kind of heart, dumb of ass

Here for a long time, not for a good time

[draconym]

It recently became department policy to purchase all our animal care supplies online and have them shipped, but my work location (public park) doesn't have a mailbox, so we've been getting things shipped directly to the post office. Today I went to pick up a shipment of several hundred superworms but the postal workers are insisting that it's not possible to have packages shipped directly to the post office. I gave them a tracking number which revealed they were delivered a couple days ago and now they're looking for them. Somewhere in the post office are 500 lost worms.

[draconym]

I can't believe the post office lost my worms

[draconym]

Update: they found my worms!!!!

The postal worker put these in front of me like she was delivering a bomb.

[buam]

Honestly I can’t blame the postal worker; my advisor lost his grub ordering privileges after he failed to pick up a delivery from the front desk on time and they all hatched and escaped.

[draconym]

They told me not to have live bugs designated as Hold For Pickup anymore :(

[draconym]

Boss sent me back to the post office to retrieve another round of worms and they're telling me that this package was already picked up on Friday. At a time prior it when it was delivered to the post office. Who the fuck has our worms.

[draconym]

Went to a different employee's counter and asked if she could look for my package and she immediately said "is it worms." She left and came back five seconds later with my worms. What kind of games are they playing with me here.

[wurmzone]

Twisting

[violetsandshrikes]

i know someone who works in conservation, who on the side has a large outdoor aviary and roughly 20 rainbow lorikeets they’ve taken in as they’ve been dumped/unwanted gifts or long-term pets/pets that have been released/etc, and she’s very knowledgeable and keeps them in great condition

i love seeing them though because we have a terrible and hilarious game. in the aviary i will be leaving out fruit skewers and things for them, and then i’ll dramatically lie on my side and pretend i died. it takes about 5 minutes, and then there’s an entire flock of lorikeets climbing on me, squeaking, nibbling and investigating.

the next part of the game is popping up my head and going “boo!” which is where the real fun begins, because the little rainbow nightmares jump, and then get delighted and start happy squealing and bouncing around (and chewing because they truly never stop)

while we all love this game, ive been cheerfully informed from the outside it looks even funnier, because it looks like I’ve been jumped by a group of lorikeets and they won

[jaubaius]

[nabi3000]

[narcissistcookbook]

the second eel at the end in its little cuck shelter 💜

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

eel deets from @whitefangthefightingwolf

[reikomakoto]

[julianplum]

🍄 🍁 🐌 🐜 🪳✨ // Omphalotus illudens, the bioluminescent jack o' lantern mushroom // gouache on paper

[scouts-cosplays]

normal day in tf2 casual

[conzoop]

This is what goes on in those gmod RP 128 player servers that are always full

[official-kircheis]

This kind of smart, walkable, mixed-use urbanism is illegal to build in most American cities

[paperandpencilsandskips]

[fnordseer5]

sir...a second purchase has hit the bank account...

[ampervadasz]

How do you know that ? (Unmute !)

[lillypadcrochet]

Transcript:

Man (filming): uhhh who did you say did the electrical work?

Old lady: oh, that would be my nephew Thomas, he’s very handy

Man: yeah, uh, what year did his house burn down?

Old lady: that would be about two years ag- how did you know the house burned down???

Man: had a feeling— video cuts off

[thatqueerweirdo]

Vídeo description: the camera pans over a mess of wires connected haphazardly

[superchat]

me when i fucking GET you

[largishcat]

an acquaintance told me i had the subtle guardedness of someone who “learned social skills the hard way” and i’d honestly have much preferred they took out a gun and shot me

[cannibalchicken]

[lakemojave]

A cyberpunk dystopia doesn't sound very great for everybody but if it were real at least somebody could open up the plates on my back and tweak my artificial spine with a soldering iron

[lakemojave]

Yes, this is a sex thing

[lakemojave]

Downsides to a cyberpunk situation: everything in the world is extracted for wealth from natural resources to our very daily lives. We lack the means to determine our own futures because our future is bought and paid for by megacorporations. Your modified body costs you rent. Everyone is unique but no one is special.

Upsides to a cyberpunk situation: Yuo can stick your dick in the neural port

[spooksier]

my friend took in a stray and she’s the cutest kitty ever but he named her oil so whenever he sends a picture of her me and my other friends look like we’re roleplaying as the US military

[spooksier]

[spooksier]

in our defense this is oil

[littleguysdaily]

[inbabylontheywept]

so once me and my wife were watching a documentary where a snake ate like a million eggs. that snake just went to fucking town on eggs. and the snake made the eggs look so good that i kept thinking about it, and thinking about it, and thinking about it, and eventually it was 11pm and i ran out of willpower and decided to eat one (1) singular raw egg just to prove to myself that the snake was surely a liar.

the snake was not a liar. texture is like, super important to me and raw eggs are very Texture so i had another one, and then another one, and then another one, and eventually i ran out of eggs.

i had like, fifteen raw eggs.

i didnt really know how to explain this momentary madness to my wife, so my Plan was to put all the eggshells into a grocey bag, and then throw that grocery bag in the dumpster, and if she never noticed that would be Excellent and if she noticed immediately i could lie and say that the eggs went bad.

except i cant lie very good, and of course with murphys law being such, i got salmonella.

so i threw up a lot and my wife asked me what poisoned me so and i tried very hard to dodge the question but i was oozing shame like oil from a room temperature cheese and eventaully i gave in and told her everything and to her enormous credit she was more flabbergasted than actually upset. she did make me promise to not eat any more raw eggs, which i have stuck to, and she gives me weird looks during nature documentaries now as if desire was the only thing keeping me from eating thousands of pounds of krill anyway i made a joke earlier about being able to eat my age in eggs and my sister in law in law made a drawing to comemorate the moment and also because it was my birthday. she's excellent. thank you 10000000% @cintailed. you should all visit her page and admire her work.

[inbabylontheywept]

daily reminder that i am a person with poor impulse control and not a demon piloting a skinsuit to punish the damned before they die. i cannot eat eggshells. sorry to dissapoint.

[wanderer-chronicles]

[feyosha]

tough audience

[valtsv]

anyone who thinks dostoevsky's writing is dry and humourless is missing out on passages like this

[valtsv]

[scumbagsblog]

where's that masterpost of quotes that have no right going as hard as they do. I'd like to submit "Protagonism is best left to teens and the insane"