" th-oughts "

i am here, drinking a chai tea latte.

[apacificmemoir]

patience. stillness. sight - a pacific memoir

do not hold onto the meaning of life but the meaning to life.

the meaning of life holds standards + creates barriers. the meaning to life is open for (beautiful) definitions. what it exactly means for/ to you. what exactly makes you happy + how can you enjoy your time. what is it that makes you forget time.

another form of happiness is peace of mind. so find something that you enjoy to do. if that makes you (genuinely) happy. truly inside. search for something that puts your soul at ease + that will create your happiness.

know that all of what is meant for us is coming regardless. it will come when we most/least expect. when we are ready/ prepared. whether we feel we are/ not.

the moment we focus on here + now – get our minds off the past/ tomorrow. the more we are able to live in a way that really makes us happy.

so be calm. be observant. be quiet.  be still.

learn that you do not always have to speak to be heard. you do not always have to talk to be understood.

it is okay to know within yourself that your voice does not need validation. you are more than enough.

being still. has made understanding when i am not in the present moment + completely calm – to notice + check myself.

there is constant distraction – of all that is around us. taking away from the very fact of our existence.

a lot of the time. we let our minds wander off. we look backwards because it is what we know but we cannot change our past.

we can only change or affect what is going to happen later + right now is the (correct) moment to do it. at the end of the day. the pages in our lives are going to turn + whether/ not we are aware of that. tomorrow is going to come.

therefore see yourself in the best form that you want for yourself. now.

be exactly what you want yourself to be. be that beacon of light +  hope you see for yourself. encourage + enlighten your loved ones also. you may never know how much they may need/ appreciate it.

create a positive space for all. see yourself as how you want others to see you. be content with that image. 

love + cherish that image.

[apacificmemoir]

letting go - a pacific memoir

a form of moving away -  mentally. physically. emotionally.

 it is okay to let go of people who do not hold (substantial) value/purpose into your life.

i love myself enough to detach from the thing/s that do not give me (unconditional) love back in the ways i wish + need to be loved.

i lead with pure intentions. to be honest + understanding. to others +  myself.

within my environment. i observe + try to focus on whether someone/something is providing me with what i need. to become a better version of myself.

i always ask myself. will they lead me to self-destruct or self-love. to a life of bliss or sadness. it is the most important decision i have to make (for myself). at every moment (i encounter with someone/something). 

as much as i try not to. i hold others on a pedestal (unconsciously). whether they let me down is up to them. but the way i deal with that - is up to me.

i find myself giving others the benefit of the doubt. maybe they were dealing with something. maybe they did not acknowledge how their words hurt me. but maybe they did + chose not to act - in remorse.

i should not make excuses for those who are not self-aware. of themselves + how they treat others. yet i do (but i am still working on it). i have to let go of those who have hurt me. time + time again. in the present + the past.

although i do forgive them. that does not mean they should have the privileged to witness/experience time/space with me.

[apacificmemoir]

vulnerability - a pacific memoir

weak. tender. but sweet.

 i walk through life protecting/guarding myself from everyone/everything.

 i have become accustomed to this. maybe out of fear. without complete solitude.

 i am just selective with the energy i surround myself with.

who i interact with + who i give myself to.

 allowing open room for someone(something) to enter my (sacred) space. terrifies me.

 so i would rather tune within and give myself that time/patience/love. i otherwise would have given to others. whether they deserve it (or not) is subjective.

 as one would naturally meet an individual. for me. it was always a challenge (mostly mentally).

 i always want to make sure i studied them. before i could trust them with my thoughts. expressions. movements. and all.

 it was my way of controlling the situation. so in turn i did not have to face - disappointment.

 more times (than not). i would encounter individuals (situations always varied).

however i wanted to connect. learn from them. teach them (all i knew/loved).

 as long i have withdrawn from the very idea of what makes us human. the conversation /interaction. i led myself to believe they wasn’t worth it. or cared enough. maybe they just did not know how to express it.

 but i wanted to be secure. that my world within my mind was being shared with someone who was perfect.

 yet no one was. so neither was i.

[apacificmemoir]

man of my dreams - a pacific memoir

as i grew. i learnt more about relationships. marriages. lovers + such. i saw all forms of love - the good kind + the toxic. i observed my surroundings carefully so i could give myself that everlasting love. that i crave so deeply. a love so pure + perfect.

i've always wanted someone who feels lucky to have me + is so protective of losing our love. i want someone who can (patiently) take me out my comfort zone that i so carefully build. i want a kind, considerate individual who cares - who listens - is nonjudgemental + gives honest advice out of compassion.

write. listen. think.

i would be ever so grateful for a love that writes so perfectly. a love that listens to music i can vibe to. a love that's thoughts + perspectives align so well (altogether with mine).

i want to share everything i know + give everything i have.

but for now i have to guard this for the one that deserves it the most.

