yo m aro

aromantic . grayapl . nonamorous . they/he . call me arr . writes . immersive daydreamer . aspec reblogmania

[alto-tenure]

Aplatonic/greyplatonic/etc people: How is platonic attraction defined? Does it just apply to QPRs, or does it apply to all platonic relationships?

I think I might be greyplatonic.

But I’ve always been an extrovert. I love getting attention, I derive happiness from conversation and I enjoy supporting my friends and care about them but I’m really not sure if that’s platonic love, and if I can still be aplatonic spec. But I’ve never really formed deep friendships with anyone (aside from one toxic person) and I’m terrified that if I’m somewhere on the aplatonic spectrum, where does that leave me as a person?

I don’t really want any sort of intimate relationships, even if they aren’t romantic. I haven’t sought that out from anyone, and I never really form close bonds with the people I consider my friends.

Just admitting that my thoughts about the sheer possibility of being greypl is scary, but it might just be the truth. I don’t know.

[arrtypo]

I’ve always defined platonic attraction, for me personally, to mean ‘feeling a pull towards others that makes me want to be their friend’. About the whole ‘qpr or all platonic relationships’ deal, that’s actually something that’s being discussed and I won’t get into the nuances here. I’ll only speak from ‘platonic conceptualised as friendship’ perspective.

It doesn’t matter what your personality is because aplatonism is a label for anyone who can identify with ‘not feeling that pull’, whatever that might mean for different people. If you feel it helps you understand yourself and how you navigate relationships, it’s there for you to try out.

Being (gray)aplatonic for me is... I can meet someone I get along with, or who I wouldn’t mind seeing again. But I’d rarely make an effort to guarantee a future interaction, to start a relationship. If we see each other again, cool. but if we never, cool. I’ll still appreciate (or forget, depends) the memory of us hanging out.

I have meaningful platonic relationships but I wouldn’t really call them deep or founded on platonic love. I’m not confident in my ability to be committed, intimate, or emotionally open; those things scare me. Couple that with my asocial tendencies and, yeah.

Identifying as aplatonic has actually helped me. I’ve hated myself in the past for not ‘performing’ friendship like everyone else seems to. Being aplatonic has made me accept me for me; helped me understand my boundaries; and the ways I, well, navigate relationships. 

In the context of the aro community, where friendship, squishes and platonic love are often treasured, I can cling to the aplatonic label with a sense of security about my aromanticism.

That’s what it’s like for me. I’m not immune to loneliness, and it’s still a conscious effort to text friends, but I like being aplatonic.

[aromagpie]

i’ve read a lot of stuff recently about the two different definitions of “aplatonic.” the fact that this word has two definitions - no platonic attraction vs. no queerplatonic attraction - makes any discussion very confusing.

so. perhaps we need to apply what currently seems to be the aro community’s standard solution to most problems: throwing more words at it.

i think we need a word for “not experiencing queerplatonic attraction” which is separate from aplatonic.

i’m not going to come up with a word (the obvious one is aqueerplatonic, but that’s a bit of a mouthful) because i want to hear other people’s opinions. so, do you think a new word would be useful? would a new word actually fix any problems, or just make things more confusing? if we do want a new word, what should it be?

[aroacepagans]

I’ve also seen a lot of conversation around this and I think it’s worth mentioning that this is… definitely not the first time the aro community has had this conversation. In fact, it’s not even the first time we’ve had this conversation this year, so we don’t need to start this discussion from scratch. 

One term that’s been used in the past to mean “aqueerplatonic” in nonamory. That said, a lot of aro’s didn’t like this term because it leads to the logical jump that aros who do feel qp attraction are amorous and the word amorous just has too much romantic baggage attached for a bunch of aro’s to feel comfortable with it being applied to them. 

Some people started to use the terms non-partnering and/or nonalterous as an alternative to mean people who don’t want partners or qpp’s. However, those terms are pretty new (only from December 2018) so they haven’t spread very far. They also rub up against the additional problem that attraction is not equal to action, so neither term is exactly equivalent to a word for “doesn’t feel qp attraction”, it just describes an experience that many AQP people happen to have.

