Community Discussions

[aro-and-ace-topics]

I’ve been thinking lately about how I want to live alone without a partner or roommates for my whole life, and how HARD that is going to be. Society isn’t designed for people to be alone, especially women who want to be by themselves. It’s frustrating to think about.

[aro-and-ace-topics]

What does Valentine’s Day mean to you all?

For me, it’s a chance to express love for my friends and buy myself candy, but can also be a bit painful because it makes me feel like something is wrong with me and that I’m missing something irreplaceable in my life.

[blueangeldreamland]

aros what is your advice for the summer!! :)

[aro-and-ace-topics]

Go on a road trip.

[aro-and-ace-topics]

TW internalized arophobia, acephobia

Hey friends,

Sometimes I am very sure of myself and my identity, but often I go through periods of self doubt. I feel like I’m lying to myself and that my aromanticism and asexuality are just the result of something going wrong in my mind. I constantly doubt whether I can truly be happy without children or a spouse or romantic, or I think that maybe my parents are right and that my feelings will eventually change and it really is all a phase.

It’s probably a result of the fact that the aspec community is so small and new, and gets so little recognition, that I start to think that it’s not real or that I’m making it all up.

I know this isn’t a healthy way to think, and that there are no ‘rules’ to sexuality or romantic orientation so I don’t have to prove that my feelings are real or legitimate, but the self doubt hurts and causes me stress when I think about the future and how my life will be different from the people around me.

Sorry if this is triggering or hard to read- I know that self doubt and validity are something we all struggle with. I want to know what you guys think about this.

How do you guys deal with this sort of negative thinking? How do you rationalize and justify how you feel, or do you feel like you don’t have to?

I want to know if other people feel the same way I do.

[aro-and-ace-topics]

When there’s a character that would be your type if you had a type:

[aro-and-ace-topics]

Discussion Time!

Y’all ready?

Ok guys, I need some new ideas. What excuses do you guys use for not dating when you are talking to someone you aren’t out to?

Some of my frequently used excuses:

- it’s not high on my priority list

- I just don’t like dating (don’t use this with people who will freak out about that)

- I’m way too busy

Do you guys have any favorite excuses? I get so tired of using them but I hate pretending to be allo even more.

[zarkonis-moved]

as promised, da aro/ace cookies!

[aro-and-ace-topics]

Yo.

I’ve been thinking about this lately...

To all my fellow aromantics:

Are there any conditions under which you would be willing to get married?

I personally don’t even want a qpr, so the ONLY person I would marry would be someone who:

1. Wills me a SUBSTANTIAL amount of money and assets

2. Is on their deathbed in the throes of a fatal illness.

What about you guys? Would you marry a qpp, or marry someone for convenience?

[routakuu]

This is from a book called Muistojenlukija by Elina Rouhiainen (I don’t think it has been translated to english so I’ll try to translate this part:)

  Kiuru had no idea what that meant, so she asked her own question: “Do you like him?”

  “Of course I like him. He’s my best friend.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “I’m aromantic”, Bollywood said.

  The word was completely unknown to Kiuru. “What does it mean?”

  “I don’t fall in love, I don’t even have crushes. I don’t want to go out with anyone.”

  “Ever?”

  “I don’t believe that the situation will change at least anytime soon.”

  Kiuru thought about it. “Wow, you’re really more free than anyone else I know.”

I almost cried from happiness when I saw this, because I’m used to having to search for aro representation, but this was in a book I just randomly picked. A n d it’s from a finnish author and I rarely see anything about aros in finnish.

[aro-and-ace-topics]

Aroace representation in manga (!!! For real!)

Hey guys, this isn’t really a discussion post, I just wanted to recommend this manga I read where they have really good aroace representation.

The manga is called “Kanojo Ni Naritai Kimi to Boku.” It’s primarily about a wlw girl who is in love with her best friend, a girl who is trans. The story revolves around their lives as they attend high school.

