space between

hi i'm lara. sometimes i write. usually i don't.

[asterasus]

you used to tell me out of the blue about your plan and what you’d do  this evening or tomorrow at this point i’m left alone to worry alone with a blank screen  and with my sorrow i should feel full of love but you turned me inside out  and i feel hollow thinking back to times you’d call me drunkenly just to hear my voice now that i toss and turn my good night texts unread at 2am it hurts swore to myself i’d never do this again no one’s supposed to feel so worthless or like a secret still i drop everything  at the mere mention of your name  and cling to anything i get i pick the crumbs off of the floor like a beggar from the rich man’s bread and savour every piece of it as if i don’t deserve more than this maybe tomorrow i’ll wake up to a message on my phone “oh sorry, i forgot” i wish i knew how to stop loving someone who only ever gets your hopes up and lets them drop repeatedly god’s sake, i wish i had some decency

16/07/19

[asterasus]

spotify playlist masterpost

(because i finally sorted out my library and organized everything neatly and just felt the need to share this life goal i guess)

downpour  (emotional songs for slow, stormy days)

moomin mood (moomin-inspired, soft songs for lying in a meadow, watching the clouds go by)

summer drives (feel good songs to sing along to when driving by the shore, windows down, sun slowly setting, just being in this very moment and enjoying life)

far from home (songs for exploring historic european cities on hot summer days, day drinking with old friends and reminiscing on past loves and memories) (inspired by my time in budapest)

bonnie on the side (bonnie & clyde-inspired, songs for pretending you’re in an old cops and robbers film, out on the run)

asari love (songs for roaming big cities late at night, getting lost in neon lights, feeling young and free and in love) (inspired by my time in east asia, particularly hongkong)

2am existential panic (songs that feel both comforting and understanding when you’re breaking down and wallowing in misery late at night)

melancholic winter commute (songs for when you’re feeling particularly poetic on early snowy mornings on the tram downtown, reminiscing on bittersweet memories)

halloween(ish) bops (just some songs that remind me of/make me excited for halloween)

dark academia dream life (songs for that particular the secret history-mood, reading classics in old libraries, joining elitists clubs, writing poetry, feeling pretentious)

let’s go get a slushie (heathers-inspired, obsessive teenage love, “what a cruel world, so let’s toss ourselves in the abyss”-type ambience)

ambedo (a kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details - songs for feeling otherworldly and ethereal)

morning coffee (it's 8am, you just got out the shower and the smell of freshly brewed coffee is wafting through your apartment - songs for making early mornings more bearable)

hometown blues (songs for all your depressing hometown visit needs)

summer overseas (lots of japanese/korean indie songs, for summers spent in asian small towns, taking walks by the ocean, feeling ghibli-esque)

rainy day instrumentals (lofi instrumental songs for getting a bit sad and lost in thought while watching the rain fall on gloomy days)

songs for parties you don’t wanna be at (for standing in the corner staring at your phone, thinking about all the things you’d rather be doing)

huge study playlist (lots of video game and lofi tracks, very personal and messy tho)

[asterasus]

Light rain pattering on the windows. Despite it - a ray of sunshine finding its way onto the sleeping figure on the bed, illuminating their skin in an otherworldly, golden glow. They’re stirring, waking. A sigh escaping their lips, softly, then stretching into a loud yawn. There’s no one around to hear it. There hasn’t been in quite some time.

but beauty still exists in solitude 

[asterasus]

I’m scared that I’ll never be able to love like this again. I’m not even sure if I want to. Maybe just knowing a love like ours existed is enough.

excerpts from a letter to my ex, 07/19

[asterasus]

i don't want anybody else lounging on my couch smoking out my window or staring in my eyes intently, while they are under me open-mouthed, astoundingly i don't want anybody else sleeping in my bed messing with my head toying with ideas of vacations in japan just you and me, unrealistically i don't want anybody else holding me in suspense kissing slowly down my neck relishing the feeling asking myself if i am dreaming otherworldly, beaming i don't want anybody else but you're long gone and writing this is useless

07/19

[asterasus]

i guess that i should leave my room but i just don't know what else to do except wallowing in misery it would be good for me the change of scenery instead of sitting here chainsmoking writing cheap poetry and trying not to suffocate under the weight of how your shape is missing from my bed and all the hurt and the regret and wishing that i could go back to when i didn't know you yet

19/07/19

[asterasus]

with you it's always either burning lava, the hottest kind or freezing ice, the coldest point on earth i wish we could find an in-between the equator with no seasons  a constant we can work with adjust to and build upon but realistically  even then there'd be catastrophes and we will never make it for you see last week we were a hurricane an earthquake and the aftermaths tsunami all at once i think no matter where or what we are we will destroy everything full force

27/06/19

[asterasus]

he said he’d ruin my birthday he was right, of course and i let him i thought things would change if there was someone next to me but he’s lying here asleep at 11 not exactly how i imagined 21 to be crying quietly in the bathroom holding my hand to the mirror whispering here’s to another year in a body i don’t want to be in not sure if i feel more trapped in this city or this apartment or this skin i wish i could feel valuable beyond physicality and convenience and catering to what people need from me  here’s to year 22 and making it to 23