And that’s kind of where the discussion ended about 4 months back. I really don’t think any of the proposed terms above are ideal, but it’s good to know that they exist before starting this discussion back up again. 

[arrtypo]

A new term to specifically mean ‘doesn’t experience qp attraction’ would be good. because it pains me that I can’t be aplatonic without others apparently assuming that I’m concerned with qp attraction, or qprs.

Yes, there are two definitions to aplatonic. but the one that’s commonly used is about qp attraction. It’s gotten to the point where that’s mainly what ‘aplatonic’ is misunderstood to be.

Should ‘aplatonic’ accommodate qp attraction? Sure - because some might not see a difference between platonic and qp attraction; or qp attraction is platonically-aligned for them. But that’s where I’d draw the line.

Aplatonic means ‘experiences little to no platonic attraction’ and the struggles around that (some using it to mean struggles with any kind of relationship). That’s it. It’s not queerplatonic-centric at all.

So yeah, a term specific to ‘lacks qp attraction’ would be great, but. you know what? If you’re gonna ignore the damage associating qp attraction has done to aplatonism, there’s no point.

If we’re serious about a new term, it can’t just be ‘because people want it to describe their experiences’. It also has to be ‘because aplatonic people (who lack platonic attraction/struggle with relationships) are being erased from a word they find useful for their experiences’.

I don’t give a single shit whether or not I feel qp attraction. That’s not my main concern when I use aplatonic.

I’ve no ideas for a new term… but focusing on attraction, rather than action or interest, sounds like a good start.

[arrtypo]

@raavenb2619 tagging you from that other aplatonic post since it seemed more relevant to talk on this one.

I’ve had time to think, and honestly I’ve considered sharing ‘aplatonic’ as a umbrella label, of sorts. My big concern with that, in associating platonic attraction and qp attraction under the same label, was people assuming that qp attraction was ‘just another form of platonic/friendship-ness’.

But again, that can go both ways—there are those who see a difference, and those who don’t. Queerplatonism is subjective after all and acknowledging this is important.

Another concern of mine was how the idea of ‘lacking qp attraction’ might overshadow ‘lacking platonic attraction’. because, I don’t know, people are more able to imagine the former rather than the latter.

Those are just my thoughts. I suppose in the end it comes down to consensus and awareness, and if it could be an ‘and/or’ situation.

[arrtypo]

(/post/186015801267) jsyk, aplatonic was coined by an alloromantic and isn't just for aro people

From what I know (which of course is limited) yes, ‘aplatonic’ was coined by an alloromantic , yet I’ve seen posts saying the term became limited for aromantic or at least aspec use.

This post talks briefly about the different uses of aplatonic between communities.

I understand what you mean though. In truth, I don’t really know what to say. I think ‘aplatonic’ became aro-specific because of the large focus on friendship in the aro community. However, there are alloros who seem to use it, though I don’t know any who currently do. because I operate from an aro community perspective.

In any case thanks for the heads up. I’ll edit my previous posts on aplatonism. I’ll still say that it’s a term largely used by aromantics, but that aspec non-aros/alloros can also find it useful. (I say aspec non-aros/alloros because I don’t see why non-aspecs would need the word ‘aplatonic’. In fact, I think that’s what underpinned the mockery ‘aplatonic’ got.)

[astralaspecs]

I'm full of aro salt today!!!

The text reads "Stop saying 'aspec' when you only mean 'acespec'. Alloaros, non-SAM aros, and aroaces who prioritize their aro identity are often alienated by ace-specific language."

"Let alloaros have a space to talk about their sexuality without being alienated in aspec spaces. You don't have to listen, especially if you are sex repulsed, but don't always make the conversation about aces in general aspec spaces."

"Adding 'and aros' to posts about ace issues is arophobic and we know we were an afterthought anyway. Also adding 'not all aros are ace' to the end of a post but failing to have adequate resources for alloaros available does exactly nothing for the community."

