otter

[francisforever2014]

CENTRAL TENETS:

i loved hearing about your boyfriend. notice how no one has ever said this to u

i’m so happy for you and your ugly fucking boyfriend i’m serious

‘my friends boyfriend’ is the lowest form of vertebrate life

[tiktoksijustthinkareneat]

[ribs02]

YALL WAKE UP

[kragehund-est]

dont piss me off. next time you go on a trip im filling your house with galapagos finches. by the time you return, they've evolved to fill your niche. they're a better spouse to your partner. they're a better parent for your child. and? they're a better friend to me than you ever were.

[feralratbitesu]

me desperately clinging to my favorite stuffed animal while my parents argue loudly in their room: itsprobably my fault

my cat speaking telepathically: thats not true! your parents hated each other long before you were born this was inevitable

me: oh...

the spectre that hanuts my livingroom:

[yesssmate]

breaking bad would be a better show if walter white had no friction n like jesse just pushes him n he just slides around

[kaijuno]

[thesituation]

[hjartasalt]

Not now kitten daddy's googling his symptoms

[hjartasalt]

Daddy has five days left to live

[hjartasalt]

Daddy wishes to be cremated

[hjartasalt]

It's what daddy would have wanted

[hjartasalt]

Hi. Everyone else go home this is the only tag that matters to me

[the-muppet-joker]

I spent all of Easter with my Cock buried to the hilt in my Kermit Plushie's tender hole... now I awaken to news of the Pope's death. Coincidence...?

[miamignonette]

girl on tiktok was saying that getting cosmetic surgery is about women taking back their bodily autonomy in a time where our rights to our bodies are being taken away

[kurtwagnermorelikekurtwagnerd]

sickens me to my stomach. how dare this guy get to live my dream.

[cottoncandylesbo]

squeezing my pussy and concentrating all the microplastics in my body to print a perfect tiny figurine of a fruit bat

[the-lumpfish-queen]

[vamptits]

don't ever look up what your childhood friends are up to now!!!!!!!!!! like girl you're a nuclear safety engineer. i put on matching socks today. we played tag a thousand years ago.

[halberdbooks]

Yeah

[cervinae-canine]

[doubleca5t]

Kevin Durant is a extremely high tier shitposter who just so happens to also be one of the greatest basketball players of all time

[resplendent-chungus]

"Legacy points added/deducted" has permanently become a part of my vocabulary

[copepods]

i like working at plant store. sometimes you ring up someone and there's a slug on their plant and so you're like "Oh haha you've got a friend there let me get that for you" and you put the slug on your hand for safekeeping but then its really busy and you dont have time to take the slug outside before the next customer in line so you just have a slug chilling on your hand for 15 minutes. really makes you feel at peace with nature. also it means sometimes i get to say my favorite line which is "would you like this free slug with your purchase"

[copepods]

@holyknuckled you get it. lterally what are we here on earth for if not to occasionally impose gastropods upon unsuspecting customers. this story is delightful

[lintubintu]

@holyknuckled like that?

[holyknuckled]

oh? my god???

yeah, Exactly like that