If you’ve told me a couple months ago I would be crying and wishing to go back to the place I escaped from I would laugh at you.
I can’t believe how lonely, stressed and scared I feel here. I wanna go home. I know I wanted to move to Japan but not like this, and I regret so much never thinking about the situation and analize it twice before accepting. I never thought I would be crying everyday like this in hope of just one day wake up and be back. But now I’m here, and I’m drowning in debt back in my country bc of how much it costed me to move to the other side of the globe. I wanna go home but I don’t wanna get my mom in trouble bc of my debt (I know she’ll take it as hers). I’m drowning in tears too, tears that don’t appear to cease at all and I’m afraid this will get me sick soon.
I wanna go home, but I don’t wanna disappoint people who believed in me. I used to see this as an opportunity to finally be able to support my parents financially and pay them back for everything they’ve done for me, but I’m so tired and I don’t think I can continue like this for much longer. And being a failure just hurst so much.
I’m so tired of not understanding what people say and being yelled at by my superiors when that happens. I’m tired of not having anyone here. I’m tired of being in the middle of nowhere. I’m tired of wanting to make friends and people not talking to anyone outside of work. I’m tired of having to take a bus 40 minutes to be able to do groceries or have any contact with civilization. I’m tired of having restrictions on the time to take a fucking shower and I’m tired of having to share it. I’m tired of having to eat whatever there is to eat here bc I can’t afford to cook and the kitchen doesn’t even have a refrigerator. I’m sick of hating myself every time I have to break my vegan diet, it really makes me feel like shit. I’m tired of having to give my back to things I believe in just because I’m getting paid to do so. I’m so fucking tired and I haven’t felt so empy since I was 16-17 years old. I’m scared.
And at this point I coule just try to move to a city, somewhere where I know people and where I can actually live a normal life, but at this point I just feel like everyday that passes I get more and more energy drained out of me that soon the only thing that will be able to fix me will be going back to my family, my dog and my room.