There’s a teacher in the manga who is talking to one of the characters, trying to give her advice. He shares his own experiences of being different from other people because he doesn’t feel romantic love.

I could NOT believe my eyes when I read that part. Yes, I cried a little bit. It’s the first really good and explicit (without saying asexual or aromantic) representation I have seen in ANYTHING.

The manga portrays the struggles of lgbtq+ people, but in a way that isn’t depressing, it’s a cute love story first and foremost.

The manga is still ongoing, but I think it is updated pretty regularly (online).

So yeah, if you are like me and are STARVING for rep, please check this manga out.

TL;DR “Kanojo Ni Naritai Kimi to Boku” is a manga with really good lgbtq+ rep, INCLUDING aroace rep.

[asexualityresearch]

Asexual Research Survey

We’re a research team housed at Binghamton University in Binghamton, New York. We’re currently studying how asexuality fits into the idea that sex is a natural part of being a human. If you’re interested in helping with our research, you can take our survey at the link below! The survey can be taken by anyone no matter if you’re asexual or not! If you have any questions, DM me!

https://forms.gle/WCfJ8ip9DbPnuczj8

[aro-and-ace-topics]

Sexuality in Media

This is mostly directed at acespec individuals:

how do you feel about sex in the media? for instance, sex scenes in movies, smut in books, suggestive stuff, sexualization of characters etc? 

For me, I don’t enjoy anything sexual to the point that I will avoid it if I can, but it doesn’t physically gross me out/make me sick or anything. I prefer it when characters are wearing clothing that isn’t revealing as long as it fits the context. Superfluous sexuality in stuff bothers me, but I have learned to ignore it/tolerate it for the most part.

I know some people really can’t handle sex-related stuff, if that applies to you is it because of your acespec identity?

How do you guys feel overall about it? I don’t know if being asexual causes one to be less tolerant of sexy stuff than an allosexual person. I don’t think there are a lot of people who enjoy having an awkward sex scene plopped into a movie just for the hell of it, but I wonder if being asexual means it might bother you on a different level as well?

Give me some of your thoughts!

[aro-and-ace-topics]

About GSAs

(Gay-Straight Alliance- general name for lgbtq+ organizations on campuses, etc.)

Hey everyone, hope everything is going great for everyone. This is just a short post about GSA organizations.

I’ve never been to a GSA meeting or any kind of lgbtq+ meeting, and I know each club is different, but I still want to get some feedback from you guys.

Tell me about your experience attending a GSA meeting/other queer organization, and whether you liked it/felt welcome, especially in regards to your aspec identity

Did people already know about your aspec identity, or did you have to explain it to everyone?

Those of you who haven’t been but are thinking about it, what concerns/question do you have and are you worried about anything.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot because school is coming up and I am thinking of attending my school’s GSA buuuuut I’m a little nervous idk.

[millenniumfae]

What Kind Of A-Spec Magic Do You Have?

All people on the a-spectrum are made of their unique, individual magic. Answer the questions to find out what you're made of!

A just-for-fun personality quiz! Find out what kind of a-spec magic you have!

[headfrogs]

i got wildflower and i wanna say

please take this, it’s absolutely amazing and motivating.

they don’t link it here, but i found this through the trans one

[aro-and-ace-topics]

I identify as aromantic. I’ve never once had a crush on anyone irl. I’ve even tried being in a relationship once, and I was miserable and uncomfortable the entire time. however, I do get “romantic” crushes on fictional characters, actors, etc. I like to self insert, because it’s like being in a relationship, without actually having to be in a relationship. But if they were to ask me out in real life I’d still say no. Does this make me any less aro? Help!!

I did some research and I hope I can help you out.

So, one thing that’s really important to remember about romantic/sexual orientations and identities is that there are TONS of them. The aspec community kinda gets a ton of criticism for having so many “unnecessary labels,” but the truth is that romantic and sexual attraction are really hard to identify and understand, and specific labels can really help.