"Stop derailing aro specific posts! That not only furthers the idea that aromanticism = asexuality but it often hurts the development of aro specific communities and people questioning if they are aromantic (and it's arophobic)."

I could easily make a specific post about each of these things, because I see them ALL THE TIME. Aro posts getting derailed into talking about asexuality, people tacking one 'and aros' to a post about ace issues and never mentioning us again, people saying they're aspec friendly and then posting arophobic content, alloaros getting talked over because we're not ace and are upsetting aces as a whole, I could go ON.

The aro community talks about this shit a LOT and I know a lot of popular ace bloggers like to ignore these issues, which is why I'm posting this here. I'm alloaro and sometimes I want to discuss my bisexuality and how it intersects with my aromanticism, but I feel UNSAFE doing that. Because I'm worried it's going to get derailed or I'm going to get sex shaming comments or my identity erased by people who should know better.

Aros are almost always an afterthought in aspec communities, and hardly even recognized by general LGBTQ+ organizations. And you know that poll result screenshot going around showing how few people don't verbally support aspecs? There were people who decided aces were worth including but aros weren't. Look at the numbers on it.

This has gotten kind of long now but I guess my point is that there's a lot of unchecked arophobia in ace communities and there is nothing being said about by aces.

[spaderia]

Complexusexual: pronounced com-plex-us-sexual A sexual attraction term used to describe people’s way of saying “it’s complicated” or “I feel like I can identify with a lot of terms but don’t want to list them all” (something to this extent). There’s a lot of circumstances this can be used for (both neurodivergent and otherwise).

I found the palette online and threw the light-middle-grey color on the flag to represent how figuring out one’s sexual orientation can be really complicated for some.

[missaromantic]

Delete the word: lonely spinster

I learned a couple of new words today. Singlism: the judgment people can face for beong single and matrimonia: the obsession for marriage and kids in the media.

The obsession with love makes me roll my eyes. I found out I was aro complaining about how love interests seem to be a requirement for YA novels. Its the reason why I read more fanfiction than novels. I grt the emotional feels that I crave there.

Singlism- I've experienced that so much. It can come from people you love and from distanced friends. Just last week I had a family gathering and my cousin was telling me how I needed to get a boyfriend.

Obviously, I don't want one and I'm happy being single. But I suddenly felt the need to tell her that besides the fact that I'm not interested in romance (that's as far as a coming out as I can get right now) that I'm single because I want to be not because I can't get a guy.

There is this crushing judgment for being single. As if there's something wrong with you. It's both ridiculous and harmful. My younger cousin got bullied with by her cousin (not related to me) and the insult used to insult her was that she was a loser because she didn't have a boyfriend.

It erks me. Why does society seem so hellbent on judging a woman's worth by her relationship status?

Also a little off topic but I'm really nervous for Frozen 2. I hope, no I HOPE they won't pair her off. I mean I hear that people want her to get a girlfriend. I think that it would be great representation don't get me wrong but I think the message of its okay for young girls to stand by themselves needs to be delivered. I don't want Disney to reverse Elsa's message from the first movie. (Because they pair people together all the time and I just want an aro win just this once).

[trigger-talk]

Hi!! My name is Blue and my triggers are alcohol and, occasionally, movies. Sometimes people don’t tag these triggers on Tumblr, and that can lead to panic attacks or just me feeling nauseous. So, the obvious solution is to just, ask people to tag them, right? Well,

You overestimate me.

See, I have social anxiety (and I’m also just a coward), so it’s hard for me to ask people stuff like that a lot. But I figured: a lot of other people probably have that problem too. So I’ve decided to make this blog, a safe space of sorts, for people who have triggers. We are volunteering to send asks to blogs, asking them to trigger tag things for you. And don’t worry, I have borrowed my much more ask willing friend to help! (You can call him Leo) Just shoot us an ask, anon or not, with a trigger and a url, and we’ll tell the blog that someone has requested they trigger tag [thing]. We will also be posting positivity, calming gifs, pastels, anxiety help, all that jazz. I know that triggers can be hard to deal with, but you can do this!!