29/06/19

[asterasus]

on days like this she is quiet, the city like me when the sun won't quite reach its peak over the top of the church's tower across the street and they all look tired, the strangers i meet as if everyone i walk by hit snooze one time too many and dragged themselves out of bed with only the bare minimum of time left to get ready i have nowhere to be the water from the fountain on the square by my apartment blends in nicely with the pouring rain a mix of gray on gray i'd almost like to watch and stay on days like this there are no tourists taking pictures by the monument whose history they don't understand just like the crushing weight of this place on all the other days when i'm left to wander by myself between historic buildings looming overhead wishing i was somewhere else these haunting structures were built to be admired in the fog on early mornings and reflected in rain puddles it feels somber, yet serene and i feel light on days like this there's nowhere else i'd rather be

vienna, 05/19

[asterasus]

he is beautiful beyond belief and always has me begging on my knees for the slightest chance of him showing up outside my door at 1a.m. when he’s been drinking because then he doesn’t have to think about responsibilities and feelings and if he really wants any of it it’s a fine line between utter frustration and suspense when it just keeps dragging on same time and same location unsure which direction this is heading in yet going strong with full velocity into the great unknown infinity is a wild concept we talked about its unfathomability, tipsily and about how our brains just decide to stop working at the mere mention kind of like they do when it comes to making sense of who we are not as in who am i and who are you but really who are we, us two? i’m here facing yet another week where he won’t spare the time to see me and all this tension leaves me drained and withered on the bedroom floor by noon on Tuesday it’s ironic because i know that’s exactly where he’d like me to be if he ever made it here but even on my own i feel as if my hands are tied behind my back the phantom touch of his fingers around my neck

05/19

[asterasus]

they said ‘you two seem like soulmates’ i said a soulmate’s just a concept and i don’t believe in that for my soul is my own it doesn’t need a complimentary piece to make it whole or complete there’s no such thing as wholly compatibility because judging by experience in the end it’s always just going to be me i can’t let my happiness depend on someone else i have to learn how to be my own best friend

05/19

[asterasus]

you said our timing wasn’t right but our timing was perfect, in hindsight. without even having to calculate when the pizza would arrive you’d always come a minute before the delivery guy

05/19

[asterasus]

i don’t know how i like you so much yet still sleep better with my scars left untouched and the other bedside warmed up by my laptop instead of your body heat i wish i could feel complete  when i hear you breathing next to me, evenly but it doesn’t quite calm me  like the white noise on the tv that’s been running for 3 hours consecutively you’re so beautiful it’s unreal but i can’t see it in the dark and you could be anyone and sometimes it scares me my plush shark is safer company because i don’t have to wonder what he’s thinking  he’s just there for my weary head to sink in when i’m too tired to worry about what i look like or if my make-up is smudged or if he’ll soon get bored of my touch i know he won’t steal my blanket like you do and he won’t want to sleep with an open window when it’s freezing too you claimed your side of the bed immediately  and i never mentioned how that’s where i’d prefer to be but i guess it’s not important in the grand scheme of things i figure that it all feels rather insignificant  considering my first and foremost thought is always just that i like you so, so much you’re worth all the hassle no matter the cost

05/19

[asterasus]

raindrops on my window shining in the moonlight i get too invested i know that it's not right trying not to think about it wasting all of my time staring at a blurry screen playing games from when i was young and life was sublime i really wish i wouldn't care like this but i have come to realize i always do  i think i always did even back in the day late afternoons in july no school, no stress, sun still high in the sky calling my dad to ask advice on which button combination is right when i'm lost and confused during an end fight in my file of ocarina of time and i was fine and now i'm not and those memories just cling to me like snot to my sleeves when i was sobbing as a child  with no tissues in sight but maybe i romanticize as you do, in your mind maybe i'm being too kind  to myself but i'll just go on and pretend because it's nicer than admitting  i was escaping back then too by now i've gotten good at that thanks to all the practice that i had my mind lost in all these soundtracks swaying in nostalgia but i wonder if it's worth the cost won't help me come to terms with reality the misery their interchangeability just a little taste of happiness and innocence pretence how can the sound of pressing buttons on an old yellow controller make you cry, i wonder with an amass of tissues on the floor now and fluorescent light surrounding me thinking is this all i'll ever be?

11/17

[asterasus]

to myself: i’m sorry that every time i look into a mirror i want to smash it in right where my face is i know i don’t deserve this i’m sorry that i feel like i’ll offend strangers on the train with my appearance my mere existence to the point  they want to bleach their eyes out but these thoughts are just too loud i’m sorry that i always worry and take 3 hours to get ready double-checking every spot and every angle until i have to drag myself to work still stressing and obsessing i know it hurts but i only have this body just the one be strong

04/19