[apacificmemoir]

lost between th-oughts - a pacific memoir

i felt hopeless. conflicting late night thoughts.

was i ever going to find my missing piece (peace).

was i (honestly) going to let my heart feel again.

was i really ready for what we could be.

a part of me wants to open up + be vulnerable to a love so deep. feel everything + more. with it all being reciprocated.

i thought i met someone who i wanted to match a painting that i so carefully + meticulously drew. of a man i want to lay + share a whole life with. watch the stars at night whilst we pray for an abundance of peace, love + happiness. walk by the sea holding hands + bask in the silence of contentment.

i want to feel all forms of love - a companionship where he leads + i follow (together). to respect. to fully understand + acknowledge our selfs as individuals but care for one another as whole. a love so pure + sweet. a love so comforting + neat.

as i got to know you i felt myself becoming fearful of being yours. can you be what i hope for you to be + will i be what you need of me.

all thoughts arise without clear distinction if i was a choice for you in the beginning. did you consider me as everything i wanted of you. did i ever flutter your heart as you did of mine. did you ever get excited at the thought of seeing me as i did of you. was i meant for you - in the mind of yours - was i (solely) meant for you + did you ever think of me the way i thought of.. you.

all seemed as though it was one sided (to me). i wanted you, where as you didn’t (clearly) even think of me.

or was it all just in my head.

maybe you did want everything i needed from ‘us’ but my worries confused you. or maybe it was just how i (originally) thought it was. nonetheless however it is. i can only pray for (consistent) transparency.

as time progresses. i will find a (perfect) partner. one that devours all of me. one that shows that to me.

in the mean time. i will focus on loving myself (wholeheartedly + carefully) as you should too.

[apacificmemoir]

young + in love - a pacific memoir

i walked into that room, with no expectation that i would come across someone who would give me butterflies + make me feel pure bliss.

i saw in your eyes + i assume you saw in mine, the connection we both shared.

i sat down before you + thought to myself - wow. that exchange made me question, whether i was ready to allow myself to feel again.

i am truly thankful for that moment.

it allowed me to understand - i still had to take care of myself + give myself enough love, to then be able to express it (wholeheartedly) to someone else.

nonetheless to this day, i still am giving myself the time + attention i deserve (+ need).

i hope that you can only respect it, as i only want to give the best version of myself.

i know my worth + whole capability (of love).

whether you decide to wait is on you.

[apacificmemoir]

hi, i have been crushing on this guys for almost 5 months now and we don't really talk but when we do it feels like we're close but it might be bc i'm over-reading it? idk he makes me confused most of the time and i'm tired of this game and i just want out but it's so hard to forget about him. help:(

my love, if you enjoy his company + it is clear he does too - i advise you be up front with him + your emotions. you may see whether he genuinely feels the same. i want to assure you, how you’re feeling is perfectly normal + okay. be confident + go for it, i do hope you both are happy + that it was nothing to worry about. sit with him + open up as much as you want to, and feel comfortable with. let me know how this goes if that’s okay.🌷

[apacificmemoir]

I am attracted to a boy only in a physical way. Is it bad if i lead him on?

my precious, i see you care for him, since you’ve asked this question. i want to assume you do want to tell him but are worried what the outcome will be.

however, i suggest for you to be honest with him and tell him what you’re looking for. i am sure he’ll appreciate that you can express yourself comfortably, with him. i also think if you do like him in anyway, your intent must be pure. even if you just want the physical aspect of the relationship.

i advise you talk with him, be honest. then when you tell him, observe his response. remember this is suppose to be mutual - be respectful and understanding. but also be open minded to what he wants. i hope i helped :)🌷

[apacificmemoir]

i feel like i'm not enough and no boy likes me because of the way i look and it makes me feel ugly sometimes

my sweetheart, i will always advocate for self love and appreciation for the soul. i want you to understand that you are worth everything and more. you are valuable to this world. but be conscious of the efforts of others who try to taint the image you’ve built yourself and be content with who you are initially. self love comes first and all else comes after.. so you will find a beautiful soul that loves all of you, in due time. but first, make sure you tell yourself everyday that you are beautiful, still beautiful and will always be beautiful. with or without a significant other.🌻

[apacificmemoir]

Hey :( everyday at school i don't feel like i fit in and i have anxiety when i feel left out! i need advice like i am struggling with it

my darling, i can relate with you, that it is a struggle when you feel this. i highly advise you find something you enjoy, like an extra curricular activity and through this you’ll find some people who share the same common interest. i am sure when you put yourself out there confidently, you’ll attract amazing positive friends that won’t make you feel any less than worthy to hangout with. but note there is nothing wrong with who you are, be hopeful in yourself and your efforts.🦋

[apacificmemoir]

I think my boyfriend is cheating on me but what should i do about it?

my beauty, in this situation, communication is key! it’s important that you can express yourself freely and that means even if you have doubts about the other persons loyalty. it might be challenging at first and they might get defensive but be gentle, say how you feel, without animosity, anger or allowing that negative energy you’ve created inside on whether he is because he might not be. there is still a possibility. be hopeful he is faithful and if it comes to light he isn’t, be strong and do what you know is right for you.🌹

[apacificmemoir]

strength, courage + wisdom - a pacific memoir

opening up to the stuggles of my past, has never been easy. and, probably will never be. but, to have some sort of clarity. for myself. i have to acknowledge the part of me, that once lived so deep.

i am always glad that i live to tell my story. i am forever glad that i never let anyone tell me that i wasn’t enough or worthy.

i have found strength, courage & wisdom. and, for that reason alone, helped me realise.

my scars that were left behind are beautiful. still beautiful. and will always be.. beautiful.