Disclaimer: me and Leo aren’t experts; sometimes the best thing to help with triggers and mental health issues is a therapist <3

[arofrantics]

every time someone talks about platonic attraction as if it is a universally useful concept i die a little

[arrtypo]

Ah yeah I get this.

For me the only reason I use platonic attraction is because... that's the language I was thrust into. I don't take it literally; I use it to mean 'feeling a pull towards someone in wanting to be friends'.

As an aplatonic aro, 'platonic attraction' is the language I use because... that's officially recognised. I don't know any other shorthand that'll quickly get the message across... also to keep consistent with the definitions of other a-attractions.

It's not ideal, but it's the language that's the most conveniently useful for me. I don't want to infringe by using it, and I can reword things away from attraction, but not completely.

[shippingwhileaspec]

Can characters be ace/aro and gay? Yes, of course. But it gets tiring when gay headcanons are treated as Superior and as Law over purely aspec headcanons all the god damn time.

[thearovolution]

whether or not u have romantic feelings for me is neither my responsibility nor my fault

whether or not u have romantic feelings for me is neither my responsibility nor my fault

whether or not u have romantic feelings for me is neither my responsibility nor my fault

whether or not u have romantic feelings for me is neither my responsibility nor my fault

[arogray]

Arogray

If you've read my previous posts you may know that I was wondering wether or not to keep identifying as greyromantic. I've found a new question to ask myself: "What are my attractions and relationships like right now?" And the answer is that my attractions are sexual (sometimes) and platonic and my relationships work based on those, and make room for my lack of romantic attraction.

Which leads me to the point I want to make in this post: I was considering going by aroallo, but then remembered that I'm aceflux so often my sexual attraction is just gone and my sex repulsion comes back. There is no term in-between aroallo and aroace.

That's why I'm making one up, and the best word I came up with is arogray (snickers at past me choosing this blog url by coincidence).

Definition: arogray - being aromantic or on the aromantic spectrum while also being gray-asexual. Feeling like they fall under aromanticism and in between allo- and asexuality.

[arrtypo]

The fb queer group I'm a part of promoted a new space for relationship stuffs of any kind!and mentioned queerplatonic relationships!! but somehow in mentioning aces didn't mention aros!!!!

so that's erasure (honestly probably unintentional but still shitty. 'aces' isn't shorthand for aspec, guys)

[arrtypo]

FFFFFFFF SECOND EP OF FIRE FORCE IS OUT

[arosonist]

Most of my life I thought that there was something wrong with me cuz i never had crushes, never wanted to be in a relationship. And then i found out what being ace is, but that still didn't feel right CUS I DID EXPERIENCE SEXUAL ATTRACTION.

And then a while ago i started following a blog whose user was aro and they reblogged a bunch of stuff about aromanticism and squishes and all that. AND I FINALLY GOT IT! THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! I'M JUST ARO! AND THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE JUST LIKE ME!!!!!

It was like finding a piece of a puzzle that I've been missing. I love being aro so much!!!!!!

[jdmarge-deactivated20110911]

[alongthepathtopeace]

Yes, lets imagine a world WITHOUT MUSLIMS, shall we?

Without Muslims you wouldn’t have:

Coffee

Cameras

Experimental Physics

Chess

Soap

Shampoo

Perfume/spirits

Irrigation

Crank-shaft, internal combustion engine, valves, pistons

Combination locks

Architectural innovation (pointed arch -European Gothic cathedrals adopted this technique as it made the building much stronger, rose windows, dome buildings, round towers, etc.)

Surgical instruments

Anesthesia

Windmill

Treatment of Cowpox

Fountain pen

Numbering system

Algebra/Trigonometry

Modern Cryptology

3 course meal (soup, meat/fish, fruit/nuts)

Crystal glasses

Carpets

Checks

Gardens used for beauty and meditation instead of for herbs and kitchen.

