Im saving these sweet lips for the kiss of death

people call me TED also EIGHTEEN 🎉

[nyctosaurid]

if you don’t know the difference between a hare and a rabbit you’ve never gazed into the cold wild eyes of a hare and known that if it could speak it would speak backwards

[gallusrostromegalus]

Jack Rabbits are North American Hares and they’re the WORST to encounter at night becuase:

You all know how big a rabbit is.  Jack Rabbits and hares are much bigger. they’re the size of large cats or small dogs or just-walking-age children.

They also like to hang out in gangs of a hlf dozen to over 30.

and in the middle of backcountry dirt roads.

perhaps they’re dustbathing

or blood sacrifce

I don’t know because when you come up the road at night because your dog has a tiny bladder and needs to go out at midnight and you have no yard so you’re walking him on the dirt road around your neighborhod because you might aw well get some stargazing in, and you come just over the ridge to see a coven of twenty jackrabbits in the middle of the road

and

they

all

stand

up

not just onto all fours like a proper prey animal

No they get up on thier hind legs and don’t just sit but STAND like tiny rabbit-skinned toddlers, wobbing slightly as they stare directly at you eyes shining in your flashlight’s glow

…Blood Red.

And a chill goes through you on that warm july night because while they’re a puntable size and allegedly herbivores they’re standing and watching you just like people and you are vastly outnumbered.

everyone freezes

you’re considering your odds aganst roughly 200lbs of Suspiciously Humanoid Hare

and they’re considering their odds against you

the only sound in the never-ending high desert wind 

somewhere in your peripheral vision you can see the streetlights but they seem awfully far away

The nearest Jack Rabbit

Blinks

and takes a single shuffling step

forward

You area an overdevloped monkey and your prefrontal cortex is capable of some amazing feats but it runs very slowly compared to the reflexes of a rabbit and you’re frozen as you desperately scramble for the appropriate course of action, hands feeling thick and useless, mouth dry and feet imeasurably heavy there’s no way you’d outrun THESE, god there’s a rabies outbreak going around that shit’s not curable-

The Dog

L U N G E S

It’s only the briefest of movements but the animal you’d picked out for his gangly legs and floppy ears and goofy smile is suddenly a dark shape of muscle and teeth and had flung himself at the horrible goblin rabbits faster than mere physics should dictate, appearing in the circle of the flashlight for only the briefest of moments before the jolt from the leash makes you stumble and the light falters

The Jack Rabbits

Scatter

Vanishing into the faintly starlit sagebrush in as so many faint gray shapes that might be mistaken for the dustclouds they kick up

Later, you sit on the couch disquieted

and you wonder

If the sight of the Jack Rabbits standing and studying you was frightening enough to make you yearn for the safety of the yellowed streetlights

what must it be like from thier end?

what terrifying creature 

deliberately ties itself

to something so horrible

As a Dog?

[biomechanical-magitech]

@gallusrostromegalus that last bit gave me such a strong mental image I absolutely had to draw it

[gallusrostromegalus]

WELL HOLY SHIT.

CONGRATULATE, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.

is it ok if I print it out and stick it on the fridge?

[aethtalon]

[gallusrostromegalus]

HOLY FUCK THERE’S AN AUDIOPOST NOW.

I LOVE IT.

[dovelylittlebird]

See this shit? This is why I love Tumblr

[brella-boi]

only this way can everyone be saatisfied

[apocalypticastronaut]

buh bye

sayonara you weeaboo shits. aka i have a new blog you. an follow if you want to see more of me. just ask and ill dm you the url

[stephen9260]

see you in the Senate guys

[jwolf5959]

@itsapmseymour by simplifying the following post from one of your videos

I’ve finally found what *may* be the ultimate pronouns

SY/IM(^2)R

(If the initial equation of (S)T(HE)Y/T(H(IM)ER)M is incomplete feel free to leave a better one in the tags)

((And yes I did this during a pre calculus class))

[itsapmseymour]

That looks suspiciously like…Seymour…

Am…

Am I the Gender

[batshit-auspol]

Apparently they're selling post content to train AI now so let us be the first to say, flu nork purple too? West motor vehicle surprise hamster much! Apple neat weed very crumgible oysters in a patagonia, my hat. Very of the and some then shall we not? Much jelly.

[psych-is-the-name]

Now I know that some people are saying that keeps drag personalities like a fire Milwaukee. But! Hazards and the all of strained jester top left abduction model best some dried. Yeah it's gorilla finish drive like a. The bedroom bee is cosmopolitan inches slid off that built.

[internet-sentences-deactivated2]

The American Dream Mall is having a great deal of trouble paying back their debts. The equity partners will lose their money. If the situation continues to degrade, everyone else will likely get theirs back once the assets are stripped and auctioned off.

It’s massive. Entering it feels like driving into an airport except the airport has a water slide sticking out of its side and a Ferris wheel protruding from the roof. The vast majority of stores were closed. I visited with the business boyfriend and he exhibited increasing panic as we progressed through the mall. Why aren’t they open? This is peak shopping time. Look, no one is carrying bags. Very little of this is revenue generating. It’s a five billion dollar public park.

The sound of the American Dream Mall is a gaggle of children on a rotating coaster car screaming above your head while the sound system plays Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em. We had to repeatedly dodge people driving around on motorized pandas.

The thing I found interesting was the interior design. We both agreed it was fairly well done. Why is it so shroomy? I liked the mirrored bull and the haunting empty hall culminating in an Angry Bird elevated above the shoppers like a god. I saw the longest couch I’ve seen in my life which was cool.

