Autistic Life Tips

AFAB, 27. Sharing tips I've learned so far in hope of helping others.

[autisticlifelessons]

Hey there, and welcome to Autistic Life Tips!

I'm 26, AFAB, and was diagnosed as Autistic in May 2023. All my life I have struggled with feeling overwhelmed and anxious, which I now know is a result of being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world.

That said, I have learned a thing or two about how to get by, and want to do what I can to help others.

I will be sharing things I have found useful moving through life, work, friendships, hobbies and everything else as a neurodivergent person. I am also a qualified primary teacher, and have lots of tips to share on how to help neurodivergent children, too.

Please feel free to ask me anything - just be kind, and all will be well.

Do you find my posts useful and would like to help support me? Buy me a Ko-Fi here.

I hope you find something that helps you!

[vampurrring]

maybe growing up is just becoming who you were at 14 again but learning how to love her this time

[reborn-from-taxes]

"Why are you laughing?!"

[autisticlifelessons]

50 accommodations I make for myself

Self-employment

Brush and floss my teeth in bed

I hardly ever wear a bra

Finch app

I aim to get to shops/bank etc for just after opening time when it's quiet

Cuddle a stuffy in bed/when stressed

Attend small group personal training circuit style workouts

I minimise the amount of lotions/creams I use daily

I don't reverse park or parallel park

I don't drive on motorways or in cities unless I'm with a more experienced driver I trust

I wear a face mask, goggles and gloves when chopping onions

I use sanitary pads and period underwear instead of tampons or diva cups

I sometimes park a bit further away if a car park is busy/tight

I schedule regular facetime catch ups with friends

I take 30-60 mins from waking up up actually getting out of bed

I don't iron anything

My room is a 'big light' free zone

Blinds

Subtitles

Wear mostly black

Hand flapping to help me think/calm down

Pomodoro method

Use a foam roller as a footrest

Prefer to work alone

Eat the frog (do the worst thing first)

Putting fuel in my car when it reaches 25% full

Arriving early at places to make the journey less stressful and give myself time to regulate

Frozen food in the airfryer

A variety of coats/jackets for different temperatures, outfits, humidity, fashion etc

Wet hair in a turban towel (with button to secure it)

Sitting or lying down in the shower

Wash make up brushes in the shower

A system for cleaning my room (vacuum, dust, change sheets, empty bin, laundry, remove things that don't belong, always start behind door and go around the room until I'm back where I started)

Diet coke from the fridge

Crying when I need to

Researching special interests (mental health, neurodiversity, Heaven Official's Blessing, writing, strength training)

At the moment I'm not pursuing any romantic or intimate relationships

Visiting Rituals (store is backlit with dark background, well ventilated so smells not all mixed together and you can just try what you want, relaxing music, lots of products to try, staff are not pushy and instead usually approach you to offer a sample of herbal tea)

Giving myself extra time to do fiddly manual tasks such as changing light bulbs

Opting for tasting platters when trying new restaurant/cuisine

Sitting on a yoga ball

BIAB gel manicures (done by a pro)

Sometimes videoing myself having a rant and watching it back to help me understand my thoughts

Having a rest/nap when possible if I need it

Having minimal expectations for myself the first couple of days of my period

Anxiety/depression medication

Sometimes lying in bed quietly reading etc if I can't sleep

Either verbally or in writing composing loose scripts for myself

Using a soft toothbrush with a small head

Taking stairs where possible and avoiding crowded lifts

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Let’s Talk About Screentime for Autistic Folk

NeuroWild

[autball]

No one wants to be lied to. When it comes from another adult, you feel betrayed. When it comes from your kids, you feel that PLUS a responsibility to make it stop ASAP, before it becomes a “thing” that reflects badly on you as a parent. 

But a lot of people are going about doing that all wrong. Lying is actually a normal developmental milestone that starts when kids realize they can know things that other people don’t. Lying is also often a stress response, meaning it’s a symptom of another problem and can even happen involuntarily.

BUT ALSO, some people, and Autistic and ADHD folks in particular, are being accused of lying when that’s not even what’s happening.

