade lets her see you. She's furious."
You hummed. Despite your desire to see her too, you felt yourself relaxing at the confirmation that she was safe.
"Naruto and Sasuke are worried too," he said softly. You glanced at him, trying to hide your surprise. "They've been trying to convince Tsunade to let you out, even if it's just for a short time. They want to make sure you're okay."
Again, the general question of why floated through your mind, but one look at Kakashi told you that he knew what you were thinking. You scowled at him, shaking your head and ignoring the infuriating look on his face. Eyebrows raised and lips titled upwards just enough to be noticeable, his expression seemed to be daring you to speak the question aloud.
"Don't look at me like that," you grumbled.
"Then stop thinking so hard," he retorted, shifting his hand just enough that his finger was resting over yours. You swallowed, closing your eyes and trying very hard to do as he said.
He's not making it very easy...
"What else am I supposed to think about?" you asked quietly, bringing your knees to your chest and resting your chin against them. Kakashi studied you for a long moment, and you closed your eyes to try and block his stare from your view.
"If you could travel to one place, anywhere in the world, where would you go?"
You glanced at him. The question itself was innocent enough—an attempt to distraction, perhaps—but it still made your chest sink. To think of the future now, when it was still so uncertain, only made anxiety bubble in your chest.
"I've been enough places to last a lifetime."
The Siberian mountains where you felt the first sting of betrayal and the painful slice of a blade across your face. Deep beneath German soil where some of HYDRA's first compounds were built. In Japanese training facilities where Orochimaru worked. In the American suburbs where you went on your first and only mission with Sakura.
"Maa," he huffed, shifting closer to you and leaning his head against the bars, "there has to be somewhere."
You sighed, closing yours eyes again and attempting to picture yourself at peace. You tried to visualize it and identify what you'd come up with.
You weren't entirely surprised by the image that came to mind
In your thoughts wasn't a specific location, but a memory of talking to Sakura without fearing punishment from Orochimaru. Of sparring with Sasuke without life and death on the line. Of listening to Naruto's stories about when the three of them were younger and free of their burdens.
Of laying next to Kakashi and finally being free of your own.
You wanted that feeling back. It didn't matter where you found it as long as it was there with you.
Impossible, you shook the thought away, I've tried to hold onto that life once already. I know better now.
"Somewhere peaceful," you finally answered, swallowing down the lump in your throat, "near the water. I'd want to just...sit and watch the sky for hours. That would make me happy, I think."
You wanted to tell him that it would only make you happy if he was there with you. You wanted and wanted and wanted.
It was too much. You felt like unfulfilled desire was consuming you, feasting on your rotten soul when it found nothing else to satiate its hunger.
"Hm," Kakashi smiled, satisfied enough with your answer to pull his eyes away, "that sounds nice."
It did. It sounded wonderful.
"Beg me for your life."
You squeezed your eyes shut, pulling your hand from Kakashi's and ignoring the question in his gentle gaze.
"Why do you think you deserve to live?"
Peace was a lovely thing to imagine. But a dream was all it would ever be.
Someone like you was not meant for peace. After what you'd done, you finally understood that.
"You should go check on the others," you whispered, throat drying as the words left your lips. You wished you were strong enough to let him stay—to be with him when he was here, wanting to spend his time with you despite the bars separating you.
But if he knew how cruel you'd been—how similar you'd become to Orochimaru...it was a difficult thought to accept, but you couldn't ignore the truth of it.
You would not allow him to be tainted by the same darkness that had begun to consume you. It was an evil that you'd been exposed to your whole life, and now it was finally seeping into you, becoming one with your blood and bones. You felt it like hard steel in your veins, making your limbs heavier than ever before.
You had already allowed yourself to succumb to it once. You'd given in to your selfish desire for revenge and treated Orochimaru with the same cruelty that he'd shown you your whole life. You alone knew the nature of your crime, and you alone had to bear its weight.
You would not allow it to spread to Kakashi and the others. You would not allow them to see it consume you like it had consumed Orochimaru.
That darkness was yours to contain. You were nothing but a reminder of a past that they would surely want to let go of. You had played your role, and they had played theirs. Despite how much it would hurt, there was nothing left to do but let them go.
"Are you sure?" Kakashi asked quietly.
You swallowed. You both knew that the answer was no. Really, you had never been less sure of anything. All your life, you'd been told how to act and speak and behave. You'd been told how to feel.
You'd never fully appreciated how complex deciding those things could be when you were left to manage them on your own.
Still, you steeled yourself. This wasn't about what you wanted. Just as it had been when Sakura's life was on the line, this was about what needed to be done.
"Yes," you said, meeting his eyes and ignoring the painful throbbing in your chest and the bitter taste of a lie on your tongue, "I'm sure."
"We'll start easy. What's your name?"
"Y/N Y/L/N."
There were two desks cramping your interrogation room. At the first, you and the Director of SHIELD—Tsunade Senju—sat facing one another. The second was smaller with a polygraph machine positioned in the middle. Tsunade glanced over your shoulder at the man sitting behind it for confirmation. First a question to make sure the machine is calibrated, she'd said, and then we can start.
Your skin had crawled as Tsunade adjusted each of the components of the machine on your body just minutes earlier. She'd insisted upon doing it herself, declining the male agent's offer to do the menial task for her.
You knew she could feel your glare as she worked, and her indifference to your hostility was commendable. Your hands twitched each time she touched them with the urge to wrap them around her throat, but she never once took a break or even paused to ensure you weren't moments away from acting on your violent reflexes.
It inspired enough respect for her that you'd cooperated until she had taken her seat across from you.
"Good," she said after a moment, opening a file with your picture in the top corner and your name typed out next to it. You swallowed as you stared at the girl in the photo, wondering if you'd really changed so much since leaving with Orochimaru all those months ago.
Her eyes weren't gaunt like yours were now. You'd lost weight since the photo was taken—it looked like it was from before you'd even met Kakashi. She'd likely found it deep within HYDRA's databases. The eyes of the girl in that photo, while hardened by the Red Room, weren't lifeless.
Looking in the mirror now, you felt like a completely different person.
Had the others noticed it too?
You shook the thought away. That didn't matter now.
"I'm going to ask you some questions about the Red Room," she told you, "if you're willing to talk about it."
You blinked at her. You weren't under the impression that you had a choice, but this could very well be a farce to gain your trust. She glanced down at your file with interest, unfazed by your silence.
