Ilya has a lot of shame around aftercare. These days, now that Shane is his boyfriend and he can admit how much he loves him, aftercare is one of his favourite parts of sex.
He loves bringing Shane a warm towel, helping him wipe down. He loves massaging soap on Shane’s sore, but relaxed muscles in the shower. He loves bringing Shane a snack and feeding him by hand. He loves how boneless Shane goes, how snuggly and warm and carefree.
But he can never shake the feeling of deep regret after each time. He remembers how, for years, he did not do this for Shane. He would let himself indulge just as much as he dared, laying in bed together for a couple minutes, sometimes showering together (but that always ended in shower sex), throwing a towel or clothes at Shane.
The first time he tried to provide the type of aftercare he wanted, was the day Shane left him for Rose Landry. Shane insists he didn't 'leave him for Rose Landry' because A. they weren't together and B. he met Rose weeks later. But since Ilya was the one that got left, he feels entitled to call it how he wanted to.
"I'm sorry," Ilya apologized one day, running his hand through a pliant Shane's hair.
"For what?" Shane mumbled.
"For not doing this," Ilya said. "For so many years. For just kicking you out."
Shane sighed and propped himself up on his elbows. "Ilya."
"What?"
"You never just 'kicked me out,'" Shane scrunched up his nose. Adorable. "If you had tried to do this at first, I probably would have freaked out."
"You did freak out," Ilya sulked.
"I did," Shane smiled and leaned up to kiss him. "I love this, you know? I love that you take such good care of me afterwards."
Ilya felt warmth spread inside his chest. "I'm glad."
"But," Shane caught his eye. "I didn't need it. You always took care of me, maybe just not this much. But I never felt, I mean, almost never felt bad afterwards, except, you know."
Vegas. They had talked about that, extensively.
"But, Ilya," Shane continued, cupping his face in his hand. "I don't think that I need this as much as you do."
Ilya considered this for a moment. It was true - this settled Ilya, it convinced him that he did well, he took care of Shane, and made him happy. He didn't hurt him.
"You don't need this?"
"I do," Shane said. "But so do you. So if you're sorry about not doing it, so am I."
"But, I am..."
"You're what?" Shane challenged.
"You're right," Ilya conceded and gently pushed him back down. "Then let's both make up for lost time, yes?"
I think that later in his career, rookies start chirping Ilya about being old and it just…doesn’t bother him. At all. In fact, it makes him smile. A genuine smile akin to when Shane told him he got a stylist. Scott is endlessly frustrated that it doesn’t get under his skin. Hayden assumes that it does and Ilya just hides it well
Shane asks Ilya about it a few times before Ilya stops responding with jokes and admits the truth: There was a time he didn’t think he’d make it to his twenties. There was a time he didn’t think he’d make it past them. How could he be upset about his age when each year is another his mother didn’t get to see?
He's so happy once he passes it, but the year leading up to and the year he is the same age as his mom are rough. He's scared and angry and grieving. He feels so fucking young. She was so fucking young. It isn't fucking fair. And every day that he wakes up and doesn't feel like sunshine is catastrophic. He looks at Shane asleep beside him, at Anya curled up at the foot of the bed between them and he fucking bawls his eyes out because what if it isn't enough what if he leaves them what if he isn't strong enough to stay? Shane is so supportive and Galina is very clear that Ilya can call her, makes sure he has resources. But sometimes Ilya feels buried under the weight of a stupid fucking number and what it means for him to surpass it, how it feels like another little death to know his mother never did.
Hi I have a question about hockey culture. I've noticed that there is a lot of talk about goalies being considered a bit different than the other players.
I know there is some rules that set them apart like the fact that only a goalie can fight another goalie but I've also seen people reference goalies as tending to be a bit "weird" or being sheltered by the rest of the team in some cases.
I don't know if I am making any sense here but I wanted to ask you what's the deal with that
hi anon!!
well yes, goalies are jokingly referred to as weird and strange because to be honest....they kind of are lol. so to really understand this, you need to understand the nature of a goalie and put yourself in their shoes/skates.
hockey is a team sport, right? for the forwards and goalies, all 60 minutes of the game you're either on the ice with your linemates (for a forward) or your defense partner (for a defenseman) or the bench with your coach and other players. you're constantly talking to them! the plays you make are plays you make together as a unit.
a goalie is...different. a goalie is just one guy, one net, two goal posts that hopefully like you and are on your side as a puck flies at you full speed.
goalie are like, basically this guy who stands/crouches/sprawls out in front of a net for a whole 60 minutes and waits and waits and crucially has to be mentally focused while you hope its just you. as a goalie, you're hoping you don't have to see your teammates (because if you're seeing your teammates its because the play is in your end and close to your net).