Neurodivergent people perceive the world differently. Y’know, because we’re literally wired differently. But I see people assuming their ND kids and partners are lying *all the time* instead of considering the possibility that our different wirings simply led to different perceptions.

Lying is when the person knows that what they're saying is not the truth. If a person truly believes that what they're saying, that their *own perception of the world,* is the truth, that's not really lying, is it?

And it’s not that Autistics and ADHDers are incapable of lying, of course, or that nothing should be done about it if lying truly does become a problem. You’re gonna wanna be sure that’s what you’re dealing with before you try to do anything about it, though.

You’re also gonna need to understand that it’s about more than “moral failing” and “bad character” if you don’t want to make it worse. Because what do you think is gonna happen when you heap a bunch of stress in the form of shame and punishment onto a person who is already struggling with lying as a stress behavior??

And so I present this list of possibilities to consider when your person’s version of events isn’t lining up with yours (or their teacher’s, or their sibling’s, or whomever else it may be).

Related note: If “inconsistencies in reporting” are coming from school, please keep in mind that teachers often don’t see everything that happened to your child with their own eyes (because their attention is pulled in many directions), and that bullies who will rile your kid up on purpose and then lie about what happened are an unfortunate reality for many ND kids. In other words, please don’t assume that your child is the one who has it wrong when their version of events differs from others’ without also considering the reliability/motivations of the other witnesses.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

You Can Still Be Autistic And…

Autistic Qualia

[autisticlifelessons]

Hi :) I'm a late diagnosed (technically un/ informally dxed) autistic adult and I'm a new parent. I cannot convince Google that I want information for parents who are autistic. It keeps showing me resources for parents of autistic children. Do you know of anything like that? Thank you!

Hey!

Ugh, ikr?!

However here is a link to a leaflet from Brandeis University and it also has links to further resources. Hope that helps! Xxxxxc

[autisticlifelessons]

Hello there,

I'm a parent to a child that I strongly suspect has autism and ADHD. The characteristics were subtle at first, but over the years they've have become more apparent. They're now in their tweens, and I'm finding it difficult to connect with them.

They have obscure interests, and while we try to appeal to those as much as we can, it never seems to be enough. They want the novel experience of something new (ADHD), whilst still wanting to stay firmly within their comfort zone (ASD). Most family and social events are met with hostile disapproval and repugnance, but they also complain about being bored and lonely. This is a complex balancing act to include them and make them feel comfortable, and more often than not I don't get it right, try as I might. This is causing my child a lot of frustration, depression, and moodiness since their emotional and psychological needs are not being met. They aren't willing to compromise, and I don't know what else to do to help bring some happiness and joy into my child's life.

It also doesn't help that I have another child with special needs that requires my time and attention as well. I have ADHD, and my older child's bluntness can be incredibly hurtful and trigger my own RSD (which they also have, but struggles to empathize when the shoe is on the other foot). I am aware that I am the adult in the situation and should handle this better, yet I am also a sensitive ND person and going through my own psychological growth in life. There seems to be arguments or heated interactions between them and other family members on a daily basis, and I don't want that for any of us.

I have seen my child at their best, and they practically GLOW with elation and confidence during those times. They're so very intelligent, talented, and clever, and it saddens me so much to see them so depressed and withdrawn the rest of the time. There is an important place in this world for my wonderful child, but I'm unsure of how to help them.

Is there any advice, even small, that you could offer for someone in my position?

Hey

I haven't been doing much with this blog lately so I'm so sorry if you have been waiting a long time for a response.

That sounds like a really sucky situation and I am sorry you and your family are going through this. You sound like a wonderful parent doing their absolute best and it must be so frustrating to feel like your efforts aren't getting you anywhere.

The tween years are a time of transition and can be rough even for neurotypical children as their bodies and minds change and grow and they begin exploring their identity. It may be that there is nothing else you can so except continue to support them as best you can until they find some new equilibrium. In terms of protecting your own and your other child's wellbeing, it may be time to enact a bit of 'tough love' by asserting boundries on what is and isn't acceptable. You could help them come up with coping strategies such as box breathing to help them calm down when they are frustrated.