"Kakashi has filled me in on your time with him and his students," she said, "but I'm rather in the dark when it comes to your life before that."
She paused, and you quirked a brow at the expectant look on her face.
"What parts are you interested in?"
"Whichever parts you're willing to share."
You almost barked out a laugh. This was too easy. Too...balanced. You knew what an interrogation looked like. You knew what one felt like. Everything about this room told you that the questions to come would be interspersed with violence and punishment, but Tsunade was treating you like an equal. Like you had value to her.
Orochimaru had treated you like that, once. He'd very nearly convinced you that you were worth more to him than a mindless, robotic assassin.
You would not make the same mistake twice.
"I don't have any reason to talk to you," you sneered.
Old lessons about this woman and her efforts to destroy HYDRA—and with it, you—flared to life in the back of your mind. You tried to push them back, but the voice pleading with you to give this woman anything but the truth was far more powerful than your tired attempts at ignoring it.
"Alright," Tsunade responded lightly, tapping her fingers against the table. Mercifully, the drumming kept you distracted enough that you could focus on the steady beat rather than the anger slowly building in your chest. The sound kept you from slipping too far into the depths of your tempestuous thoughts. Your mind was an unstable place. You did not want to be alone with it for too long. "Then I'm prepared to negotiate."
Hesitantly, you met her eyes, becoming increasingly wary of her intentions. This was not the same woman who had been called evil over and over again in the Red Room. She almost reminded you of Sakura.
You scowled. That realization was doing nothing to aid in your attempts to appear indifferent.
"Agent Hatake's students have been fighting for your immediate release into their custody. In fact, they've refused to leave this building until their demands are fulfilled."
This information was still just as surprising as it had been when Kakashi gave it to you. You tried not to let it show on your face, and if Tsunade saw any changes in your expression, she ignored them.
"There are also those—myself included—who are wary about releasing you for the foreseeable future. I'm sure you understand the liability you would become to us if you are still loyal to HYDRA. Some within SHIELD are even calling for your immediate imprisonment. Of course, in any case you would stand trial, but you know how these things go."
You didn't, but you remained silent. Tsunade sighed, resting her chin in her palm as her other hand continued to drum against the table.
"Your cooperation could be a deciding factor in what your future looks like. I'm inclined to trust Kakashi and his students' account of your actions in the past year, but their word alone will not be enough. Loyalty, as I'm sure you know, is earned."
"What makes you think I'd want to be loyal to you?" you asked, narrowing your eyes at Tsunade. Her fingers paused, and the room fell silent.
"I'd suggest treading very carefully," she warned, voice low. You paused when she glanced at the one-sided glass behind you and wondered who was listening on the other side. You wondered if the people watching were the ones who wanted to see you put behind bars, "I'm doing my best to help you."
Why? Why would you help me? You don't even know me. You don't know who I am or what I've done. Am I not your enemy?
Which means, you thought, eyes hardening at the placating expression on the Director's face, that this must be a trick.
"I understand your hesitation, but your cooperation is very important."
You watched Tsunade for a very long moment, letting the silence stretch between you once again. What could you have that could possibly be of any value to her? How much were you really worth to her?
"I'll cooperate if you can guarantee that Kakashi won't be punished for any of this."
Tsunade paused, hesitation making a split-second appearance on her face for the first time since she'd sat down. She glanced at the glass again.
"I can't give you any guarantees," she finally conceded. You narrowed your eyes. Of course. Nothing could ever be that easy. No promises would be made because no promises would be fulfilled. She would try to keep them safe. She'd do everything she could, but all that meant was that you were giving yourself up for free. She had no intentions of delivering on her word, promise or otherwise, "but maybe we can come to a compromise."
"I'm not interested in anything else," you sneered, "and I don't believe in compromise."
If she was frustrated with how uncooperative you were being, she was doing a good job of hiding it. Her fingers continued to drum against the table, and the rhythm of it was beginning to lull you into a false sense of security.
"Fine."
You weren't sure how to respond to her dismissal, but she was turning from you before you got the chance. You remained seated, handcuffed to the table and left to watch as Tsunade moved towards the door. The agent you'd come to know as Genma stood waiting for her when she opened it, key in hand. He bowed to Tsunade as she passed, then slumped into the room with a deep scowl.
You pushed your hands towards him, ignoring the glare he shot your way as the cuffs fell from your wrists and the attachments from the polygraph were tugged crudely from your hands and waist.
You glared at the man's hands as they detached you from your seat, then took a step back to let you stand of your own accord. With little decorum, but tugged your hands behind your back once again and attached the same handcuffs that had locked you to the table to your wrists once again, guiding you forward with a nudge to your shoulder.
"She's insolent," you heard as you stepped through the door behind Genma. Danzo met your eyes with a scowl, and you stared back at him blankly. Genma halted, tugging on your arm hard enough that you stopped as well. Both of you faced Danzo, while Tsunade stood immovably in between.
"Agent Danzo," you said lightly, bowing your head to the older man. He scoffed.
"This is absurd," he huffed, "Tsunade, if you continue with this...this ridiculous idea of yours, then–"
"Careful, Danzo," Tsunade cut him off, face the picture of composure. You studied her curiously, comparing her expression to the rage beginning to overtake Danzo's. "I'm still your Director."
Danzo stilled, and several emotions crossed over his face before he settled back on practiced frustration.
"Even you have your superiors," Danzo grumbled, giving her one last glare before he shoved past you, shoulder connecting hard with yours. You watched him go until he had turned a corner, then faced forward as Genma continued to lead you in the opposite direction.
"Hold on," Tsunade said behind you. You paused, glancing back at her
"Thank you for taking the time to speak to me," she said, her neutral expression giving away nothing of the true intention behind her words. You watched her with suspicion—prisoners weren't generally thanked for speaking with their captors.
Who is this woman?
Tsunade held a hand out for you to take, tilted downwards ever-so-slightly. You narrowed your eyes at the offering—you were beginning to see a certain danger in falling for this woman's placating words.
You nearly jumped when your hand met hers. Rather than the meeting of palms that you'd expected, cold metal sent a shock through your system. The metal was small enough that it was covered by your palm, and Tsunade slid her hand away carefully, leaving whatever she'd given you pressed firmly against your palm. You swallowed, watching her unchanging expression as she turned away for the final time.
