Little Streams of Consciousness

Read Awkward Babe Rene's thoughts in little streams of consciousness. That's a thing. Now. I think.

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Long time no see

Hi Tumblr, it's been a while :)

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Mark Zuckerberg’s network is 49.6 billion dollars last I checked. He dropped out of university after his second year. I’m in my third year now, and I can’t help but ponder, why do we go to school? Perhaps school’s so enjoyable because we can say we’re doing something productive, without really trying our best. How many of you think, no, know, that you achieve better grades in school? By attending school, many of us are procrastinating on heavy life decisions. Which is pathetic, wasting our youths away. Then we have little procrastinations within the big procrastination. Which is even more pitiful because time is your single most valuable asset. So please, stop procrastinating on your life.

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Taste the happiness again

I’m really happy right now. The kind of happy that most people don’t experience everyday, but only, I do experience it everyday. 

Life’s been as perfect as it gets. Not totally perfect, because I understand that doesn’t exist, but it’s been my kind of perfect. 

I wake up happy, go to class happy, see my friends happy, do my homework happy, learn about business happy, go on dates happy, dance happy, work out happy, stretch out my sore muscles happy, I eat happy, I sleep happy. 

I think it’s important to write down this powerful feeling of content, of gratefulness, of pure joy. We don’t write about happy moments genuinely enough, and that’s concerning. Most people only post about so-called “happy moments” on social media for show. A lot of us only write for pleasure when we are feeling miserable, when we need something that helps us get that rock off our chess. The result? We look back at the series of words and feelings we wrote down and see nothing but darkness. I know I’m guilty of this. This is natural, we all need an outlet for stress, and writing is very therapeutic. 

Try to be mindful and capture the positive moments too. Sure it’s not heart-wrenching to read back at, it may not bring tears to your face, but hopefully you will taste this moment again and smile a little. 

So many things to be grateful for.

So many things to be grateful for. 

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Run away before you get left behind.

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I have my issues

I have my issues. I have a lot of issues. As I get older, I am getting a lot better at identifying what these issues are. I believe that identifying my issues is the first step of coping with them.

I moved to Canada when I was nine. I always thought that I have felt like I am out of place ever since then. As I do some more deep reflections, I realized that the problem has started long before then. I was an awkward kid who got bullied in school even before I came to Canada. Back where I was from, a group of girls signed a “contract” and vowed to never play with me again. I didn’t understand why they would do that to me. I remember crying and crying in my aunt’s arms late at night. “Why?” I asked. “What have I done to deserve this?” I was frustrated and scared. I didn’t understand why this was happening to me. My aunt told me that the girls were jealous. I was a tomboy, perhaps at the tender age of 8, girls were starting to get jealous that I had all the guy friends. Was that the reason I got excluded? I don’t know. Until this very moment, I still don’t know. And I will never know.

Digging a little deeper into my memory bank, I realized that the issue started even before then. Little Rene would take a nap on her aunt’s lap when the adults were talking and socializing in the living room. Then little Rene would wake up, but she would feel too awkward to get up. So she keeps her eyes shut and pretend she’s still asleep. Do all kids do that? I don’t think so. Kids are supposed to be carefree and just run around when they wake up. Why did Rene do that? She didn’t know. Until this very moment, she still doesn’t know. And she will never know.

Fast forward to when I was around nine years old, back when I was in my home country. My mom called and told me that she has been divorced with my dad since I was a baby. I remember tears streaming down my face. “Why?” I asked. Mother gave me some bullshit answer. I remember throwing myself in the arms of my loving grandparents. I cried and cried and cried. “What have I done to deserve this?” Perhaps that’s when the seed of my abandonment issue was planted. Was it really? I don’t know. Until this very moment, I still don’t know. And I will never know.

Fast forward to when Rene is nineteen years old. She has a few really close friends that she would trust her life with. But she’s getting insecure and afraid that they would leave her. She introduced two of her closest friends to each other and now they’re working together in the same company. She’s terrified that they would prioritize each other above her. It’s selfish she knows, but the very thought of them leaving her breaks her heart. Her heart throbs whenever she imagines them leaving her. No one should have that power. If you don’t let people in, they will never gain that power. Rene decides that she’s going to shut them out and leave them before they leave her.

[thelovejournals]

You’re terrified of being alone. Anything you do now will be motivated by that fear. You have to stop worrying about finding love again. It will come when it comes. Get comfortable with being alone. It will empower you.

Jonathan Tropper, This Is Where I Leave You (via thelovejournals)

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Longing to be home, terrified of leaving.

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Thirty days of sweet dreams. Time to wake up.

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Helplessness seeps in, my strength slips away.

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Been a while since I've felt so dirty. So disgusted with myself.   Been a while since I've felt so helpless. So frustrated with the world.

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Cuddle and Not Fuck

Month 6 | Age 24 | First Date

I roll over and meet Josh’s brunette gaze. His eyes whisper joy and content. What a beautiful moment. I roll around some more to find yet another comfortable position. Somehow I feel safe and comfortable in his arms. 

Josh and I met last weekend partying as we had mutual friends. He was my first Hong Kong kiss. It was pouring rain and he took off his suit jacket and put it on me. From that moment on I could tell that he’s a sweetheart. 