I hope that helps. But coming from a family of neurodivergent people with differing traits and support needs I know how hard it can be to try at support someone while trying to protect your own mental health.

Hang in there, you got this xxxxx

[9710144]

[autisticlifelessons]

So, it's been a while since I posted anything, but today is my 27th birthday! This is the first birthday I've had that I've known I was autistic. It feels significant, somehow, especially since over the past few months I've been seriously thinking about changes I want to make to my life going forward. In particular, I've been slowly coming to accept that the expectations I've placed on myself in the past are just not appropriate for me or my brain, and that I need to notice and respect my own limits without being influenced by perceived societal standards. I also want to get better at acknowledging the strengths I do have, and utilise them, even if it's not always in ways that equal more profit that I've been conditioned to believe are the most valuable.

All in all, I'm actually excited! Compared to even 2 years ago, I feel much more mature and that I know myself better. I have things I want to accomplish (such as publishing a fantasy novel), but also tweaks I want to make to my everyday life (such as taking more time for self-care and setting better boundaries with family members).

Don't get me wrong; sometimes the future feels hopeless. But today, I'm actually looking forward to the rest of my life.

[autisticlifelessons]

Autistic Tips for Dealing with Constructive Criticism

Criticism is what helps us improve, but that doesn't mean it's easy for an autistic person to deal with. It has always been something I've struggled with, even if it's constructive and put in the nicest way possible. I get intense feelings of shame, sadness, even anger. I don't often experience meltdowns or shutdowns, but criticism is definitely a trigger for me. However, over time I have learned some strategies for dealing with it, so here are my top tips.

Where possible, give people the heads up criticism is something that is hard for you to take - if you know you take things really literally or if even the slightest criticism is going to put you in a poor frame of mind for the rest of the day, letting relevant people know about this can be enough for them to be a bit more mindful about what they say to you and when they say it. Communication really is key, folks (there can be big pay offs from putting up with some initial discomfort and awkwardness).

2. Talk through things with someone objective to the situation - if you are able to, get someone who cares about you (like a friend or family member) to go over the criticism with you. It gives you a chance to share you feelings and having someone more objective to the situation can help you identify what actions you need to take, as if you are feeling upset you aren't going to be at your most rational.

3. Give it time - don't set yourself up for more feelings of failure by expecting to make drastic improvements overnight. This is not realistic and puts you under a lot of pressure, which is almost never the intention of the person giving you the criticism. They should support you to identify small steps you can take, and to review this periodically to monitor progress and make any adjustments.

4. Ask for accommodations - if the criticism you have received is directly related to your autistic traits, that could be a sign for you to ask for reasonable adjustments to be made to help you. For example, if your boss has put in your performance review that they want you to speak more during meetings, but this is something you struggle with, that could be an ideal time to disclose your autism diagnosis if you haven't already. This is not always possible (there are pros and cons to disclosing), but it gives you the opportunity to suggest solutions, such as having the agenda ahead of time you so can write down your thoughts before the meeting takes place, or request that you have time to think about what you want to say. It's scary, but it can make a huge difference to how comfortable you feel.

5. Maintain perspective - If you are feeling angry or upset, now is NOT the time to start taking action. I once stayed up to 3am tinkering with a lesson plan because my mentor wanted to see certain improvements. I met the required standard but I was exhausted and disillusioned and my confidence was in tatters. I also tend to see things in extremes, which coupled with perfectionism means I often need a second opinion to ensure I have a rational response to something. Communicating how you are feeling with the person who gave the criticism gives them a chance to rectify what they said and clarify their meaning, as the chances are they did not intend to make you feel so awful (obviously in cases where they are being totally unreasonable or you are the target of bullying, this does not apply, and instead you would need to find someone to raise it with).

I am very, very aware that for many reasons, these tips may not be appropriate for you. However, I really hope that you can find something that will help you regulate yourself the next time you receive some constructive criticism. I learned too late that the purpose of constructive criticism is to help you improve, not make you feel like a failure and send you into extreme emotional distress. Remember that we are always learning - it is perfectly ok to make mistakes, to not know something or to need help. Remember too that if you are neurodivergent, you are already dealing with additional challenges to what a neurotypical person faces, but you also have many strengths and unique contributions to make. You got this!

