Occult Safety and Health Administration

Our Safety Regulations are Written in Blood. Literally.

[imanes]

anybody got tips and tricks on how to not go absolutely fucking insane because of the deranged world order we live in

[feyosha]

Have you considered disregarding the looking glass in favor of the tactile sensations of grains?

[wizard-council-bureaucrat]

Everybody STOP having a crisis, it’s now tea time

☕️☕️☕️🫖🍵🍵🍪

Pause all dread and catastrophe to have a cuppa and some cookies for the next 15-30 minutes

This is a wizard spell

[feyosha]

Right. Back to it.

[asteroidtroglodyte]

Guy Fieri, getting shakily to his feet in the middle of an impact crater, using the back of his hand to wipe a single line of blood from the corner of his mouth: he’s just too powerful…

The Ghost of Dr Kellogg: you pathetic weakling; you cannot hope to defeat me!

Guy Fieri, pulling a remote control that’s just a grey square with a large unlabeled red button in the center out from behind his back: no, I can’t. That’s why I’m sending you to Flavortown

[camera pans out to reveal The Ghost Of Dr Kellogg standing in the middle of a large ❌. Cut to floor shot that reveals 50000 Chili Lime bacon Picante Mac’n’cheese tater’tots being dumped from the ceiling by a contraption]

The Ghost Of Dr Kellogg, covering his face: NOOOOOOO-

[is buried in avalanche of Tots, which bursts into flames, and then explodes]

Guy Fieri: guess his flakes… just got frosted

[mctreeleth]

they need to make a menstrual cup with a tap on the end. vampire fratboys should be able to do a keg stand off my vagina.

[mctreeleth]

thanks for the advice tumblr but this post doesn't actually need to be seen i'm just trying to unburden my soul of it like it's some sort of dark passenger i need to exorcise out

[feyosha]

WICKED KEGGER

[fullmetalfisting]

Tbh germ theory DOES sound crazy. Like if you told a regency-era nobleman that tiny creatures lived on the surface of everything and THAT’S what causes consumption, they’d be like “ah, I see you are a lunatic. Would you reside in my hermitage? Rantings and ravings do so amuse my guests”

[mysteryteacup]

But if you told a Medieval person this they would probably go "Ah, so when the miasma settles on surfaces it gains evil life. I understand."

[alarajrogers]

Yeah, actually, it would probably be pretty easy to explain germ theory to a Medieval person as tiny evil spirits that live on everything, but they can be purified by soap and water, or by alcohol, because that is why God has granted us those things. And because they can float in the air, if you cough or sneeze after they have infested you, that can cause them to infest others. And when you are sick, the angels God has deputized to defend the bodies of His beloved children are at war with the evil spirits, and, sadly, sometimes they lose, but the best way to help your angels win their battle is to rest, drink plenty (this would probably be small beer in this time period, not water, because the water was also infested), stay clean, and for the sake of God do not allow anyone to let your blood, for the angels need that blood in their war against the evil spirits. Bloodletting is good for some types of illnesses but not the kinds caused by the tiny evil spirits.

[chekhovs-raygun]

boiling as a sterilization measure is also easy to explain. water returns to the air when heated and it rises as steam back up to the floodgates of heaven; we know God created the world in seven days, He's not up there making more water every time it rains. it circulates. the returning of water to heaven also purifies the water of unclean and malign influences. you know wormy water from a muddy puddle will kill your kid. you know you wouldn't wade into a bog and have a slurp. water that remains in the low places of earth absorbs all that is unclean from our waste and it may also sponge up new diseases from hell, we're not totally sure about that one, but it seems likely. God set up the heavenly water cycle so that the earth's waters wouldn't totally fill up with gunk.

what does this have to do with boiling your surgical tools? well look, the boiling water releases bubbles of steam which carries the malign influences up to heaven. you boil a knife, you send all the miasmic particles off with the steam to heaven. if you rinse the knife off in a bucket the water isn't hot enough, the particles go into the water and then right back on to the knife. you gotta boil it to get the particles all the way away. how can a tool or rag or a bed have miasmic particles on it when you can't smell them? humans have a lousy sense of smell. look at your dog on the hunt. are there no rabbits in the woods just because you can't smell them? we know that miasma is carried on the air, and is what makes stench so dangerous, and we know that humans can't smell worth a damn compared to dogs cats horses etc. a dog can smell if a rat died in a corner of the room last week. you can't. do you think licking the spot where the rat died is going to go well for you? luckily, what humans lack in snout we make up for in brains. we have extra brains where our sniffers should have been. God set that up for a reason.

and why does a rinse with wine spirits work? man, look how fast alcohol evaporates. my guess is that because wine contains a lot more vice than water, it evaporates a whole lot faster, in sort of an equal and opposite way that a rock falls faster than a feather. if you want the miasmic particles to get off there FAST, you dunk it in something that's going back to heaven at a gallop.

what's up with honey? it just preserves things against corruption. doesn't clean them off. honey doesn't evaporate at all. probably because bees don't sin. it's not good for ridding a tool of particles-- it's sticky-- but fine for preserving anything you don't want to go to heaven OR hell. this is why you wash the wound with wine spirits or purified water FIRST, to sluice the miasma out, then slap the honey on AFTER. and boil the damn bandage, too. you wouldn't put a rotten door in a sound doorframe and expect it to keep out bandits, would you? cmon.

