parents in the '80s often had no clue where their kids were, and the wheelers are a perfect caricature of this.
in s2 mike is with will and wearing the same clothing for several days in a row. did nobody think to bring him a change of clothes? if they couldn't force him to leave will's side, why did nobody at least take care of him? if not the overstressed joyce, why not his parents?
but mike doesn't complain. he tries to be there for will, bundles up and sleeps on the floor in his freezing room, tries to carry will and helps joyce walk during the massacre, and yet in all five seasons, he only ever receives comfort from an adult when he fully breaks down. mike is extremely competent in traumatic situations and believes his own emotions matter less than the pain of others... and nobody ever actually proves him wrong. they lean on him and expect him to behave like he's an adult, but punish him and otherwise interact with him like he's a child. mike seeks comfort from his mother, but never emotional openness. why is this?
caveat: ted is barely a presence in his own house, and that's all i really need to say. he does the bare minimum, so any moment he cares about anything people start glazing him for it. so, this post is not karen bashing or ted apologism — i just have much more to say about karen.
despite claiming to be a safe space karen never actually has a heart-to-heart with mike. yes, in s1 her attempt to open that door was inconvenient and impossible, which she couldn't know, and for years he's forced to keep a lot to himself, struggling without being able to say why.
but even if he couldn't talk about the supernatural stuff, his parents know his will "died" and returned, know mike harboured a fugitive (??), know will was in the hospital again in s2, know his best friend of a decade moved away, know eddie was a wanted "murderer" and then died, know max is in a coma, and he exhibited repeated cries for help, like uncharacteristic behavioural issues, slipping grades, a plagiarized essay when english is his favourite subject, and periods of self-isolating in the basement/his room pre-s2 and pre-s4... and yet, nothing.
mike is a middle child, often overlooked, and is the only son, which means emotional work is seen as less necessary. he's a boy, he can manage. yes, karen has three children, she is depressed and overworked and struggling badly as well, but that just contributes.
she tries to say that he can talk to her, but is she present? or checked out? obviously the latter, so the offer rings hollow when she just leaves the ball in his court for years on end. she never truly pushes him to talk even when he’s self-isolating and clearly depressed, and when the behavioural issues start she and ted punish him by taking his belongings and lecturing him instead of getting to the emotional root of the problem. even if he seemed to be shutting them out, it is their responsibility to nip this in the bud and help their child. instead, they punish him for being depressed.
obviously this is a very realistic style of parenting, even now but especially for the '80s, and i don’t expect them to be these super emotionally engaged parents (especially considering their marriage). but clearly neither does mike. so i just find it kind of funny when the fandom often frames him as ungrateful to karen, when he’s in fact a kid who’s been struggling with his mental health alone for four years and has gotten about… one or two offers to talk about it, zero follow through, and a side of punishment and lectures.
this extends to nancy and mike’s relationship. they too are quite uncommunicative, and even though she says she’s going to try to be a better sister to him, neither of them seem to actually follow through on that. now, like karen and mike, nancy is also struggling. in fact, her grief and survivors guilt go largely unacknowledged by everyone in her life. so i don't blame her — it is simply a fact that they don't actually have the sibling relationship that even they know they should try to have, especially after all they’ve been through.
the wheelers have a tendency to make promises and never follow through. i can see karen trying to be more engaged after will was rescued, but slowly falling off again as she slipped into worse depression. i think nancy and mike learned that, regardless of offers of safety and comfort, they need to shoulder their burdens alone, and have trouble trusting others with their pain — whether it's because they're not taken seriously, or because they don't feel they deserve to burden others. let's be depressed and isolated with mama!!
after mike saw will's dead body and was down in the basement, ted asked if he should talk to him, and karen said they should let him come to them. meanwhile, mike seemed to know his parents weren't gonna check on him, as he was fully comfortable having el out in the open while karen and ted were just upstairs. the next day, karen says "if you need anything, you call your father", which is a nice offer, but, again, nothing more than that.
they behave as if he is more mature than he is, capable of managing, when sometimes you just have to force that conversation to happen. but they don't. which is quite typical for a generation that needed a PSA to know where their children were every night. it’s always up to mike, his choice, but sometimes... it shouldn’t be. sometimes, after your twelve year old son sees his best friend's corpse, you shouldn't leave him in a basement alone. sometimes you need to be the adult, and not put the responsibility of making the mature decision to open up on a grieving child.
we notice later how karen says nancy can keep some old things from the attic (which nancy didn’t even express interest in), when before mike saying his toys had emotional value was seen as childish and he was told he shouldn’t have acted out if he didn’t want to lose his things. perhaps it's karen learning from her mistakes, but it doesn't come with increased communication, and is likely more an example of the difference between how boys and girls are raised. but perhaps it's both... a gesture to do right this time, even if it's fundamentally meaningless.
i don’t think they’re horrible, scummy people — nowhere near lonnie — but they don't have to be for us to acknowledge that they let their children down. they aren't perfect by any means and acting like either, even karen, is a model parent is completely unreasonable. they’re doing what they think is right... but that doesn’t MAKE it right.
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