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[autisticlifelessons]

Tips for going shopping as an Autistic person

Even in the age of internet shopping, most people still do need or even want to go into a physical store at some point, whether to pick up essentials or to browse. But shopping can be a really overwhelming experience for autistic people, between dealing with crowds, loud music, the sheer amount of products available, remembering what you came to buy, and so many other things.

Whilst I do enjoy browsing and even grocery shopping, there are some steps I take to make the experience more pleasant with regard to my neurodivergent traits.

1. Shop at quiet times - wherever possible, I try to go for just after opening time when there usually aren't too many people around. I find it so much more relaxing, and I'm more likely to try things on and can think more clearly about options in different stores. A lot of supermarkets also have a quiet hour once a week when they switch off the music and dim the lights, reducing the sensory input, which is a good option is grocery shopping is challenging for you.

2. Use any items that help you - if things like ear defenders, sunglasses and fidget toys - or anything else - are useful, don't be afraid to bring them with you! It may be a bit strange while you get used to using them in public, but the vast majority of people won't pay any attention to you and even if they do it's none of their business, anyway. I highly recommend getting a sunflower lanyard (if you don't know what that is you can read more about it here), as I find that when I'm wearing it people generally give me a bit more space, and staff in places trained about them are friendlier and better at communicating.

3. Use a list - if I want to go grocery shopping or am looking for something specific, I find making a list of what to buy is really helpful. It helps keep me focussed, reduces stress as I'm not trying to hold it all in my head, and reassures me I haven't forgotten anything.

4. Take a break - if I'm going to be out shopping for any longer than a couple of hours, I always ensure to include a pit stop for coffee or lunch (or cocktails lol). Being hungry or thirsty makes it more likely I'm going to feel overwhelmed, especially as the shops get busier and my feet get sore. You don't need to push yourself to keep going, it's perfectly fine and very sensible to build in time to rest so you can recharge.

5. Know your limits - if, despite your best efforts, you are feeling stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, something happens to throw you off or are just not having a good day, you are allowed to just go home. It's ok. Even if shopping was part of your plan for the day. Get some rest, and try again another time.

These tips are written from the perspective of an autistic person who prefers to go shopping alone, but if being out in public makes you anxious, take someone with you if you find that helps. We are all different, so feel free to experiment with different strategies to find what suits you.

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[autisticlifelessons]

Tips for Autistic Students

I managed to get really good grades both at school and university, but it involved a LOT of emotional anguish. I had this reputation of being really smart and nerdy, but the truth was I had to put in an almost inhumane amount of effort in order to sustain my grades. I lost perspective and sacrificed other aspects of my life - such as building friendships and having experiences - that I'm still catching up with, now.

If I had to do it all again, knowing I'm autistic, there are definitely some things I would change that would have made my life as a student so much more enjoyable. Read on to learn from my mistakes!

Spend time going over the things you aren't so sure on - I wasted a lot of time reading over and over stuff that I could recite off by heart, but to be honest I don't think it made one iota of difference to my grades. I tended to avoid the scary stuff I was struggling with, but with hindsight this would have been a much more productive use of my time. Identify the areas you know you are weaker in, and focus on plugging those gaps in your knowledge rather than aimlessly wading through course materials.

Look after yourself - it's all too easy when you're looking to get good grades to totally overwork yourself. But this can actually be counterproductive as when you are tired/stressed you are actually more likely to make mistakes and underperform. Try making a studying timetable for yourself, and make sure it has a cut off point so you know when to stop. Trust me - grades are not worth burning yourself out over.

Give yourself plenty of time to complete assignments/study for tests and exams - it's very common to hear other people on your course bragging about how the started a essay 2 hours before the deadline and still got an A, but don't listen to them. More than likely they're lying or at least exaggerating, but they are also NOT you. You don't need to compare yourself to anyone else. For most autistic people - even those with executive function issues who are prone to procrastination - having to do things last minute can lead to overwhelm and burnout. A neurotypical person may be able to handle this approach, but for neurodivergent people this strategy could lead to a fallout period where you would need to recover. Starting ahead of time will allow you to pace yourself and ensure you have the chance to ask for help or clarification if necessary.

