Arastya Zanain

[arastyazanain]

[arastyazanain]

I close my eyes

Take a breath, and pretend that I'm calm-

1, 2, 3, 4

Gone like the flames of Notre dame.

I pretend that that I can breathe through the smoke

And smile like my throat doesn't burn.

I pretend I don't notice my fingers clasping around the air.

I pretend I don't whisper little prayers.

I pretend it doesn't tear my heart out to be alone;

Nor does it matter that I still play the old songs.

[arastyazanain]

I have seen myself decorate my insanity with such delicate hands, with such delicate desperation- in hopes to make sense of it. In hopes to make it more palatable. But at the end of the day the sun still sets and I still taste bitter to my own tongue.

[arastyazanain]

My worst fear is that I'll forever sit here, drenched in my violent need to love and be loved without it ever being fulfilled.

[shakespearesdaughters]

[arastyazanain]

[arastyazanain]

I live vicariously through my dreams- in a place where I'm not me, where I'm not surviving but living. In a place where even nightmares seem like an adventure and not a place to lament. Where I can be who I craved to be. Then I die every morning when I open my eyes to return to my reality- my punishment.

[arastyazanain]

I begged for the love of the God who sent us to this world to be tested. I begged and prayed. And so He answered my prayers. I had nowhere else to go, so I begged- as I always do. He loved me, so He tested me- as He always does.

-Arastya Zanain

[arastyazanain]

I drown in my love for the unloved, grotesque, pathetic little things on the verge of death. I pray for mercy on their souls , silently hoping someone would see me and do the same.

-Arastya Zanain

[arastyazanain]

Tell me, when was the last time you didn't feel the need to bare your teeth. When was the last time you withdrew your claws and stopped biting your tongue. It is not that you crave blood but it is what you have grown used to. The taste of it coats your mouth and now even water tastes sickeningly sweet

-Arastya Zanain

[arastyazanain]

Dead mouse

How does it feel to live instead of just enduring?

I wouldn't know.

How does it feel to move on with the tides of time?

Am i supposed to know?

What a curse it is to bear my heart.

I'll stand by the corpse of the dead mouse at the side of the road,

Wishing it some kind of a soft warm depart for its soul.

While everyone moves on, ill be stuck at the sight of its matted fur

You didn't deserve that, you didn't deserve to be forgotten by the world.

I didn't deserve that, I didn't deserve to feel forgotten by God.

-Arastya Zanain

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

i know i am a heart wrenching poet but i am also the biggest girly pop you will ever meet, i don’t know how to explain it

[lunamonchtuna]

— Amal El-Mohtar, from This Is How You Lose the Time War (via lunamonchtuna)

[nightshine72]

I need you to understand that when I say "comments are appreciated!" I mean that I will reply to every one of them. I mean that an email with an ao3 notification has a higher priority than a message from my mother. I mean that I will have entire discussions in the comment section if you're up for it. Message me on tumblr and I will have the same discussions on an even more unhinged level. I will dissect entire personalities and ships and fictional political structures and worldbuilding with you. I will become your new best friend. You already ARE my new best friend. At the last battle, I would raise Anduril and say "For my ao3 readers" while a single tears rolls down my cheek, and dive into the fray. I would upload from beyond the grave if someone asked about the next chapter

[arastyazanain]

I'll live despite it all, in spite of it all. I'll survive and I'll make Life look me in the eyes as I spit blood onto their face. Ill live with such wonder and such hope and such intensity and such love that the angels will cry. Life will watch me as I weave the threads of fate with my own hands and prosper. I'll live despite it all, just to spite it all.

-Arastya Zanain

[arastyazanain]

I hope God finds mercy for me. I hope God find some soft kind of love for me. The kind of love a mother finds when she first holds her child. The kind that makes the clouds separate for the sun to shine. The kind of love that the kind stranger showed to that whimpering wounded dog on the street when she fed it, when she held it despite of the filth on its body; despite it trying to bite her. The kind of love that makes a daughter continue baking even though she burnt her hand. The kind that makes a poet stain their pages with tears. The kind of love that makes me forget all the pain. -Arastya Zanain

[arastyazanain]

"Oh I wish I was as talented as you in writing/art. It seems so fun!" Omg thanks but shut the hell up Rebecca. First of all it's not "talent" it's a skill I had to polish day in and day out and it's an absolute delight to throw all that hard work out the window in the name of talent.

And second of all no the hell you don't. You couldn't survive a day with the wretched mind that allows me to write and to draw. You think it's fun to die at the sight of a mother loving a child? Do you think it's fun to see a wounded dog limp towards an outstretched hand hoping for some goddamned mercy because it still has some fucked up sense of hope and love and suddenly seeing yourself in that dog? Do you think you can survive pouring your heart out and hearing silence as an answer? Where do you think all this "creativity" stems from? I live everyday trying to make sense of insanity in a way that I wouldn't hate myself.

[arastyazanain]

Blurred Mirage

There I was once again,

Blurred lines of reality became my life's bane.

Soft warm glow of candles lit the whole room;

Melody from a far away dream danced in the flame.

Fragrance I once couldn't forget.

The gleam of love that painted us gold,

Seemed that light could never grow old.

I could remember the softest gaze.

The way it reflected mine,

The sweetest of highs.

Nothing but warmth deep within my heart.

Nothing around mattered but us

Us, such an enchanting word.

Us, I wished to feel, oh lord.

Us, forever encased in the amber of my mind,

Us in a daydream of silence and peace I wished to find.

For us the world would stand still,

For us, the world would kneel.

Nothing else could explain love as beautifully as us.

For when we are together nothing is needed to explain us.

For us, I thought was everlasting

But oh us ended up as nothing but a blurred mirage .

Just a breath away.

Just a future away

-Arastya Zanain