I think one of the wildest parts about discovering you're asexual is realizing almost everyone else isn't.

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@aroaceinthestreets
I think one of the wildest parts about discovering you're asexual is realizing almost everyone else isn't.
Regardless of how wronged and hurt you are, regardless how much of a horrible piece of shit the other person is being, you still should not say bigoted things about them.
Bigotry is not a more advanced degree of insults that stings more, it's a reinforcement of the framework where certain marginalized traits are inferior. This is not about you and that person. This is about the society you live in.
Look I know you are cool with this, but you have to understand. I am a religious woman. [clicks tongue] I know, Mami.
One Day at a Time | 1.11
screenshots do not do this scene justice, so here’s the video posted by @sunflowersrain
Hello! Do you want ace representation? (You said aro but same difference, right?) We have
Asexuality 101: They're the token ace in The Sex Show and they say "I've never had sex before and I don't think I want to, am I... broken?" And then they learn about asexuality. Their entire character arc revolves around not having sex in The Sex Show. Completely unrelatable if you're anything other than sex-repulsed and alloromantic.
Asexual Book: it feels like reading a wikipedia article and will stop resonating once you're over the accepting-yourself-stage and start discovering yourself beyond the standard asexual experience.
Token Ace: they're the asexual character in the current big queer cartoon and she has significantly less screentime than the other characters. Confirmed asexual on social media.
Cartoon Animal: the creator didn't wanna think about them having sex because that's a cartoon animal. You'd be surprised how much porn people draw of this character.
The Dark And Mysterious Nerd: don't get your hopes up, he's also a tumblr sexyman and nothing in the source material indicates his asexuality.
Todd Chavez.
Twink Of The Month: he currently has swarms of people going "asexuals can still have sex" but they're not really interested in exploring sexual relationships from an asexual perspective, they just don't want him to be asexual. The other half of the debate is working tirelessly to alienate sex-favorable people from the asexual community.
Ace Coded: they're the most asexual character of all time but it's not stated in the source material or confirmed by the author so you have to write a thesis in hopes that someone might consider that they could be asexual. You might get called homophobic if you do.
Alien Robot: their lack of interest in sex is directly tied to them not being human. The fanbase has a massive collective boner for them though.
Murderer: Yeah... Collective boner also applies here.
Actually Good Representation: she's from a piece of media that has a fandom smaller than the population of a small village and does not suit your taste whatsoever
Your Own Fucking OC: at this point, just do it yourself.
GUYS, WE'RE IN THE CHICAGO MANUAL OF STYLE!!!!!
hey controversial opinion but clean water should be fucking free and people should never be allowed to make money off of it because its fucking needed to live
my petty gripe about anachronism in historical/fantasy/spec-fic worlds is attraction language.
We’ve all heard the “should you use modern queer labels or not” argument but honestly even when people go “true, they wouldn’t use the labels ‘aromantic’ or ‘asexual,’” so often the characters describe their experiences as “I never felt romantic attraction” or “I don’t feel attracted to anyone” in ways that makes me go. You are stilllllll thinking about this in an extraordinarily modern online way. That 19th century steampunk detective man will NOT be angsting about having never felt romantic attraction, he would be angsting about being unable to feel moved by the beauty or charm of a woman, or something. And I do think that “attractiveness” language is different from the identity-level idea of experiencing attraction—Sherlock Holmes does not talk about not experiencing attraction, but when Watson says “What a very attractive woman!” Holmes responds “Is she? I did not observe.” (And then Watson calls him an inhuman automaton and calculating-machine and Holmes calls Watson’s judgement biased). Never swayed by the attractiveness of a man or woman, never desirous of marriage, never charmed by the delights of love, all of these feel like some of the variety of ways that someone in this milieu might describe an ace- or aro-spectrum identity more than “never felt attraction” does. Mostly because, like the terms for aromantic and asexual themselves, nailing down an exclusively attraction-based definition of a-spec identities is a relatively new and extremely post-AVEN thing. And yet in fiction everybody knows to articulate their experience as feeling sexual/romantic attraction. And I always want to go nooo how would THIS character think about it?? Not how you think this character SHOULD think about it, how would THIS person in THIS context articulate their feelings?