You took a steadying breath, slipping the metal into your pocket and continuing forward, keeping your eyes locked on the floor in front of you. Genma led you silently through the back halls of the building until you reached the cell block. It was empty save for you, and your footsteps echoed against the concrete in the deep silence consuming the room.
"Your meal will be ready in an hour," he told you when he'd reached your cell. It let out a soft beep as he pressed a card against the keypad, then the door unlatched and creaked open. "Need anything?"
You shook your head. It didn't take long for him to turn and stride from the hall after giving your cell a quick scan. The door to the cell block fell shut behind him and locked with a click. Still, you sat in silence on your firm mattress for at least ten minutes before you felt safe enough to move.
You laid back on your bed, picking up one of the untouched books that had been left for you and opening it to the first page. The first sentence read, "It was a pleasure to burn."
Funny, you thought, closing the book and studying the bold Fahrenheit 51 on the cover.
"Interesting choice for a jail cell," you muttered.
Another few minutes passed. You'd flipped to the fifth page by the time you decided that you looked inconspicuous enough that you could inspect the object in your pocket.
There was a camera in the front left corner of the cell, mounted on the concrete and keeping a watchful eye on you throughout the day, As always, a green light glowed steadily on the lense's rim, telling you that it was on and recording your movements. You didn't risk a glance in its direction, but turned on your side, one hand holding the book and the other bent behind you, out of sight from the camera. You slipped it into your pocket, relieved to feel the metal still safely tucked away, and continued to shift. As you lifted your other hand up to hold the book, the metal held carefully between your fingers, you turned back towards the camera so that the book blocked both your face and the card that you'd slipped between the pages.
Pressed against the paper now was a sleek, silver card with a small note taped to it. Its upper edge underlined Clarisse McClellan's declaration, "You know, I'm not afraid of you at all."
You slid the card further down the page and, from the corner of your eye, saw her continued, "You're just a man, after all..."
You swallowed, heart pounding as you stared at what was in your hand.
This was the same type of card that Genma had been using to let you in and out of your cell. It was the card that most agents had on their person at all times.
It was the same type of card that Kakashi had used the day you met him. During that first meeting, you'd been separated by bars just like these.
The note was the size of the card, and you thumbed at one side of the tape carefully until it was hanging precariously from the bottom edge. The paper opened enough that you could press a finger in its fold, opening it flat against the book
You'd begun to relax after your interrogation with Tsunade. The tension had melted from your sore limbs, and your heart had finally begun beating at a normal pace. However, when you looked at the words on the page, it nearly stopped beating altogether.
The card will work on your cell door and the door to the cell block. After your meal, you will see the light on the security camera turn off. Come back to the room we spoke in earlier.
I trust that you won't use it for any other purpose.
You stared at the note for a long time after reading it. Eventually, the letters began to blur on the page, so you blinked away the haze and studied the page again.
This couldn't have been real. It must've been some sort of trick—perhaps none of this was real, and you were still with Orochimaru. The thought was visceral enough that phantom shocks of electricity flowed through your veins.
No, you thought with certainty as the feeling faded, I can't keep tricking myself. This is real. And I have to face it.
You almost forgot what the actual contents of the note were in your shock, and you forced yourself to read it again and again until you could finally digest what it was that you were looking at.
The request Tsunade was making was inconsequential compared to what the letters themselves revealed.
The words, written carefully and meticulously in straight lines across the paper, were encrypted using the code known only to Black Widows.
You and Tsuande had been staring at one another in silence for at least two minutes.
Tsunade couldn't help but feel slightly amused as you studied her; you were clearly trying to decide whether or not she looked like she'd been raised in the Red Room. Whether her scars were consistent with your own. Whether the hardness of her gaze was the product of the same machine that had created you.
It's typical, she thought, for a Widow to think that way.
"I'm glad you were able to decode my note," she finally began, meeting you at the door of her office. You took a step back at her approach, and she paused. "I wasn't sure if the cipher would be the same."
You didn't move from the doorway, continuing your careful inspection of her as if she was a ticking bomb.
She, in turn, did the same. She hadn't seen you standing at your full height before, and she took a moment to study your physique. If you were going to attack her, she'd prefer to know what she was up against.
She wasn't entirely concerned by what she saw.
At full strength, you would've been a problem for her, but you were clearly exhausted. Your eyes were sunken and framed by deep, dark bags. You were tense, but not standing fully upright. You were focused, but there was a tiredness in your eyes that assured Tsunade that you would not get very far in a physical confrontation in your current state.
"Come inside," she finally said, slipping into the room before you could offer any form of protest, "we'll speak in my office."
There was a momentary silence save for the quiet tapping of her shoes on the tiled floor. Then, behind her, a second, quieter tapping began as you followed her deeper into her office.
She sat in the tall chair behind her desk with a labored sigh, feeling your suspicious eyes on her even as she relaxed into the cushioned seat. Then, with little decorum and no warning, she held an expectant hand towards you. You continued to stare, eyes hardening at the seemingly unthreatening gesture.
"The gun," she ordered, tone leaving no room for deception or refusal. Your eyes widened just slightly, jaw clenching and frustrated gaze focused on her outstretched hand. You were looking at her as if she'd planted the gun on you herself.
You reached into your waistband slowly and pulled a handgun from it—one that she could only assume was loaded. She recognized it as one of the standard-issued guns carried by most field agents and wondered if you'd found it by itself, or if you'd found its owner. She made a mental note to check the hall for unconscious bodies, refusing to consider the alternative.
You clicked the safety off, finger far from the trigger, but kept a tight grip on the weapon's handle.
"Fine," Tsunade sighed, taking a seat behind her desk. "Do what you want. Shoot me, and Danzo takes my place. He won't be as kind to you as I've been."
"Who are you?"
"Tsunade Senju," she responded easily, "Director of SHIELD's Japanese branch."
"You're lying," you spit between clenched teeth, "you're HYDRA."
She'd expected such an accusation. After all, her message had been intentionally vague. Part of her had hoped that you would've put a bit more faith in her than that, but she supposed you had no reason to do so. You didn't know that she'd known Kakashi since he was just a boy. You didn't know that she'd helped raise Sakura.
"One thing you should know about me," Tsunade responded coolly, interrupting your clearly spiraling thoughts, "is that I have never served HYDRA, and I do not plan to do so in the future. So you can put that gun away before you decide to become a real problem for me."