Try and make a few friends in every class - socialising often doesn't come easy to autistic people, but I promise going to class is much more bearable if you have a least one friendly face to look forward to seeing. Statistically speaking there is a really good chance there is someone else who is neurodivergent, and you likely can relate to each other's experiences more than a neurotypical person's. It also gives you people to arrange to hang out with outside of class, which is how friendships are built and sustained. Just a simple 'good morning' or complimenting someone on their clothes is enough to begin building a rapport.

Pay attention to your sensory needs - it's much easier to concentrate and take in information if you are comfortable. If the sun is in your eyes or if your desk is wobbly, ask if you can switch seats. If having a stim toy in your hand helps you concentrate, do what you need to do to get permisson to use one. Advocating for yourself can be scary, but it makes such a difference to your experience.

Did you find my tips helpful? Let me know!

[autisticlifelessons]

Things I didn't know I do because I'm Autistic

Here's a more personal post this time. I received my diagnosis in May 2023, but I was reasonably sure for a year or two before that that I was autistic. And long before that I've felt there was something different about me. But now I've done extensive amounts of research - especially on how Autism presents in AFAB people like me - I've been able to understand some things about myself through the lens of being autistic. Below is a short list of things I had no idea could be linked to being neurodivergent. I hope it may help someone who may be wondering about themselves.

Stimming - One of my favourite things to do if I've got some time to waste is bounce on an exercise ball while listening to music. It's quieter than jumping around and still counts as exercise - according to my fitbit. I have done this for many years and if I'm away from home even for a few nights I start to miss it.

Hand flapping - this is one of the visible signs more traditionally associsated with Autism, but I never really made the connection with myself until my diagnosis. It helps me think if I walk into a room and forget what I came in for, and can help me regulate myself if I'm getting frustrated or confused about something. I mask this if I'm in public or with friends, but I do it in front of family members all the time.

Being inflexible around rules - I've always been a very literal person, so if there is a rule I tend to really go out of my way to stick to it. However, I don't always pick up on nuance that they may not apply equally to all situations, which has led to times in the past where I've been very frustrated/confused. For example, with things like school uniform, I would get myself all wound up worrying about the littlest things, but some of the teachers were much stricter about enforcing it than others. I also get very annoyed if other people break rules.

Verbal loops - If I get upset, especially if I'm facing real or perceived rejection, it takes me a long time to calm down and I can get stuck saying the same thing over and over. This is sometimes annoying to the other person and makes them even more upset with me.

There are a lot more, but those are the ones that stick out for me when I think about it. I've had a rough couple of days and am dealing with a bit of burnout, but I wanted to make this post while it was in my head.

While there are behaviours associated with Autism that people are generally familiar, it presents differently in every individual, so there are lots of things that someone who is undiagnosed may not realise are connected to them being neurodivergent.

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[autisticlifelessons]

Autistic tips for overnight trips

Being away from home overnight - no matter what the reason - has always been something I have struggled with. No matter how tired I am, the first night anywhere new I'm lucky if I get a couple of hours of light sleep - I'm on high alert all night dealing with unfamiliar smells, noises and anxiety.

If this affects you, or someone you know, here are my tips for making being away overnight as comfortable as possible.

Make sure you schedule enough downtime - this can be hard to do when you're on a trip and only have a short time to do everything you want/need to do, but having time to chill out during the day can give your senses a break and prevent you from burning out, especially if you aren't sleeping much at night. For example, if I'm on a city break, I usually go back the hotel room after lunch for a few hours. I'll doze, read, catch up on messages etc, and then have energy to go out for the evening.

Use earplugs and or/eye masks - personally I can't stand them, but I know lots of autistic people who find they make a huge difference to their ability to sleep. Alternatively, use towels/clothes to block out light coming through gaps in the doors and windows, and if you ask you may be able to get a room in a quiet part of the hotel.

