This Needle in the Sky

Graduated college in May. Trying to figure out how to not screw up my entire life. Welcome to the journey. Well, as much of it as I'm comfortable sharing with strangers.

[sublimepolicebeard-blog]

[megabiposts]

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[atolia]

It's like, on one hand, I definitely want someone to hang out with and kiss and to hold my hand, but on the other hand, I'm so much of a commitment phobe that I don't want you to call me because then you might want to date me.

[atolia]

I Am An Idiot

So, I’ve managed to dig myself into a hole. It’s been four months since I moved out of my apartment in Virginia. Stupidly, I forgot to leave a forwarding address for my landlord to send me my security deposit. In all the hustle of moving out, moving into my parent’s and finding myself a job, I had forgotten all about it. About a month ago, my mom asked me about it and I realized what an idiot I had been. Embarrassed, I told her that I had already gotten it back. Which was also dumb, because she works at a bank and could literally just check my account and see that I hadn’t. Now, I have to call my landlord and see if he’ll still send my security deposit back to me.

That doesn’t sound like a big deal, except that I have a huge anxiety about talking to people over the phone. Which is also dumb, I know. It used to be really bad when I was little. Back then, I was so afraid of talking to people in person, and of new situations and of making a fool of myself when i talked to people. I’ve had to get over my fear of talking to people in person and facing new situations because of university and because of my new job. I really should get over my phobia of talking to people over the phone too, but it’s always difficult to think about. I start freaking out because I think I’ll say something stupid, or that the person on the other side will laugh at me. I literally try to avoid it at all costs. For work, I email people if I can, instead of calling them. When I had an accident, I found out that I could just print the accident report instead of having to call the police and so I did that. For this situation, I tried texting my old landlord. But he’s never really been big on texting and usually when you call him, you have to leave a message and wait for him to call back. So, it seems like texting isn’t going to work, and I have to suck it up and actually call him. And it has to be soon, because my mom is angry with my landlord for not giving me my money back, when it’s entirely possible that he hasn’t gotten my messages.

I feel stupid and foolish, and I’m hoping that this conversation will be quick and painless, because I feel like my phobia is going to get worse if the situation goes badly. I’ve been in much more difficult situations and I’ve accomplished so much even in these past four months that I feel like an idiot for being afraid of something as simple as talking on the phone. I hope that by writing it down, by confessing to my feelings, this will help me get over the anxiety and actually make the phone call, because lying to mom is not getting me anywhere. I know that people will say that I should just talk to my mom and tell her the truth, but I know that my parents aren’t very sensitive to anxieties. They’ll tell me to get over it and tell me that it’s a part of growing up, and that will destroy me. Wish me luck for this upcoming week.

[marci1900]

[atolia]

A Time For Nostalgia

Today was the first day of classes at Virginia Tech. I didn’t even remember, except that my friends that are still in school started posting their “first day of classes” statuses on Facebook. It’s a little weird to think about. This time last year, I was one of those people, posting a status and going back to school. It was the most normal, predictable thing in the world.

Now, I have a week left before I start my new job. A lot has changed in the past year. I have different relationships with my friends. Some of those relationships are better, and some are worse. Some, I doubt will survive the distance at all.

When I started college four years ago, I thought I could see down the path I was on. I thought that I would spend four years taking classes and making friends. I thought I would have a boyfriend, or maybe just a few casual relationships. I would graduate, go off to vet school and work in a clinic from there. Nothing has turned out the way that I thought. I took classes, but did no where near well enough to get into vet school, I made a lot of good friends, found lab work, graduated and somehow managed to find a job that had absolutely nothing to do with what I thought I wanted.

I even thought, back then, that I knew myself thoroughly, that I wouldn’t change much. But those experiences though college, I learned to let go, to accept that which I cannot change, to accept that my loved ones won’t always take my advice or accept my help. I’m nervous for my first day at work. I don’t really know too much about the details of my upcoming job. But I want to keep an open mind and I’m excited to find out more details. I wonder exactly how much I’ll change between now and next year. The possibilities are endless, and the future so open to possibilities. I’m scared, but ready for the adventure.

Atolia

[atolia]

The First One Back

The last few weeks have been busy, busy, busy. I’ve moved out of my college apartment, back home with my parents and I’ve found a job. The job is field work, not lab work like I’m looking for, so I’m a little nervous to try it out. I’m not sure that it’s a fit for me, and whether or not I’ll like it. On paper it works pretty well. It has great benefits, good pay, I’ve worked outside for labor before, and it’s only a thirteen month appointment, which means that I can go back to grad school when the appointment is over. I’m determined to give it a fair shot.

Meanwhile, I’ve been focusing on my body and my environment now that I’m no longer spending my day on job searches. I’ve been able to eat better, drink tea before bed every night and trying new spaces. I’ve been trying recipes with ingredients I don’t usually use and looking into aromatherapy. It would be pretty cool to be able to get a few essential oils and a diffuser to try out. I’ve come up with a strength training program that I’m going to try starting next week.

Overall, I’m at a high point in my life right now. I’m excited to start the new job and hopefully it will be a good fit for me. I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

Sincerely,

Atolia

Pictured Above: Roasted Red Pepper Soup with Tahini Sauce

[marci1900]

[dream-house-inspiration]

Requsted by: comeongetlost

[marci1900]

[atolia]

Found this little guy on a walk!

[vegan-yums]

Portobello Mushroom Bacon Sliders with Sriracha Mayo / Recipe

[atolia]

Food

[atolia]

Today is the last day at the lab. I'm really going to miss this place. Technically, that means that starting tomorrow, I am unemployed. Not looking forward to that. I hope one of the jobs I recently applied for comes through...

[atolia]

#100HappyDays Day 8: I made a crochet owl for my friend. He's been awesome helping me move and breaking down my furniture.

[twofangirlswalkintoabar]

[atolia]

First day of my last week at work. I'm really gonna miss this place.

[atolia]

And so it’s coming to a close. This is the last day of my last weekend in Virginia. I’m writing this post from the floor of my room, because I packed my desk away into my car yesterday. So many things have happened this weekend that have reminded me of the good friends that I have here. My neighbor broke my desk down for me, so I could pack up another room in the meantime. He offered to help me with my bed when I leave too. I got to hang out with a good friend while she was in town and play ridiculous board games with a group of people I really like. My roommate reminded me today of how much I can trust him, even if it wasn’t really his intention.

There are so many people here that I’ll miss fiercely. And though I’m gaining some old friends when I move back home, they will never replace the people that I’ve left here. But hanging out with these people this weekend has been freeing. It has reminded me that these are the people that have stayed my friends for four years, even if our lives have completely diverged. And just because there are a few more changes coming in the upcoming week, it doesn’t mean that we’re going to fall apart easily. Especially if we put the effort in.

This weekend has given me confidence and closure in my time here when it comes to friendship. It has reminded me of how much I love my friends, and has opened my eyes to some people I didn’t realize I was so close to. I’m still open on the job front, and I’m freaking out a little that I’ll officially be unemployed come Thursday, but there is some confidence in me that everything will work itself out. I really hope that feeling isn’t unwarrented.

Atolia

[atolia]

Countdown

Last Friday in Virginia. The start of my last weekend in Blacksburg. So much to do. And I don't want to miss seeing people in person while I still can.