#I think part of this language conversation should touch on how divisions between romantic and platonic love change with time and cultures#like romantic friendships are a thing we simply Do Not recognize anymore#sworn brotherhood is a relationship dynamic we do not recognize anymore#relationships that fuzz the line between what WE NOW consider romantic and platonic but were in their og context fully platonic--#or at least were defined by and overtly held space for fully platonic expressions--#were completely standard at various points in history#men could share a bed and that was considered platonic#women could write gushing love letters to each other and that was considered platonic#were some people queer-allosexual in this context and able to use these relationships to make space for themselves? absolutely#but ace/aro people had more options for fulfilling relationships than I think we give history credit for#so if we're encouraging writers to examine their ahistoric use of modern definitions of attraction#then IMO we should also be encouraging folks to examine their ahistoric use of modern models of romantic love#ok that's been my messy little addendum
Love these additions by @clovexei !
fave dynamic is platonic but somethings weird with it (the weird part is an insanely deep level of devotion, trust and understanding, as well as narrative importance that is not typically allowed for platonic relationships in media, making the portrayal feel unique and queer in nature. typically best served as m+f)
Kai's not aromantic but I think he should be. As a treat. I think he would enjoy it. I think he would have fun with the ambiguity of relationships. What's the difference between friendship and romance? Am I in love with my friend or do I want to be friends with my crush? What's the difference between found family and romance? What's the difference between friendship and found family? Can you make out with your friends? Can you sleep with your best friend? How to ask your friend to be your soulmate? All questions Kai'isteron, Aro Witch King, would love googling.
characters going “we were lovers once”: eh, it’s okay i guess. it’s nice enough
characters going “we were friends once”: absolutely devastating. one hit knockout i’m gone
getting violently ill btw
if i may say one thing about in-community tumblr aspec discourse. I think We As A Broad Community have a real tendency to get tunnel vision and severely over-estimate how good groups just adjacent to our own groups have it. on a pretty regular rotation I'll see waves of posts on the varying themes of "sex-favorable asexuals are completely palatable and accepted now" "everyone's on board with asexuals and aroaces but no one can stand the idea of aroallos" "ace people are accepted just fine as long as they're 100% virginal and sex-repulsed but god forbid you have a more complex relationship with sex" "everyone loves aro activism but start saying asexual talking points and they get scared" and, comrades, none of this is the case. there is no variety of acespec or arospec person who does not experience massive barriers to even basic self-expression, and this is only somewhat better in queer-majority social spaces. certain friend circles may individually be chiller about some kinds of aspecs but this does not mean that ex. "asexual perverts are too normalized," aphobia towards all aspecs is still the norm. let us not forget that We Live In A Society.
I know I've been vague posting about this but Witch King really does mean so much to me as an aroace person.
Even in queer friendly media it is so rare for creators to go out of their way to make world that I actually feel like I could comfortably inhabit. So often even in stories that celebrate queerness the emphasis gets put on the gay relationships and if aro/ace people are acknowledged it's so they can reject someone who has a crush on them and become an object lesson on how their identity is OK. They don't get to just be.
Witch King does not have explicit aro/ace characters (at least in the first book. If I'm wrong about anything in this post no spoilers please) but it does have multiple characters who are just single. It is such a breath of fresh air that these characters are loved, and valued, and have deep personal relationships instead of being an afterthought. Kai is not some hollowed out husk of a man with nothing to live for just because his boyfriend? died. Sure he's sad about that, but he has goals and friends and a full life to lead. Dahin is not some afterthought to the friend group just because he's single. Sure he's a bit of a loner, but that's frankly due more to his tendency to run away screaming while everyone else tries to tackle him and lecture him on the importance of the buddy system than his relationship status.
And I particularly like that the characters are all friends with each other. Kai isn't friends with Ziede and Ziede's wife is also there. Kai is friends with Zeide and Tahren. Ziede doesn't put up with Dahin because she's in a relationship with his sister. She specifically also cares about him as an individual separate from Tahren. And Dahin returns that affection. He's specifically mentioned to still be close to Ziede and Kai even when he's fighting with Tahren.