[norrahc]

[feyosha]

KOBOLD TAXONOMY

[snaret]

OP of this collection got deleted but the other one i reblogged made me remember this so i must spread the word

marathon durandal ass images

[ivyrotica]

hi hello i’m obsessed with these

[soulren]

“Ghosts are real” I can see how you could believe that

“Ghosts aren’t real” it’s very fair and rational that you believe that

“Ghosts aren’t real anymore” I’m about to hear a poem or very sad story

“Ghosts aren’t real yet” the fuck are you going to do

[asteroidtroglodyte]

Wizard Building Codes

• Buildings must reach their Foundations

• Buildings must have an Interior Volume less than or equal to their Exterior Displacement

• Buildings cannot Exist before they are Built

• Buildings must be made of Orientable Surfaces

• Real Estate must be Real

[plaidos]

look no matter what if you (somehow) believe in ghosts at some point you’re gonna have to solve for “where are all the ghost dinosaurs?”

[funeralprocessor]

Dinosaurs resolved all their issues before the advent of homo sapiens.

[plaidos]

you’re joking (i hope) but surely this just underlines how fucking ridiculous this whole concept is in the first place

[funeralprocessor]

No, no of course I'm joking. The real answer is that every dinosaur goes straight to hell matter what

[feyosha]

What we call “gravity” is actually just the spiritual pressure of a compacted layer of Ghost Fish that covers the entire earth 19 miles deep

[feyosha]

THE SACRIFICED

[rosesgray]

Schiaparelli

Fall 2025 Haute Couture

[feyosha]

[mephistopheles]

being single sucks [remembers that romantic love isnt the gleaming beacon of salvation that will fix the chasm within me] #mychasm #isupportmychasm [remembers not to trivialize my emotions] but it is painful to never have been deemed worthy of that kind of lasting love [remembers how many incels there are] but honestly you should be totally self-sufficient and never want anything ever [remembers that im evil] im evil

[feyosha]

USERNAME CHECKS OUT

[thestuffedalligator]

I’m going to level with you. I have listened to The Devil Went Down to Georgia for most of my life. We were a country music household, this was a staple of my childhood along with Johnny Cash, Garth Brooks, and that one Chipmunks country album.

I have no idea what “Fire on the mountain run boys run/The Devil's in the house of the rising sun/Chicken in the bread pan picking out dough/Granny does your dog bite no child no” means and at this point I’m too scared to ask.

[dementian]

For once I can be of assistance.

Each of the lyrics comes from an old-time hickory song for fiddles, and is a lyric from that corresponding song.

"Fire on the Mountain" --> "Fire on the Mountain, run boys run"

Fire On The Mountain - Fiddle Player POV

"The House of the Rising Sun" --> "The Devil's in the house of the rising sun"

House of the Rising Sun

"Ida Red" --> "Chicken in the bread pan peckin' out dough"

Ida Red - Bob Wills & His Texas Playboys

"Granny Will Your Dog Bite" --> "Granny does your dog bite? 'No child, no'."

FTC #149 Granny Will Your Dog Bite

And for your furthered education, The Mountain Whipporwill.

Mountain Whippoorwill (aka How Hillbilly Jim Won the Great Fiddler's Prize)

[impossiblepackage]

this is the key part of the song, that a lot of people miss. people have this misconception that the contest between Johnny and The Devil is about who is the better fiddle player. but it isn't. its about who is the better fiddler.

in a time before things like radios and record players, every time you heard music was because there was somebody in the room with you playing an instrument. and many, many, many social events involved dancing, which requires music. so, if you're planning any kind of gathering in the american south or appalachia, you need to find a fiddler. and the fiddler's job is to play music that everybody knows and likes and can dance to.

the mistake The Devil makes in his bet with Johnny is that he misinterprets the contest as being about technical ability, so he has this big flashy song. he plays fast and impressively with a band of demons playing unfamiliar instruments in unfamiliar rhythms. he's definitely more skilled at playing than Johnny, and thinks he has it in the bag.

but Johnny wins because the contest is about being the best fiddler. the song uses these lines mentioned above as a shorthand for saying that Johnny is playing these songs. Johnny launches into a set of the most popular songs, played well, and that's what gives him his big win. A good fiddler knows all the hits, and can read the room to know what to play next. The Devil loses because he completely fails to read the room, and doesn't know the right songs.