so yeah. goalies are built different. its a higher pressure position and there's no hiding behind someone else. of course, there's other factors but ultimately if a puck goes in its on you, baby! yeah, your forward or defenseman may really have fucked up and sometimes it is bad enough that everyone's like alright fine, thats not on him. but MOST of the time, you're expected to make every save possible. and then you're expected to make impossible saves too, because why not. basically if a goal happens, what happened is that "puck went in net" and you are meant to stop "puck go in net."
and once you've fucked up, once a goal has gone in, you need to now lock back in and stop the next one.
you're the last line of defense. build yourself back up.
but even beyond outside pressures, this is literally a Guy on a Team Sport who plays what is essentially a one of one position. during practice, while the entire team runs full drills, you're running just goalie drills. you have company in that you a backup goalie + a goalie coach during practice but in game, your backup is on ice during games with you when you've really fucked up.
goalies are known for doing weird shit. they have weird superstitions and weird...quirks. they're weird little guys who talk to their posts.
so...i hope that answers why goalies are considered weird? they're just odd little guys. they kind of have to be, in order to be goalies. like...what kind of guy does it take literally voluntarily be stopping pucks with your HEAD sometimes?
now, for the "why does the rest of the team treat them like precious baby girl princesses?"
well. its because they lowkey are lmao. if you're a good team with a smart GM, you have two goalies both along the scale of amazing-good (starting goalie and back up). if you're most teams, you have one guy who is on the scale of amazing to good and then a guy whos adequate (your starting goalie is good, your backup is adequate).
so...best case there's only two guys who can play this position on your roster and most cases you have one. and if he gets hurt...you're in trouble. (as svetlana said, its hard to go far with an injured goalie!).
a team is not likely to win a cup based off an insanely good goalie. but they can absolutely lose based on a bad one.
this guy, who is so treasured, is also the guy in net. which is you know, the place that other players skate FULL SPEED at, the place where other plays dig at to try to find a puck if the play hasn't stopped. goalies are constantly getting poked with sticks, getting run over, getting obstructed. any team worth paying attention to usually has guys who's job is "screening the goalie" aka blocking the goalie's sightline with their massive asses.
teams are protective of their goalies because they're precious and literally the key to stopping the other team from putting pucks into the net and keeping pucks out of yours. aka scoring goals and saving goals. and to win a game a team needs, to quote shane hollander "score more fucking goals than the other team."
so usually if you touch a goalie, there's hell to pay.
if you talk shit and annoy a goalie, you're getting pushed and shoved.
if you poke at a goalie too long, you're getting pushed and shoved.
if you snow a goalie, you're getting pushed and shoved.
if you shoot a puck late at a goalie, you're getting pushed and shoved.
if a goalie throws a punch at you because they're upset you're too close to them or skated through their crease, or ran into them or looked at them wrong or they're a pissbaby, you're getting your shit rocked (this is kind of hilarious bc goalies will absolutely sometimes be little shits, initiate something and then watch as their teammates fight in their honour).
(it's actually very cute how protective guys are. and there's a special relationship between defensemen and goalies that i find insanely sweet. defensemen are usually the second last line of, uh, defense ahead of the goalies. they're supposed to be closest to the net so they communicate most with the goalies. and also are usually the first to come and beat someone up if the goalie is touched lol).
also don't get me wrong. most goalies are mean and tough and WILL fight a guy if they're mad about something. but another guy from their team will usually get there first.
so yes. sorry for this long answer but i hope this all adds up!
As a married person I do need to tell you all that Shane and Ilya do weird shit all the time.
They routinely have entire conversations where Ilya is very softly smacking Shane's foot the entire time. Shane enjoys the percussive feedback.
Ilya mispronounces the word "Application" and they just sit there mutually whispering 'Aaap-li-caaa-shun' at each other for the next thirty seconds.
Ilya comes up behind Shane while he's trying to make a smoothie and says 'HELPING HANDS' and puts his arms under Shane's armpits.
Ilya sees Shane undressing in the bathroom and yells, "Take it all off!"
Shane carries Anya into the bedroom and holds her over Ilya's chest and moves her paws and says, "Papa it is me. Papa it has been an whole hour since I ate. Papa I am so hungry and sad." then drops her on his stomach.
Shane comes into the home office and grabs a pen off the desk and puts it against Ilya's cheek and says, "Any last words?" and Ilya says, "I wish I had eaten more dumplings."
Ilya spends an entire episode of House Hunters International with his hand down Shane's pants. It's not doing anything in there either it's just keeping warm.