You scowled, clearly frustrated by the upper hand she had over you, She tried not to look surprised when you slid the gun across her desk towards her and took a seat in the chair on the opposite side.
"If you're not HYDRA, then what are you?"
She's nearly as bad at conversation as Sasuke, Tsunade thought, already exasperated.
"It's like you said before," she shrugged, ignoring your steady, ever-consistent glare, "'I have no reason to talk to you.'"
You began to stand, but she held a hand up. You froze, staring at her outstretched palm as if she'd picked the gun up from the table and pointed it at you.
"Sit down," she ordered calmly. You hesitated, but eventually did as she said, slumping back into the chair with a scowl.
"Kakashi is one of my best agents," she said. You perked up at the name, eyes flicking up to hers and back straightening just enough to be noticeable. She had to fight a smile, covering her mouth and clearing her throat. You were also about as obvious as Kakashi was whenever she mentioned you to him. You both looked like lovesick puppies, which was ironic considering you were likely two of the deadliest people she knew, "and I've put my life in his hands more than once. He hasn't broken my trust yet, so I've chosen to believe that he had Sakura's best interest in mind when he chose to give you asylum."
Kakashi's explanation of the events that led up to that decision had been deceptively emotionless. He'd told her about Sakura's resistance to her rescue and refusal to leave the Red Room without you. About your hostility towards him until you saw that Sakura was safe, and about your decision to leave to make sure she stayed that way.
All things considered, she knew she would've done the same thing. But that didn't make her position any less difficult.
"However, SHIELD is not a dictatorship. My decision will carry weight, but I've tried to bring us back to a place of cooperation compared to previous leadership."
The confusion that flashed very briefly across your expression should not have been surprising, but it was still disappointing to see how deeply HYDRA had their claws in the Widows.
"HYDRA is a fascist organization. It operates based on discipline and punishment. Theoretically, SHIELD is different. We run based on trust."
"'Theoretically,'" you echoed, eyes narrowed.
"Nothing really ever runs like it's supposed to, does it?" she asked. "Orochimaru knew that. It's why he left SHIELD."
Tsunade watched with only slight amusement as a myriad of emotions appeared on your face. She'd expected that he wouldn't have mentioned his past with SHIELD to the people he was attempting to indoctrinate.
She noted with only slight concern that you looked moments away from keeling over.
"What are you talking about?" you whispered.
"Ah, see, this is what I meant when I asked for compromise. I've given you valuable information. If you want more of it, you're going to have to return the favor."
"I..." you began, though you quickly closed your mouth and looked away from her with a deep scowl. "What could I possibly know that would be valuable to you?"
"Plenty," she responded easily. "You can get me closer to HYDRA. You can tell me about their operations and their leadership. You can tell me what they did to Sakura so I know how to help her."
You glanced up at the mention of the girl, curiosity breaking through your carefully built defenses.
"Kakashi may have primary responsibility for her care and training, but everything she knows about medicine, she learned from me."
That's right, Tsunade thought as you processed this, Kakashi trusts me. Sakura trusts me. It's not only in your best interest that you cooperate. It's in theirs.
"And," she continued cautiously, "you're a highly trained covert-operative. You could be very useful to SHIELD if you chose to be."
You glanced at her, a glimmer of hope lighting your eyes for the first time since she'd met you. She smiled.
"Fine," you relented, arms crossed tightly over your chest, "but only if I get answers too."
"Of course," she nodded, a small, triumphant smile on her face. You let out an exasperated sigh, but relaxed slightly into your chair, indicating with a wave of your hand for her to begin.
"Do you know where the Red Room is currently located?"
You looked amused by the question. This was likely going to be a very long night for her,
"No. It's location moves frequently, and we were always transported blind. HYDRA wanted to ensure that their investments were protected."
"So this was HYDRA's protocol?"
You nodded, "Orochimaru thought that the constant shifting was counterproductive and wasted time, but he didn't exactly have a choice. It was a system put into place long before he took control, and he could never convince the...the Akatsuki to change it. It always worked well enough that you've never been able to find it."
Tsunade's jaw ticked.
"Was Orochimaru loyal to HYDRA?"
"Not in a way that mattered. He didn't care about their mission or ideals. He followed their orders to stay in power, but all he really cared about were his own goals. He was interested in innovation, and HYDRA gave him the resources to do what he wanted."
"And what was it he wanted?"
You paused. Tsunade saw the moment you began to close off again, but it was too late to backtrack now. The question had been asked. All she could do was hope for a helpful answer.
"That was three questions," you said instead, ignoring Tsunade's glower, "tell me what you meant."
Tsunade's exasperated glare only made your expression harden further.
"Before I was an agent, I trained under a man called Sarutobi."
Tsunade should have expected your violent reaction. She supposed she was getting old, as your immediate leap towards the gun still sitting on her desk startled her more than it should have and more than she'd ever admit.
You were quick. You'd lifted the gun and turned the safety off before she could get out of her chair. Yours was knocked over behind you, and your eyes were alight with fury. The grin on your face did little to mask your terror, and the laugh you let out almost sounded like a sob.
"You are HYDRA," you muttered. She wondered if you were even seeing her. It seemed like you were looking straight through her to something far, far away from where she stood, "you're tricking me. You...you're lying to Kakashi and Sakura."
"Just sit down," Tsunade said carefully, "and listen. You wanted answers, didn't you?"
"Not from scum," you spat.
"Sit," she said again, rising from her chair and glaring down at you, a pinprick of guilt nearly making her wince when you cowered away from her authoritative gaze, "down."
Your breath hitched, and you glanced behind you at the chair you'd knocked over, then back at Tsunade cautiously. You took a careful step backwards, keeping your eyes locked on Tsunade as you bent down to pick the chair up and right it. The gun was steady in your hand, and you looked unwilling to even consider giving it back to her.
"You must think I'm an idiot," you sneered, "I thought you said you aren't a Black Widow."
"I'm not."
"Hiruzen Sarutobi," you said venomously, eyes alight with fury and panic, "created the Red Room."
"Based on what we know, that might be true."
You looked seconds from launching over the table towards her. She understood your frustration—she knew that she was being cryptic, but HYDRA had a messy past. Even she didn't fully understand the Red Room's history.
"The Red Room was not originally HYDRA's program. It began at a time when SHIELD and HYDRA were very deeply intertwined—though SHIELD wasn't aware of that. Both organizations had their role in its development, and its original mission was simply to train women in the art of espionage.