[feyosha]

POPULAR MUSIC KEEPS THE DEVILS AT BAY

[feyosha]

You really don’t have to worry about the Butterfly Effect when Time Traveling as long as you remember to hook a thread back into your original Timeline: the Butterfly Effect is a pop-mathematics examination of Chaos Theory and frankly is more a statement about the difficulty of accurately modeling complex systems than it is about the ability of individuals to alter the course of the river of historical events. As long as historical luminary Franz Ferdinand The Great continues to live to a ripe old age everything will be fine.

[feyosha]

ALRIGHT WHO WENT AND HELPED THOSE MEDDLING KIDS

[segamascott]

[otteroflore]

alright everyone is being sassy but nobody has brought up the actual reason why scientists are interested in the titanic in the notes

Per wikipedia:

The Titanic was made of steel, presumably to resist corrosion (i mean. thats why boats are made of steel i assume) but even when iron/steel rusts people did not expect to find like. decomposition. bacteria are EATING the titanic.

and there's wood furniture from the titanic that isn't decaying. hell, there are wood ships at the bottom of the ocean that archaeologists study. so the expectation people have for the titanic is not that the steel would decompose at the bottom of the ocean. Even in 100 years, since there are much more ancient preserved wooden ships iirc.

(im not particularly knowledgeable about ships, i just had heard about the science going on around the titanic so i wanted to clarify that on this post for people)

[shoresoftheshadowlands]

[sailor-arashi]

The Titanic is an exceptionally weird whalefall basically.

[asteroidtroglodyte]

Hi! Natural Historian here!

Microorganisms have been Metabolizing Iron since before the Great Oxygenation Event, approximately ~3.7 billion years ago.

The earliest known Wood-bearing Plants lived approximately ~400 million years ago, and it took several million years for anything to evolve that could digest it; the accumulated biomass of early undigested Wood eventually became all the Coal in the world.

Microorganisms have been eating Iron for more than 10x as long as they’ve been eating Wood.

[Fun fact Wood is newer than Sharks]

But. All that said. I don’t know that Science has ever had the chance to watch this play out before. I would be interested in seeing what similarities and differences there end up being between the Titanic and the steel-frame boats that sunk in the shallower tropical waters during WWII. I bet different metabolic pathways get prioritized. I wonder which lineages eat the boat faster. Anyway-

Golly do I love Earth! Weird fucking place!

[feyosha]

[SHIP-EATING MICROBES]

[asteroidtroglodyte]

“The Titanic was made of steel, presumably to resist corrosion (i mean. thats why boats are made of steel i assume)”

Nope! You freely confess you don’t know much about boats, so I’ll just go ahead and let you know that even nice modern alloys of steel generally do not fare so well against The Ocean without constant maintenance!

Even in the shallows, the metabolic activity of oceanic microorganisms is nontrivial! From the Wiki page on Corrosion:

Accelerated low-water corrosion (ALWC) is a particularly aggressive form of MIC that affects steel piles in seawater near the low water tide mark. It is characterized by an orange sludge, which smells of hydrogen sulfide when treated with acid. Corrosion rates can be very high and design corrosion allowances can soon be exceeded leading to premature failure of the steel pile. Piles that have been coated and have cathodic protection installed at the time of construction are not susceptible to ALWC. For unprotected piles, sacrificial anodes can be installed locally to the affected areas to inhibit the corrosion or a complete retrofitted sacrificial anode system can be installed. Affected areas can also be treated using cathodic protection, using either sacrificial anodes or applying current to an inert anode to produce a calcareous deposit, which will help shield the metal from further attack.

Wood, by comparison, has been known since antiquity to be highly water resistant, so long as it is adequately sealed and maintained. Not to say that they never degrade, but. Trees don’t grow in The Sea. They’re an ephemeral food source. Wood-metabolism in The Sea is a rare thing, especially compared to Metal-metabolism.

So why build a ship out of Steel?

Well. It’s very strong. Much stronger than Wood.

Large-scale availability of Steel enabled ship designs with displacements never seen before in maritime history. The upper limit on boat design, after all, is the ability for the craft to hold the structural integrity of its inner volume against the crushing weight of the water it displaces. The name Titanic was chosen precisely because of the positively titanic proportions of the vessel.

We are spoiled, a bit, in our modern age, by the floating islands of Freight which have made global commerce so cheap, and globalization possible; those Shipping Container Ships which, in their quiet humble task of trucking tennis shoes and rubber ducks across the seas, dwarf even the mightiest warships of the naval empires of days of yore.

Nobody had built a boat this big out of a material this strong before. They couldn’t possibly know what the limits of the craft were with certainty. It was an experiment on a grand scale, and we learned much from it, at no small cost.

But, no. Steel does not resist the sea better than Wood. Never has. The More You Know!

[mondainai]

[feyosha]

You really don’t have to worry about the Butterfly Effect when Time Traveling as long as you remember to hook a thread back into your original Timeline: the Butterfly Effect is a pop-mathematics examination of Chaos Theory and frankly is more a statement about the difficulty of accurately modeling complex systems than it is about the ability of individuals to alter the course of the river of historical events. As long as historical luminary Franz Ferdinand The Great continues to live to a ripe old age everything will be fine.