.A Very Round Square.

“A riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma; but perhaps there is a key.” Something like that. #BlackBlogger. Lover. Could be a #writer.

[emotionalwords]

[averyroundsquare]

Shuddup shuddup shuddup SHUDDUPPPPPP

[averyroundsquare]

Hmmm.

So lately I’ve been feeling off at work. I don’t feel it in my spirit to be there and I don’t want to connect with anyone (except Handsome Friend).

One person in particular has been ok but lately she has been triggering me. She gets on my last nerve and if I were a cat my fur would stick up anytime she comes around and I couldn’t understand why.

It was a quiet day so I used the time to write up an email that I needed to send to my attorney. She knew I was working on something and she could have just asked. I would have told her, it wasn’t a big deal. But instead, she chose to pretend to go get something then creep behind me and stand there trying to read everything I’m typing over my shoulder.

That was red flag number one.

Then one of the guys in our department applied for reduced hours and got it. She complained about it for days and I couldn’t understand why because it really didn’t affect her. Suddenly at the last minute his reduced hours offer was withdrawn from him. Nobody could understand how or why. Turns out she was smiling in his face the whole time but behind his back she complained about the application process being unfair and that he shouldn’t have gotten it. She had no reason to do that.

I don’t need another red flag. That’s enough for me to know it’s time to cut her off completely.

As for Handsome Friend my feelings fleet from one direction to the next. One minute I can’t stand him, the next I feel sorry for him, then I just think he’s funny asf, then I wanna suck his dick (and I don’t even like sucking dick).

Then the next I wanna run away. Just like I did with Her. I literally feel like screaming“i gotta get outta here” while grabbing my stuff, running to the car and zooming off to anywhere but here. I don’t know why I do this. As soon as I feel something growing I just gotta get outta there.

[averyroundsquare]

Every time I enter a new phase or era in my life I literally feel myself getting closer to being 100 years old knowing that I don’t have much time left. I can’t articulate it very well right now because I’m high and horny. But you get what I mean.

Today I caught my reflection. I’ve always been commented on looking young for my age my whole life. My reflection told me I can’t hold on to that for much longer. My eyes are showing that I’ve seen a lot of things and my view of the world has now changed. I can see it in my eyes that innocence is gone. I’m beginning to accept that I am an actual adult.

[quotefeeling]

“I need to stop fantasizing about running away to some other life, and start figuring out the one I have.”

— Holly Black

[quotefeeling]

“I have a hard time trusting people. I just never want to jump unless I’m sure somebody is going to catch me.”

— Unknown

[averyroundsquare]

And even then I can’t trust that something won’t come along and change that.

[averyroundsquare]

When I accomplish something, no matter how great it is, I just silently smile for a moment then continue with life as normal. I don’t even share my good news.

I’ve learned sharing either generates envy or worse, complete silence. No congratulations or celebrations. Just stone cold silence. But when someone close to them does the same they’re ready to party.

It hurts living a life where people just always want to bring you down because they think you’re too lucky.

[averyroundsquare]

When they were forming their clique and had a great time bonding by laughing at me and excluding me because I didn’t fit in it was all good for them.

Now Handsome Friend has velcroed himself to me while they’ve been begging for his attention and throwing their pussies at him with no success for years (and they don’t stand a chance now because he’s seen them for who they truly are) they really got a problem with me now.

I can’t catch a break either way. At this point they should just admit they don’t think I deserve to have anything.

[ozgurkedi]

[averyroundsquare]

When I start getting close to someone, even platonically, the closer we get the more I panic. I’m terrified of getting attached. I’m terrified of calling someone my friend. I am honestly filled with dread because it’s like I can hear a timer in my head start ticking counting down to where the betrayal or friendship will end and leave me going from feeling safe to alone and hurt again.

And yet I yearn for a close friendship so bad. I wish I had a best friend.

[averyroundsquare]

But what if every page is bad and you try to keep going but every page just has something bad on it. No joy, no happiness, just some hurtful shit again and again. What do you do then? Common sense would tell you to close the book because there’s nothing good in it. All each page does is hurt and depress you more.

[averyroundsquare]

And there it goes.

I knew not to fall or get attached or dare I say it, actually have some hope and belief in myself and good things for once.

I believe Handsome Friend is just a casual flirt. I’m not specific.

And people are talking because that’s just wtf they do whenever anything good or nice comes my way. They don’t think I deserve it because fat people shouldn’t get nice things.

[averyroundsquare]

So I saw pics of Her on vacation. She doesn’t look happy. Not one smile and Her eyes look dead.

What She’s feeling is the return of the energy She has been putting out. It’s interesting to watch.

Handsome Friend is becoming a problem to me. I’m feeling the attachment starting. Yesterday we were both chilling in the office with some other co workers. His seat was facing me and my seat was facing his. He wanted to show me something on his phone and in front of everybody he scooted closer and put his leg in between mine. Then he moved it. I know it was clocked by some of the ladies around but nobody said anything.

I fucking hate this shit. Wondering if this is going to become a thing. If it does then how long is it gonna last before something goes wrong, if I have any reason to be jealous of another female he’s having a conversation with. If we do decide to sleep with each other then what is he gonna think of my body. And I don’t want to run away from him like I ran away from my feelings with Her. I fucking hate this shit.

[resqectable]

“A soul mate is not the person who makes you the happiest, but the one that makes you feel the most. Who conducts your heart to bang the loudest, who can drag you giggling with forgiveness from the cellar they locked you in.”

— Sierra DeMulder, excerpt from “Unrequited Love Poem”

[averyroundsquare]

Guess what?

I’m starting to like him.

I’m finding myself wanting to fuck him.

I really don’t want to but it’s happening.

I don’t wanna ruin things. We’re good as we are.

A lot of people have a crush on him, even the men.

But we’re getting closer. He’s getting more comfortable with me. The whispering has started about us. I don’t even care.

I don’t want feelings. I am going to end up rejected and hurt again. I won’t be able to cope with it.

[averyroundsquare]

Somebody stop me.

I’ve been thinking about Handsome Friend in a sexual way a lot lately.

It’s gotta stop.

He has a beautiful body and cute face to go with it but I know doing anything like that is gonna be bad news and nothing but problems waiting to happen.

And it would ruin things. It would just make things unnecessarily awkward. No thanks. I’m only just now starting to feel some kinda normal in my life.

[thepersonalquotes]

[thereadmind]