"This was during the Cold War. Spies were in high demand, and SHIELD was starting to realize that female spies were particularly useful at a time when women were severely underestimated and overlooked. Sarutobi was at the front of the project, along with a few other high-profile agents. Some of whom were later exposed as HDYRA loyalists. I was Sarutobi's student before he began working on the program. He created the code that the Red Room still uses, and he taught it to all of his students before it was ever adapted for the Red Room, myself and Orochimaru included."
Your stare was impressive—she was almost intimidated by it. She knew that you likely didn't believe half of what she was saying, but she'd expected as much. No matter how much you hated Orochimaru, HYDRA's conditioning ran far too deep for it to dissolve in just over a year.
"After World War II, SHIELD thought it had destroyed HYDRA. They let their guard down, because they believed they had fulfilled their purpose. SHIELD was only created because HYDRA began gaining power. In the years following the end of the war. HYDRA had ample opportunity to replant its roots at the heart of SHIELD, where it could use its resources and recruit its people."
"How could they have known that they would take control of The Red Room from within SHIELD?" you asked, skepticism blatant in your tone. "Are you people really so incompetent that you couldn't stop them from taking the Widows from right under your noses."
"They didn't take it," Tsunade said, unable to keep some bitterness from her tone, "they destroyed it. After Sarutobi was killed, they took the few women who were willing to go with them, killed all the others, and fled. We didn't know they were HYDRA at the time—at first we thought they were Soviets."
It was a very crude explanation of what had happened—there were quite a few details that she did not feel she had time to delve into. If what Kakashi had told her about what Orochimaru had done to you over the past seven months, an overload of information was probably the last thing you needed.
"You still haven't explained what you meant," you said finally, eyes boring into her like you could extract the information from her by willpower alone.
"I gave you quite a bit of information," she retorted, folding her hands on the cluttered surface of her desk, "answer another one of my questions, and I'll tell you about Orochimaru."
The irritated look you were giving her was far more frustrating than it should've been. Earning some semblance of trust from you was likely not something she was going to accomplish as quickly as she'd hoped.
"Fine," you bit out.
She smiled, though she knew from your perspective it probably looked far more forced than it actually was.
"The night of September 27, we recovered Orochimaru's body in a room that you were found in," she began as gently as she could manage. Though it was barely noticeable, she didn't miss the shift in your expression. Your face went blank, all emotion draining from it in an instant. "Can you tell me what happened?"
The look in your eyes was...unsettling. She couldn't quite place the emotion, but it seemed far more detached than she'd seen you since the night they brought you in. Part of her wondered if it was a mask to gain her sympathy, but she dismissed the thought easily.
She'd gotten a brief glimpse of your face when she found you and Kakashi. The terror in your expression was as real then as the faraway look in your eyes was now.
"That's a complicated question," you finally muttered.
"We've got plenty of time."
Your jaw clenched, eyes falling shut. Tsunade thought back to Kakashi's exact words about the night you killed Orochimaru.
She had her memories back, he'd told her, but it was like holding a ghost.
"I'm—" you began, cutting yourself off with a wince, "I wasn't...in my right mind that night."
You looked up at her, and her heart sank at the look in your eyes. You were afraid. You were doing a good job of hiding it, but she had practice in seeing through masks like yours. This one was clear as day: you were afraid of what she would do if you told her the truth.
She guessed that your biggest fear was that you wouldn't see Kakashi or Sakura again. That she would lock you up and throw away the key.
"Kakashi told me that you gave yourself up to Orochimaru to save Sakura," she said, relieving you from having to say more for another few moments, "that couldn't have been easy."
"It was the easiest decisions I've ever made," you corrected, the haze clearing from your eyes. "Sakura was in danger. What else would I have done?"
Despite her frustration, Tsunade was having a very hard time not appreciating the sacrifices you'd made for her people.
"The past seven months are hazy. The clearest moments are of Kakashi—at least, Orochimaru's disguise of Kakashi. That night, when I came to, I was in a room with Orochimaru and..."
You glanced at her, pausing for long enough that suspicion grew in the back of her mind. She noted the hesitance and filed it away as an observation to return to later.
"And another HYDRA agent. When I saw Orochimaru, it was like...I don't know. It's hard to describe. It almost felt like waking up from a nightmare."
Tsunade could almost picture the scene you were describing. She thought back to the moment she'd found you, your eyes determinedly avoiding Orochimaru's corpse and your body wrapped up in Kakashi's.
Orochimaru must've seen the same thing she had that night. That was why he assumed that Kakashi would be your weak spot—that the idea of his betrayal would break you.
Clearly he underestimated the Widows. You were the one sitting in front of her.
"I shot Orochimaru, and then Kakashi found me."
The simplicity of that explanation was almost comical. Almost.
"That's all?"
You nodded, though you both knew she didn't believe you.
"That's all that matters."
You must've thought she was a fool.
Even Kakashi had seemed off since that night. He was clearly worried about you, but this seemed like something deeper. He had been just as closed off about the topic as you were, much to Tsunade's frustration. She almost threatened to cut him off from his visits to your cell, but she didn't think she'd be able to stand seeing him sulk.
"I grew up with Orochimaru," she said after a pause, "I know how cruel he could be. It was like he couldn't help himself—there was something in him that fed off of controlling others."
You blinked at her, that practiced mask still firmly in place.
"I don't blame you for anything might've done, both in the Red Room and outside of it. I'll be honest, you won't get a lot of support from other agents unless you can convince them that you're not loyal to HYDRA, but I'm your ally here. And an important one to have, at that. I want to help you, but you have to be honest with me."
You looked pained at the thought, and she couldn't say she blamed you. She knew she was asking a lot from you—to open up about things that you hadn't even told Kakashi to a complete stranger should not have been your only path to freedom.
But she needed you to cooperate with her. If you wanted to stay out of prison, she needed you to trust that, at the very least, she had your best interest in mind.
"I'm just like him."
Tsunade tried not to let her surprise show in her expression. She'd barely heard your whispered words, but they knocked the wind from her lungs none-the-less.
You and Orochimaru are two sides of the same coin. He chose darkness, but you are far more similar than you realize.
She'd buried Sarutobi's words a long time ago, and she cursed the man for coming to mind now of all times. But she couldn't help but see herself in you.
"What do you mean?" she finally managed, unsure where the steadiness in her voice had come from.
