One of the weirdest thing about growing up suicidal is that you assume you have no future, you don’t even try to envision it because you see no point. So eventually, you start assuming everyone else sees nothing in your future either. Recently, my friend and I were talking and she said something about how at her wedding I could wear a suit or a dress as long as it matched her bridesmaid’s dresses because the butler of honor has to make a good impression. This hit me so hard because I had never realized before how other people thought about me. She said it so casually like it wasn’t even a hard decision, just a given fact. She loves me so much she saw me at her wedding, standing with her on one of the most important days of her life. And you know what? There are so many people who think about you that way. If that isn’t proof that you should keep going I don’t know what is.
This is called a sense of foreshortened future and it is also very common in traumatized people, particularly in cases involving long-term abuse or the death of a loved one.
This post is making the rounds again so I wanted to add an update. I kept going, despite all of the times it felt impossible. It was absolutely worth it. I struggled for many years with this feeling, and even when not actively wishing to die I often just assumed my life would end.
I wrote a digital time capsule when I was 14, about the same time I made this post. I described what I wished I could have one day but felt like it would never happen. It was simple, my own place, potted plants, a cat. It’s been seven years and I have everything I wanted and so much more. I have a job I love, a partner who lights up my world, best friends I see every day, and I’m about to finish my bachelor’s and start my master’s degree. I have this life I am so grateful for because instead of succumbing to this feeling of nothingness, I decided if there was nothing I would make something to replace it.
Make plans for yourself, even if you don’t believe they’ll happen make them anyway. If they don’t happen you’ve lost nothing, if they do (spoiler alert they can and will!) then you have amazing things coming to fruition.
Don’t give up on or avoid therapy and medication. They can change your life, and if you have tried before and found it ineffective please don’t give up on it all. I had lots of trial and error before I found the meds I needed, and now they help me live a full life and I don’t rely on them as heavily.
Reach out to your family, friends, and communities. Do not try to go it alone because it is 1000 times harder and it doesn’t have to be. If you have a dream, no matter how small, pursue it. I mean it! I started giving myself a sense of life by decorating my bedroom. You do have a future even if you can’t see it through the fog. Light up a lantern and keep going! You will find your happiness.