Bring something that smells familiar with you - don't be embarrassed at bringing a cuddly toy that smells of home with you to help you sleep. Any true friends will not give you a hard time over it. Our sense of smell is linked to the very primitive part of our brains and can help release the hormones that help us relax. I've also heard of people bringing their own pillows from home, or even pyjamas that you've already slept in for a few nights.

Stick to a hotel chain you like - this may not always be possible in terms of avilability and budget, but the rooms in hotel chains tend to be almost identical wherever you go, which can make staying away from home less overwhelming than a random AirBnB. In the UK, my autistic sibling and I have stayed in so many Premier Inns we find we sleep about as well as we do at home.

Know your limits - it can be really hard to advocate for yourself, for example if you don't want to feel like you're spoiling the day for the people you're with. But anyone who cares about you will not want you to be in distress for their stake. This is where disclosing your needs ahead of time to pay dividends, as there should be contingency plans in place to cater to the needs of people with disabilities in the group. This kind of ties in with tip one, but be mindful that travelling in itself is exhausting and overwhelming, so be kind to yourself and be honest about how much you can handle.

As every Autistic person has different needs, not all of these tips will apply equally, but they should give you a good starting point.

Did you find them helpful, or do you have any other tips to add? Let me know!

Follow me for more tips xx

[autisticlifelessons]

Tips for helping your autistic child thrive at home

So, I'm not a parent myself, but I did grow up in a household where both myself and my sibling (both AFAB) had undiagnosed autism, and we're pretty sure our father is autistic, too. I've also got some teaching experience where I supported neurodivergent children and their families. Based on this experience and my own research, here are some tips you can use at home to help your autistic child thrive. These are biased towards my particular experience and may not apply to your own child, but they should give you an idea of the sorts of things you can do.

Give lots of emotional reassurance - the world is seriously overwhelming for an autistic child. Children's brains are still developing, and the younger they are or the greater their needs are the more help they will need with co-regulation of their emotions. Bear in mind that, especially for AFAB children, they may mask heavily at school and present absolutely no behavoural problems only to come home and explode. This is because home is their safe place where they can show more authentically how they are really feeling.

Be led by your child's needs and interests, and be prepared for these to change over time - many autistic people develop intense interests in specific things, which are known as 'special interests'. The stereotypical special interests most people have heard of are things like trains, but be aware that some girls who are really, REALLY into ponies are actually expressing neurodivergent traits. Showing your support for exploring these interests is hugely beneficial (and makes present buying a breeze lol). Of course, autism is a spectrum and presents differently in different autistic people. Many like the structure of a routine, for example, but don't force a visual timetable on your child if this is clearly something that isn't helping them. As your child gets older, their interests and needs will change with them, so be prepared to adapt and keep the lines of communication open.

Be prepared to give your child extra support navigating friendships and social situations - for many autistic people, social situations are highly stressful for lots of different reasons, and for children who are still learning how to navigate in the world this is doubly true. Encourage your child to develop friendships with others who respect them, but accept that they may not always communicate in ways that are socially expected (eg they may prefer parallel play). Autistic children can sometimes be more vulnerable to bullying or being taken advantage of, so ensure your child knows how to communicate boundaries and what to do if another child (or adult) is causing problems. In more general social situations such as going to the doctor or on holiday, your child may be more anxious and unsure of what is expected of them. Practicing these situations before hand through 'make believe' play is a great way of giving them a chance to develop the appropriate social scripts and feel more at ease.

Be aware that co-morbid conditions are often present alongside autism - it is very common that autistic children will have at least one other physical or mental co-morbid condition (basically means it occurs alongside). My sibling, for example, also has ADHD, PTSD, BPD, anorexia, dyscalculia, anxiety, depression, IBS, anaemia, eczema and insomnia (and yes I DID get permission to share that, it's all in their insta bio anyway). Be on the lookout for other symptoms not necessarily covered by autism and advocate for your child to get the support they need. Another thing to bear in mind is that autism often runs in families - if you or your child's other biological parent recognise traits either in yourselves or in family members, there's probably a reason why.

I really hope my tips were useful to you. As I mentioned already, your child may have very different support needs from me. You know them best.

Follow me for more tips - both for autistic adults and teenagers and parents of autistic children.