I definitely think that you are aromantic, but that your aromanticism can be better understood if we look at the terms other people have come up with, because other people have had the same questions as well.

I recognized your thing about having like, “fantasy” crushes where you’re only really interested because it’s not realistic or possible. I looked up aromantic identities, and there’s quite a few lists out there.

The label you are looking for could be aegoromantic/autochorisromantic (phew, big words). The definition I found online is

Someone who enjoys the idea of romance, but not wishing to be a participant in romantic activities (based off of autochorissexual / a disconnection between oneself and a romantic target or fantasy).

You should definitely look into some other labels, because I think there are more than I found in my brief search. If it comes down to it, you could also coin your own label, if you think it would fit.

So yeah, other people have doubted their aromanticism because of their fantasies/love of romanticism, and they came up with a label that still fits under the arospec umbrella, while describing their attraction a little more specifically.

Do any aegoromanti/autochorisromantic people follow this blog? If so, please teach us some stuff!

[aro-and-ace-topics]

I just started to realize that I am aromatic. I have realized that I am asexual a while ago, and now I feel like I want to cry. This guy has a crush on me, and the way that he explained to me how he liked me in a relationship kind of way made me realize that I have never felt that way about someone before. All I want from people is to just kinda spend time with them. I have never had the desire to kiss someone before, or have sex. It just seems pointless. Am I aromatic? If I am what should I do?

Hi wheatorcactus (what an interesting name).

First of all I wanna say that all the advice I can give you is taken from my own experience and what other people have said. There’s no instruction manual to this stuff, and your experience is totally unique, but I’ll see if I can help you out.

The realization that I was aro was way harder for me to process as well. Romance is so important in everyone’s lives, it feels like you are living in a completely different world, right?

Go ahead and feel upset, annoyed, angry, or sad about stuff. It’s true that being aromantic makes life a ton more difficult and confusing, so take your time getting used to it.

I also feel like I just wanna hang out with everyone and see my friends as often as possible, so when they prioritize other things before me... it can hurt a bit. Patience and communication is super important. I came out to all of my closest friends and I feel like it helps them understand how important they are to me. It’s never gonna be perfect, but it can still be good, you know?

As for whether or not you feel like you fit under the label “aromantic,” there are no requirements for this label, no one will check your credentials, do what feels right for you. Some stuff will make you question whether you are just making it all up, but just remember that no one actually knows anything about aromanticism, right now it’s this hugely broad label, and if it feels right for you, then it is, and you don’t have to doubt it.

As for what to do.... work on your friendships and relationships with the people around you, because those will become more and more important to you as time goes on.

I’m so sorry, this turned out super freaking long, but this is what I want to say to you. I hope you can grow to love this part of yourself.

[aro-and-ace-topics]

Discuss!

Hey guys.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my future, and as an aroace person I am looking forward to living alone in my own house and doing whatever I want.

However, I can’t help but feel that deviating from the typical couple/nuclear family makes it difficult to maintain relationships and friendships and avoid feeling alone.

So, I wanna hear what you guys have to say about

Loneliness.

I feel like loneliness is a problem for anyone who isn’t seeking the heterosexual, heteroromantic pairing, simply due to the fact that finding a partner becomes much, much more difficult, whether you are looking for a romantic partner or a qpr. Some people might want to have kids, but being aspec can make that difficult in a ton of different ways.

When I think of the future I can’t help but feel despair when I know that my friends and family will all be paired up and making their own little families, and that for me to be who I really am, I can’t make myself do that. I feel like I’ll always be trying to visit friends, but they won’t have time for me. I feel helpless because finding someone to be in a qpr with is in some ways more difficult than finding a romantic or sexual partner.

Do you guys think about this stuff too? Obviously it’s different for people on different areas of the spectrum.

How do you guys cope with feeling lonely?

I wish there were more ways to link up with other aspec people who are in similar situations, do you guys agree?

Am I just doomed for a future of being a visitor in everyone else’s lives?

Impart upon me your wisdom, o aspecs!