Sometimes they are just mutually awake at three AM for No Reason and they go stand on the porch and stare at the empty street together.
Sometimes they are laying there playing footsie on the couch while on their phones (Parallel play) and Shane says, "Does your mouth ever do that squeezing thing. You know. When you eat." And Ilya says "Explain" and they spend the next ten minutes dissecting whether this is a Human Experience or a Shane Experience.
Sometimes Ilya will put his head on Shane's stomach and say, "Show me your boooones" and wait for Shane to lift his shirt so he can burrow under it.
I just think that we as a fandom need to embrace how Weird married people get about each other. From personal experience I am telling you it is SO FUN.
hi everyone! i originally typed this up in response to an ask, but it ended up being so ridiculously long i had to make a separate post.
in case this reaches people outside of the heated rivalry fandom, i want to say that this list is first and foremost intended as an assist for fic writers and hollanov fans who are looking to make their writing more culturally/linguistically accurate for ilya. this will be tagged with hr fandom tags to reach that audience specifically.
disclaimer: although i am half-russian, a native russian speaker who grew up in russia and have a degree in both russian and english linguistics, please keep in mind that this is MY linguistic experience and MY linguistic interpretation of the words in this list. this is not in any way intended to be serious academic analysis. other natives might disagree on the semantics and use of the words featured, but if this happens to be the case, i ask you to express your disagreement kindly and respectfully so that we can have a civil discussion. additionally, i do not care about the dictionary and what academic linguistic spaces have to say. i am a linguist that firmly rejects the rigidity of language and base my interpretation on active, living use from speakers of various ages and from various russian-speaking regions. i do not care what is correct, i care about how people actually speak.
apologies if the notes on certain words are a bit scattered, this took me forever. anyone is free to ask further questions in the comments.
the words featured are in russian alphabetical order. there will be transliterations, but no phonetic transcriptions because i find people don’t care much for those.
булочка (bulochka) = little bun/pastry. used to express how cute/adorable someone is. ex: ‘он такая булочка!’ (on takaya bulochka) = 'he’s such a little bun!' sometimes used in conjunction with the adjective 'сладкая' (sladkaya), which is fem. for sweet. this might just be my impression, but i feel like this word is used online more often than in real life, although i have heard some people refer to their partners as such. not strictly romantic, can be used by friends or family.
бусинка (businka) = little bead (?). this one is hard to give a literal translation for. etymologically, it is the affectionate form of the word 'бусина' (busina), which refers to an individual bead on a necklace (usually pearl necklace). semantically, this word is used to refer to someone who is sweet/cute/adorable. because of its association with jewellery, it can also imply that the person you are describing is precious in some way. possibly applicable to romantic partners, but i have mostly heard this used by women to refer to young women (daughter, sister, relative).
дорогой (dorogoy) = dear/darling. pretty self explanatory. the other meaning of this word is ‘expensive’, which creates the additional connotation that the person you are using it on is very important/precious to you. mostly used between romantic partners, but there are contextually determined exceptions that i don’t feel the need to get into here.
детка (detka) = baby. regarded as the direct translation of the english word. this is how it’s translated in song lyrics, for example. has a slightly sexual connotation. mostly used in a playful/unserious manner. usually only applicable to women, but because this word is not often used seriously in romantic relationships, i will not examine the social implications of that lol.
душа моя (dusha moya) = my soul. note that the first-person possessive pronoun comes after the noun. doing the reverse is not grammatically incorrect, but i find this sounds more natural. honestly this is more than a little old-fashioned, and an expression you might hear in period pieces, but i find it so beautiful and romantic that I decided to include it. not exclusively romantic, like most russian petnames. possible to hear from family or a very close friend, but romantic use is more common in this case, i’d say.
драгоценный (dragotsennyi) = precious. etymologically refers to jewels and metals. rarely used on its own, usually with a first-person possessive pronoun (moy). in this case, i would place it before, though, because it is an adjective. also more than a little old-fashioned, but i, personally, like to use it when i’m trying to play up how important someone is to me. i perceive this word as exclusively romantic.
ёжик (yozhik) = little hedgehog. my childhood nickname. there are multiple animal-derived petnames in russian, and they are often attributed based on a person’s similarities to a given animal. used commonly by family, friends and romantic partners alike. i’m including this one because i think it suits shane beautifully.
золотой (zolotoy) = golden/precious. 'золото' (zoloto) is gold, therefore 'zolotoy' is, effectively ‘made of gold’. a more serviceable translation would be ‘precious’. the semantic use in this case is the same as in english. i wouldn’t say this word is exactly old-fashioned, but i’ve mostly heard this being used as a term of endearment from older women towards children. it is still possible to encounter in romantic contexts. i don’t think this is used much amongst young people nowadays, but i really like it, so here, it’s included.