He's dead, Tsunade thought as she waited for an answer, he's been gone for decades. I shouldn't let him effect me like this.
"Have you ever wanted to make someone hurt so badly that you didn't care if you died so long as you brought them pain?"
The agony on your face was nearly unbearable to look at. She gripped the arm of her chair, forcing her expression to remain neutral. Though she supposed it wouldn't matter—you hadn't looked at her in so long that she wondered if you even remembered she was there with you.
She supposed she could give you some reprieve. If only to see your expression return back to neutrality.
"Sarutobi trained a three-person team. On it was me, a man named Jiraiya, and Orochimaru," she began. Your eyes shot towards her, eyebrows raised in surprise.
"Before he created the Red Room, Sarutobi was working on a project called Rebirth. The goal was to create an enhanced soldier with superhuman capabilities. He and Danzo approached Orochimaru about the serum they would use to do this, and Orochimaru volunteered to be the first subject."
Tsunade swallowed, remembering her conversation with Orochimaru the night before the test. She often looked back on that night as the last time she ever spoke to the man she knew.
"The project failed. The serum caused irreparable muscle damage that Orochimaru spent the next five years trying to reverse. He begged Sarutobi to give him the formula to the serum so he could try to recreate it, but Sarutobi wouldn't let him take the risk.
"Nearly a decade later, Danzo decided to revive the project. Orochimaru wanted to be the subject again, but they wouldn't take the risk after the damage that had already been done to his body. Instead, they chose Jiraiya, and this time the experiment was a success."
Your emotionless expression was far more unsettling than your anger had been. Tsunade almost wished you would pick the gun up again, if only to show her that you hadn't shut down completely.
"That was Orochimaru's breaking point, I think. There had always been a sense of competition between he and Jiraiya, but...I don't think he could handle seeing Jiraiya come out unscathed after his trial had failed so monumentally. He resented Jiraiya for being the success story, and he resented Sarutobi for continuing to keep the serum from him. Soon after, he tried to steal what remained of it, but Sarutobi found him. No one knows exactly what happened that night. Sarutobi's body was found, and the vials with the rest of the serum had been shattered, presumably by Sarutobi to keep Orochimaru from getting his hands on them. It wouldn't have mattered though. I believe Orochimaru had already made the decision to leave SHIELD.
"After Orochimaru fled, The Red Room broke down. HYDRA had already begun to recruit some of the women, and they took the opportunity to retreat from SHIELD in the chaos after Sarutobi's death. Four of them defected to HYDRA."
Tsunade closed her eyes, remembering the horror that had washed over her at the sight of so many women—women she'd known and trained with—killed in cold blood. They'd been ambushed in their sleep by the women who had decided to betray them long before that night.
She'd been the one to lead the effort to track them down and end them.
"The Red Room as we knew it died. The Black Widow program was HYDRA's invention—only the Red Room's name attached it to what Sarutobi had created. It was unrecognizable, and after all of its ties to SHIELD had been cut, it became impossible to find."
"I've been searching for the Red Room since before I became Director," she began, fingers woven together on her desk, "and I have made little progress on my own. I try not to allocate SHIELD resources to something that we knew so little about. Of course, these past five years have given me an excuse to take more direct action, but there was still frustratingly little we could find out. HYDRA has had a long time to learn how to protect their secrets."
Up until very recently, you had been one of those secrets.
She hadn't known what to expect from you when she first began thinking about this conversation. She'd initially assumed that you'd be useless to her—that Orochimaru had broken you beyond repair with his experiments. She wouldn't have blamed you for becoming the next victim to his cruelty.
But there was something in your eyes. Something that gave her hope.
"I want you to join SHIELD," she finally offered, "and help me destroy the Red Room."
Your walk to Tsunade's office had been purposeful, your stride swift and quiet. It had been the gait of a Black Widow.
The walk back was more of a trudge. You felt the energy slowly seeping from you with each step you took, all of it used up in processing everything Tsunade had told you.
A Black Widow joining SHIELD shouldn't have been possible. It couldn't have been. Yet the Director herself had been the one to make the offer. Who, if not her, had the authority to make such a bold request?
Danzo won't be happy, you thought with a scowl, he'll probably do everything he can to stop it. He's angry just having me here instead of shipping me off to some prison on the other side of the world.
Your interaction with Danzo had been limited, but each time you saw him left a sour taste in your mouth. He hated you, that much was clear. But there was something...different about the way he looked at you. The other agents you'd seen had been wary. Some even looked visibly angry because of your affiliation with HYDRA. But Danzo...there was something unsettling about how he looked at you. Almost as if he was stripping you down to your very core in an attempt to reveal your weaknesses. As if he could find all of the answers he needed to rid SHIELD of you once and for all if he simply searched hard enough for them.
His goal had been clear from the very beginning: he wanted you gone, but to do that, he needed to go over Tsunade's head. You weren't exactly sure what that entailed, but Tsunade didn't seem particularly concerned about it.
"I want you to join SHIELD and help me destroy the Red Room."
Her words still rang in your ears, keeping you from thinking about anything else for very long. She hadn't demanded that you join her cause, but the implication was still there: it would be far easier for her to get you out of your cell if you cooperated.
Destroying the Red Room, you thought as you shuffled across the floor, trusting that Tsunade would keep you from being seen by the security cameras for long enough that you could be slow in getting back.
It's impossible. Now that Orochimaru is gone, they've probably hidden somewhere far beyond my reach. Somewhere completely new. I'd be no help.
You would disappoint Tsunade. Your information was useless with Orochimaru dead. Yet, she'd seemed so certain that you would be a valuable piece to fulfilling her goal. Her determination had struck you—it had even made you consider, for a moment, that her earnestness was more than just wishful thinking.
She was just charismatic, You had believed in Orochimaru too, once. This was no different—just a new master to give you orders.
Your thoughts were a whirlwind by the time you reached the cell block. Absentmindedly, you pressed the silver card against the sensor at the door, pulling it open at the answering beep. You kept your eyes glued to the floor, still completely lost in thought as you made your way to your cell in the middle of the long corridor.
"Yo."
Your hand froze against the lock of your cell. You looked up at the same time that it beeped and clicked open, though you remained frozen on the other side of the bars.
Kakashi gave you a casual wave, Fahrenheit 451 open on his chest.
"What..." you began, blinking a few times to make sure you were seeing clearly.