Kai and Dahin's relationship is specifically so meaningful to me. The amount of love Kai has for Dahin is everything to me. Like I came across some Goodreads review that referenced their relationship as Kai "being patient with neurodivergent Dahin" which made me so irrationally upset for what ultimately comes down to a difference in interpretation, because minor ableism aside, incorrect read. Kai does not put up with Dahin. Kai adores Dahin. When they stumble across Dahin in the Summer Halls Kai describes it as walking into a dream. He immediately wants to trust Dahin and describes how good it is to just be with his friend he hasn't seen in a while. In the past he risks his chance to kill a hierarch during what he firmly believed was a suicide mission for everyone involved for the opportunity to maybe rescue Dahin, who he had known for about 4 hours at that point. Like to be clear, at that point Kai believed that none of them were going to survive the day. The only difference in rescuing Dahin or not is if Dahin dies alone and scared absorbed into the hierarch's well or if he dies in battle with his friends, and he still chose to risk his mission to rescue Dahin anyway. Kai is routinely incredibly empathetic and considerate of Dahin's emotions, and insecurities and traumas, even when they cause Dahin to behave in frustrating ways. Kai loves Dahin. And as an aroace, but also as someone who really identified with Dahin for other reasons, that level of care is so meaningful, especially coming from an allo character.
It's a huge part of why I spent the first half of the book wondering if Kai was aro and/or ace, because I just don't usually see characters exhibit that level of affection for their friends unless it is being used as a substitute for sexual or romantic love. To see Kai consistently display massive amounts of love for both Dahin and Ziede while also crushing on Ramad in the present and Bashasa in the past was just huge for me. Tahren as well although she just gets less page time for obvious reasons.
It really feels like a world (or at least a friend group) that I could just exist in because rather than the narrative insisting that single characters butt up against societal expectations that they don't, or can't, fulfill as a plot device to explain aromanticism to the audience, or for the sole purpose of other giving other charcters an excuse to give a "But we still love you" speech, it lets single characters just live their lives. The world lets define themselves by the things they do care about (people, hobbies, events, ideals) rather than this one thing they lack and may not even want.
Kai and Dahin both (and to a lesser extent Sanja and Tenes, although they're more minor characters) are allowed space to breathe without needing an excuse as to why they're not in a romantic relationship. Kai is even allowed to just not act on attraction that he does feel, because he recognizes that that attraction doesn't mean that a relationship with Ramad would be a good thing. And of course there were extenuating circumstances there, but I appreciate that Kai doesn't try to make excuses for Ramad or justify why maybe that relationship could work actually. Even before their confrontation at the end of the book, Kai recognizes that that relationship wouldn't work because he can't trust Ramad, and that alone is enough of a reason to not enter a relationship regardless of how he otherwise feels about Ramad. (Again, no clue if this holds in Queen Demon, please no spoilers)
I really appreciate that Witch King isn't afraid to have characters that just aren't in relationships. And maybe they will be in the future or maybe they won't but they are still treated as whole, complete characters that are worth caring about right now.
Thinking about the whole "there is no platonic explanation for this" thing and how it doesn't account for intense platonic situationships and anyways I think we should start saying "there is no casual explanation for this" bc really what we're talking about is the way the characters in question are Obsessed with each other
unfortunately i dont think its queerbaiting if the creator is just so terminally heterosexual that they never remotely considered the same gender relationship their show is centered around could be read as romantic. it is deeply painful however.
Maybe accidental queer baiting? The way someone may not mean to say something rude, but it may come off rude, so it's rude. Frustrating either way.
Not being a dick, just a friendly clarification.
By definition you can't accidentally queerbait. Queerbaiting is specifically using a same sex pair from the show to market the show to queer audiences with no intention of ever following through on a romantic relationship.
There is officially licensed Destiel merch signed off on by Kripke. Teen Wolf had a commercial with the actors for Derek and Stiles draped over each other talking about being "on a ship." Both shows actively used scenes between them as marketing while actively mocking fans for wanting them together. Sherlock has multiple characters refer to Johnlock as a couple, including characters we're supposed to believe are never wrong about human behavior and pushed those scenes in marketing. Then they acted insulted when fans saw them as a couple.
That's queerbaiting.
Done on accident it would just be queer subtext. Done because they had no other choice due to censorship is queer coding.
The specific meaning of the word is really starting to get lost and it's a pretty important one to keep accurate. It describes a very specific phenomenon that was done repeatedly and maliciously for decades and is meant to examine that specifically.
Doing it on accident sucks, but it isn't a tactic of capitalism intentionally intended to suppress queer representation while making money from queer fans.
Happy pride month specifically to folks on the asexual and aromantic spectrum who oftentimes feel isolated and left out of the conversation. You belong here as much as the rest of us and I hope that you are all loved in a way that is comforting to you.
Alan Turing and Ada of Lovelace did not invent computer science for the girls and the gays to claim they can't do math
Happy Pride Month! Time to remind all of your conservative Protestant family members that you actually can't go to hell for being queer in Protestantism and if they believe that, they're actually Catholic.