золотце (zolotse) = little golden/precious one. basically the noun form of the previous word. i mostly hear this used to refer to children, but there are other possibilities, and i personally think it can be turned romantic.
зай/зая/зайка/зайчик (zay/zaya/zayka/zaychik) = bunny/little bunny. all of these are variations of the same word, with 'zay' and 'zaya' being shortened forms. one of the most common petnames in use. both platonic (among friends) and romantic. i’d also like to add that 'zay' and 'zaya' are platonic terms of endearment primarily used by women to refer to other women. because of that, sometimes the words ‘zay’ and ‘zaya’ are looked down upon, but i hear it so often i find it important to affirm that there’s nothing wrong with them at all, and dismissing them is a product of misogyny. men also use these words, but only to refer to a romantic interest.
зайчонок (zaichonok) = little bunny. just another common form of the previous word. this one is more strictly romantic, in my opinion.
котёнок (kotenok) = little kitten. exclusively romantic. i don’t know if everyone would agree on this, but because this is one of the most common petnames used in romantic relationships, i feel like it immediately implies a desire/expectation for romantic commitment. when i see this being used by ilya in hollanov fanfic im always like huh he’s so in love isn’t he…
крольчонок (krol’chonok) = little bunny. just a variation. comes from the word 'кролик' (krolik), which is rabbit, rather than bunny. i get the impression this one is a lot more rare than 'zaychik' and its variants.
крошка/кроха (kroshka/kroha) = baby/little one. i hear this mostly in straight relationships which is why it kinda gives me a bad vibe, but i decided to include it just for the sake of it. 'kroshka' can come across as cringe, especially to younger people, so i wouldn’t personally recommend to use this. just know it exists.
любимый (lyubimy) = beloved. i am immensely satisfied whenever i see this used for hollanov, because it is by far the best word for romantic partners. not only is it beautiful, but it also implies deep commitment to the person you’re saying it to. very very common in use. i would say it’s a bit strange to use this word for pre-relationship hollanov, because you will likely only say it when you’re officially a couple. even if you’re trying to show that ilya is already gone for shane, this word is so intimate i would advise to pick a different petname for such scenarios.
лапочка/лапушка/лапуля (lapochka/lapushka/lapulya) = doesn’t have a literal translation, but the closest thing is sweethear or cutie. refers to someone who is sweet/cute/adorable/pretty/charming. i use this word a lot when trying to express that i find someone to be charming or endearing. semantically, this word is most comparable to the use of ‘cutie’ in english.
любовь моя (lyubov’ moya) = my love. comes across as a little dramatic, but i think it would work well for ilya specifically. sounds best with the first-person possessive pronoun following the noun.
милый (milyi) = sweetheart. used interchangeably with darling (дорогой) and beloved (любимый).
малыш (malysh) = baby. unlike 'detka', this is actually commonly used in romantic relationships. i mostly hear this amongst younger people, therefore some might say it has a childish connotation (like a word used exclusively in teenage relationships), but i don’t necessarily agree. it’s also gender neutral.
маленький (malen’kyi) = little one. works best with possessive pronouns, in both positions. i hear this used most often when trying to offer comfort to a partner, like after a long day, for example. can also be used to refer to a child.
мышонок (myshonok) = little mouse.
нежный (nezhnyi) = soft/gentle one. works best with possessive pronouns, but nowadays, people also use it as a stand-alone compliment. because of this semantic shift, it can also mean things like beautiful, gorgeous, etc. in this context, can be used platonically. for example, one of my best friends calls me ‘нежная конфетка’ (nezhnaya konfetka), which is soft/gentle/pretty little candy. now, normally, this wouldn’t work, but with the current semantic shift, it does. in romantic contexts, i find it to be very intimate. describes your partner as someone infinitely tender.
пупсик (pupsik) = little one/baby. oof this one is hard to explain. the word ‘пупс’ (pups) usually refers to newborn baby dolls (im sorry, i have no idea what they’re called in english), but can also designate an actual living baby. 'pupsik' is the affectionate form of said word. i would say that semantically, this describes someone who is either adorable like a baby, or pretty like a doll, or both. sometimes used in romantic relationships, but i’ve heard many people find it embarrassing. personally, i find the word can be playful, and often use it when talking about someone i am attracted to. because the grammatical gender of the word is masculine, i mostly use it towards men, but it’s not impossible to use it to refer to a woman.
рыбка (rybka) = little fish. a little old-fashioned, i mostly hear this from older women towards children. one of my grandmothers used to call me this, often with a possessive pronoun (рыбка моя = my little fish).