University

Optics

Music

Toothbrush

Hospitals

Bathing

Quilting

Mariner’s Compass

Soft drinks

Pendulum

Braille

Cosmetics

Plastic surgery

Calligraphy

Manufacturing of paper and cloth

It was a Muslim who realized that light ENTERS our eyes, unlike the Greeks who thought we EMITTED rays, and so invented a camera from this discovery.

It was a Muslim who first tried to FLY in 852, even though it is the Wright Brothers who have taken the credit.

It was a Muslim by the name of Jabir ibn Hayyan who was known as the founder of modern Chemistry. He transformed alchemy into chemistry. He invented: distillation, purification, oxidation, evaporation, and filtration. He also discovered sulfuric and nitric acid.

It is a Muslim, by the name of Al-Jazari who is known as the father of robotics.

It was a Muslim who was the architect for Henry V’s castle.

It was a Muslim who invented hollow needles to suck cataracts from eyes, a technique still used today.

It was a Muslim who actually discovered inoculation, not Jenner and Pasteur to treat cowpox. The West just brought it over from Turkey

It was Muslims who contributed much to mathematics like Algebra and Trigonometry, which was imported over to Europe 300 years later to Fibonnaci and the rest.

It was Muslims who discovered that the Earth was round 500 years before Galileo did.

The list goes on………..

Just imagine a world without Muslims. Now I think you probably meant, JUST IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT TERRORISTS. And then I would agree, the world would definitely be a better place without those pieces of filth. But to hold a whole group responsible for the actions of a few is ignorant and racist. No one would ever expect Christians or White people to be held responsible for the acts of Timothy McVeigh (Oklahoma bombing) or Anders Breivik (Norway killing), or the gun man that shot Congresswoman Giffords in head, wounded 12 and killed 6 people, and rightly so because they had nothing to do with those incidents! Just like the rest of the 1.5 billion Muslims have nothing to do with this incident!

Sources:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/how-islamic-inventors-changed-the-world-469452.html

http://articles.cnn.com/2010-01-29/world/muslim.inventions_1_hassani-inventions-muslim?_s=PM:WORLD

http://www.ummahedinburgh.co.uk/radio/files/Muslim-Invention-Article.pdf

[fabfeminista]

I couldn’t be happier to reblog this.

[littleplantgirl]

this is amazing.

[greekgodohair]

SLAMS DOWN REBLOG BUTTON

[firstoffletmesayi]

FOREVER GOT LOVE FOR THE MUSLIM HOMIES

[jayayyenneee-deactivated2019103]

instant reblog!!!!!!

[askerinho-deactivated20160308]

thanks guys

[battlelegendblue-deactivated202]

tru that

[grimmbros1214]

they couldn’t have just said “imagine a world without terrorism” they really had to go out there and be islamophobic

[saltyaro]

Do you know any good posts about amanormativity not in the world in general but specifically amanormativity inside LGBTQIA+ spaces?

Not on the top of my head, alas! I do have thoughts about it but it’s a sensitive topic, as queer romance doesn’t have the same status as straight romance, so it’s difficult to talk about. There *are* a lot of posts touching on the asexual community’s very strong amatonormativity, though! 

There’s “arophobia/aromisia in the ace community” for that (on my blog and a lot of others) but it’s pretty specific, and only addresses alloro aces, and doesn’t really discuss the matter with the LGBTQIA+ community at large.

[aro-neir-o]

The tags mentioned above are good places to look, yes! I have some other resources as well I quickly threw together.

Please peruse the following at your own risk. 

On a survey/research side, @nblmgalaxy conducted a survey about a-specs’ feelings about PDA (public displays of affection) in LGBTQ+ spaces, which you can read about HERE.

There’s also an academic paper on the intersection of amatonormativity and polyamory among African American men by Justin Clardy that you could check out HERE.