He was laying on your small futon like it was his own, one arm behind his head and the other resting against the abandoned book.
It took you a moment to move past your shock, but once you did, panic hit you like a train, making you rush into the cell to get him out.
"What are you doing?" you hissed, glancing at the corner of the room to make sure the green light was still off. You felt only slightly relieved at the confirmation that it was, though that didn't mean it wasn't moments from turning on again. "You can't be in here!"
"Why no–" he began, though he cut himself off when you took his hand and began pulling him to his feet. The book on his chest fell uselessly to the side, and he nearly slipped on it as you pulled him towards the exit. You kept glancing at the camera, sure that once Tsunade had given you enough to time to make your way back to your cell, she'd have it turned back on. And Kakashi—
Kakashi had the nerve to look amused.
"What were you thinking?" you hissed, "it's one thing to be outside of the cell, but..."
This was enough to give Danzo reason to have him terminated. He was risking too much to be here already by just coming to see you. You had to put a stop to it. You had to make sure he didn't risk his position just so he could come on these stupid visits to your cell. You'd indulged in him too much already. You had to—
Hands fell on your shoulders, stilling your frantic attempts to erase his presence from the cell and silencing your spiraling thoughts.
"Tsunade knows I'm here," he said lightly, "she asked me to meet you once you were finished."
"You...you knew?"
He nodded. You swallowed, running an exhausted hand over your face and slumping back on your mattress, feeling the strong and sudden urge to just lay down and sleep for the next week.
But with Kakashi here, part of you wanted to savor this time. Despite your weak efforts to push him away, you still yearned for his presence. You'd forgotten how peaceful it was to simply be near him, and you almost felt as if you'd become addicted to that feeling.
Even after what you'd done, you wanted to be selfish.
"You're thinking too hard again."
You huffed, head falling into your hands as you took in a deep, trembling breath.
How were you supposed to do what Tsunade had asked? There was no world in which SHIELD accepted you as one of their own. You'd create a rift between Kakashi and the other agents. Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke all had friends they cared for here. Would associating with you cause them problems too?
"I can't stay here, Kakashi."
His eyes seemed to pierce through you, leaving your thoughts and feelings exposed to his soft, inquisitive gaze. Rather than being intrusive, however, it was almost a relief. It felt like he'd taken some of the burden of your emotions, willing and able to understand them.
But how were you supposed to tell him that?
I told you to beg.
You were beginning to recognize the cycle that you'd become trapped in. Once, it had been Orochimaru's voice that haunted you. His words would repeat over and over in your head to a point that it became debilitating.
Now your own words had taken their place, reminding you of how little you belonged here, with people like Kakashi and Sakura. You were reminded of the darkness that had always been inside you—the darkness that was finally spreading into your words and actions.
You would not let them see it. It would not be exposed to them like it had been to you.
Next to you, Kakashi shifted, and you lifted your head from your hands and met his eyes. He'd pulled his mask down, a sight that was becoming far more comforting to you than you should have let it. He took your hand gently in his, fingers lacing through yours until your palms pressed together.
"I can tell that you've been trying to pull away from me," he said after a long silence. You looked up from your joined hands, and you hated the way your traitorous heart skipped when you met his eyes, "And if leaving is what will let you heal, I understand. I'm not going to try and stop you if that's what you need. But I–"
You swallowed against your dry throat when at the crack in his voice, your hand betraying your warring emotions as it rose to cup his cheek. He closed his eyes when your palm met his face, leaning over-so-slightly into your touch and releasing the air that he'd trapped in his lungs.
You'd forgotten, albeit briefly, what it was that you'd been so concerned about. You were beginning to regain your bearings after being so consumed by trying to comfort him and realized that you'd just done the opposite of what you'd intended by declaring your intention to leave, but the slate was wiped clean again when he covered your hand with his own, then turned his head just enough that he could press his lips to your palm.
His lips were soft against your skin, and so unbelievably gentle that you almost wondered if he had even touched you at all. Still, it felt as if warmth spread from his lips to every part of you, melting away your fear and hesitation and any motivation that you'd felt to leave.
"You can be free here. Tsunade will do everything she can to make sure of that," he finally continued, recovering his voice, "and I want you to stay. There's nothing you could do to change that."
Selfish, someone whispered in your mind. You'd expected it to be Orochimaru's voice, as it always had been in the past, trying to convince you that you were nothing but a parasite to Kakashi. Instead, the familiar voice of the Widow hissed in your ear, craving the solitude that she had always known. You'll only put them in danger if you stay. You've become the monster that you killed.
"You don't understand," you croaked, hating the way your voice broke. You squeezed your eyes shut, unable to look at Kakashi any longer without breaking. "I'm not...good. I'm not good enough for this."
You had no idea how to explain it to him in a way that made sense. The Widow understood, and she'd convinced you that the only thing you could do for Kakashi was to let him go, but you found that you couldn't articulate the logic of it to him.
Why won't he just understand? you thought, desperate for him to push you away too. Desperate for any easier way out than leaving him of your own accord, why won't he...
Kakashi's hand fell to your shoulder, where your bullet wound was slowly beginning to heal again. He blinked, fingers tracing over the spot where the stitches were beneath the layers of fabric and bandages.
"I did this to you," he finally murmured, eyes falling shut, "and I'll never forgive myself for it. What makes me any more worthy than you?"
"You were protecting Naruto."
"You wouldn't have hurt him," Kakashi shook his head. "I was afraid, and I took the cowards way out."
He was right to have been afraid. You had been lost, completely and utterly so. You still weren't sure what would have happened if Kakashi hadn't stopped you that night.
"Help me understand what you're thinking," he said quietly, fingers tightening around yours, "it's okay to share your burden with me."
You opened your mouth to tell him that you couldn't—that your burden wasn't his to bear—but a choked sob escaped you instead. You pulled your hand from his face to cover your mouth, eyes wide as you stared at your lap.
This would be so much easier if you'd seen what I did, you thought desperately, and hated me for it.
"When I...killed him," you finally whispered. Kakashi's hand tightened on your own, and you wanted to hate the strength that you found in his steadying grip, "I made him suffer. I...I made him beg.
"I was cruel, just like he'd raised me to be," you continued, afraid to meet Kakashi's eyes and see the softness of his gaze shift to revulsion. You're just like him, the Widow whispered, you are not the protector now. You will be feared, just like him. You will be what others are protected from.