I found it profoundly disorienting. I’d think it’s disorienting on purpose to make you shop except almost all the stores were closed. Why are they closed? The business boyfriend says it’ll be half dark within a year but I’ve learned never to trust any prediction a businessman makes with great confidence.

[internet-sentences-deactivated2]

The Giant will certainly solve the American Dream Mall’s financial problems

[maevedx]

Oh I've been to this mall, it's whack. Some of my favorite fun facts include:

- They had to shut down the mall for a couple days because a hanging helicopter decoration fell into the pool and injured somebody

- It contains the only physical location for Mr. Beast Burger

- It's extremely easy to get into the back rooms because a good chunk of the third floor just has no stores. Prime spot for taking creepy photos

- There was supposed to be a fourth floor but it's either not done or has been abandoned, resulting in this amazing staircase/escalator to nowhere

I can't say I recommend going, it's a hassle to get to and the parking is, as mentioned, like an airport. But it sure can be fun to fuck around in there

[n7punk]

[solarshadow]

[falseknees]

Kneesvember Day 26

[baddywronglegs]

I've asked this question before and been surprised by the results, now I have access to more weirdos it's your problem:

It is the middle of a Sunday afternoon. You have nothing on, and aren't expecting visitors, deliveries or post.

Unexpectedly, there is a knock at the door.

Which of these would surprise you more to find on the doorstep?

Fairy

Walrus

Voting ended onFeb 26, 2024

[baddywronglegs]

Not naming options to skew votes but...

I think there's something fundamentally baffling with the way most of you think.

[bisexualshakespeare]

#we were wrong about fairies being real but given that they are #nothing else about one being on my doorstep is surprising

#because I don't know anything about fairies. anything a fairy does would make sense because what do I know? might as well happen

#vs #how did a walrus travel 80+ miles inland?

#how did it travel 80 miles through an urban area of 3mil people without anyone noticing?

#how did it make it to the 3rd floor?

#how did it knock?

#why was there a walrus visiting a shore that hasn't seen walrus in 5mil years?

#does alaska know it's wildlife if making house calls 1000s of miles away?

#was it a zoo escape? HOW?? they are slow and cannot scale or jump fences. does the zoo know?

#why of all the doorsteps it could've chosen on its way did it choose mine?

#how did it knock

HOW DID IT KNOCK??

[mossy-garden]

I love their friendship sm

[ch-error404]

@heroes-wear-green

[beaft]

face of a man who has known sorrow

[beaft]

had to google this as i wasn't familiar with the name. incredibly specific and accurate reference. please don't compare my cat-in-law to a homestuck character again

[were--ralph]

would you elect me as tumblr ceo

absolutely we stan

absolutely not. die

Voting ended onMar 3, 2024

im starting a campaign my leading point is i will be nice to the trans community and i will bring back the 2011 site design

[were--ralph]

i am so dedicated i will get top surgery and the amount of votes on this poll will determine the size of my newly voluptuous breasts

[folkmagic]

Can we have a separate poll to determine the amount of said breasts?

[biglawbear]

Size of Ralph's new boobs

Right boob

Left boob

Voting ended onMar 3, 2024

[were--ralph]

i leave my fate in your hands

[horse-is-a-horse-of-course]

BREAST POLL

[official-boob-posts]

get this man in office and a fat pair of tits immediately

[this-is-a-podcast-fanblog]

Imagine walking into an Italian restaurant, looking the other customers in their eyes and saying, “wait, this place serves pasta? What’s pasta? I’ve never even heard of pasta, but it’s probably not good.” 

that is what you sound like when you’re a Tumblr user who has never heard of Cecil Palmer

[this-is-a-podcast-fanblog]

[ID: screenshot of two Tumblr tags. The first reads, “well of course they haven’t had pasta”, and the second reads “not since the ban on wheat and wheat byproducts.” End ID.]

dont be funnier than me on my own post

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

windows 10 is garbage so every time i boot up the computer i have to run command prompt and enter

net.exe stop “Windows Search”

so that the shitty goddamned search/cortana feature that i never fucking use stops running in the background taking up all my fucking disk space

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

before

after

[eclipsebykimlipmp3-deactivated2]

what the fuck is that seriously what the fuck is making my computer be a fucking piece of shit

[internetwes]

@baristaboy try this out dude

[ilikeyoshi]

@lambylin

[amis-amai]

y’all didn’t even add a tutorial of how to do this so imma put one right here 1. type in cmd.exe into your windows search and right click on Command Promt search result and select “Run as Administator”. 2. Type/Copypase in  net.exe stop “Windows Search” and make sure Windows Search is in quotations. It should then respond saying “The Windows Search service is stopping” and then tell you it’s stopped. This is only a temp fix though, if you want it switched off permanently then do THIS: 1.  Press the Windows key + R at the same time and type in services.msc. 2.  Scroll until you find Windows Search and double click it to enter its Properties window. 3.  Change the Startup type to Disabled. Apply this change and you can exit out. VOILA, NO MORE TAKEN UP DISK SPACE

[bluecrysto-blog]

Reblog to save a fucking life, FUCK CORTANA.

[eternal-fractal]

Yo this sick nasty

[sofire-almond]

you won’t have to do this every time you boot up if you press the windows key + r, type in services.msc, hit enter, scroll down near the bottom of the services list, right click on windows search, click properties and set the startup type to disabled. it will still be running if you haven’t disabled it, but when you restart your computer, it shouldn’t automatically run windows search anymore

[unclefather]

[superepicchan]

[tylertyless]

Someone please let this man catch a mending book.

[relelvance]

Reblog with your score

[official-megumin]

HOW?

[professionalchaoticdumbass]

[official-megumin]

you can’t seriously exclusively play minecraft?

[professionalchaoticdumbass]

i can and i do