[apacificmemoir]

you - a pacific memoir

eyes. they tell a story. maybe if i could get a closer look, i’d understand you more. standing by the shore, you held my hand. you made me feel at ease, even though they had their doubts. i paid them no mind. their opinions were invalid. all that i’ve ever craved was peace, love & abundance. 

 you were the one to provide it all.

[apacificmemoir]

mental conflict - a pacific memoir

as night falls, it dawns on me. conflicted, between both parts. 

happiness & sadness. 

 i hope someday i can actually publish a book or direct / write a movie. based on myself / my own true story, as i believe it’s the most personal part of me. 

the part that’s most real, since i took a front row seat. 

the part that’s most scary, or maybe even the most beautiful at times. 

in my mind it depends on whether my eyes are low. heart is heavy. tears burning. with pain in my stomach. maybe i might not be there to tell it. 

 i really do look at life as an opportunity, to be happy. but situations & chances aren’t as accepting of such opportunity. maybe because they miss out on such, since they are trying to fix all the parts of life that is broken. 

 a day. the one counted for, many failed attempts. i’ve always thought to myself, ‘why is it so accessible to end it all?, why does it have to be that way?, why can it all just go away so quickly?’ if it were so 'easy’, then shouldn’t it be that way to fix it. i realised that a forsaken mindset, could deter a life full of blissful moments. yet it is our decision whether, whatever it is we’re going through consumes it all. 

 at the very beginning, i had hope. then i let my mind wander & i lost it all. it’s a conflict. conflict of interest. between hope & anxiety. a part of me that will remain but not alter my reality. i can publish a book or direct / write a movie, however i would like to. even if it means to express the very painful issues that forced me to miss out on the opportunity.

to be happy.

[apacificmemoir]

daily input- a pacific memoir

i intend to write, from the heart & by experience. 

to help others, through helping myself. 

writing is therapeutic, as it allows me to detach myself from my thoughts because sometimes it can consume all of my being. i am surprised at the sudden urge to write, since i was never mentally ‘present’ within my english literature lectures as i was always letting my mind wander through the hours instead of being focused. i may have learnt something along the way though.

to multitask. 

today, i read a post pertaining someones daily routine of going to their local mexican restaurant (i love food) & getting the exact same “chicken quesadilla on a flour tortilla with guacamole. rice and beans on the side. plus chips” as consistency was important to them. it resonated to me. the need to organise a structure of everyday, yet disregarding the want to be spontaneous but chose consistency because it was normal, and didn't make my heart stop for a split second or give me a slight panic attack.

it was my kind of normal.

to be completely honest, my hypersensitivity to situations made me connect with ‘him’ maybe because he was perfect in all his senses. he had a countless history of mental health issues, but that never made me think of him as any different. he was perfect. he is perfect.

similarly as a close friend, ‘depression i’ve known the longest. daily meditation, the prayers & daily affirmations had become routine.’ will always be routine for me. to allow joy to be brought in, i had to invite it. gently. with clear intention. to build a connection, an unbound trust, over a period of time.

perfect i call you, be still. always continue to ‘move (more) consciously & (more) thoughtfully through the world, (more) alert to the people, habits, & belief systems that invite peace & purpose into your life on a daily basis’. 

you will win.

[apacificmemoir]

self realisation - a pacific memoir

i have always had the urge to express myself deeply to others, but have never found the opportunity to or was never ready to. 

i was always the quiet one, in the corner with an issue that was anxiety. never actually identifying with it, though it was present. at the age of six, was the only time i remember becoming aware of my struggles, as my own personal outlook into life. it was real, i recall sitting at the side of my bed frame and beginning to become aware of a self realisation to my own self (soul). i tried to express what i was feeling with the one whom birthed me, but she could not identify with what i was going through. i was alone & trying to find peace within myself. 

i knew that i was a being within the universe, an infinite being that was all loving & is capable of receiving & giving love to others. i found abundance & happiness through my struggles, even when i couldn't put it into words. anxiety was always there, & always will be, but i have to choose whether it will consume me. i can only hope for the ‘future’, & be present in the ‘present’ for that will be my break from pain, learning along the way that whatever that i am going through in the moment is only there to teach me to be strong & be hopeful because fear is a choice in myself. 

i will be bright within this dull world.

[apacificmemoir]

validation - a pacific memoir

i always ask myself ‘what are you waiting for?’ is there something that you decide not to express to me. i sat there in front of you, and muttered ‘what are you staying for?’ as if there was something that is missed. 

i begin to get frustrated at your lack of response, i stated ‘why do you care if i wake up or stay up, what are your reasonings for?’. i see your eyes lit up, a smile rise and your hands cup my face into your warm palms, wiping the last tear dripping down my cold cheek. 

‘it is because, i love you’.