"He was kneeling at my feet, bleeding and bargaining for his life, and for a moment I understood his addiction to it. I relished in the sight of him so weak. He was defenseless at the end, and injured enough that I could have left him alive, but I wanted to see him dead. I wanted to feel what he'd always felt. To finally understand his desperation to keep control. And I did. I felt it. And I hate myself for enjoying that feeling."
Looking at Kakashi now felt impossible. You were almost certain of what you'd see. Hatred. Disgust. Revulsion.
He'd never want to see you again. He'd never let you near Sakura again.
You wanted him to go without another word, leaving you and your pollution behind. If he went now, maybe it would be a less painful than if he told you how disgusting you were for becoming just like Orochimaru.
You were jolted from your thoughts when gentle fingers lifted your head by your chin, raising it until you were facing him again.
"You deserved justice," he said firmly, "and you left his cruelty behind with him. It died with him."
You wanted to believe him. You wished more than anything that the Widow would leave you behind and retreat back to her cage.
You knew Kakashi could see the warring emotions on your face. The hesitation clashing with the desperation. The guilt clawing at the desire. Finally, he released your hand and took your face between both palms, looking between your eyes with renewed intensity.
"You are good," he said firmly, "and you deserve so much more than he ever gave to you. You deserve to choose how you want to live."
You couldn't. You couldn't. Why was he refusing to understand that?
You were so desperate for the peace that you'd once felt with him and the kids. It was a life you desperately craved after it had already been ripped away from you once.
But it was fragile.
"What if..." you choked, terrified that voicing the fear that you'd buried deep within you would make Kakashi see how selfish you truly were.
It would expose the scared little girl that Orochimaru had always seen you as. She would be stripped to her core and left to crumble into dust.
"What if I come back, and then everything is taken away again," you finally croaked. "What if this darkness consumes me, and I have to leave you behind."
Selfish coward, the Widow hissed.
"I wish you could see yourself through my eyes," he muttered, close enough that you could feel how addictively warm he was. His hands fell from your face, resting around your waist and tracing down your spine. You fought a shiver, too comfortable in his presence to be frustrated by how easily he was abating your fears and making you forget how desperately you needed him to leave before he convinced you to stay.
"It's not selfish to choose how you life," he said, voice barely above a whisper.
He must've seen the pained look on your face. He looked so desperate to convince you of what he was saying that part of you wanted to give in just to make that expression lift. Another part warned you that you'd only make things worse for him in the long run if you took the easy way out.
But that voice was getting quieter, drowned out by something entirely new. It was a stranger's voice, though she sounded like you, and she wanted more for you than the Widow ever had.
You'd hurt him. You'd brought him and Sakura and the others so much pain, yet he was here, trying to convince you to stay. Sakura, Sasuke, and Naruto were waiting for you despite what you'd done.
Would it change things if they knew what you'd done? If they knew what you'd become, even if it had only been for a moment?
"Sakura is safe. Naruto and Sasuke are safe. I'm safe," Kakashi said firmly, "You're free."
HIs eyes shone in the fluorescent above you, filled with a desperate kind of hope that made your chest ache.
"What do you want?"
I want to be safe. I want to free. I want to be happy. I want to be with Sakura and Naruto and Sasuke. I want to help them learn and grow. I want to see them succeed. I want to see Sakura heal. I want to heal with her.
You wanted to be honest. For once, you wanted to be honest with yourself. He knew what you were. He knew what you were capable of, and he was choosing to stay.
Maybe that was enough. Maybe, for the first time, this happiness didn't have to be temporary.
"This," you finally breathed, the word a soothing balm against your throat, "you."
Peace.
Kakashi had always had an uncanny ability to make you feel weightless. Even when you'd barely trusted him, his voice had kept you anchored in safer waters.
Now, as your lips met, you felt like you were drowning.
The debilitating fear and self-hatred that had taken root in your chest were ripped apart by a wave of euphoria. Kakashi's lips were just as soft as they had been against your palm. You were so used to rough, unforgiving hands that his touch felt like a breath of fresh air. Butterflies exploded in your stomach as his hand slipped around your waist, pulling closer until there was no space left between you.
His lips moved slowly against yours, parting for gasps of air between intoxicating clashes of lips and and hands and skin.
Yes, you were drowning. Drowning in the soft press of his lips against yours. In the firm hands that held your waist. In the feel of his skin against your palms.
He was a bottomless sea, and you were sinking willingly into its depths.
You pulled back with a gasp, eyes barely opening before he was pressing another kiss to your swollen lips, chasing after you as you attempted to catch your breath.
"Kakashi..." you whispered into his lips.
"Hm?"
"The cameras," you muttered breathlessly, "they might turn on soon."
"Tsunade gave me an hour."
You let out a muffled laugh against his lips, and he parted from you long enough to meet your eyes.
I could stay in this moment forever, you thought. Soft puffs of air hit your cheeks as he caught his breath, though his gaze was shifting between your eyes and your lips, grip on your waist anchoring you to his chest. You could feel the rapid beat of his heart against your own, certain that yours was no different. I want to hold on to this feeling.
You brushed your fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, an unfamiliar weightlessness consuming you as you took in the look in his eyes. They were filled with a tenderness that you had seen before—on the balcony the night before you left with Orochimaru. During the nights you spent together, both of you finding solace in simply being close to one another.
Even when you'd feared him—despised him—that softness had remained.
"Is this what being human feels like?" you asked quietly, wondering if this was a feeling that everyone experienced. If this kind of peace was universal.
Kakashi pulled back just enough that you could meet his eyes, face flushed and lips swollen. You nearly stopped breathing at the sight of him, but his hands on your waist gently reminded you of to take in a deep, shaking breath.
His smile was soft and small, but still full enough to drown in.
Author's note | omg this one took so long, i'm sorry for the wait! i started grad school, so i've been kinda swamped in work. i hope it was worth the wait though! i've been so excited to release this chapter. there's a lot that happens and i've read it so many times at this point, so if there are things that don't make sense don't hesitate to let me know!
i'm currently going back and editing this fic to make sure there's plot coherence since i'm starting to work on the second series (i've already written some!). i'd also love to write one-shots in between the two series, so if y'all have any requests or things you'd like to see feel free to send an ask on tumblr or leave a comment with some suggestions!
see y'all in the last chapter (for now), and don’t forget to leave me some love!