As for other posts, this is by no means an exhaustive list, but some good posts I’ve seen float around (on Tumblr and elsewhere) include:

Brief mention by the Everyday Feminism article about allyship HERE.

@aromagni made a post about amatonormativity in in-person queer spaces HERE.

@aro-soulmate-project​ talks a lot about amatonormativity in “soulmate” and fandom-related discourses. THIS POST about amatonormativity in soulmate AUs is a particularly good post. It’s notable that a huge part of shipping and fandom culture focuses on queer relationships so that is why I feel this is particularly relevant.

@arokeladry​ made THIS POST about how little the queer community talks about amatonormativity and in fact perpetuates it, because they simply aren’t ready to deconstruct societal norms relating to romance and relationships.

@queerascat has some good discussions on the “love is love” rhetoric HERE and HERE.

@schizotypal-scully (now inactive/deleted) made THIS POST about wlw relationships.

An observation by @beranyth (now inactive) HERE. Actually, most of their amatonormativity tag has good examples.

It is also [unfortunately] quite easy to find posts by aros derailed by amatonormativity-influenced folks. Many include things like “sex without love is horrible” or “we can still experience romantic love sometimes; we’re not inhuman” rhetoric.

[queereyegifs]

x

[japanesebonustrack]

“i can’t do simple hygiene bc im depressed” that’s easy babe! just do simple hygiene

[hundondestiny]

Y’all always have to wallow in your misery instead of considering maybe, just maybe, the encouragement people like this give is just telling people to do one, easy thing instead of worrying about a whole routine. Can’t make yourself shower? That’s fine, just brush your teeth. Don’t have the energy to do your hair? Okay, just brush your teeth.

Making 1 small change that can start improving your mood leads to other small changes. When I couldn’t make myself shower I would make sure I changed underwear every day. And then I started using baby wipes to keep myself fresh. And then I worked my way back to trying to take showers every day. My record might not be perfect but I’m getting better.

It’s really unhealthy to keep the mindset that anyone who isn’t miserable and suffering under their mental illness or emotional problems doesn’t know what they’re talking about. Maybe they’ve just grown to learn how to love and care for themselves in spite of what they’re going through.

[christiangothdotcom]

I don’t know what any of you people think professional help looks like, but when you walk in and say “i’m too depressed to do anything” they don’t just nod and say “well you’re broken forever i guess”. they don’t say “here take this pill and it’ll fix everything”. they work with you one step at a time and explain to you that you CAN in fact do simple things even though you’re depressed. it isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible, it just happens in small steps, but it isn’t getting any easier when you react to every instance of someone trying to help by refusing to listen.

[libertarirynn-deactivated202006]

The advice he gives is seriously so solid. A lot of times it’s hard to motivate yourself to do something because it seems too daunting to commit to a full routine, so doing one simple thing can help you get motivated for the next simple thing and so on and so forth. Other posters are right, therapists, at least the ones worth anything, don’t just throw pills at you and tell you you’re never going to improve oh well, they give you simple manageable tips to improve your situation.

[ghiraheeheeheem]

Recovery is about baby steps at a gentle pace, not using it as a crutch to never ever try to make your situation better. No one said recovery is easy, but it does take at least a smidgeon of willpower/effort on your part. You have to want it enough to be willing to try. I’m not saying you have to Just Do It and fix your life overnight but if you aren’t willing to try then no one can help you. 

[thatsaltysmallhuman-deactivated]

PRAISE THE LORD

[janiedean]

also clean your teeth because you’ll regret it sorely if you don’t and then your paychecks will disappear in your dentist’s account and you don’t want that

[snurtle]

All of this is good advice, and you know what? Beyond that???  A pretty significant chunk of people suffering with mental illnesses aren’t self motivated yet.

Hearing someone else encouraging you to do the thing- even one thing! Even a small thing! Can be the difference between taking that first step and continuing to suffer in the mire. Don’t be a crab pot. Don’t drag your siblings down for offering encouragement to others, or for using it to get better.