Hello Tumblr are you still there? Wow I can't even remember I wrote on here. Especially the last time I posted something that wasn't about weight loss. I used to heavily indulge in both Tumblr and Twitter for the wonderful benefits of anonymously shouting into the void of the world. Twitter doesn't work that way for me anymore because now people I actually know follow me on there. Tumblr has felt like this weird era that never quite ended. I still have notifications set on for some of my faves, people whose lives I've been keeping in touch with for years (I think you guys know who you are, but I don't want to tag in case people did not realize that I've been following their blogs since like 2011 in case that freaks them out). But I haven't been actively involved in ages. I miss it honestly.
Anyway, I'm going through some shit. Not big shit, especially not by today's standards. But some work shit. And I pour my heart into work so of course I've made it my whole identity. In very short, I've had a specific promotion waved in front of my face for almost a year now and I just had it violently jerked away and was essentially demoted (though they swear up and down that it isn't a demotion, but it is). Since the shutdowns began, I've been interacting with my boss and coworkers virtually and it has caused a lot of drama and really awful moments and I've butted head with my boss directly and I'm am partially sure that's why I haven't been promoted. But it's a lot of things. It's a big story, but not one I want to go into detail on here
Just know, it really sucks. I found out on Thursday and I kept saying that I was actually "content" with the news because I wanted less responsibility. I was FINE. And then I had a total breakdown tonight, so hey, I guess I wasn't fine. I guess I have invested so much of myself into this job that I let it define me so that a disappointment like this destroyed me.
I've been thinking a lot tonight about that. About "what's next?" which could include reporting my boss for the shit he's been doing to his staff for the last four months (just general horrible management and lack of care), or looking for a new job, or throwing a fit, or being petty and refusing to do the extra work I've been doing for the last four months because I thought I was getting promoted (might still do this), or throwing myself into the new position they did give (which hilariously is actually a position I will love, it's just a step down), or who knows.
And the problem with all those plans is that they only address my job. They don't address my life. The people who are important to me. The things I can cultivate. My mind, my body, my soul. The things that make me me. Things that aren't my career. It should be a lot, but it feels like all that stuff has turned into a small portion of my life and that's not okay. So yeah I'm really angry about what happened with work. It makes me feel like I can do less good in the world (though I know that's not true!) or like all my hard work was for nothing. And it wasn't okay. But I think I need it to be "not okay" in its own box. It belongs in the work box. And work isn't my permanent possession. It's the tool I'm using now to make money, using to make the world better, using it for work. It's not my life. That's so hard for some reason because I've worked so hard to get here and I'm in my dream profession. But it's not everything. It isn't my whole identity.
Okay, thanks for listening Tumblr. I might be back or I might ghost you again. If you're an old Tumblr friend, I'm on insta as @merspers and you can give me a follow. I think some of you I already follow. I also have a rarely used weight loss insta called @arunninglibrarian