радость моя (radost’ moya) = my joy. some natives might say this is old-fashioned and overly dramatic and to be fair, it is, but i actually don’t care. it works well to express when you feel deeply committed and attached to someone. not exclusively romantic, can be used by family and very close friends.
родной (rodnoy) = my blood/my home/my own. this really doesn’t have an english equivalent, unfortunately, so the best thing to do would be to explain it semantically. this word designates someone you feel such kinship and closeness with they’ve become part of you — your blood, your family, someone that your heart calls to. this can be used for family, but the meaning is especially powerful when referring to friends or a romantic partner — by using this word, you’re indicating to the person that they’re an incredibly important part of you and you are intrinsically linked. kind of like soulmates? fairly common in use, especially in committed romantic relationships.
сладкий (sladkiy) = sweet/sweetheart. i mentioned this adjective at the beginning of the list, but it can also function as a stand-alone petname, both with and without possessive pronouns. has slightly flirtatious undertones and refers to someone you find deeply attractive.
солнце/солнышко (solntse/solnyshko) = sun/little sun. one of the most common petnames in use, with ‘solnyshko’ being the affectionate form of ‘solntse’. can be used by anyone: friends, family, romantic partners. i use ‘solntse’ or ‘solnyshko’ to refer to almost all of my close friends, it’s a pretty general term of endearment. because ‘solntse’ doesn’t necessarily imply romantic commitment, like ‘lyubimyi’ does, for instance, i think this is the best petname to use for early hollanov. some people might disagree, but this is just how i see it. ‘solnyshko’ is a little more emotionally intimate, and also often used by mothers to refer to their children.
умница/умничка (umnitsa/umnichka) = smart one. very common in use, but very hard to translate/adapt into english. you would usually say this to a patner/friend/family member after they’ve successfully accomplished a task or after a day of hard work. something like ‘good job’, but expressed in a single word.
мой хороший (moy horoshyi) = my good one/my darling. very general term of endearment. can be used without the possessive pronoun when talking about someone who isn’t present or when giving a compliment (to a celebrity, for example). honestly, it can mean anything: pretty, attractive, smart, charming, etc. really depends on the context and who you’re talking to/about. in romantic contexts, i often hear this used with the interjection ‘ути’ (ooti), which is kind of like the english ‘aww’. can be used to comfort.
чудо (chudo) = miracle. works best with possessive pronouns or in sentences like ‘ты моё чудо’ (ty moe chudo = you’re my miracle). doesn’t have to be exclusively romantic, can be used to express gratitude similarly to how we use ‘you’re an angel’ in english. in romantic contexts, i find it can be very intimate.
there you go! this list is not exhaustive by far, i simply included words that i have heard used around me or words that i personally use.
i love how fucking weird shane’s parents were actually. i love that they’re shocked about shane and ilya but they’re almost more shocked that shane managed to shock them at all. i love that they adore their perfect golden boy so much that they don’t even realize he needs any reassurance. i love that they’re clearly not used to having difficult conversations. i love that shane crying freaks them out. i love that yuna still has no idea how much pressure shane is under. i love that they think they know him so well, and they do, but it’s not enough. i love shane’s hesitance about telling them and his abject terror at being found out, and i love that he was pretty damn justified
Honestly? Honestly the idea of Ilya Rozanov sitting himself down at twelve years old and saying I have GOT to get out of this country. It killed my mother. It's going to kill me. And then growing up a little bit and realizing some Things about himself and saying I have GOT to get out of this country. I have tried and tried and for some reason people keep Knowing What I Am. Ilya, young bisexual man with an apparently pretty clocky affect to his speaking voice. A strong young man with a natural and lovely flamboyance in him, a sweetness he tries to smother and the ability to play hockey like it was bestowed upon him by GOD. I've GOT to get out of here, he thinks to himself. And then he leaves (but not really) does some more growing up and he falls in love only he can't let himself be in love because the lead weight of this country is still tied to him and he thinks I have GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. Then his father dies and the man he loves says "Come with me" and Ilya says I am NEVER going back!! I will wear my mother's cross and I will think of her every day and she will forgive me for never visiting her grave because her beautiful boy got OUT. I will go to a place where I am loved by a man A MAN who I love more than I ever thought I was allowed. Who holds my face and my hands and my heart. I will find a home for myself in his arms. I will never go fucking back.
I loved this parallel, it's one of my favorite moments in the finale. Like, they're still those kids! They still want each other that badly! But things are so different now - now they're together in the daylight, in their own homes, not embarrassed at how much they want to be together. They know each other now. It's the same as it's always been, but so much better.
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