“Are you cold?” He’s so caring, I almost just want to settle down for a summer fling with him right then and there. 

Eventually things get a little heated. Our lips are locked and hands are roaming each other’s bodies. 

“We don’t have to fuck,” I suppose that he can sense that I’m a little hesitant. Oh you sweet sweet thing.  I told him earlier that I didn’t want to have sex tonight. I didn’t want to rush things with him. Oh you just wait, next time I’ll be ready. 

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Lesson of the date: Gentlemen get laid more in the long run. 

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Pale Redhead Goddess

Everything looks so vivid, it's as if my eyes are on ultra HD mode. I am reuniting with this gorgeous red head that I met when I was traveling. I miss her. I’m certain that we have sexual attraction toward each other, but we never speak of it. It feels like we want to keep our friendship at an abstract balance point, where our desire for each other is thick in the air but not yet suffocate us.

She's about twenty and so beautiful. Her luscious red hair is to her neckline, its shine shouts "we are ultra healthy!" Her skin is of a pasty white, glowing with perfection. My soul feels like it's at risk of getting sucked into her bright green eyes whenever I look into them. Perfection. Pure perfection. 

We talk for a bit and she tells me she has to go meet her boy friend who is in town. "Boy friend?" My heartbeat quickens. An overwhelming amount of emotions rushes in. I'm happy for her, yet disappointment lurks in the corner somewhere. Suddenly it's screaming so loud even the sound of jumbled thoughts can't seem to drown it out. 

I watch them reunite. They haven't seen each other for some time. It is one of the most beautiful and powerful moments I've ever seen. Such longing, such passion. 

Tears burst of uncontrollably without warning. I long to reunite with my own special someone, Stuart. My heart aches past the level that I thought humans are capable of experiencing. Sharp, constant. I can barely breathe. Such a suffocating feeling. 

I run away. Redhead chases after me. She's worried, I can tell. I don't need her pity. I keep on running. 

Running and running until my heart goes numb. 

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I wake up in real life, at least I think this is real life.  

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Bittersweet Timing

Month 5 | Age 26 | First Date 

It’s dangerously easy to fall in love while one travels. You know you can’t truly have them and that’s what makes the experience so breathtakingly beautiful. 

I met Stewart at a club in Las Vegas. He is brunette, 6′2″, and he’s from England. He’s got this thick English accent that is unbelievably attractive and equally distracting. 

“Let me take you on a date tomorrow night,” he says. This guy is such a sweetheart! Instead of asking me to go up to his hotel room and fuck, he asked me to go a date with him. My heartbeat quickens as excitement fills me up. “I’m leaving tomorrow morning, let’s go on date now!”

Ours fingers intertwine while we wander around the hotel. We eventually arrive at the casino area. I want to sit down by a slot machine and just get to know each other. “Impress me by choosing the most romantic slot machine to sit at,” I giggle as I ask him to do the impossible task. He executes the task, perhaps I’m biased, flawlessly. We talk for a good half an hour until I flail my arms around enthusiastically and knock his drink all over his clothes. Oh you clumsy little person!

We go up to his hotel room. We crawl into his bed and cuddle while we continue our conversation. It seems that we’d never run out of things to talk about. We share the same sense of humor, and at some point I laugh so hard that my abs ache. I never want this night to end. 

Perhaps it’s the bittersweet timing of our encounter that made us so naive in the moment. We spoke of getting married at a drive-through down the road (there are plenty of those in Vegas). We joked about how beautiful our mixed-race babies would be (imagine little brunette kids running around). We planned for Stewart to visit in January, wouldn’t that be something?

Maybe he’d never message me after we part. Maybe he’d forget my name by next week. Maybe he paints pretty pictures for all his girls. None of that matters, because in this moment, everything feels so right. 

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Lesson of the date: Dream a little when you travel, even if you know it’s going to hurt after. 

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Wandering the street of New York City

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To know how it feels to kill yourself with bad habits

The Chainsmokers

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Isn’t it Ironic

Isn’t it ironic How we’re supposed To love Those closest to us

Isn’t it ironic  How easily Those closest to us Can hurt us

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Rooftop Massage

Month 4 | Age 27 | Fourth Date

The sky is made up of diverse shades of blue and purple. My heart is filled with handful of sweet delight. 

Andrew is in my arms, the sunlight caressing his skin. I give him a massage while I admire the beautiful view on the rooftop. His eyes are closed as he make occasional sounds expressing how much he’s enjoying the massage. The lack of words being exchanged in this beautiful moment makes me feel so comfortable, so at ease, so content. The little mumbles and sighs he’s making is turning me on, big time. They remind of of the time we made out passionately in his car. His low grunts and moans drove me crazy that night.

I’m quite nervous right before climbing down the ladder. It feels like a single misstep can lead me to my death. I subtly take a deep breath and then proceed. 

I glance over my shoulder and see Andrew waiting at the bottom. There’s two or three steps left now. He lifts me off the ladder with his strong arms around my waist. Countless positive feelings and wonderful colors explode in my head in this brief moment. Unfortunately, the only comprehensive words in my head are: “does he think I’m heavy?” 

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Lesson of the date: Location, location, location.