Fluctuating chronic illness is so frustrating sometimes
Sometimes I feel really good like I could walk around for a while, maybe even run, but then I have to remind myself that the only reason I can even get around my house and take short walks is because I don't do that. If I do the things I crave to do I'll hurt myself and be unable to do anything at all.
I haven't ran in about a decade now. I used to be the fastest kid in class and now I can't even speed walk.
Right now I don't want to go out at all because I hate that I can only go if I take my wheelchair and it's so much effort and I'll still be in pain.
People take the freedom of working legs for granted, I did.
I miss going for long walks, exploring the woods, running with my dog and my friends. I miss when my legs, my hands, my arms, my body worked.
I miss playing guitar. It's been over a decade since my hand gave out and I had to stop playing to preserve the function I still had. I had to stop using keyboards too, stop playing games using one, I couldn't use my hand at all for almost 2 years. All anyone would say to me was "at least it's not your dominate hand"
I miss eating at restaurants or anywhere not in my own home. I haven't been able to eat sitting up in 2 years and I'm never going to be able to again. The damage is irreversible.
I miss climbing trees, it's been over a decade since I have. I used to practically live in the tree in my backyard as a kid. I still remember the view.
I'll never be able to drive, I never got to know what that freedom would have felt like.
But some days I look and feel fine and I get my hopes up and I do whatever I want and I get hurt, and I lose parts of myself for days or longer. Sometimes I'm never the same and I have to mourn myself again.
Sometimes I think that this is worse, like I'm finally given water and punished for drinking it.
I hate when I feel so close to it but can never quite reach.
